lols.... emo song for emo days

well i caught the first 2 episodes of the latest season of House
i must say, i didnt really like the first episode much
mmm
not that it was bad

but i guess i felt out of mode
seeing that sacarstic, cooky anti-hero,
who i must admit to semi-idolizing; thrown into a mental institution

well why do i like the character so much?
maybe i resonate with the sacarsm and the meaness

but teh second episode kinda grew on me
it reminded me that no matter, how strong, or apathetic we think we are
we all have needs
we all can get hurt
and we all have psychological defects one way or the other

and while its hard
its worthwhile trying to still be humane

and i guess im giving up without trying?
i guess for me this will always been one of those
what could have been crossroads
but things as they are arent too bad
and i dont think i want to try fixing what isnt broke,
everything except my heart i guess

i still think im too nice

well i havent exactly seen the ocean?
lols

but ive decided
that i'll live through this
and hopefully become, bigger, stronger, wiser, and more beautiful

mmm
well maybe not bigger... cos im big enough
but yeah

I think ive gotten too used to cruising through life, so much so that ive forgotten how to pedal the gas, and pursue the things I really want
I keep telling myself to wait, for a better time, that next week, month or sem will be the opportune time, but ive missed too many, waited for spring to find the trees falling off the leaves again...
to come back for my bounty, only to find it claimed by another...

Letting every chance to live pass me by
I keep telling myself I don’t really know what I want, but even when I do, I think Im too used to acting like I don’t
I think im too scared, too caught up in wanting to be nice…
what am i actually afraid of?
their glances their glares
making a fool of myself?
of losing things, ive nvr really owned?
what is this reaching out yet recoiling in trepidation...
to fear the familiar and the unknown
why am i still here...
a place strange yet too much familiar

we never really do change do we
we grow up
grow stronger
grow older
grow wiser
but still the same demons and skeletons
still a small insignificant blip on the radar
the trivia on the bottle cap

But nobody remembers the nice amiable, amicable guys; the footnotes
I want to be missed, I want to be remembered… maybe im being narcisstic here, but at least im being honest.

one in the head and the heart

well what to do
bite the bullet
move on
live on

well
i'm still here

it was such a blast
ok maybe im being biased because there was carlsberg on draft, free food, and i got to be part of a band for one night
but yes
the whole cny annual dinner was really a blast

and im so proud of all my band mates
penguin, ashley, joe and especially li hui

mmm
there was abit of nerves
but once we started, i think we did pretty darn good

i just hope the photos dun come back to haunt me

i think one thing guys are very susceptible to is needing an activity or a pursuit to embolden our sense of identity

i think ever so often
we find ourselves labelling ourselves along the lines
im a basketball kinda guy
or a debate kinda guy
or in my case... a slack... oh wells, thats not really a thing
but tts my point

mayhaps because of how much we dont have a clear idea of self
we latch on to these things or ideals
these things bigger than ourselves, like parasites
hoping we'd count for more
just because we're into running every other night
or we can do calculus better than mere mortals

mm in case u get the impression i run every other night i dont
but thats not the point either

just happened to see this video of this 8 yr old kid doing calculus
so i guess ive lost my edge as well

i think we're so much more than the things we're into or good at?
each of us is capable of so much kindness and resolve

i think it's really sad if any of us belittle ourselves just because we cant run a mile without dying
or cant dance, or cant grasp 4 dimensional hyperspaces in our heads for that matter

the unassuming ones always seem to ask the most poignant questions

we all want to be needed, and need to feel wanted....
but i lack the intestinal fortitude to admit that i need you........

I guess God was right when he figured it was not good for man to be alone

and yeah
i guess we are friends, although i hate the semi-church tag...
kinda sensitive to it... its complicated i guess

i apologize in advance for being a lousy friend... i'll try my best...

i need you
i guess

im missng you already