i caught an opera on friday
enjoyed quite abit suprisingly
though i didnt like the ending, though no fault of puccinis other than the fact that he had to die before writing the ending
i identified alot with the notions of unrequited love, of going all out for someones smile
and sadly, i identified with how we can be so cold and so terrible

its been a rollercoaster of late
but whats new right?
except
this sunday has been a first for me
a first whereby the idea of changing church has gone from a notion of toying
to something im seriously considering
for all my noble reasons for staying
ive become something incapable of nobility
and ive lost all the human parts of me that can be tied down

anyways
on to greener pastures
i am thouroughly blown away by tan chao yuans blog

one of the funniest and most memorable jokers i have ever known

he never fails to lower my guard and then blow me away with that secret guarded depth he hides behind the facade of lame corniness and shameless bantering and joking

i think thru him im beginning to really grasp a line i read in a book "a million little pieces"
we laugh because it sure beats crying about the sad state of our lives

another imperfect quote, since my memory lacks graphic accuracy

and a misquote
because life with tan chao yuan is rarely sad,
and the the tears still do flow, cause he makes us laugh too hard

but he'd better not read this lest his head inflate

im so bummed
and i think part of me inside is dying
maybe this is the way things have to go
to let the wilfulness die off

its sobering really
to know these sides of ones self
and still dare us dream of grandeur

sometimes i wonder
am i doing all of this just to get some attention
like some ADD kid
just to get some pity points

or have i gone beyond that
and just forgotten how to be fine

we all need help sometimes
sometimes we need a shoulder to lean on

sometimes i wonder if that could be my all
to live for others
to be stoic and strong and act alive for the sake of others
but i dont think im made of such stiff stuff

and to be honest i doubt that i care

maybe i just need some rest
to find some respite wherever that is
but ive found myself in You
in the moments when everything else didnt matter
except screaming Your name with the lungs i had left

maybe i dont love You
maybe its all a facade
like how my life doesnt point in that direction

maybe
maybe
but if this facade is all i have
then so be it
cause i choose this facade over the reality that is presented to me
so please bear with me awhile
till my love for You changes from this act of a pharisee
to something real inside

i dont know why
but i still want to be the shoulders you can lean on

I'm here waiting for something new to break my heart
So callous laden, I can't feel a thing at all
Will You catch my fall?

From lost and not found, to run and not hide
My hand inside... Your hand

Fear is keeping time with the beating of my heart
I'm doin' way too much thinkin'
And it's tearing me apart
Then I, I feel You reach for me

From lost and not found, to run and not hide
My hand inside... Your hand
Losing my grip falling so far
My hand inside Your hand

I hear Your voice and follow
So hard to believe, and still I go
Yeah still I go

ive always claimed to have known its all a farce
that community was a formality
and group vision belonged to only a few selected elite
something a rogue like me could never hope to grasp

then why am i hurting so much inside?
even when the dust seems to have settled
and people seemed to have moved on

ive lost myself

and honestly im not trying too hard to get found again
it seems so many people are just throwing themselves into the fray

im in no hurry to plunge in myself

i make no claims to justice
no presumptions of greatness

we clash we fight we bleed we die

and the crowd are just more amused for all our vanity

how could we
we who have no faces ever hope to change the world

run run run
till u cant anymore
till ur legs give way
till u hit the wall

fall down
through the ground
let urself be taken under

u scream u cry
u make some noise
if only they would hear u
if only they would heed ur calls

but no ones listening
no one hears
autism has plagued our world

so dive
deep inside
till u fine urself
or a place to hide

cos when night falls
and red moon glows bright
dark creatures howl
and spectres aflight

fire rages
illuminates us
reveals what we're worth

will i survive Thine infernal blaze
or become chaff to the wind?


when did you become so beautiful, when did you learn how to fly
now im left behind
down on terra
staring up into the heavens
mouth agape

the lights
the stage
the riff
the wild cheers
the screaming crowd
the driving music
that flawless crazy solo
that haunting drawl

everyone getting their feet off the floor
throwing their hands up
singin, shouting, screaming their hearts, lungs and guts out
going crazy for Jesus
multitudes across the denominations,
a gamut in a chorus of unity
belting out that anthem for One

that unrelinquished joy
of lost and abandonment
praise, just praise
worship, what else could matter
the thousand other thoughts just driven so far
mere words turn hazy
only lifted hands and intoxicated utterances

Oh that irresistable, uncontainble invitation to worship
to dive deep in over our heads

how have we wondered so far from it

its a sad beautiful spectacle
the killing of a dream

but reality calls?
yeah rite......

you all talk about doing the right thing,
abt being right before God

strange really
seeing how both sides seem to be fighting in the name of God
and doing what is right

deja vu
reminds me of the christian crusades and islamic jihads of medival times
the funny thing is
the arabic breathren proved more humane

so what gives you the right to promote your brand of truth
arent we all just bumbling fools
groping around in the dark?

iron men, like their feminine counterparts
can only bleed from the inside