felt like crying on my way home today

how did we become so lost

because there isnt the lost cause of revival to fawn over?
have we simply lost marx's opiate of the people?

sometimes i wish it could be more easily rationalized
we learn in quantum mechanics that light, energy and momentum are quantised
meaning they exist in distinct packages

maybe purpose and reason exist in distinct quantities too

i only know im kinda short on both at the moment

we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.
~crash, 2004

today was queer

still trying to make sense of nothing happening

maybe its just my mindset that events must have metaphysical significance that makes we wish things we were more meaningful

sigh

lols, maybe we're just not fated to meet on sundays... lols

school started for a week plus and well its been taking some getting used to getting back in schedule

new hall, new environment

cant complain though, im not in aerospace having a crazy timetable packed with too many modules

i have so much to be thankful for
so many people i should be grateful for

i think i dont do it enough
appreciating people

well although it doesnt make much sense to do it here
since they probably wont see it cause they dont read it

but yeah thanks so much
mh for being my friend even though you one of the coolest guys i know
hahaha
room full of blues was great, but i think opening up to each other was better

thanks zaids for being so patient, willing to put up with our nonsense and all

thanks buddy group leaders for bearing with me jayce and tdd who is gone now

thanks eeli for probably being the only one who still reads... haha maybe not the only one but yeah

my talk with mh was great, made me realise people see the way i carry myself and the way i treat other people around me really does affect the people around me

id admit, i struggle alot with loving people
no thats a lie
i dont really try to put up a struggle
there are people i simply dont like, and i dont put in the effort to be civil to them
i just ignore them

i know that apathy being the antithesis of love is evil and all that

but

i guess the state of my life right now

maybe thats why i dont really like to blog nowadays
because it sometimes means coming to terms with the ugliness i see in myself
the apathy, the jealousy, the callousness, the narcissism

and no,
no cause for concern or worry,
this isnt some bout of depression and self pity

its just honest, harsh realistic introspection

reminded how some days it seems like we have existance forced upon us without our permission
and we're dragged kicking screaming cursing into day
baptised by trial and fire into a hostile world, which reflects for us to see the ugliness of our souls

but yeah
im grateful, at least on the days when it does strike me
for the friends ive made who stand by me, and make me remember that there is warmth and love in the world,
that though we dont have much, we have each other
cheers

i probably should find a more suitable template but im lazy

sch is on the brink on starting and im strangely looking forward to it

although
yes after thinking about what you said
i think i am a bad influence
i shall start asking the people around me to mug from now on

changed my template abit.... lols cos well who the heck reads my blog anyways??!!!

friends i was out with today with brought up an interesting point

that instead of sa i should have gone to one of the top schs in singapore
get a proper education
then instead of getting the mindset that i probably wouldnt get a scholarship if i tried
i would be driven and all
maybe be in some ivy league place somewhere far away challenging myself
maybe

if u asked me a few years ago if i would change my choices if i could turn back time
i would probably refuse

but time it seems makes a fool of us all

i mean like why the hell not
go to some place where they would groom me to be the best
get teachers to brainwash me: that i have a bright future and am the future leader of tomorrow and all that bull

maybe things would be better
maybe id be out there right now seeing the world, having the rest of my life laid out ahead of me

maybe id have a little something called ambition
doesnt the world and everybody like to see that in a person
and with that a whole lot of swagger and attitude

heck, i may even be one of them elitist bastards, (i seem to have met alot recently)
pompous jerks who only aim for the top and trample on everyone who doesnt get out of their way

well ive met enough of these "highfliers" to think that it probably doesnt make a difference

heck, maybe all the real highfliers are busy flying too high studying overseas at havard or mit to meet me, so my uneducated opinion is simply just that

my favourite author whom i havent quoted in awhile did note that its useless talking about what might have been because in any case,
it isnt
and aside from what is (though some quantum mechanics metaphysicist may say with their metaphysical theories of alternate universes sprouting everytime we make a decision)
there is no other

some days though, i do wish i knew what i wanted
maybe it wouldnt be too bad even if it proved to be some illusive dream

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me

firstly because this blog is a place to rant
and secondly, because i no one would care if i told them how these little things irritate me

forgive me if im too overcritical of preachers.... its just me i think

1) I have a thing against preachers quoting einstein... actually i have something against most people quoting einstein....

they think they lend credibility to what they say just because the mention the name of one of the greatest minds....

einstein was not a christian, and while he had jewish heritage, i doubt he was observing....
while he was not an atheist either, unless preachers intend for me to embrace my theistic sprinkled with agnosticism leanings

hai

i just feel strongly that normal people should try to refrain from making such quotations which make them seem, ironically in this case, retarded...

2) ur little experiment with the benjamin franklin quotation while interesting for playing on academic stereotypes, failed in other ways

the whole point of that refrain to me seemed to be more about the importance of care, especially the care for the details and the intangibles....

it seemed to me more like a reminder to brush my teeth and tie my shoelaces than a useful note to be mindful of sin....