ebeneezer scrooge

i hate christmas,
i wont hide that fact
at least, i hate christmas church services....
hai
honestly, i sometimes feel like that character from Charles Dickens tale
being too caught up in meaningless chases, in my case, the castle i conjur up in my head
and lose sight of what christmas is really about

i am ashamed of the gospel
i have no choice now but to accept that fact now

i make so many bold promises and proclimations
but i fail to deliver

God forgive this pharisee

so this bear is wounded
yes
badly wounded

despite my sometimes apparently stoic outlook,
at least i hope its stoic
i guess im driven by many basic desires, and emotions
and many of them just so cowardly and shameful
its no wonder i want to appear stoic

the truth is
i guess im scared
im scared of what the world will look like the moment i step out of this topsy turvy one of my own creation
im scared of losing face
im scared of breaking my pride

its quite ironic
im scared of stepping out in faith
but im scared of getting left behind

im probably the butt of many cosmic jokes
no wonder my 7mth old cousin likes to look at me with his ever big eyes and laugh
haha
maybe he senses my struggles and finds it so funny
or maybe he likes fat dudes
lol

on to a side topic that doesnt matter
i like young kids and babies
maybe because they are innocent and arent tt complicated
yet
...

if u're wondering my post seems more unreadable than usual
its because something someone wrote in a card to me touched me
it may suprise you to find out who
but seriously
id better go do some self reflection
hmm
better yet
id better go talk to my big boss
lol
before my heart hardens over again