i think one reason why I really cant be bothered to write here anymore is because unlike in the past, where i only pretended not to care about other people knowing what I felt and thought (honestly, the vanity of adolescence), I think I've been calloused enough that I cannot really be bothered anymore

I think there usually is the vain (though often subconscious desire) to be thought of as more eloquent and more poignant than we can normally muster, but I think a decent amount of introspection together with a fair bit of reading is humbling enough to point out the pointlessness of that venture.


Im almost ashamed to dig up the vaults of this blog, to see how I used to write (and by extension) think when I was younger. I think I was much more eager, and much more idealistic then...

Im not sure where those ideals have gone. I used to see myself as a postmodernist?
I think I only truly started to become one after I turned 24.

You see, I used to think that all this running around, this flailing about under the sun was pointless, but I used to think that there was a centre, a core,  platonic realm full of ideals that would one day extend to ours and make everything ok.

Nowadays Im not so sure anymore.
Perhaps, there are not platonic ideals, and perhaps we are too flawed to be restored.

space between us

kindred spirits we once were
but time and tide take their toll
encroaching on the space between us
so now nostalgia has no home

once i thought you knew me
but now we're strangers familiar
once i thought we'd always be
but now there's only the space between you and me

If ur mercy is forever, where is it now?

i miss the numinous

the fleeting glimpse of distant shores


of alien places that feel like home

i almost forgot this existed, a relic from an age gone by,
it all seems so alien now-the original impetus for blogging

i suppose it started out of the angsty crucible that is adolescence,
the pursuit of expression, but really attention,

its no wonder it died out,
i ran out of things to say


or maybe i just lost my voice


someone told me that couples who love God would not get bored of each other since they would continuously grow in God and therefore there it would always be new; always fresh

applying that logic inwards:
maybe ive stopped growing, and thus have tired of myself.


i used to think that life would be like parable,
that if i, like the prodigal son - packed up and went,
in pursuit of my own,

there would come the day where my will gave out,
enough would be enough, the spiritual tantrum would lose steam
i could simply turn back
and God would come running down the road for me


but there isn't a emergency chute, there isnt a safe word
and ive burnt most of my bridges.


i find myself here, lost, and there doesnt seem to be anyway back
back doesnt exist anymore, maybe it never did


well, at least i have grown out of my melancholic, misinformed romantic phase
I used to think that the right one would come along,
the person to make me whole,
that thru the power of love, I would be made right
distilled in character and spirit to become a complete person...


only whole people find whole people
the cure for loneliness isnt company

and i have accepted my lonely lot,
until i become a whole person myself, or until forever
whichever comes first


for all this wilderness,
at least i think ive glimpsed at a  fragment of truth

you only overflow if you are being poured out for others.

maybe this is why God seems to be working thru me even now
when i stumble into making a difference,
He doesnt have to share the glory

Decided I'll start writing again as well since I'm unemployed and thus and bound to be free. To be honest I'm feeling a little deflated today, maybe part of it is seeing all my friends get their first class and knowin I could have if I fought for it harder.... Maybe part of it is the knowledge that I'm growing older but lack direction and ambition.... I used to hope that God would help me find my place.... Maybe because I strayed... Or maybe I was never that close to begin with Or maybe, just maybe there isn't a perfect will or a perfect place Maybe there isn't a better or worse Maybe there's just the here and the now, and it sucks but its all we'll ever have

how did you find your way into my mind cos i was on my way out of sight, of mind, of reach to beg a question am i what you are looking for I don't know myself anymore

a song for ages gone by of myth and mystery of lights in the sky I thought I'd found in you meaning misguided Scattered sheep lost sons help me to find you help me to know you

and how can i stand here with you, and not be moved...

faith enough

just in case, ur wondering
no these last few posts have little/nothing to do with my exchange,
im fine, not homesick in the least...
everythings well, cold yes, but it's all pretty good.

perhaps my last few posts sounded a little depressed and i guess i shouldnt have used the phrase far away (due to their homesick connotations) cos now some people assume that im not settling in well
i am settling in well, its been surreal

its just
i think my decision to come to finland aside from the 6 months holiday, chance to meet interesting people and the cheaper booze
was partly to run away.......


and sliver of it was in the hope of finding God in the wilderness, or that He would come find me in mine

if/when im honest with myself, it gets kinda scary
cos i dont think ive grown much spiritually over the past 3 years,
yes there has been much intellectual, emotional and social growth, which is always awesome,
much cynicism as well

if im brutally honest,
i think ive regressed to a point where im ashamed to spread the gospel?
im not ashamed of being a christian
im ashamed of the church because thats so often a mess
and im even more ashamed to ask people to look at my life, because its a bigger mess sometimes
and that is a problem

we dont talk about it in church at all,
the struggles, how its hard to make sense of the christian life,
how the standard we're called to in word, thought and deed is so far removed from where we're at,

we dont talk about because it seems church has become a place for whole people to celebrate their wholesomeness
no room for the broken
no room for those with issues
and i do have issues,

and it doesnt help that id rather be out with friends drinking than being at service or worship retreat
or wadever

i came to finland to hash out my personal issues,
to be amonst unfamiliars to deal with the things i couldnt reveal amonst friends

i also came to finland to burn my bridges,

you cant make it to the other shore if ur saving reserves for the return, sun tze taught us that (the swimming analogy is from gattaca, but the principle was originally sun tze's),

i dont think i have anymore time to postpone growing up

thats the gist of it, as much as i can muster, and if you still cant get it,
just assume im lovesick or something, cos i guess thats partly true, in a way, annywaysh

home enough to know im lost

i'll follow you into the dark

feeling so far away,
God, i miss you

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white

Jealous kind

I hate myself for feeling this way So far away and helpless Chose the gallows to the aisles Thought the love would never find, Hanging ropes will never keep you From the love of a jealous kind

paris

if you must know, im missing, i dont know,
its i dont really miss anything i had or did,

except the idea of something i never had.........................

im just eager, and at the same time dreading the time when i have to return home
back to life
back to decisions
back to life, oh dreadful boring sad ..... and ultimately futile?
well i hope not
i should pray not, but i dont think its something i can muster right now


i dont want to be that guy
....
its the worst thing i could ever do

I haven't felt this alone before, sitting in an Irish pub, down one guinness with a Kilkenny waiting for the band to start.... Though maybe not really a blessing, Tham God for providing me ppl to waste away the night with while consuming booze waiting for the band

the edge of water

i realise now that with a new finland exchange wordpress up, this place may just wither and die
for those who dont know abt the wordpress its
http://goingtonorwayohwait.wordpress.com/



anyways random song to set the mood
have you ever been haunted,
the way ive been by you

and so just like that
we round out a chapter of my life
with more whimper than bang

please remember me more fondly than i deserve

goodbye fair elva
adeiu my gentle friend
you illuminated my darkness
but even light must have an end

i wished i could cradle
your heart in the palm of my hands
but you were promised to another
even before our adventure began

so keep shining keep flickering
over yonger hills that lie
be blessed, be happy
may your life go kindly by

this weeks favorite song while studying