i feel like ive lost something

like ive missed some important point ive always known but for now have forgotten

this one thing, that makes all the difference

some farewell,
like ive even been around in the first place

so im alone
again
have always been

how do i make sense of all this
sometimes i feel so lost
dont know where to call home
its sad really,
homesick for a place you cant find

i sometimes really can emphatise with jp man
sometimes hanging out with ppl younger than u is a comfort
because u dont nned to worry abt having reached a standard relative to your peers
and its easier to look like you are something
especially when ur peers arent people u feel close to

My heart ain't built to stay
My heart ain't built to stay
Jesus told me so

so im on my knees again
covered with false tears
hiding my inability to cry

im on the periphery
watching love crucified.....again

wandered so far, a prodigal too proud to regret
im grasping the spear
im nailing those hands
so hardnt, i wont cry out

i remember a fountain overflowing
that river that envelopes

take me in, fighting and clawing
to a gate called beautiful,
so this cripple can walk

im knocking, help me to find..........me
light my pyre again
with that all consuming fire that doesnt burn out

the trouble is-by jars of clay

My wings don't sail me to the sky
On my own these wings won't fly
Jesus told me so
Still I'm not so sure that I know

Can't find no rest for my soul
Can't find no rest on my own
Jesus told me so
Still I'm not so sure that I know

Man, the trouble is
We don't know who we are instead
Man, the trouble is
We don't know who we are instead

I'll keep runnin' the other way
My heart ain't built to stay
My heart ain't built to stay
And the world just ain't that way

Man, the trouble is
We don't know who we are instead
Man, the trouble is
We don't know who we are instead
We don't know who we are instead

My heart ain't built to stay
My heart ain't built to stay
Jesus told me so

found

im blogging in camp.............
shhhhhhhhh
well
my sis is going tml
and hmm
i guess i am sad
although im not exactly wrought with emotions
but well
im beginning to learn that things like sorrow and joy kinda transcend the mere emotional

for the past few weeks,
i'll admit to having felt more lost
hmm
its kinda relative, cost im not very found yet

anyways
i guess it was due to a combination of issues, in camp, in church/ministry and stuff
felt kinda direction-less
add that together with the incongruency between the physical and metaphysical narratives
and u get some pretty depressing stuff

wont say im better now, less depressed or things are looking up
honestly feel like ive come upon a midlife crisis a couple of decades too early

well weekend duties dictate alot of boredom and extra time
i had 2 very intriguing phone conversations

most random but one touched on applying convictions in our lives, and the dilemma when personal convictions and group convictions clash, or when group convictions change and we're left stranded

the other one touched alot on how,
how sometimes we dream big, we have ambition but it seems that we're stuck in this mundane rut headed nowhere
i guess im learning that we achieve greatness through the culmination of mundane actions

ive got too many things on my mind now
not alot on the forefront, but alot swimming around in the periphery
maybe i should do a study on the effectiveness of peripheral and subconscious thought or something

bleagh

so im just this little boy
with his immatured sentiments
not knowing what to do with them

its a sobering thought
to know for a christian who's been found
im still plenty lost

cny week hasnt been altogether too great
very sian
the old routine of relatives visiting
asking hows army and other questions i dont wanna answer
beginning to question and doubt, my place in all of this and all that
apathy's also rearing its old face

for some reason this week has been full of nostalgia
familiar places, familiar things
all reminding me of experiences, and events that i held dear....
its sad, when you look back and mourn the passing of one of the dearest phases of one's life
island creamery, breadshops
hmm
all remind me of the best time of my life
maybe too much

oh yeah
wanna quote from one movie i caught while on duty in camp....
a beautiful mind
the speech my john nash, when accepting the nobel prize

My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional -- and back.
And I have made the most important discovery of my career, the most important discovery of my life: It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reasons can be found.

so beautiful.....gosh, i think im becoming sentimental

anyways, another quote
i thirst
no prizes for guessing where's its from
trying to find my feet in all of this,
all of this
wont You help me find me?

well, the moulding never stops does it
again and again
the lessons hurt

i guess thats the way it is
when one has a God with an unsashiable desire to see His people become more like Himself
ah well,
suckus thumbus?