for the first time in a long time
i feel like crying

the unkindest cut of all-comes from somewhere close to the heart
seeing you all cozy....
i guess delusions just feel like shit
u could have at least put it into words
maybe........
ive hated sappy love songs,
now i really detest them............

hurts deep

also realised i cant have breakfast with my sis until the last day
gosh things r just looking suckier by the moment
treasure the people around you
treasure the little time you have
i guess ive learnt that a little too late

such blatant foolishness
i care
i might not show it but i do
and emphathy feels like shit right about now

i wish alot of things
wish i had the guts to say out alot of things
wish i was brave enough to let people know what i really think and feel
but its a little too late now

can only hope that things dont change too much
and the few things i still hold on to wont be pried beyond my reach

gosh its over
2 years and now my boyhoods coming to an end
no more acedmia for now
in 2 weeks time
i'll be losing my hair, my pink ic
and much more

freedom
epictetus claimed that only the educated are free
ironic isnt it....
i prefer wad lenin said
"While the State exists, there can be no freedom. When there is freedom there will be no State"
seems more realistic

i guess when things draw to an end, a recollection and reflection
often cause one to be washed over in regret
or at least it is with me

i guess i could have done alot different
said more, talked less
hmm
slept less in class too
i guess one thing i regret would be how frivolously i handled people relationships
well so much for the could have beens
i could have been more of a friend

but i guess like the haunting spectre it is,
its all just possibilities, intangables....
time cant go back
and i guess ive lost the oppurtunities i had
and so i deal with it and try to move on

move on to what
i guess inevitably has run its course
and now i find myself without the virtue of choice...

and for someone who thinks he's smart
i find myself foolish and shortchanged,
on the brink of inevitablity
unprepared and inapt

well, in order to break the archetype that this is a sad blog,
i have decided to accede to a request to do some lame tag thing
well here goes i guess


Layer ONE : On the Outside
Name : Jeremy Quek
Birth Date : 01 June 1988
Current Status : eh passive? single? pes BP? dun noe wad they asking for
Eye color : brown(i'm colour blind so i might be wrong)
Hair Color: black
Righty or Lefty : righty
Zodiac Sign : gemini....... not dragon lah, its not the cheena one
(interesting really, cos gemini is the sign of the twin-double mindedness)

Layer TWO : On the inside
Your Heritage: chinese(dont see how that happened)
Your Fears : change, vulnerability
Your Weaknesses : lack of motivation, pessimistic, fearful, uncommitted
Your Perfect Pizza : portabello mushrooms, mozerella cheese,cheddar cheese, proscuito ham, and smoked chicken on a thin crispy oven baked crust... no tomato base..., a sweet basil and honey mustard sause as a base instead...


Layer THREE : Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up : need more sleep
Your Bedtime : flexible.. 10plus to 2
Your most missed memory : dun really have any, not a nostalgic person, but if any, it was the super soaker wars


Layer FOUR : Your Pick- i think this part is seriously limited
Pepsi or Coke : coke
McDonald's or Burger King : carls jr. lol
Adidas or Nike: adidas- nike dun make all blacks jerseys
Lipton tea or Nestea: coffee
Chocolate or vanilla: strawberry
Cappuccino or coffee: quad expresso americano


Layer FIVE : Do you
Smoke : during exams?
Curse : eh i noe some wiccan incantations.....
lol hmm sometimes i guess, though barely in front of others


Layer SIX : In the Past Month
Drank alcohol: yeah whooh
Gone to the mall: yes
Been on stage: nope
Eaten sushi: too much sushi buffets
Dyed your hair: wanted to dye blue but i guess no time


Layer SEVEN: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: no
Changed who you were to fit in: when i was younger more rash and more stupid(yes there was a time)


Layer EIGHT
Age you're hoping to be married : dun even noe if i want to get married in the first place..... hahah the call of paul lol


Layer NINE: In a Girl/Guy.
Best eye colour: hazel(only seen it in book covers and on tv)
Best hair colour: red
Short or long hair: red looks better long


Layer TEN: What Were You Doing.
1 minute ago : pokemon sapphire lol
1 hour ago : this thing gosh its long
4.5 hours ago : eating
1 month ago : eating... haha no lah hmm, mugging?
1 year ago : playing too much com, shopping for christmas, preparing for xmas event in church


Layer ELEVEN : Finish The Sentence
I love: God, food, lol, dark comics
I feel: numb, foreboding, sian.... wad to do 2 weeks left
I hate: exams, the SAF, most institutions, many people
I hide: almost everything... feelings, propensities.....etc
I miss: better times
I need: a quad expresso

Layer TWELVE : Tag 5 people
im not that evil

i havent blogged in a long time
well they say absence makes the heart grow fonder....
ahaha
so there's my excuse
not that it would make anyone fond of what i have to say but well
everything needs a reason/excuse
so....

maybe having my enlistment looming has made me somewhat of a fatalist
havent blogged because well
i havent done alot of things i should be doing because i do not see the point
i dun noe
nothing seems to really be worth it right now

hai

well, i dont noe about abscence but ive realised that familiarity really does breed contempt
a closer look lets you see all thats ugly
you say one thing, but everyone knows otherwise
your masked smile and painted face has lost its appeal,
the worlds unfair, get used to it
grow up stop asking why and get on
sympathy is old, pity is cruel, your act is tiresome


so why dont i smile?
no it isnt a game,
besides i dun have a honey to smile for

haha
but really
fatalism
why smile, when it doesnt make things better?
sure there's all that crap about peace, hope, love and a positive outlook
if you ask me
its overated
id rather frown when im hurting inside
i dun need to pretend in order make myself feel secure
im ok being the loser, being the loner
being God-knows-whatelse
i smile when im happy
and im not happy alot
its just me and my moods
like a man once said, 'whoever said its easier to smile hasnt met me'
'its just my face muscles, i find it easier to frown'

so there
give me something i find worth smiling for
and i'll smile for you
maybe for some, i'll smile anyways....
but thats another story


u toss your hair, and bat your eyelids,
you glaze your voice and pretend to care,
but ive grown weary of your game
lady babylon will draw you in then eat your heart....

yeah, im selfish, im pig headed
so

maybe i just want to disconnect myself from everything
so it wont hurt so much when its taken from me
like they say, nothing torments like hope
i dun want to have things to cry about on that day
because im scared of crying

yeah

when am i going to stop running?

i shall sacrifice some of my tme to blog
how benevolent of me
heehee
a sign of old age i bet
as a friend of mine claims
well
here's to old age

hmm
recently ive discovered the joy of going to kbox
or in more proper english, going to sing karaoke

never thought much of it till my first time i guess
maybe had something to do with the fact that its mostly a chinese activity

but i guess the idea of pouring out your sorrows over someone elses song works
someone asked me: "why do you sing if you're not heartbroken?"
well
i dun really know how to answer that question

anyways i guess i blog also to respond to some of the people around me
to the girl at the lake:
looks like A and D are getting along huh
animals dun all get along thats why they compartmentalize them in the zoo
they dun choose one over the other,
they just know that each animal has its place

to lady babylon
i guess i was asking for it
you're probably tired of how things went down
probably seen it too much,
well
i just hope that its not too distasteful for you
youve been a milestone in my life
dun let anyone steal your joy

to the girl on a hill
im sorry the way things went down
i had no idea what he was doing
and now that i do, im really sorry i didnt do anything
and that i was so ignorant
i cant apologize on his behalf but well
it is true that history has a hold on us
some more strongly than others
have confidence in yourself
i guess its a pity how fast new and fresh things get soured
and i understand your new found aversion
hmm
just dun let it affect you too much, especially in this crucial time

to the favoured one
thank you for all your notes
you are probably the only one to lavish such a courtesy upon me
and im honoured
well
what could i possibly say to you
you're special to everyone
and i guess grace is recieving what we could not hope to recieve
and in this case, your friendship

to the sage
well its been fun talking you
and i guess
well
as u so kindly put it
"im your first boy"
haha
sounds wrong lifting it out of context
but yeah
uve been patient
or at least as patient as you can be
hehe
so ave atque vale

to my doppelganger
i know how the past has hurt
and yeah
people have hurt
but learn to have tact
all is not lost
not yet anyways
so please try

to little lotte
i got your letter,
and i guess it touched me deep
i dun noe how to respond
but i guess i can say im glad for your care
and im glad you understand abit
i just cant bear to hurt you
dun become a nienor

the bubbles gotta burst
sooner or later somethings gotta give

feelin kinda moody and depressed
gosh
somethings wrong with me recently
cant stand looking at books
even though i guess i ought to start real soon
hmm
how does the gov expect us to do our best if they gonna give us nothing to look forward to?

anyways

hmm
been slacking off real badly
installed some old games
the kind where u conquer the world and wipe the floor with the com AI
haha
theraputic
hmm
only thing stopping me from lashing out at everything stupid going on around me
gosh

i need to go out for a drink soon
going bonkers

do you even know,
do you even percieve the nightmares
do you see the wide eyed fears?

teach me to love and not count the cost