sorry im no good at bending over backwards and jumping through hoops

really glad i went for FOP yesterday
even though yes, there wasnt any popular overseas christian performing group there
mmm
the singaporean performing groups were kind of
mmm
smarmy
if thats a word
didnt really get into the worship part
part of it was the atmosphere
part of it probably me being easily distracted

but the message was real good

i think i have a thing for australian pastors
just their dialetic and humour
im usually the odd one out when it comes to sermons
when others usually say its great im left scratching my head
and i think it works the other way
but yeah
australian preachers tend to be like interesting?

moving on,
ive been encountering the term "emergent church"
quite abit in literature and now hearing about it from preachers
the emergent church or even for that matter emerging churches havent really come to singapore yet
and the local church doesnt seem concerned or interested to tackle the "issue"
after reading up on it abit
i honestly find the idea of an emergent or at least admittantly emerging church very alluring
id admit as being a child of this generation to being strongly post-modernistic in certain areas
and being quite disillusioned with traditional church institutions and the norms of church
the whole decentralised power and deconstruction of modern traditions seems called for

while sure, the whole movement has seen criticism from the more main-stream of christiandom in the west
although it seems to me awfully right wing, red, gun-totting, grizzled and bush like if u ask me
id be the first to join one if it came to singapore
id have to admit that the decentralised authority and the promotion of conversation over traditional evangelism is the main impetus

on to a totally offhand, uninteresting, and unrelated diatribe
i shall talk abt the byzantium empire
why a post-modernist shd be interested in a medival empire
well its relevant to me
aha,
the lure of the post-modernist mindset

so anyways
my love affair with all things associated with the east roman empire began in sec sch
thanks to a game known as medival total war
now for those who are of the school of thought that computer games just teach little boys violence and nothing more,
id strongly disagree
ive learnt alot of what i know from games
games are often the sparking point for interests in history (any period with a war in it usually is interesting) mythology, and even promote knowledge of science and technology
i learnt abt physics theories through sid mier's alpha centauri
and abt the impt breaktrhoughs in technology both in antiquity and in the present day from civilisation 3, civ 3 also helped teach me that while democracy is currently one of the most efficient government types, it has it drawbacks, and it isnt perfect and shd be viewed on the same palate next to socialism, theism, monarchies and the rest

and so yes,
kids shd play more games
regardless than the latest offerings seem to teach one how to survive post-nuclear apocalyptic hell or a zombie outbreak, what man vs wild will probably never touch on

i digress
back to the centre of orthodox christiandom
the lure of Byzantium will always be their armoured horses,
their wealth, naval and military power and prowess
the strength of the walls of constantinople
the glory and splendour of that city

even in places like the vatican museum often the more impressive artifacts, some of them were stolen from constantinople in its sacking by crusaders

mmm
ok
i first was drawn to byzantium by the colour purple, the fact that its strategic position is more playable than any catholic faction in early medieval times (it was the easiest non-muslim faction)

mmm
actually the muslim factions were the most satisfying to play as
medieval times were the heyday of muslim nations
a time when these were the most gracious nations on earth
at the forfront of the arts, society and technology

saladin was probably the greatest of all rulers to come out of medieval times
even in othello, the moor is more civilised than the venetians

sometimes nowadays i cringe at the thought that their descendants are a poor poor shadow compared to their legacy
but anyways

mmm
the byzantium society was marked by two things i find interesting
first was that their constantly was power play in their hierachy
byzantium was the golden age of political assasinations

what else makes byzantium interesting was that as the centre of orthodox christiandom
it was the home of amateur theologist
it seems that men in the street were espousing the theology of the trinity the incarnation and divinity

while it seems at first paradoxical that assasintation central and theology could co-exit
im realising now that they seem to go hand in hand
we make our own political mess out of the instituions God ordained

mmm
i think the 3rd real impetus of the emergent church for me is that it is praxis oriented

just finished surprised by joy by CS Lewis
one source of great comfort to me is that my hero didnt think much of the practice of keeping a journal
and so i shall not have to feel guilty about not keeping one

mmm
i think i took loads more from that book than that
but my power of introspection isnt strong enough for me to make it a meaningful blogpost

just shall mention this one thing i feel is of vital importance....
for many, CS Lewis' conversion experience seems to be a wholly intellectual affair
and so not spiritual in any sense
i think this could not be further from the truth
i think no one verily comes to God on his own
and as shown by C.S.L he was pursued by God, not the other way round
the impetus to choose God is provided by Him

i believe the intellectual response can be just as spiritual as the emotional one

some may quote scripture that God confounds our wisdom, and that God's wisdom is foolishness to us
but arent there scripture as well that warn us that the heart is deceitful

i think God meets us where we are and in accordance to what we are

perhaps both the emotional and intellectual response in themselves dont measure up to what God wants
but than do we ever measure up by our own efforts


i think the problem is that nowadays, one unspoken heresy in the modern church is (in simple mathematics) that God moving=feeling His presence
i think this bugbear has arose because so many men of God say that i feel or sense God's presence/move
which while not wrong has caused the view that God's presence since not sensuous must be emotionally indicated
and this may be true in some circumstances
its just circumstantial or in a more mathematical term, correlation
God's modus operandi isnt limited to the emotional realm, although i must admit, it is a powerful tool


i think we should stop thinking that "God has moved" if there is a strong emotional or physical response
2 things, God is constantly on the move, even if we have no subjective evidence to allay our doubts about this
and also, i think the emotional response while powerful is short term
not that the intellectual response is inherently better or has a longer shelf life
i think that we should adopt the attitude that whether we see the move or not,
God is always at His business
and we try our best
and the only reliable indicator of success (although we shouldnt be looking for one) is probably that of retrospection
it is scriptural to judge things by their fruit

just watched the reduced Shakespeare company perform the complete works of Shakespeare (abridged) at the national library

awesome, wonderful act
few comedies keep the laughs coming for a sustained period of 2 hours
but they somehow pulled it off

and the jokes ranged from crass to highbrow
so i guess there was something for everyone

mmm
the last thing that made me laugh so hard was the simpsons movie
but this was superb
riotously funny

its peculiar how at one moment one's inner conflicts seem metaphysical and at another infinitesimal

maybe the quality of life is dictated by endorphins
and reality as we perceive it are just the outer mechanics of meaningless abstractions

mmmm
i think its all the sugar
made some chocolate pistachio fudge in the afternoon,
dangerously addictive

but really i think the high I'm on now is probably from reading Surprised by Joy by my favourite author
it's not that he is uber interesting, and most of the time his discussions are quite beyond my intellectual capacity
it could be the intellectual stimulus but i think its more that that
its even beyond the aesthetics, though i think he makes other authors like *cough* Lucardo seem prosaic

to be honest, and i know it'll probably sound dumb
sometimes i try to find my mantra to life in the literature i read
i bought JM Coetzee's Youth hoping to find some inspiration from the character, a mathematician aspiring for the bohemian life
not that i fancy myself such
and it didnt work out
cause the book had a fatalistic ending

maybe that's why i finally decided to read this book
because feeling aimless and drifting
i turned to this book hoping to find a rudder
mmm
i wont say i did
but i think it put certain things in their places
and all the aesthetic and intellectual pleasure it brought cant really be bad either

suprised by joy

although i told someone i would be starting on "A clockwork orange" (not that it matters)

ive decided to finally start on "suprised by joy" by CS Lewis instead

mmm

my copy happens to be one of my greatest earthly treasures

a hard cover book with gold leave sides bought second hand from my ex-senior pastor for 15 bucks

an excerpt from the first chapter

it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is here a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and from Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want.

i love his work

but im not intelligent enough to consider myself as an admirer

crazy fan boy is a far apter description

And I'll hang on to you
Cause you're stronger
And you keep me from falling
And you brighten the world
With your beauty
Keep me closer
I'm calling

Lookin' out like a little child
Holding tight when it all gets wild

And I'll hang on to you
Nothing in this world will see me through, only you
And I'll hang on to you
Everyday I live I give to you

And your love it is true
I feel stronger
And I'm happy to know you
Cause you shine like the sun
And you're brighter
Than the darkness
That's falling

Nothing in this world
Could ever take your place
Happiness is found
In your holy face
In your warm embrace



ive decided to find my way back,

not some big life changing decision, at least for now i'll have no idea,

not that i know how, or the when and the where

but i think the biggest change is that at least now i dont want to fall away anymore



its funny how i was expecting this change of mindset to follow some big event

some great spiritual encounter, a burning bush or the back of God on the mountaintop but it wasnt , there's plenty of pathos; how the biggest choice is the one made in ambiguity and out of no compulsion, i wanted to call it a paradigm shift, but what happened doesnt have the dramatic flair that those words suggests....



maybe thats why it was so long coming

because i wanted the fire and the wind and the earthquake, the booming voice and the bright light

and i didnt even get a small voice



im not even sure how it happened

i just suddenly had the desire and the will to want back



so thank you God, for being the supplier of the will and the desire, an any appetite at all for You

and thank you whoever's kept me in prayer

if there are any people at all



and im blogging about all this, although it's more fitting for a journal entry

because i never successfully kept a journal

and i want to record it somewhere that wont end up under a pile of stuff

to remind myself of my decision

making an altar of remembrance seems like a better idea but i dont think i want to erect one anywhere

recently in australia, i chanced upon my uncle's great 10 year plan

it wasnt some big scale project to end homelessness, pretty mechanical, material and grounded objectives

but theyr'e reasonable ambitions and im not in any place to judge, cause when i ask myself what i want to be at 31, i draw a blank

i mean sure, id like to be employed, prefably at something i enjoy and i hope to be living at some level of comfort, big house with a white picket fence and all that but other than that, i'm drawing a blank slate in my mind and its not a comfortable notion. people without vision do perish.

of course ive had aspirations or at least daydreamed of the future, but its nothing i'll admit to wanting now, not that there arent desirable prospects, but nothing id dare or want to commit to

fear and lazyness will probably be my undoing

i used to be idealistic once, i think, now i seem aimless, a floating spectre waiting for something or someone to come along and point me in some direction

sure there's all that good sensible and holy christian mantra about living for God and doing His will, but while its warm and fuzzy, but nothing more defined

i recently finished reading midnights children, an excellent but long book,

one thing that piqued my interest was the idea that the high point of one's destiny could be in one's destruction

and while that idea seems more fatalistic than biblical, i can think of examples like samson, pharoh and judas, the latter two being slightly more relavant, as according to scripture, God hardened pharoh's heart and as for judas, Jesus foretold his betrayal, showing that for some, God's plan isnt prosperity and abundance, but personal doom, albeit for God's glory

why do i mention this? i mention it because i think it's humbling, and necessary

because one must always contemplate that while yes, God did promise that He has good things in store for us

they may not be sunny and brilliant and alluring to the palate

histories greatest moment was brutal, we killed God