ive been tussling with the question of identity for some time
well not really tussling
tussling would imply active resistance
well
maybe ive been giving it some feeble second glances

i think i can safetly say that one thing my generation lacks is a sense of identity
for one, we're part of a generation that hates labels,
well
at least i hate labels
i hate labels, stereotypes, archetypes and anything that follows.....
i feel that limiting oneself by saying that i am this or that....
seems to put a person on two dimensions
even the label christian, which is supposed to be a joy to bear, seems to have attached to itself all kinds of right wing fundamentalism that makes one cringe
honestly, i think we christians havent portrayed the best image of ourself and of the one we're supposed to stand for

yes yes, im starting the whole diatribe again
granted we are God ordained in this world
my point is that we arent doing our job very well

so moving beyond that, back to labels
the previous generation seemed all about labels,
you are what you wear
or what you do
or what you behave like
being the quintessential something
my generation inherited this trait in its own heterozygous form
we strive to be whatever the label is
but when its applied to us
we hate it

we realise for one that there should be so so much more outside of something we're called, or something we end up doing
we find ourselves trapped in a rut, knowing the trap ahead of us but unable to turn away

sometimes i wonder which is worse
becoming another faceless nameless title, an afterthought, a whisper in the wind
or the anticipation of it,
knowing that we'd probably amount to not much but not able to find anything else

in sophies world, which is a translation of a norweigean book by the way,
one point raised is that the trait of a good philosopher is the capacity for wonder
i think on that point alone i have no future in philosophy
maybe i did at one point
then i grew old
ok
maybe i just grew cynical

and it is true,
that despite all the pessimism that we can garner from the world around us
(ppl who insist that optimism is a natural state obviously dont know alot)
(disclaimer: optimism, well true optimism, in my opinion is a state which requires alot of work if one isnt ignorant of course and is only mastered by the best of us; if ur an ignoramus being an optimist is normal... i mean sure u shd be mourning the lack of depth of ur mind but u probably arent capable of that)
there is alot to be in awe and wonder about

an epiphany came as i was walking back to hall
what does God say about the labels
i mean sure, He labelled himself as certain things, if i may respectfully put it that way

seems strange
that in my "backsliden state" i can dare to talk about God

He calls himself love, and goodness and kindness and just and all that jazz
but when Moses asked who God was
i mean sure He called Himself the God if Abraham Issac and Jacob
but He also called Himself "I AM WHO I AM"

well that wasnt how my thought train flowed
i dun think im holy enough for that
but i think when we apply labels too easily
like
i am a student
or you are a cudgel wielding simian, the progeny of a toad
we tend to focus on the second part so much we forget about the first part
the miracle and burden of existance

the very fact that we are, as opposed to nothingness
i mean sure we can be all cynical about why we're alive

one of CS Lewis favourite books was Loki Bound a story in which the jotunn Loki was poised and a symphatising light... in this version, Loki opposed Odin not because he was malicious but because he opposed Odin creating men against their will

and while the irony of that idea is indeed appealing
it is also nonsense
there is no alternative to non-existance
there is no what would it be like
because that is nonsense,
if it wasnt
it wouldnt be like anything

of course there would arise the other impt philosophical concept, the question what makes up i
i think therefore i am? or that we are our emotions or our memories or the sum of both or that we are merely physical, carnal beings
i dont think i have an answer to that?
there isnt really an objective answer, each persons answer would be affected by his value system

but thats what makes up part of who we are
our diversity

we arent just our labels
we exist
and our whole is greater than the sum of our parts
usually the whole is greater than the sum of the parts
unless you're considering quantum mechanics
but as with anything, emergent properties exist only when u zoom in or zoom out

so who am i
i am not much
but also so many things
and more importantly than that
i am

so where do i go from there?

im blogging exactly because im currently slogging through a physics lab report that's eating up my insides
schools been ok? i would say fun, but it seems like a weird word to use since never before did i think mugging abit everyday, and keeping up with tutorials fun.
sure, i made some new friends and all, but nothing tight, at least not with anyone i didnt know before uni

someone said i shdnt stop blogging, that people read my blog because it's deep and thoughtful and stuff
well maybe that's because i usually dont dare blog when ive nothing to blog abt
as ppl who know me better understand,(yes thank you mr lian for knowing me too well so that you spill out stuff to ntu tabloids) i tend to be more reserved, keeping my thoughts to myself, that is if im thinking at all....
i feel as if ive just been going through the motions of late.

i mean sure, i think abt school work, and what to eat, and what to wear but its all mechanical, nothing deep or metaphysical, not that any of that seems to matter nowadays....

ive always liked indie movies that focus on the dialogue between a few people, you'd realise that very little of what is said is random, and even more meaningful than the lines are the words not said, the awkward silences and meaningful glances....

not that im anything like that, my dialogue tends to be trivial, and my silence even more absymal...

well, so according to mr lian, i look morose, am apathetic and nonchalent, am untidy, am reserved, am not good at teaching others, along with a host of other unbecoming tidbits that he so happily spilled out to a school paper.....
and i gave them his contact because i thought he would be politically correct while insightful
gosh
where to bury my head now.

you know if you were to ask me what i hate abt myself, id wouldnt be able to come up with alot...
i mean sure the list of my shortcomings is quite long
im not as handsome as timothy wan,
im not as bright as einstein,
i might appreciate the arts, but im far from the Renaissance standard of da vinci
im unfit, im introverted and reserved
im non-chalent and unsentimental
but none of those really irk, maybe
maybe because i dont care enough

but i think the one thing i really hate myself for is not having the courage to say what i mean and feel, while i mean and feel it, when it still matters

i probably posted these lyrics before but they're just too good

when you find your castle on the hill
with the bars on the windows
will you burn the bridge behind you
will you ever come out and see the sun again
or will you hide
and now how long has it been
since you've seen the light

make your way on the stairs
to the top of your tower
stone cold floors
hardwood doors
lead you to your room of plastic flowers
they still look the same
drenched in water
it comforts you to think that they're alive

it could have been easier than this
if you threw it all away
what would you miss
it could have been too much of a chance to take
the silence in your head would have to break
your grip is slipping faster
looks like you'll have to face yourself after all

step outside the shadows of your cage
strangled truth
stolen youth
is written on every line of every page
it's your story
do you want it back
you have to decide if it is worth it
swim across the swamp to the other side
run until you're out of breath
and when you look back they'll be nothing left
but a memory fading quickly

it could have been easier than this
if you threw it all away
what would you miss
it could have been too much of a chance to take
the silence in your head would have to break
your grip is slipping faster
looks like you'll have to face yourself after all

it could have been easier than this
if you threw it all away
what would you miss
it could have been too much of a chance to take
the silence in your head would have to break
your grip is slipping faster
looks like you'll have to face yourself
after all

i dont know why the previous post makes people think im mad at someone

of course its always possible that i am subconsciously, and im unaware of it because my eq is below average

oh wells



i know not many people read mine blog anyways, cos its kinda a retarded place, where i say stupid things on stupid subjects

but yeah

since someone requested it, i shall post on the 15 books thingum

although i think the answers are embarrassing and its against my better judgement

its probably opening a can of worms because the books you recall say alot about you

and im opening myself up to some form of psychoanalysis

well to all the budding shrinks out there



Don’t take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you’ve read that will always stick with you. They don’t have to be the greatest books you’ve ever read, just the ones that stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes.



1. Lord of the Rings- i shall consider it as one book, although its really three, cos i read a copy which had all three inside, and because its really split into 3 for marketing purposes. No one starts on "book one" without reading all 3 unless of course the person gives up, but that's the case for illiterate people. For those who havent read it, its really an epic, epic story. That being said, it isnt my favourite tolkien tale, mine being the children of hurin, but the main story is the must read.



2. The Great Divorce- one of his harder to grasp books, this book by CS Lewis is a metaphorical perspective of heaven and life. Some of the characterisations and visualisations were so vivid and real that i still remember them



3. The Problem of Pain- yes, another CS Lewis book.... im really proud of rankings 1-3. (after that it falls apart) i feel this book encompassed the more important arguments Lewis put forward



4. The Mathematics of Love- a book by Emma Darwin. i have no idea why i rmbr this one, maybe it has something to do with reading it during the more trying times i had during army, so it was a form of comfort... mmmm, this book i bought for its title. It's not bad in it that the author plays around with the concept of time, and also switches between prose styles. The themes are *gosh* about how love develops against the expectations of society.....mmm..... actually when i look back, the themes of love were actually quite controversial and taboo but oh wells.



5. Midnight's Children- this booker of booker's prize winner was epic, intense, graphically absorbing, but also one of the most laborious readings i have had to undertake- maybe thats why i remember it. what i dont recall at first, is how much i identified with one underlying theme, that we always assume that we're special, and destined for greatness, but maybe our destiny lies in our passing, in that we exist to be destroyed eventually



6. A grief observed- the most personal book in CS Lewis' apologetic canon, although this one isnt apologetic. it's Lewis writing at his most vulnerable, after the death of his wife. I love how it shows that this great man actually came close to doubting everything, but how he hung on to grow through the pain.



7. Blink- i rmbr this because of the circumstances i was in when i read it. i borrowed it without permission from someone's bag in australia while i was stuck there during an overseas military exercise. its interesting, but ultimately not very beneficial..... something about how our first impressions are actually very useful

8. Vampire Chronicles- by anne rice. This is good vampire fiction, not the chic lit that stephenie mayer churns out. i still go by my stand, that any guy who reads stephenie mayer shouldnt be called a guy

9. Oscar and Lucinda by peter carey, another booker winner, its a really screwed up story about love.... hahaha.... its really enthralling after the romance blooms but entirely ironic when it ends...... i loved it because its a love story that makes u scratch your head going w.t.h. instead of feeling all warm and fuzzy inside

10. Adventures of kavalier and clay by micheal chabon. a clever and witty book about escapism and confinements one thing i dont get is why of the 2 micheal chabon books, both have gay characters....

11. Fight Club- pulp fiction with anarchial themesd, whats there not to love

12. A scanner darkly- another screwed up books, this time on drugs, and how we're all manipulated by the system.

13. 1984- the book about big brother, what i rmbr abt it was the idea of double think, the ability to think 2 seperate opposing thoughts at the same time

14. Time traveller's wife- i can see why so many people loved this book, but i didnt really like it that much. a nice love story, and although the manipulation of time in fiction was creative, i still felt the whole timeless love thing was cliche

15. Animorphs #23- Gosh, i dont know why i still remember this book, its the first book i cried reading, and its not really touching, just a screwed up story about cosmic irony and unfairness

as you can see, i tend to remember books that have screwed up themes, or if they're really ironic
im not sure what it says about me, id rather not think about it, because i dont think id really like the answer

of course when i try to think about the books i should be recalling, books such as blue like jazz, and gilead and even the bible come to mind
the question thus must be asked, so why dont i recall them instead

why isnt the bible at the top of the lists, like it should be, if i was a good sterile fundamentalist right wing, gun totting christian

although it is consolation to myself that blue like jazz may have made it to the list if it was say the top 20
in all honesty,
i can say that i disagree with the Lewis' observation that Christian authors tend to have more depth
not because he was wrong, but because the Christian literature of his time, and that which i get now is so different
honestly i feel that aside from Lewis and a few other authors such as marilyn robinson, christian writers tend to be boring, sterile and unintelligent

and yes, back to the bible,
it is interesting, and greatly applicable
it is God's inspired word and all that
but i dont know
i dont read it as much as i should for lack of interest
and fear of being identified with those whom, read it alot, read into it alot,
and wield it all around throwing verses around trying to apply its principles literally
making me wince at their lack of theological depth, lack of imagination, and lack of maturity

all that being said, i know some really Godly men and women, who know scripture well, and know how to use it
but i know too many who abuse it
yes, God can use a plumber and all that, although i gave up reading the plumbers book because it's an insult to call it a book,
men of God should acknowledge their frailties and that they arent the most intellectual and theologically superior people,
wad happened to Gods tools being broken vessels, the foolish, and meek,
why are christians now using condescending tones, and taking the "morally high" ground
its one thing to be set apart, and another to be Amish

im sorry for ranting,
as u probably can tell, since ur a budding psycho analyser
im probably borderline neurotic
just a side note, i say you're a psycho analyser, because if you blog surf,
either you're a voyeur, or you think you can read people well
im saying this out of personal retrospection
maybe im so off canter that my observation is skewed
oh wells

dangerously complex thoughts in euclidean space

vanity vanity
porcelain mask on painted face
all us microbes and phages creeping around this worldly dustbowl
trying to breed meaning to the burden of existence, forsooth, just a sigh and whisper in the wind

i wanted you to know me, but am i still me

im tired of jumping through hoops,
tired of playing that game
but for the snare of the whip and the prod of a chair

do you still see anything in my eyes
or have these four walls closed in for too long

im tired of your incompetence
of your lack of lucidity
barbaric fundamentalist
go and bother someone else with your piety,
dont expect me to laud and applaud it

only a moron gets frustrated when he realises he doesnt know anything
only a fool will defend ideologies uncontested
maybe its the fear of turning out to be a neanderthal
no wonder the intellectuals favour evolution

was it Descartes who said i think therefore i am
but more often then not, its a bound of flesh that holds me back

so so tempting
to leave it all behind
to cast off the bounds
to forgo kith and kin

are you my wide eyed wonderling
or a private Jezebel

why do i always end up caring for the one's who arent important
and hating the one's who should mean something

nothing personal
i just see a dumbdowned reflection of myself in you, and i dun particularly like myself as it is

usually you wake up from a dream by opening your eyes
maybe if i close mine this one will end

after a week at school, getting used to hall and all
well although tutorials havent started yet, i think im getting into the groove of things
after army, school doesnt seem so hard,
although yes, now i actually have to use my brain
and the social/political world here is more complex

i think army helped me grow up quite abit
but like i told daniel fong last week
ive grown wiser, not necessarily better
ive lost too much alongst the way...
im too much of a cynic now

ive made the commitment to return to God
but now im stuck with my previous dilemma
how does faith work out in my life
part of me doesnt know how to answer the question
part of me doesnt want to
it might seem overly simplistic just to say to live out love
but the truth is, that is very simple
it's just very hard to do

ive always known i was a social pauper
mmm
blessings not just for the ones who kneel.... luckily

ive started on Kishore Mahbubani's can asians think
it's an understatement to call the book eye opening
i was especially inspired by his point that due to demographics, nations in Europe and America, whom have been pushing the envelope for civilisation up till now will be in the minority
and we Asians have to do our part

mmm
im honestly ashamed of mine chinese heritage?
haha
shoot me

but i shall give several reasons for this
firstly, asians seem to lose out genetically
everything genetic, from good hair to good looks, to atheltic ability
we cannot compete with westerners
they are faster, stronger, taller and have hair that seems glorious

secondly, our society is still miopic, paradoxical, too strictly conservative, and stuck in traditionalism

thirdly, while we do have rich heritage and blah blah blah
and even though in antiquity, chinese society led the forefront of civilisation
we somehow were left standing in the dust, relegated to close to last place
and honestly, i think the chinese society is one that lacks grace when dealing with other societies
we lack grace
my point being supported by the fact that chinese stereotype jokes are funny when the point that the chinaman is ungracious seems to be exploited.
at the risk of sounding xenophobic and racist
im clueless to where this source of chinese pride comes from
sure the rich heritage and traditions
if this were the 16th century sure id understand
but we've lacked behind for a millenia and while there has been a recent catching-up
we still lack grace

mmm
do take note that these are all my thoughts, not the words of Mr Mahbubani, who is probably pro-Asian and whose thoughts are much more lucid, objective and civilised than mine
im just some poor fool ranting on his blog how he was shortchanged bcos he wasnt born with the genetic code of a NBA superstar, or All-Black rugger