goodbye fair elva
adeiu my gentle friend
you illuminated my darkness
but even light must have an end

i wished i could cradle
your heart in the palm of my hands
but you were promised to another
even before our adventure began

so keep shining keep flickering
over yonger hills that lie
be blessed, be happy
may your life go kindly by

this weeks favorite song while studying

I feel like russel crowe's character at the end of proof of life And it really kinda sucks

was thinking/talking over msn about the whole predestitnation armenian/calvanistic broohooha

and several thoughts just came and i wanted to take them down somewhere, so im posting here,
i think teh middle ground im taking is one that we are presented with free will,
and granted some of choices do have overarching consequence for example if we reject salvation,
or today choose to go out and commit some heneous blasphamy

but i think at the same time, God takes either option we do choose and somehow still woves it into the scheme of things

its like perhaps RPGs where NPC dialogue has no effect on the game ending, but just flavours the journey???

but at the same time, i lesson i learnt by getting thrashed by AI at chess has taught me one thing

that it may take one mistake to doom us,
but that usually happens mid game instead of late

and sometimes even incrementally
a small group of bad decisions add together to doom us 20 moves down the road

maybe lifes like that
we keep making the stupid and bad decisions
and they eventually add up, and God has to come along and pull a miracle


whose to say that thats not His plan

maybe we should stop communicating for awhile?
people who have a propensity to run away probably shouldnt egg each other on

I'm not pissed, at least I don't feel pissed, Then again, I'm not very good at feeling I guess I just underestimated entropy, or overestimated you And perhaps, things don't play out like in the movies, and I won't get a happy ending

been listening to everywhere i go by lissie, far too much to be healthy
sometimes i wonder if im emotionally imbalanced, my favorite christmas song is florence and the machine's cover of last christmas

sometimes i wonder what life would be like if we could live in a society without expectations,
without obligations without disappointments
where we could just be, without having to worry about the utility of our actions


been seriously contemplating every few days about just burning my bridges and cutting all ties,

ignoring emails and calls and smses( well more than i usually do)

i doubt it'd make a difference
well maybe it'd inconvenience some, like theyd have to worry how they'd get another sound man on a sunday or something, not like i give a shit at this point

its not my job to make sure that there is someone around to do sound
of course it would be nice, and the proprious thing to do,

but im getting tired of doing the nice thing

whats our worth anyways?
they say doing sound is like a toilet bowl,
aside from how disturbing an image it is,
its always been my favourite analogy

sigh didnt mean to rant,
just that i dont want to hang around a place i dont want to be in dec, but i fear i may be too nice to tell them to bugger off and solve their own problem
i guess its my fault for not telling them sooner

E if u read this, you should totally check out the watchlistentell channel... good stuff

nearly teared listening to this song on repeat...
if u can believe that.

i think all artist should strictly perform on randomn streets and parks
screw mtvs and big stages

Everywhere i go- Lissie
And i fall on my knees


Tell me how's the way to be

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me all that i should know



And i fall on my knees

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me how's the way to be

To evoke some empathy



Danger will follow me now

Everywhere i go

Angels will call on me

And take me to my home

Well this tired mind

Just wants to be lead home



And i fall on my knees

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me how's the way to see

Show me all that i could be



And i fall on my knees

Tell me how's the way to be yeah

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me why i feel so low



Angels will follow me now

Everywhere i go

Angels will call on me

And take me to my home

Well these tired eyes

Just want to remain closed



I don't see clearly can't feel nothing no

Can't you hear me?



And i fall on my knees

And angels will call on me

Now everywhere i go

Angels will call on me

And take me to my home



And angel will fall on me

Everywhere i walk

Angels will call on me

And take me to my home



And angels will call on me

Now everywhere i go

Angels will follow me

Now lead me to my home

was intending on posting about two seperate points today, but then i had a nice cool long bath,
and i effectively forgot about the more angsty (though profound) point i wanted to talk about

actually tbh, abt that point, i only remembered that i wanted to blog it since it was so profound

well i guess the profoundity is lost

anyways today i felt like posting on the importance of wonder

i know ive talked about it before, but i was thinking about it today
and i realised how awesome beholding is and how it actually is our initial purpose as creation

you know how that disney song goes
i can show you the world, shining shimmering splendid

an invitation to behold the world together, something apparently romantic and endearing

be mindful of the fact this is sung by a character who a few movie scenes earlier bemoaned his place in the world as a street rat

but who quotes disney with any credibility
so here is the biblical perspective:

man was made so God could share creation with us (read genesis please)

and perhaps i would go so far as God made us in pairs so we could behold creation together

i think thats why, art, music, nature and beauty in general is made to be appreciated with others

and no im not advertising for any young attractive females who might be looking for someone to behold creation with
although i honestly wouldnt mind meeting some of them

why must i be on the outside looking in??

anyways recently i picked up a douglas coupland book, player one by sheer flippancy and i am so enjoying it

maybe its the postmodernist bent, maybe the loss of faith he writes into his characters, but whatever it is...

and one thought today:
what if our lives didnt have a story, no metaphysical narrative running through reality,
just a sequence of random events that aside from the trivial mean nothing, no moral backtrack,
no punchline, and definitely no happily ever after
what then?

we're trained to think as if at teh end of the day, we'll go somewhere, do something, achieve some meaning
but what if there isnt that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

a quote from the book im reading that i love love love:

those key moments that define us probably fill less than three minutes

and u probably can see why im loving it