im just beginning to see

all the brokeness inside

in me

in those around me



why are we so afraid of letting others see how weak we really are

how frail

why must we put up this mirage that we can take it

that we can hold it together

when we're really struggling to breathe

struggling to keep afloat



we're crying out for help on the inside

but we're too proud to show



all the pain, disappointment, hurts

broken dreams, broken hopes, broken lives......



we yearn and pine for someone to hold our hands through it all

to give us that little bit to make it better

to tide us over



but no one ever seems to hit the spot



we cut ourselves, our hands/our hearts

to numb one pain

we run and run

seeking solace and forgetfulness

our tears fall, we harden our caloused hearts

but we fall too many times

and end up broken

inevitable

maybe



thank God i found Him

or rather

He found me



the one who will hold our hands

carry us on His back

collect our tears

and mend our hearts

the one who makes it alright

who holds together our reality

even as it seems to split at its seams



teach me Lord
to be merciful
to love those who need Your love
to look past the cold exterior and see the needs
to learn to love as You love
purify my heart
make me as clean as snow again

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love

You come to me with your scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry,
I'm fine
But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you
They don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everwhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your handI will help you hold on
Tonight, tonight

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everwhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend aloneI
'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night away from me
Away from me

when i first got my posting
i was dumbfounded
i had been praying and asking God give me a good posting
but when i heard i got 41 SAR
well
my heart dropped

sad, down
disappointed with God
i felt betrayed by the one i knew most faithful

with all the voices aoround me telling me i shd be demoralized,
what was i to do

i had to go back to camp on sat
just to immunise some new recruits

dragged my feet to church afterwards

as in the previous few weeks
found most of it disinteresting at first

its hard really
when ur in a ministry when almost everyone is in a different time zone

its like everyone is either ahead
or behind

having walked the path
or not even on the road yet

on one hand, i yearn to have people to struggle alongside me
on the other, i guess
i guess i dont like to be vulnerable
i dont want people to pity me

when i feel let down by God
and stranded from His people

but He who is faithful even when we're faithless
i guess He always will be
Even when He was doing all those wonderful things for the people up front
He spared someone to come share with and comfort me
as i sat at the sidelines
someone to just sit there with me
as i broke down in tears
as i sobbed

i didnt plan on crying
but i guess God knew better
it feels so much better now thats its out
all those feelings of disappointment and betrayal
not that it makes easy to walk the road
but i guess
i guess i needed it

part of me wanted so much to find company in other sources
something else to numb the pain and tide me over these tough times
and to hold onto to
something like prozac
well not exactly
prozac doesnt exactly count as human company

hmm

i guess
hmm
maybe its not time yet
hmm
i have no idea

as He leads i suppose

i guess im learning how to be vulnerable
not to just hide in the dark
but to well
allow others to help tide me over
i guess i need to learn how to cry again

Falling inside the black-skillet

This song is self explanatory

Tonight I'm so alone
This sorrow takes ahold
Don't leave me here so cold
Never want to be so cold

Your touch used to be so kind
Your touch used to give me life
I've waited all this time, I've wasted so much time

Don't leave me alone
Cause I barely see at all
Don't leave me alone,

I'm falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back
Dreaming of the way it used to be
Can you hear me

falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back
Falling inside the black
Falling inside
falling inside
the black

You were my source of strength
I've traded everything
That I love for this one thing
Stranded in the offering
Don't leave me here like this
Can't hear me scream from the abyss
And now I wish for you my desire

Don't leave me alone cause I barely see at all

so all around falls to the ground
and im left stranded... struggling to breathe

too weak to kneel
too frail to let go

i find an old familiar shadow envelope me again

who's there to catch me
to keep me from the brink
i wish i could tell myself i could
but i've bluffed myself once too many

so i plunge
down down down
will there be any of me left after i hit the ground?

dig-an anatomy

I had a big idea
I had a crazy eye
I broke the sacred seal
I told a lazy lie

I've had my conscience bent
I've had my patience tried
I've been up in the desert and down by the river side

Will the eagle fly
If the sky's untrue
Do the faithful sigh
Because they are so few

Remember when I cried
Remember when you knew
Remember the look in your eyes
I know I do

And count the stars to measure time
The earth is hard, the treasure fine
To the sea, I crawl on my knees

Feel it coming in
Feel it going out
Water covers sin
Blood covers doubt
So I begin again
Again the kneeling bow
There was a time that I might have surrendered
But not now

Consult the cards to measure mine
The earth is hard, the treasure fine
To the sea I crawl on my knees

Consult the cards to measure my
The earth is hard, the treasure fine
At the sea I wait on my knees
At the sea I wait on my knees
At the sea I wait on my knees

i love this song...
maybe because it seems so real to me

this song talks about sin and falling away
and the dilemma we face in entering God's presence and doing God's work because of our very sin
it also talks about how this dilemma eats us up from the inside..
we who have tasted God's goodness and encountered Him...how we will never forget our encounter with Him... and yet..

it speaks so much about the struggle we face in returning to God after our sin
of how the vicious cycle continues
where we are forgiven
but return to our sin
and have to come crawling back to be forgiven again and again

of how we struggle so to humble ourselves before God

and yet
the beautiful thing is that it is a melachonic song of eventual victory
of how we who have tasted His goodness
will never let go
till we make it
at the sea, i wait on my knees

so often we tell ourselves we cant possibly lonely
we have friends around us
loved ones
bosom pals who have our backs and to whom our hearts we share

we say that we have friends and so we should be happy

but we find ourselves sad
and melachonic
lacking colour despite the vividness of our social lives

but we bluff ourselves
we cant be sad
we cant be lonely
we're much better than that
at least we should be

but a voice tells us we're not
that welling discontentment that springs up from and unknown depth in our hearts

sometimes i guess we forget
the difference between appearance and existance
we dont look lonely
but thats because we're good actors
we dont look sad
because we've trained our plaster smiles

whats so wrong with lonliness anyway?
isnt sadness just another emotion
short-lived though unpleasant
like its sunnier counterpart?

isnt all that we pursue
this happiness
this end of the rainbow crap
just a passing phase?

there is hole in the depths of our hearts
one that we try to ignore
or cover up by filling ourselves with friends and meaningful activities
but nothing fits

we forget about the fundamental view
nothing good abt fundamentalism
just that sometimes
looking at the question of purpose does get things into balance

we were created for Him, by Him, through Him
only something in His will, from Him can fill us
because we were made that way

may we not be doomed to chase pretty rainbows
all our lives
and at the end
to be found wanting
still as empty
but with no more time left to give
to hold onto everything but lose all?
or to give up everything
just to gain...
the one thing that truly comes free