hai, well ive graduated
and ive gotten my enlistment letter,
for those who want to noe the date
ask me personally for it

gah
strange really
the numbness that sets in even on the brink of such a huge change
my dad is like going bonkers over it asking me if im prepared

i honestly dun noe
dun really care either
dun really have anything to look forward to i guess
kinda drifting
maybe i'll become a hobo in the future

hmm

well
three times and the rooster crows
three times and i turn my head to weep

You're the one who set it up
now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget
every little thing you said
but there is something left in my head

But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees
well im no hero thats true
but well
i guess im trying to learn that its alright to cry

We need never be ashamed of our tears.
-Great Expectations

it may not be my mantra but well
i guess the stuff inside has to come out one way or another
for us introverts, well
we may not pour it all out at the first tipping
but that doesnt mean its not in there
just because it isnt written on our faces and our sleeves,
doesnt make us less human
poker players maybe
but i guess with have to learn to deal with the grief, angst and wrath inside somehow
and i guess they say that laughter and tears are theraputic

but i guess there comes a time when the laughs seem empty
and we must learn to mourn
learn to grief
and be more 'human'

cry, for pains, hurts & shame
cry, for the cruel words, cruel glances, and silent whispers
cry, release those unmet expectations, broken dreams
cry, let loose the inner conflicts and struggles,
cry, for all the wishing thinking, what ifs and could have beens
cry, grief for the state of our depravity
cry, but move on after the tears have dried
cry, mourn awhile for me

well looks like as the government would have it
i wont be around here for long
think of me
think of me kindly
when we say goodbye

im feeling kinda moody again
gosh
my moods been going down the drain recently
i have no idea why
either that or i have some idea but i dun feel like telling

hmm
im glad that u all seem happy
i guess that should make me happy...
of cos numbness is just as well
hmm
i dunno
i really dont

hai
im reminded of a poem
so fair
so sweet
hm
if only reality could be added to
akin james gillmans
that the first vampire
would come and entwine our fates
then i could come to the rescue
but i guess
reality isnt like that

i dun noe wad to say and do
numb the distress?
find an alternative
i have no idea

in other less depressing matters
well
schs out
i guess
i guess i have to thank GOd that i really found and made good friends
strangely moreso as sch came to an end
ppl like jeremy, eeli, hmm yao yong and joelynn
hmm
part of me wishes i got to know u long before
but i guess im already blessed
and who noes
maybe things are best the way they are
i wouldnt noe and i daresnt postulate...


ive decided to change my tagboard
hopefully to one that doesnt screw up so often
hmm
matches the background at least
ahahha

as i said before
i like black because its slimming
hahaha

its hurts
to get rejected
i nvr knew the unkindest cut could ever be so sweet and unassuming
but as caesar mouthed: et tu brute
i opened up dropped my guard
and got hurt
where i go from here i dun noe
maybe this is all in my mind
but im good at getting messages
i guess its all wishful thinking
that bright eyed aversion hurt bad
i told myself years ago it wasnt to be
i guess i was right then
i just wish
i dunno
i just wish we all could win
but i guess somethings arent to be

All they who live in the upper sky, Do love you

Her face resigned to bliss or bale--
Her face, oh call it fair not pale,
And both blue eyes more bright than clear.
Each about to have a tear.

With open eyes (ah, woe is me !)
Asleep, and dreaming fearfully,
Fearfully dreaming, yet, I wis,
Dreaming that alone, which is-
-O sorrow and shame !

i will not make the same mistake as Sir Leoline

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. -Marianne Williamson

i recent added this quote to the bottom of my blog...

strange really
it isnt a fear i identify with well
but i guess it holds a kind of truth
that we fear the light more than darkness

while, we detest darkness
we embrace it
for we know its limits... we are familiar to it(sadly)
its an old friend whom we hold in contempt but refuse to let go

meanwhile,
we claim to love the light
but we are afraid to step out into it
for fear of what it may reveal to us about ourselves and the world around us
that when we finally see...

we fear it for its potential
for wad it may become
and wad it may demand of us
for that which we long to lose, yet hate to let go
for wad it may make us

now i guess, i kinda understand this fear
the fear of joy, that we may actually become something more than pathetic
something stronger than weak
something more joyful than miserable...
that somewhere in someones eyes,
we may actually have worth....

nothing is more painful i guess
than watching ourselves struggle against joy...

its no wonder the book this quote is taken from is named return to love

dare we?

modified my template a little ytd, added a clock amongst other things
ive changed the links too

hmm, well, if i missed out anybody,
too bad
boo hoo
well ur not exactly paying me for advertisiing
so
hmm
unless i get some money wired into my bank account
dun even think of raising the issue with me

as you can figure,
im not exactly in the best of moods now

anyways,
found out how to make good guacamole sauce
lol

dunno
maybe just feeling withdrawal symptoms at the thought that school is gonna be out real soon
too soon.....

spent the day with jeremy at momos house
lol
i love it that someone else has the same name...
makes for a great time confusing others

anyways
well
im beginning to realise that ive made some really good, strong, steadfast friends in jc
and well
gotten to really noe some old friends better

i guess being vulnerable to others isnt such a bane
i guess with the defenses down, i begin to appreciate and enjoy the people around me
if only it was that easy in every social circle...

maybe u misunderstood me
never mind, it doesnt matter now
its cool, the way things are...
i dun intend to make more of it...
i thank you for being patient and more than kind with me
it has been wonderful
you're really great, i wish u all the joy and happiness that God can give...
thanks, i dun want to things to turn sour, nor do i want to destroy a good thing
please understand my aversion and hesitation...
im just i guess, not a better man

in other news, im joining back sound crew part time
now that ive found my feet and faith again...
well
i guess serve, even if its in a limited capacity
after all, ive been so blessed

ive changed the music on my blog again
its now Oh My God by Jars of clay
and no, im not swearing

hmm
well
lets see,
maybe i should do a simple cd review

well people, Jars has come up with a new album
Good Monsters

weird name, weird sounds

well for those of you living under a rock
jars of clay has been one of the most influential band in the christian music scene

ever since their debut album, they have had their fair share of fans and casual observers
many regard the 1995 self-titled album their best
but that view made without intimate knowledge
the truth is that their style has evolved much,
their lyrical poetry matured much
my personal favourite albums are
jars of clay
much afraid
who we are instead

hmm
when i first bought Good monsters
i had much expectations
being an avid jars fan

on my first perusal
i must admit my intial disappointment
the hooks and riffs werent bad but they didnt seem brilliant
and the lyrics didnt give an initial impression

i complained to a good friend of mine, also a jars fan
and he smartly retorted,
well its jars
it takes time to grow on you

and grow on me it did....
simple words, but carefully chosen
written not our of imagination or ambition, but out of experience
hooks laden, but not colourful enough to steal the limelight from the message

a subtle album,
and as usual, all complex beauty lies in subtility....

anyways, we're all good monsters,
by nature bad but endeavouring anyways

and for me, maybe still more monster than good....
but yeah, the best marriages are the enduring ones, in my opinion,
and jars will always be to me, the best marriage of beautiful words to beautiful music

moonshine

cant find the words to say,
scared as shit
never knew i could feel this way

wish i was braver,
wish i had more to give you

but i wont pretend to be what im not

wish i was able to say i love you
but im not that sure

hell, im not that sure of anything anymore
im just scared,
that i may jade and tarnish
that light which you bring to my life

just keep shining for me
even if my own light goes out

You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine
you make me happy
when skies are grey
you'll never know dear
how much I love you
please don't take my sunshine away