coffee

just a personal opinion,
but starbucks is so much better than coffee bean

well at least if you are a coffee purist,


maybe im just biased, but coffee bean does not have anything particularly strong on its menu,
and the cups are smaller
hmm

coffee bean just sells alot of sweet nothings which just appeal to the sweet tooth, not to the caffine deprived soul

its interesting really,
how easily we can get uprooted,
and find things around us so different, so suffocating
so
changed...

i guess change is one of the great constants in life,
everything changes
at least everything other than God,

but change hurts
especially when its something we hold close
like beliefs or friends
its like in the words of the only chinese song i ever really liked,
time passes, and the friends we once had are now no longer close,
and the only thing we have left are memories....

so easily, we get uprooted, and we find that we dont fit in like we used to
the people, the buildings, the air, its all changed,
i guess we've changed much too
maybe its like Aslan says to Lucy in prince caspian,
its not that I've grown, but You've grown, and so i seem bigger to you
doesnt make much sense
but i guess change doesnt make much sense either

in words that worry me,
a friend expressed her anxiety that a bunch of us who grew quite close recently are probably not close enough to remain close in the next few years,

a group of friends who i have become especially fond of
hmm
i have never been really great at making friends
thru 4 yrs of sec sch education, i only made a handful of really good friends
and even than, its hard to even keep in contact with them
and some people who i thought i would never lose touch with
are phantoms to me now,
ghost from the past who by some cosmic coincidence bump into me from time to time.

i guess its kind of my fault too
nvr really appreciated the friends i had
took many of them for granted, and lived in a world of melochany where i mourned what i did not have
so much so that i lost much of what i did have

well
so before its too late
if you were or still are a good friend to me, whether i realised it or not,
thank you
for being there
and im sorry if it seems that we're no longer as close as we used to be
i cant say i wish we still were close, but well, there are good memories
ahhahahaha
but really
i wish i wasnt such a waste
waste of potential
waste of effort

what can we claim to have gained?
nothing really
nothing at all
really drives home the fact that we come with nothing and take back nothing
now if only the universal constant God was more constant in our lives
maybe we'd lose less

night

as still as the darkness,
as bleak as the rain
the call of the raven chilling the soul
judgement looms
and the ghosts of the past afflict
cessation is at the door

empty tombs,
mortality certain
the struggle pending
solitary, quiet hostility,
bloodstained nothingness

lycans howl and perish
smitten

in the numbing downpour
a point of no return
a field of blood

john 13:30 As soon as Judas had taken the bread, he went out. And it was night.

John 9:4As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

excuse me? do u noe where i can find joy

in case ur wondering

no, i am not refering to the name of a girl

just some distant shangri-la that ive heard of in folklore

hmm

no really

what is joy?

i suppose the most direct answer would be delighting in our identity in God, and in what he has done for us on the cross, and in the love and glory that we can bring to Him......

but than that would be quite far from what im capable of thinking about

at least for now, with my brain running on half the oxygen needed

lol

excuses

but really,

for me, for now

i guess its learning not to resent, and bring Him, something sacrificial

something pleasing...

something of worth

a side note, i want to change my blog song, but thats later....

hmm

i dunno,

joy hasnt exactly been one of my strengths..

i learnt to sigh since primary school

stare at the clouds and lament my situation

wallow in the melodrama of life, and the like

hmm

well

i guess one could call it perspective...

looking at the sides we choose to see

but i refuse to see joy as seeing the birds chirping and the rainbow and the flowers

hmm

i guess joy is seeing all the shit in life and knowing that God has everything in order....

well

we're seeking Heaven arent we

and i guess we'll nvr reach there until we finally let go and learn to look up

and learn to rejoice in the fact that we cant do anything rite and that everything has been set in place for us already

walking on a knife's edge

i guess the only thing we fail to see sometimes is the omnipotent One who asked us to walk the line carrying us

well

if we could percieve such mysteries

well i guess we'd see more of Heaven playing out through our lives.

hey, its me in the library typing again
seems like boredom drives people to blog,
i must live a terribly boring life
hmm

so much has happened,
now i find myself in a queer state of affairs
hmm
i guess on one hand im staying for now
on the other, i dont really wish to burden myself with the extra affairs of a local parish.... lol

hmm
well God's been speaking
in strange languages...

now He's sayign things like i need to find joy
joy in service
joy in living for Him
i guess He is right

like He can ever be wrong...

i suppose that other than with fear and trembling, we need to work out our salvation with a smile on our faces and a skip in our stride
wheee

well
whatever it is, i suppose i must press on
it is the only way... to reconcile my faith with my life
anything inbalanced will sooner or later have to reconcile...
id rather be the one to do it
i guess im learning to answer for my stubborness and aloofness in the past.
we reap what we sow
we get to taste the bitter harvest of our mistakes and stupidity...
well at least im happy
or im trying to be

whee

i guess im finally realising,
that depth is not how difficult our words are,
or how complex our algorithms appear to be...
its simply how what is on the inside, and how the crux of the matter, that finally being God, is reconciled and amplified throughout,
beyond wording and numbers,
the essence of being,
being captured, because that is what we know and hold onto.

here i am in school blogging
wow
its amazing
so much free time in sch
none at home
this world is imbalanced
everything abounding in all the wrong places.

i guess this rule applies to more than just my leisure distribution

its strange really,
i had to depart from an insistance on certain things i considered to be my cornerstone in order to find myself.

no i have not lost my faith or backslided,
and no i have not suddenly accepted some occultic doctrine
at least i hope ive not.

i guess its just learning to accept and make do with what i have left
or at least what ive been given
i suppose its learning one deep truth,
that u nvr really own ur life until u give it away to God freely

maybe i stopped trying to hold on and survive
so i finally learnt to live

then again
there are so many unreconciled areas and factors in my life
and as all good physics and sociatal algorithms tell us
all imbalances will be reconciled one way or the other,
its just a matter of the speed, smoothness of the transition and i suppose how pleasant the transition

maybe im buying myself time,
maybe im running away again
seems to be the only thing im really good at doing.

or maybe i need to heed that b-grade line...
u have only been fleeing
you havent learnt to run

i wanted to blog daily, or at least weekly,
but now i think if update at least once a month, it would be above expectations....
lol
the pass months/weeks have been really amazing
in terms of consistency,
i think my walk has never been as consistent.
but i guess to other people it would never look so slipshod
i have begun finally to understand some truths, and some archetypes, and norms that i accepted till now have fallen away.
conventions have been lost, at least some of them are lost to me
its quite interesting really
so much to do
and im enjoying 90 per cent of it
more than i could have expected.
yet the joys and comforts i held to in the past are gone
if i seem to go on rumbling without a point, its probably cos i dun noe how to put my point into words
i have nvr been one for beautiful expression
so i shant try
i once told someone i didnt like making promises especially since i probably wont keep them
i used to believe that it was better to be sincere, and just try
since we probably will fail
i guess im coming to realise how sometimes we must promise even when we tread a knife-edge,
because we have no other choice
because if we arent willing to give our futures to Him,
and go against all that fate may throw against us
we will never become all that He intends for us to become

havent been blogging for a long while
sorry
if anyone reads my blog at all...
school has been murder
ouside school activities... hmm
well
lets just say tt i comparatively prefer going to school sometimes

anyway
there has been a role-play in my head going on for some time

Hi, i'm Simon
Hi Simon
I'm.... a leper....
Everyone in the circle doesnt seem stunned...
a man seating next to him pats Simon on the back with what's left of his hand....

welcome to Lalaland
also known as the leper association

nowadays, u dont even need to be a leper to have no friends
people walk around, with a chip in their shoulder,
their disposition crying out unclean

Maybe for that reason we treasure the account of the leper so much
because Jesus not only brough healing to him
but He touched him
something people wouldnt think of doing

we call ourselves the follower's of Christ,
a people called by God, to walk in his ways, and in a way,
become a small piece of Him on earth
but how many times do we shun the social and spiritual lepers around us?

true faith has a way of showing itself
commitment, time, spiritual fruits...
but looking retrospectively,
i seem to have none
yeah
i noe im shallow
but it seems that public opinion is all for letting loose of every inate thought and opinion,
as if everyone wants and deserves to know

well enough of that line of thought anyway

hmm
talked to someone recently,
although i must admit i wasnt to intothe the conversation
but yeah
touched on something important
how do we know if we are called to a place
according to the persons answer, if we are there, usually we're called there
and something else about a sense of purpose, and knowing about knowing
hmm
the first one i suppose goes for every situation,
but the other 2?
well
the conversation was quite a roundabout
probably my fault, cause i naturally assume everyone to be psychic.
hmm
but yeah
got there at last
well
this is my response,
even if i dont feel like staying,
i dread it
i guess i have to drag my feet there
cause i havent been called out yet
so i shall try not to scowl
and try not to beat up those im about to beat up
try
yeah
but yeah, dun ask for some enthusiastic response from me,
cause i dun have one to give u