phantom

You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered


Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here


Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could


Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle


Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?


Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try


No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye
Help me say goodbye

soap

why
why do people behave the way they do?
why does the crazed intoxication lead to such melodrama and conspiracy
why must it be so tiresome
i can see why im afraid
i dunno
i guess well,
im not the only one who is getting hurt by all of this
but am i the only one who feels wary?

its just seems so impossible sometimes
i cant take another episode,
how do people last so many seasons
why must the blossoms draw as such
why do the rays melt the coldest heart?
are we all fools?

was it worth it?
all the blood sweat and tears?
late nights
sleep debt
weariness?
hmm
i suppose time will tell
but sometimes that answer isnt enough
especially when we dont see much
but i guess ive been blessed with this one respite

11 years
after 11 years of hardness, a heart opens
if that isnt fruit i dunno what is
i just hope it lasts
i really do

I'm home enough to know I'm lost

Sometimes I wish there was less uncertainty,
but I guess its not up to me to decide
sometimes I feel as if we're on the knifes edge,
other times, I dunno if I feel at all
but anyways
I dunno
somehow I feel as if I never cared more in my life

my new found home, family
never thought I would find it here
but I have
and now I'm scared of letting go

I dunno
I find myself groping in the dark sometimes
chasing the fugacious blossoms of past beauty, lost in the continuity of time
pursuing some dream now illusory...
i know now that its pointless to try and return to that point
everyone and everything has moved on
so i have decided to grasp what i have now
but i fear it is slipping away from me

maybe this is the first time i really care
i dunno
this is so new to me
sometimes i just feel so helpless and lost
but im not gonna stand down i guess

something has to be done,
either we go down, regretting
or
or else.....
pray that i may find
find the grace we all need,

Confused enough to know direction
Sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
See enough to know I'm blind
See enough to know I'm blind

throwing oneself against a rock

i dont know if it was a stupid thing to do
but i agreed to more work
lol

hahaha
well honestly i wont mind
im more worried if im not capable enough
hai
but really
i think life has come to such a point whereby i am totally willing to help out SFC
but hmm
in non para organisations,
lets say there is no enthusiasm at all.....
well
shant say too much
my head may roll
just would like to say that yeah
im really beginning to appreciate all the people placed around me
especially in school
so many good role models and fellow wayfarers....
wish i could say the same about.....
hai
well
when life gives u lemons....
i dont know.....
i dont like lemonade.....

so now the pressure is starting to build up
with easter week a week away, one full-dress down, another to go
and with last minute admin and work to settle, life is begginning to get hectic......
at least now i know i have stuff to do
and hopefully i can get through it in one piece

at least i now know that i am not the only one with these sentiments
but is that comfort enough?
i dont know, but i dont think circumstances will change much for the better in time to come
so either i change, or i leave?
sigh
seems like that is the popular route out
is it?
i cant say i have no where else to go
because i do
so what now?

i really have no idea
we shall just wait and see

block test

hmm, its test time of the year
hmm
well at least ive got an excuse for not blogging for some time liao
ahah
ive been
well
hmm
ive been having the time of my life really
strange, i never expected test time to be so enjoyable.

i think maybe it is because it takes my mind off other things

so many things going wrong
hmm
even things i thought would never falter did
at least there is still grace
really

cant say that i enjoy going to church,
but hey, at least i go
and i dont try to fake that i do enjoy it

i wish it were easier to relate to God, at least out of a better posture
not one whereby i feel far away
well i hope its just a feeling
ahhaha

anyways
yeah
the road to life concert,
seemed smooth sailing at first
now suddenly has become so rocky
big bills
chicken pox
lack of manpower
its no coincidence that 2 days from the 1st full dress rehersal our lead guitarist was down
hmm
well im believing tht it will be no coincidence that he will be miraculously healed by friday
hahahah
sounds strange coming from me
but maybe the eternal optimist has begun rubbing off on me

anyways, i think im not really doing my job
im lousy at admin and at gathering resources and people
probably better at being a grunt
lol

anyways
serving in some places has become a real chore while in other places has been a joy
i dont know
most people would assume it to be the other order
better not say too much

but yeah
life has been great even with all the problems
ahhahaha
dun noe
maybe its the company im keeping
mix with the right people
it will really bolster your mood
anyways
been really interesting
really really interesting
ahahahah
going deliriou5?
ahahah
maybe the crazed intoxication has gotten to me
i hope no one understands that
lol


hahah
anyway
i think im going to change my blog song
faith enough
by jars of clay
discography: who we are instead

its a great song, so i shall let it speak for itself