im getting alot of weekends burnt until national day parade
so yeah
dun expect for updates
but here's one
just to breath some life into these dry bones

To love is to risk not being loved in return.
But risk we must, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing

Pulled all of that off someone elses blog

i would've made a commentry on it but well
ive just realised im in no position to
love, i dun know well enough
fear, maybe too well

anyways at this point id really just like to thank someone
for really encouraging me,
for being there (well maybe not in person)
hmm
well at least for paying attention to me
the messages you send me, may not seem like much
but they do lift my spirits when im feeling down in camp
thanks for being that special special encouragement

anyways,
just some random thoughts:


i've been wondering if He were to ask me
"do you love me?"

how would i answer
how could i answer
i'd love to say yes
and mean it
but how could i dare

i dont love Him with my time
i dont love Him with my money
i dont even dare to lose face for Him

but i dont dare say i dont
because
well
because im scared to
to admit that maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with my faith
something wrong with me

that even with everything He's ever done in me and done for me, i havent learnt how to love Him back

at least St. Peter dared to answer that he loved Jesus at least at the level of a friend

am i too cold to feel
too hard to save
too close to the edge to make it back

a writer i love wrote(not word for word cos i cant rmbr)

that its in the realization that we dont feel like loving God, or dont love God much
that we come to love Him more

i guess its in realising that id so often chose some other distraction
some other fix instead of Him,
i guess its then i find my feet
and can walk to Him

well
its not much
but i figure at least if He asks me
"Do you love me?"
i know what to say



help me to

whence mirth and merriment mix
does sorrow with joy flow
such beauty till now have i not beheld

by jonah 33

Search me, know me
Try me and see
Every worthless affection hidden in me
All I'm asking for is that You'd cleanse me, Lord

Create in me a heart that's clean
Conquer the power of secret shame
Come wash away the guilty stain of all my sin
Clothe me in robes of righteousness
Cover my nakedness with grace
All of my life before You now I humbly bring

how perfectly despicable
incompetent imbecile

so what if he does that for a living
driving me around in circles
wasting me time
so what if it may affect his rice bowl

that pusillanimous wimp
that arrogant bastard

so what if he's so much weaker
striking me in the back
i could have, should have beaten him to a pulp
as i stood over him

oh my God
am i still so far from what i should be
so much pride
so much apathy
wheres the humility
wheres the empathy

how perfectly despicable
incompetent imbecile
that pusillanimous wimp
that arrogant bastard

what kind of man am I
where's Your grace, Your love, Your mercy?


help me to find my way to Your mercy seat
to the place where im made more than i could ever be

im just beginning to see

all the brokeness inside

in me

in those around me



why are we so afraid of letting others see how weak we really are

how frail

why must we put up this mirage that we can take it

that we can hold it together

when we're really struggling to breathe

struggling to keep afloat



we're crying out for help on the inside

but we're too proud to show



all the pain, disappointment, hurts

broken dreams, broken hopes, broken lives......



we yearn and pine for someone to hold our hands through it all

to give us that little bit to make it better

to tide us over



but no one ever seems to hit the spot



we cut ourselves, our hands/our hearts

to numb one pain

we run and run

seeking solace and forgetfulness

our tears fall, we harden our caloused hearts

but we fall too many times

and end up broken

inevitable

maybe



thank God i found Him

or rather

He found me



the one who will hold our hands

carry us on His back

collect our tears

and mend our hearts

the one who makes it alright

who holds together our reality

even as it seems to split at its seams



teach me Lord
to be merciful
to love those who need Your love
to look past the cold exterior and see the needs
to learn to love as You love
purify my heart
make me as clean as snow again

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love