a friend happened to point out to me that i dont update my blog
so i figured an update would be apt at this point,
although i dont know who would actually read this....
according to einstein, the definition of insanity is :
doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
(which ironically seems to me like what some scientist are in the business of, although i suppose a little insanity in the name of science and progress isnt a bad thing, u must be quite insane to pursue science as a career)

but yeah, id be suprised if anyone comes here at all expecting a post, seeing how i rarely post anything

but well, this post is dedicated to the insane, and to those whom im certain are pure evil

so how have i been
i really dont know how to answer that one,
i dont have a simple straight answer to that,
and no number on any scale will do, cos my moods seem to lack consistancy

on one hand ive got quite alot going for me
at least accademically, which for singaporean students is supposed to be all and end all
but i dont really care

on the church front
i still wont ever be caught saying that ive settled down

spiritually i guess im not where i want to be (who is), but im glad ive made some progress
at least, i think im no longer resentful against God

emotionally and psychologically,
theres alot of discontent simmering under the surface
mixed in with an unhealthy dose of apathy, pessmism, fatalism and uncertainty

i dont blog much nowadays abt pessmism, or doubt, or inner dialogues
trying to keep that part of me to a minimum, although i figure it'll always be a part of me
i'll always be a cynic, always too intellectual for my own good
always indulging in intellectual priggery

anyways
only 13 year old pubescant teens have the right to rant abt all the angst and growing pains they go through,
no one wants to hear a 23 year old guy talk admit how lost he is
even though i sometimes wonder if we grow more lost as we age

im trying, with mixed results, to live more simply, to be ignorant even

who cares if i can see how much of a bugger the people around me are,
or if im all too aware of the social undercurrents, and lack of social justice
who cares if im painfully aware of the lack of love in our midst

it hurts to care, and im not ready for that again

im really sorry, if you were hoping to read this to gain some measure of solace, certainty or comfort
those are really scarce in these parts