mugging hard now
prelims in 3 days...
so what am i doing online blogging?

well everyone needs a break
and i think i need to let off some steam

my people problems and lack of patience seem to pop up during examination times

well
maybe i do enjoy the sedentary lifestyle of just having to study and being free of many other obligations and regulations

but having to stare at books just isnt my thing
and i think i'll never be a teacher
because it just needs so much patience...
i mean,
i do enjoy helping people
especially when they are appreciative and co-operative
and well are quite pleasant i guess
i just cant stand some people's attitude......


enough of that i guess
i have been feeling a great amount of uncomfortability and distress recently
wont dwell on it too much here because, yeah
gotta hit the books

its just that
something doesnt feel right anymore
hai

so much fear
dont dare to take the next step
dun dare to hope, to dream, to try...
to give you up, i hesitate
but i never deserved you in the first place
just learning to let go i guess...
to resign myself to hear you breathing while i sit outside heavens doors.....

Breathing
by Lifehouse
album: No Name Face (2000)

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to
Sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be, yeah...
Where I wanna be...

I am looking past the shadows
In my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one is you
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel alive
And break these calluses off of me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be, yeah...

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me, waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off of your table to the ground
La Da Da La Da Da Da Da Da
'Cause I just want to be here now

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're sayin'
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight, that's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah...(x2)

Where I wanna be...
Where I wanna be...

simon - lifehouse

Catch your breath hit the wall
Scream out loud as you start to crawl
Back in your cage the only place
Where they will leave you alone

Cause the weak will seek the weaker
Til they've broken them
Could you get it back again
Would it be the same

Fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense
Left you with no defense
They tore it down

And I have felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same

Locked inside the only place
Where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
You lost yourself in your search
To find something else to hide behind

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them til they've become just another crown

And I have felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same

Refuse to feel, anything at all
Refuse to slip, refuse to fall
Can't be weak, can't stand still
You watch your back cause no one will

You don't know why they had to go this far
Traded your worth for these scars for your only company
Don't believe the lies that they have told to you
Not one word was true

You're alright
You're alright
You're alright

And I have felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same

let me come up with an explanation as to why this blog has seemingly abandoned
hmm
well
lets see
the times i feel like blogging are rare
and so are the times i have stuff to blog about
and that is compounded by the time i have to blog(since prelims are coming)
therefore, as all good math students will realise,
a small number cubed results in no significant value
lol

haha
maybe been mugging abit too hard

nah
cant be

anyways
recently i have to admit ive been rather moody
im one of the few guys i noe who has mood swings
will be high in the afternoon
and super irritable in the evening

been contemplating over an important issue
for those who dun noe
ive stepped down from active ministry
and have been considering a change in church

hai

its not so simple
but i guess things never are
and yet
i guess much of the complexity comes from us

well
im not blogging abt church or the prospective churches im considerign
its actually a bad time for this i guess with exams so near
i probably dun have time to look around

you dun know the way i feel
you dun see the tears i shed,
or how i harden myself everytime i shatter
the fear that plagues my dreams
and the thoughts i struggle with
you accept what you see,
and while i wish you looked deeper,
i guess the first glimpse does hold some truth
hope
its essential for survival
but i dare not hold any

pulling together my shattered pieces
i fear you
for u make me crumble
and wish for tt which i darenst not hold onto

to breathe you in and let go
maybe i should

if i was stronger
if i was braver
if were able to be worthy
maybe
just maybe
but well

im just too scared
and too inapt

God of the small things

CMW this year was done on alot smaller scale
hmm
well
i mean at least the j1s didnt have to run around and get burnt out just as they step up

haha

but really
i thank God for the work He does,
and yeah sometimes we need to do less and let Him do more

as much as we should try and own the events and make the tbest that we can manage,
at least from our standing
sometimes
well less is more
after a fashion
especially when our meddling gets us no where


i was really encouraged by the willingness of the J1s, to take the menial tasks,
to stay back late just to finish door gifts...
as much as it seems like trivial tasks

sometimes i think those are the activities we look back most fondly at
the late nights spent painting,
the late practices
the cutting pasting painting and glueing
Samuel Sim once told me once while we laboured to paint photo framse
that the times he was fond of was the times spent labouring together
and i guess there is a truth in the statement,
that the best bond is sometimes forged through the mundane...

i would really like to commend the j1s for their excellent spirit and willingness
haha
repeating myself
well
reminds me of a time a year ago
CMW rehersals
and all the log ppl who were supposed to turn up bailed on me
i still thank God and really my heart still goes out to the j2s who sacrificed their study time to help me move potted plants and clear the stage and set stuff up

they really taught me what being a senior means
and well
even though im the unsentimental and unfeeling one,
i guess i have to try my best to emulate their example...

and so i guess its true, that contentment is found in the now, in living life,
not vicariously
but fully
doing what we can, the mundane the menial

ambition is important
yes
but i guess
ive never really aimed that high

i guess sometimes we must try to excel in the little things first....

may we all learn to live and look back
and be in astounded by the fact that as much as we havent done,
we have no regrets

nienor

Grace moves me, deeply
unsettling my deepest recesses,
to have favour smile on me,
oh the world i would not give

to pine for your touch,
your tender embrace
sweet serenity,
i shall never know

straining each day
to hear your voice
inaudible whispers,
oh the root of samuel
inspire me to soar

yet you hurt me so
fanning into flames
a desire for the inconcievable, the unattainable.

for mortals to gaze upon the hills of valinor,
to hold the silmarils albeit for a moment,
only doom awaits
and we are left lost along the shores
left to wander in regret

luthien luthien
ill-fate indeed
for evein if we meet in the halls of mandos,
im not brave,
just a man by doom mastered.

hope cuts me deep,
making me ill-content and wanting
dare i trust in the wind
or will grace leave me chaff...

i call out your name
for it remains constant
in my topsy turvy world