when i first got my posting
i was dumbfounded
i had been praying and asking God give me a good posting
but when i heard i got 41 SAR
well
my heart dropped

sad, down
disappointed with God
i felt betrayed by the one i knew most faithful

with all the voices aoround me telling me i shd be demoralized,
what was i to do

i had to go back to camp on sat
just to immunise some new recruits

dragged my feet to church afterwards

as in the previous few weeks
found most of it disinteresting at first

its hard really
when ur in a ministry when almost everyone is in a different time zone

its like everyone is either ahead
or behind

having walked the path
or not even on the road yet

on one hand, i yearn to have people to struggle alongside me
on the other, i guess
i guess i dont like to be vulnerable
i dont want people to pity me

when i feel let down by God
and stranded from His people

but He who is faithful even when we're faithless
i guess He always will be
Even when He was doing all those wonderful things for the people up front
He spared someone to come share with and comfort me
as i sat at the sidelines
someone to just sit there with me
as i broke down in tears
as i sobbed

i didnt plan on crying
but i guess God knew better
it feels so much better now thats its out
all those feelings of disappointment and betrayal
not that it makes easy to walk the road
but i guess
i guess i needed it

part of me wanted so much to find company in other sources
something else to numb the pain and tide me over these tough times
and to hold onto to
something like prozac
well not exactly
prozac doesnt exactly count as human company

hmm

i guess
hmm
maybe its not time yet
hmm
i have no idea

as He leads i suppose

i guess im learning how to be vulnerable
not to just hide in the dark
but to well
allow others to help tide me over
i guess i need to learn how to cry again