its peculiar how at one moment one's inner conflicts seem metaphysical and at another infinitesimal

maybe the quality of life is dictated by endorphins
and reality as we perceive it are just the outer mechanics of meaningless abstractions

mmmm
i think its all the sugar
made some chocolate pistachio fudge in the afternoon,
dangerously addictive

but really i think the high I'm on now is probably from reading Surprised by Joy by my favourite author
it's not that he is uber interesting, and most of the time his discussions are quite beyond my intellectual capacity
it could be the intellectual stimulus but i think its more that that
its even beyond the aesthetics, though i think he makes other authors like *cough* Lucardo seem prosaic

to be honest, and i know it'll probably sound dumb
sometimes i try to find my mantra to life in the literature i read
i bought JM Coetzee's Youth hoping to find some inspiration from the character, a mathematician aspiring for the bohemian life
not that i fancy myself such
and it didnt work out
cause the book had a fatalistic ending

maybe that's why i finally decided to read this book
because feeling aimless and drifting
i turned to this book hoping to find a rudder
mmm
i wont say i did
but i think it put certain things in their places
and all the aesthetic and intellectual pleasure it brought cant really be bad either

suprised by joy

although i told someone i would be starting on "A clockwork orange" (not that it matters)

ive decided to finally start on "suprised by joy" by CS Lewis instead

mmm

my copy happens to be one of my greatest earthly treasures

a hard cover book with gold leave sides bought second hand from my ex-senior pastor for 15 bucks

an excerpt from the first chapter

it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is here a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and from Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want.

i love his work

but im not intelligent enough to consider myself as an admirer

crazy fan boy is a far apter description

And I'll hang on to you
Cause you're stronger
And you keep me from falling
And you brighten the world
With your beauty
Keep me closer
I'm calling

Lookin' out like a little child
Holding tight when it all gets wild

And I'll hang on to you
Nothing in this world will see me through, only you
And I'll hang on to you
Everyday I live I give to you

And your love it is true
I feel stronger
And I'm happy to know you
Cause you shine like the sun
And you're brighter
Than the darkness
That's falling

Nothing in this world
Could ever take your place
Happiness is found
In your holy face
In your warm embrace



ive decided to find my way back,

not some big life changing decision, at least for now i'll have no idea,

not that i know how, or the when and the where

but i think the biggest change is that at least now i dont want to fall away anymore



its funny how i was expecting this change of mindset to follow some big event

some great spiritual encounter, a burning bush or the back of God on the mountaintop but it wasnt , there's plenty of pathos; how the biggest choice is the one made in ambiguity and out of no compulsion, i wanted to call it a paradigm shift, but what happened doesnt have the dramatic flair that those words suggests....



maybe thats why it was so long coming

because i wanted the fire and the wind and the earthquake, the booming voice and the bright light

and i didnt even get a small voice



im not even sure how it happened

i just suddenly had the desire and the will to want back



so thank you God, for being the supplier of the will and the desire, an any appetite at all for You

and thank you whoever's kept me in prayer

if there are any people at all



and im blogging about all this, although it's more fitting for a journal entry

because i never successfully kept a journal

and i want to record it somewhere that wont end up under a pile of stuff

to remind myself of my decision

making an altar of remembrance seems like a better idea but i dont think i want to erect one anywhere

recently in australia, i chanced upon my uncle's great 10 year plan

it wasnt some big scale project to end homelessness, pretty mechanical, material and grounded objectives

but theyr'e reasonable ambitions and im not in any place to judge, cause when i ask myself what i want to be at 31, i draw a blank

i mean sure, id like to be employed, prefably at something i enjoy and i hope to be living at some level of comfort, big house with a white picket fence and all that but other than that, i'm drawing a blank slate in my mind and its not a comfortable notion. people without vision do perish.

of course ive had aspirations or at least daydreamed of the future, but its nothing i'll admit to wanting now, not that there arent desirable prospects, but nothing id dare or want to commit to

fear and lazyness will probably be my undoing

i used to be idealistic once, i think, now i seem aimless, a floating spectre waiting for something or someone to come along and point me in some direction

sure there's all that good sensible and holy christian mantra about living for God and doing His will, but while its warm and fuzzy, but nothing more defined

i recently finished reading midnights children, an excellent but long book,

one thing that piqued my interest was the idea that the high point of one's destiny could be in one's destruction

and while that idea seems more fatalistic than biblical, i can think of examples like samson, pharoh and judas, the latter two being slightly more relavant, as according to scripture, God hardened pharoh's heart and as for judas, Jesus foretold his betrayal, showing that for some, God's plan isnt prosperity and abundance, but personal doom, albeit for God's glory

why do i mention this? i mention it because i think it's humbling, and necessary

because one must always contemplate that while yes, God did promise that He has good things in store for us

they may not be sunny and brilliant and alluring to the palate

histories greatest moment was brutal, we killed God

mmm
after having floated around so long
i think its true that my spiritual life has taken a hit
and while i think its sound advice to tell people to try and settle down soon
i think its advice that also doesnt address the deeper issues
such as wariness, picky-ness and the more metaphysical issues

do i want to settle down
yes
and no

sure, i want to have a place i can call a home church again,
a service i'll be at
a group i'll label church friends
familiarity with people and stuff
a vision and mission i'll be sold out for and all that

but i think as one matures, u'll realise that all these have their costs, and are not as simple and clear cut
vision and mission are critical, but i need to be in a place where i can live with what the church believes and aims for
people are great
but inherently problematic
and i think the only thing that will make me stick around, and tolerate all the rough sides
is the knowledge that God wants me there

glen has told me several times that often times, the reasons behind church are very pragmatic
and im realising thats true
but im also a sucker for the metaphysical purpose
and that fluff and chaff about calling
and being placed
so how does deciding on pragmatic stand points agree with this

i think im aslo slipping away
i think part of it has to do with disappointment with God
part of it is because going to church, and quiet time dont seem so lucrative
and without a slave driver enforcing these things
mmm

i still know that God loves but im not sure if i believe it
im not so sure if i love God
never did enough
now im not even sure if can even be considered love, or whether it was some good feeling i got out of emotional highs, and good atmosphere

the problem is
its harder to return
ive been schooled too long in the christian way of speech and know the christian way of thought
i can even make myself sound theologically sound and mature if i want to

i know what it'll cost to say i want back
which makes it so much harder

reminds me of the movie taken
when liam neeson's character was asked
why are u so paranoid
to which he answered
im not paranoid, im aware

i know all i need is to want to want to get back
but im not sure if i can even get to that stage

it really makes intriguing footage
documenting my own slide from grace

this is long overdue

its an ode to a great friend

a wonderful leader

a beautiful person

and the man whose fan club i am the president of

timothy wan

happy belated bdae dude

the view is much different, staring down from the edge and looking up from the bottom of a pit

seems from down here, all my good advice, and previous good intentions all come to naught
all my experience and wit seem to only help me run away

sun tzu knew well, retreating was always the smarter choice

i feel like im becoming more and more and empty shell
like ive been deflated
no more metaphysical purpose for existance

the doughnut man was right
life without jesus is like a donut
cause there's a hole in the middle of your heart

but i burnt the bridge behind me
and i dont know a way back
feel too much that its all a farce
even though i know better

i seem to have run out of will to find a way back
fallen into this bog of black bile and phlegm of my own making

someone wake me from this dark night of the soul