im so tired of all the pretences
the "good intetions" and the holiness
and all

maybe thats why im drawn to the real assholes
because they're the least likely to wear masks

dont you know me by now?

so we're all just good monsters
wearing masks and running about

why i need grace

this is kinda overdue
actually its something thats been at teh back of my mind for about a week now

its something i realised from clarence stephens sharing during cell(the older ppl one)

his sharing was bsed on king asa
if you look him up in the old testament
you'd realise that he is the one of the few kings whom they talk about as being fully committed to God

this title probably only being shared by david and solomon(i may be mistaken)

when teh bible calls a person fully committed to God, it isnt a case of hyperbole or being metaphorical
this dude was one of the few who turned back to God, tore down the idols in his land, disposed of his idol worshipping mother
and redirected the peoples focus to God.
in the face of unsurmountable odds, he trusted in God,
and a bunch of ten thousand odd israelites won against a million enemy soldiers without raising their arms(im meaning weapons here)

what a faith,
what a wholeheartedness
yet in the later part of his life, he forsake God for security in man
and when rebuked by a prophet of God
instead of repenting
he took it out on his people by oppressing them
and trusted in physicians instead the God who moved miracles through him

if such a wholehearted, Godly man, who saw God defeat the millions for him
could fall

much less me
with my many doubts, iniquities
the many idols and high places i erected in my life

what hope do i have...
i dont have the faith to conquer the multitudes to start with
what happens when the enemies rise up to take me
whats there to stop me from trusting in man?

asa fell,
solomon was drawn away from God

wisdom cant save a man from temptation
much less my doubts

so what chance do i really have
what kind of fools hope can i really hope to bear

this poor idol exalting fool

ive just read habakkuk
and well,
of all the minor prophets,
i think its one of the coolest
because while the rest of them tell others what God wants to say
this guy risks possible judgement by asking God the questions

and i guess there is a lesson in point for us
that we should ask God why, how and all the other important matters that press in on our hearts

im thouroughly amazed by the wisdom God has given some young people
hahaha
to set our eyes upon God,

its true
i guess
its all that matters
when we set our eyes upon Him
we will be hidden in Him, as the storm passes

fine me in Your river
where streams of living water flow
where im washed clean
whiter than snow
i go under
die
and made anew
where Your Spirit falls
like a dove
and changes everything
and everything else

Zechariah 11:4-17 (New International Version)
Two Shepherds
4 This is what the LORD my God says: "Pasture the flock marked for slaughter. 5 Their buyers slaughter them and go unpunished. Those who sell them say, 'Praise the LORD, I am rich!' Their own shepherds do not spare them. 6 For I will no longer have pity on the people of the land," declares the LORD. "I will hand everyone over to his neighbor and his king. They will oppress the land, and I will not rescue them from their hands."
7 So I pastured the flock marked for slaughter, particularly the oppressed of the flock. Then I took two staffs and called one Favor and the other Union, and I pastured the flock. 8 In one month I got rid of the three shepherds. The flock detested me, and I grew weary of them 9 and said, "I will not be your shepherd. Let the dying die, and the perishing perish. Let those who are left eat one another's flesh."
10 Then I took my staff called Favor and broke it, revoking the covenant I had made with all the nations. 11 It was revoked on that day, and so the afflicted of the flock who were watching me knew it was the word of the LORD.
12 I told them, "If you think it best, give me my pay; but if not, keep it." So they paid me thirty pieces of silver.
13 And the LORD said to me, "Throw it to the potter"-the handsome price at which they priced me! So I took the thirty pieces of silver and threw them into the house of the LORD to the potter.
14 Then I broke my second staff called Union, breaking the brotherhood between Judah and Israel.
15 Then the LORD said to me, "Take again the equipment of a foolish shepherd. 16 For I am going to raise up a shepherd over the land who will not care for the lost, or seek the young, or heal the injured, or feed the healthy, but will eat the meat of the choice sheep, tearing off their hoofs.
17 "Woe to the worthless shepherd,
who deserts the flock!
May the sword strike his arm and his right eye!
May his arm be completely withered,
his right eye totally blinded!"

so this is our babylon

this was a rather troubling passage in zechariah
why? because before it was a passage on God blessing, Jerusalem,
then after that
suddenly in zechariah 11:1
it turns, and talks about the desecration of Israel
and then this
a passage about shepards

now shepards biblically, usually have postive connotations
church leaders, and even Jesus himself
but over here the verses talk about foolish shepards
and shepards that couldnt care less about the flock

a broken and contrite heart, You wont despise
You promised to care for us
we lowly meek ones

well, lets start with some very obvious truths
firstly that,
God does give special provisions, and cares especially for the poor, the weak and the meek

You given me these little ones
these weak ones
they are mine

another truth
God sometimes lets terrible leaders rule His people
the Herods, the Ahabs

i wish it were as i acted
that i didnt care
but i do, as much as i hate to admit it
so there will be hell to pay
if u lead them astray

so the line of reasoning goes on like this
when the leaders walk astray
and dont keep to the straight and narrow
God has no choice but to cast them out
and this He will do,
according to His character
Him being just

the thing is God cares so much for the lowly meek poor ones
but God has to judge His people as a whole
yes, He will send others to come and tend to the meek
but His favour
and unity
cannot dwell on such a people

so everyone,
especially the meek ones
lose the benefits of Gods favour
and unity

i never was one for authority
maybe it was a thing for juvenile rebellion
but if any good came out of it
its that in a time such as this
i dont struggle or hurt much when the powers that be make a joke of themselves

and maybe i have changed,
for such a time as this

well the foolish shepard in the end loses his right arm leg etc
the very offices of his service and more, but thats not the point

we
we who know, who think who percieve, (all that which being sentient gives us the privelige of)
it becomes our responsibility,
to pasture the flock
to protect especially the meek
even when the world comes crashing down
and lady babylon comes with her debauchery to the land
we have a call to fulfill
right where we are

im not paid to be politically correct
so here

lol

not all of it is funny

but yeah

read in zechariah a whole excerpt where God chided a bunch of israelites when they asked if they should fast

seems really strange at first
God scolding people for fasting

but i guess as i thought about it
and reread the verses leading on
i guess the issue is not so much the fasting as is the intention behind it

problem is so often we engage ourselves in so many religous activities for our own sake
so that we may feel better about ourselves, so that we may become more justified
we pray and do our quiet time so to meet that quota
so when others ask after us we can show them how fine and dandy we are

in zechariah, the passage goes on to ask the israelites to administer justice to show mercy and compassion
all the things our pretence so often does not extend to
sure we love our friends but its hard to love the unlovable
we administer justice and are plentiful merciful to ourselves and our kindred
not bad but consider that even mafiastos know how to take care of their own

we forgo building relationships with the outcasts, the queer, the difficult
the alcohlics, the bengs, the crude
in the name of keeping our minds and lifestyles pure
we choose to isolate ourselves from those more "secular"

we forget that Jesus dined often in the presence of tax collectors and prostitutes
that He chose to focus His ministry instead on temple sacrifices and service
would throw Himself in "unclean" situations so that He could administer justice, mercy and compassion

may we never make an idol out of church and church activity
and forget that loving comes before service