im so bummed
and i think part of me inside is dying
maybe this is the way things have to go
to let the wilfulness die off

its sobering really
to know these sides of ones self
and still dare us dream of grandeur

sometimes i wonder
am i doing all of this just to get some attention
like some ADD kid
just to get some pity points

or have i gone beyond that
and just forgotten how to be fine

we all need help sometimes
sometimes we need a shoulder to lean on

sometimes i wonder if that could be my all
to live for others
to be stoic and strong and act alive for the sake of others
but i dont think im made of such stiff stuff

and to be honest i doubt that i care

maybe i just need some rest
to find some respite wherever that is
but ive found myself in You
in the moments when everything else didnt matter
except screaming Your name with the lungs i had left

maybe i dont love You
maybe its all a facade
like how my life doesnt point in that direction

maybe
maybe
but if this facade is all i have
then so be it
cause i choose this facade over the reality that is presented to me
so please bear with me awhile
till my love for You changes from this act of a pharisee
to something real inside

i dont know why
but i still want to be the shoulders you can lean on