ah, finally a brief respite......
some people love the life of hassle, of things to do and places to go
i prefer to just sit in some comfortable place and let life pass by
but enough about my lacksidasical fantatsies.....

fear of the consequences of fire......
it took no paltry amount of time or effort to come to terms

i am afraid of fire,
of that merciless consuming blaze,

to be held in omnipotent hands,
bent on perfection

why do i fear so much?
because im holding on too tight?

how to learn to let go and trust.....
to trust.......

honestly i want to blog more regularly
but i barely have time for the necessities
and yeah
there is so much i would like to pen down
but this isnt the place,
too many roving eyes.....
and usually by the time my sis is done with the com at home,
and i take my bath and sit in front of the com

the initial angst/inspiration is gone
and im blogging on an empty tank
and usually there is no point writing something i dun feel convicted about at that point

anyways yeah
so here i am,
driven by morbid boredom to blog
in a place that is unfamiliar to me
even the keyboard feels wierd

maybe i was asking for it
choosing to be laconic, and distant
so now im detached
albeit abit undesired at this point but
hmm

am i doomed to wonder 40 years for disobediance?

am i that rouge?

feel as if im lost, and alien,
i mean yeah
supposed to be alien
but not from the church
so i feel lost

anyways
glad to see you back and smiling
looks to me like uve dealt with some of the demons,
and well
maybe more like, gotten ur head out of some of that self induced muck and finally letting go to grasp joy
im glad for you
i just hope i can follow your example......

after so long ive realised that i havent really gotten that far,
just a few inches off the starting block
and maybe not in the right direction
so this is the race im running
somehow it seems that im not really making much progress
i dun noe if i'll ever make it
but yeah
what choice do i have
but to struggle
and it doesnt help
when the struggle isnt as clear cut as it used to be
and now, the times are more pressing....
hai
if only
if only if i wasnt so frail

a shell of hollow cynicism,
is that all that remains
of a kindred spirit i once admired?

have the waves so tossed you around
have you grown calloused and hard with every passing heartache?
now that the sparkle in your eyes has dimmed
and your steps have become heavy?

so people never disappoint to disappoint
so you've learnt that
when the merry world turns crimson
and the roses grow thorns what then?

do i have the right to be disappointed??
with all the delusionment, and griping?

especially when these old friends seem familiar to me

anyway
recently many things have well
been very interesting
honestly
so many black and whites fading to grey
and honestly i dun noe how to repsond anymore
i dun want to see you cry,
that look in your eyes you have sometimes just cuts so deep
but i dun noe how else......
argh

sometimes i wish it didnt seem as if i was the one tainting the waters

a fancy
strange things happen

in the twinkling of an eye
presumptions break
and we find ourselves in a place we've never tred

sometimes im so confused,
i dont know what i want
i dont know what i should be feeling
times like now.......

i never knew,
that it could come so hard and fast
nor that it would be as such

but i care
is that enough?
is that ever enough?

phantom

You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered


Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here


Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could


Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle


Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?


Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try


No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye
Help me say goodbye

soap

why
why do people behave the way they do?
why does the crazed intoxication lead to such melodrama and conspiracy
why must it be so tiresome
i can see why im afraid
i dunno
i guess well,
im not the only one who is getting hurt by all of this
but am i the only one who feels wary?

its just seems so impossible sometimes
i cant take another episode,
how do people last so many seasons
why must the blossoms draw as such
why do the rays melt the coldest heart?
are we all fools?

was it worth it?
all the blood sweat and tears?
late nights
sleep debt
weariness?
hmm
i suppose time will tell
but sometimes that answer isnt enough
especially when we dont see much
but i guess ive been blessed with this one respite

11 years
after 11 years of hardness, a heart opens
if that isnt fruit i dunno what is
i just hope it lasts
i really do