“Do you also want to go away?”

For those who dont know, or are not familiar with NKJV
that was quoted from John 6:67 and if ur bible is any good, those words would appear in red

I'm beginning to consider the distinct possibility that all this discontent, this stirring, these labour pangs as some would deem it is possibly because ive wandered away from Jesus

no ive not joined some cult, or embraced satanism
ive not engaged in hedonism, wild druken orgies and all that

sometimes i wish it were as simple and clear cut as that

its queer
sometimes we can do all the right things, attend church, cell and bible study,
serve all over the place
pour out ourselves again and again
and still in the midst of all of it wander away from Jesus

not that ive managed to do all of that stated above
i church hop, i dont have a cell, nor a group bible study and im serving er myself
but my point in case is this
our religious piety doesnt stop us from wandering away

innocuous activities such as service and fellowship
sometimes are harmless enough that they manage to seduce us away from our proper intent

i guess somewhere along the way i got a bit preoccupied with my self, certain others and other things
and forgot that being a christian isnt about attending church or serving or even evangelism
sure it is bound to involve those things
but its supposed to be about Gods love, and us trying to react appropriately to something as overwhelming as that

it holds some truth, even though sounding far fetched, that the day we're not overwhelmed by God
is probably the day when we've lost the plot
humbling to consider that ive lost the plot so often

i guess it is good that ive been feeling discontent and suffocated
to not feel that way, even when something as imperative as the tenet of my faith isnt at the core of what i am, and what i do
mmm
that would be really something else

i guess Simon Peters reply was quite trite
to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life

there is no other way,
there is no other

we may wander away, get caught up in things we know wont satisfy
kill ourselves and drag down others chasing illusive dreams, and noble creeds
but at the end of the day
there is no where else we can really go

im sorry that i dont have answers that really answer anything
i wish things were easier and more clear cut
i wish the problem was less subtle
and the answer less metaphysical
but i dont have or know any other

no ive not settled down anywhere
im feeling lost
feeling directionless
feeling unfulfilled
why?
1. im impossible to please
you cant be fulfilled if u have no idea what you're looking for
2. ive got a commitment issue
3. im plain lazy
4 im too proud

too used to being ok
to acting like im ok
so now im not
whee

i was wrong when i said that my life is boring, and that there is nothing going on worth blogging?
but i guess its just that i dont really feel like blogging about stuff nowadays
been in a rut of nonchalency

used to blog when i was moody
but this is not moodyness or at least not merely moodyness
i dont mean to put down all the great wonderful and special ppl ive met up with recently, or been going out with
its just that there hasnt been much ive felt like saying

theres just this feeling like a big wet blanket pressing down on me, suffocating me
like someone used up all the oxygen in the room

well
i do deserve the tag of procrastination by eeli
but mmm
ive bought my DSLR today
so ive finally gone out and done something

hahhaha

I need words
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now
(I Need Words- David Crowder Band)
David may look like a goat, but hey his songs rock, and weird is cool, at least in his case

usually when people ask me what im up to nowadays,
i find it hard to give them a good answer
cause i usually cant justify myself without people gawking at how i waste away my days
they make it seem like a crime that im not running around saving the world, or the economy for that matter

im waiting for daylight,
waiting for that piercing epiphany to part the clouds
and make something of this

attempted incoherence

went down life con auditions/interview ytd to help out with the interviews
was really fun,
probably because its like the most meaningful thing ive done in awhile
seeing all the juniors,
doing stuff, putting in late nights
kinda makes me jealous
i guess im missing it,
that cause
the thing u burn yourself out for

mmm
the interviewing part was fun, you get to ask ppl weird questions and to throw monkey wrenches
and observe a case study in communication
the things they say, and the things they dont
the eloquence and the eye contact or the lack of both
the posture and the way they drum the table

mmm
what i didnt like was how after that, we had to grade their "spirituality"
like that should ever be our job
who are we to conclude he has a pride issue or she's immature
like we can ever know
its a responsibility to big for us
that such an opportunity is dependent on whether an acquaintance of 5 min vouches for you

but i suppose we put up with shortfalls and necessary evils?
we call the dice best we can, cross our fingers and hope our choice doesnt disappoint
cos we will only really know afterwards


but hey if we're really to be pragmatic,
....
well in the name of pragmatism, i shall keep my views to myself

maybe thats why im the one who's distant and uninvolved
because i conform only out of convenience
and i harbour dangerous, anarchical thoughts

this world is an ugly place
and we are all ugly people
but its bigger than us,
more than the whole or the sum of the parts
the dream bigger than the world
this thing called love
i guess thats whats life concerts about
and thats why its bigger than you or me

they say love is a feeling, a sentiment a notion
i guess they're right
on the good days at least
but im starting to realise that behind its gay, paper facade
its alot stouter, and sterner than we'd prefer
unyielding, unbending, insatiable blaze
some days passionate but mostly a cold still burn

maybe i do love you
not the way you'd want but still

honestly im jealous of you
we all need to be needed
maybe you get that in excess but excess is better than shortfall anyday right?

i said yesterday that people, (dumb ones not included) generally dont blog (private blogs not counting) what they really feel and think, but what they would like others to read/see unless the two correspond... but i guess i was wrong
we blog cryptically or openly, either way too obvious in our depraved mindset
stuff we really feel and think, stuff that shouldnt be shared
but we share it anyways
wholesale to any taker
we comfort ourselves that he/she wont guess, or understand, that they cant take context without it being spelled out
but inside we know that they know we want them to know

we do this, put our face and reputation to jeopardy
why?
because we yearn to be known
we yearn for others to see the small person behind the big mask
hate us condemn us, reject us
just know who we are,
no need to love us in return, just take stock of our love
we're just too small and too timid to declare it outloud, we'd rather die than get embarrased
but it kills us anyway when nobody realises
so to hell with the consequences
like faust, we're signing the dotted line
for a good run
maybe it will be enough


yeah rite

ive been using my utmost for his highest for my quiet time
read something recently that i think is very poignant
so im blogging about it
it wasnt the main theme for the day
but it was mentioned how the gospel shd be the central focus of our christianity, not personal holiness
that personal holiness is just a by-product
and that focusing on it primarily doesnt help us to grow,

i think ive got to rediscover what my christianity means to me?
not that ive been doing alot of it
not that ive been consumed and obsessed with holiness
but i think for me the gospel was nowhere the centre of my christian life

im ashamed of the gospel
at least i cringe when ppl lack subtility in sharing their faith
or when they proclaim it in public

to me i was satisfied when ppl just saw how i wasnt doing the same things as them,
that i was "holy" and set apart
that i didnt do certain things because i thought them below me

but that isnt christianity
at least not the main point of it
i think i can still count with one hand the number of occasions i shared the gospel on a personal level?
while some at least try to invite ppl for evangelistic events
i dont really see the point?

i think ive got to learn now what it means to be a christian
to testify of salvation, my salvation

i think if the good news really belongs to us
we'll want it to share it with everyone
excitement and joy will come naturally
oh wells

saw this really cool video on youtube
called cardboard testimonies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ

reclusion-anberlin

There's someone inside me that softly kills everyone around
They don't know they're dead to me cause intent never makes a sound
All along they found I strangled lovers who've learned from slower hands
With these eleven minutes I could teach you what I am

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

There's an art in seclusion. Production in depression
If a stranger turns up missing, this song is my confession
Tell the tales of the trail of dead, lovers learn from slower hands
Losing self in myself, inner demons make demands

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

You're suffocating me, so very hard to breathe
My mask is growing heavy but I've forgotten who's beneath

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide