theres this cloud in the atmosphere
like there isnt enough oxygen to go round
something heavy and oppressive
a wet blanket suffocating us

moods been alternating between blissful apathy and borderline rage
maybe ive just been bottling it all up for too long
letting it fester and age
swallowing all the discontent and disappointment
so that it feeds you

its the uncomfortable truth
the one they dont proclaim in sunday school
our best friends and comrades are ephemeral,
we're a lot more alone than we'd ever dare admit or realise
so very lonesome in this farce of an existence we label consciousness

the cycle goes on and on
like some out of tune carnival ride
till our dollars worth runs out
then it clangs to a stop
never to move again

like some surreal nightmare of clowns gone rogue
friends and kin run around with painted faces laughing and crying
and we get caught up in the play till the joke goes sour
and we find ourselves face first in something much worse than pie,
and for the first time
the epiphany
we never knew anyone
not even ourselves

the biggest joke is when we try and figure our place and purpose in life
trying to fit ourselves into metaphysical equations
its like the commercial where they gave a macbook to a monkey

we try our best to get into this program, or that ivy league varsity
or to get that amazing headstart in our career
for what?
so that we can feel miserable about ourselves, others and the world in all new and innovative ways?

so we decide we need to be "set apart"
need to be "consecrated"
like maybe if we isolate ourselves in the caves and mountains,
become monks and nuns
and give our lives over to prayer and sermons about revival
that maybe we'd leave our mark
cast our names in bedrock

like we ever could

so how many times must the tide come in
and flatten our sandcastles
till we stop


Blessings are not just for the ones who kneel... luckily

u2- city of blinding lights

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now

Neon heart day-glow eyes
A city lit by fireflies
They're advertising in the skies
For people like us

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Don't look before you laugh
Look ugly in a photograph
Flash bulbs purple irises
The camera can't see

I've seen you walk unafraid
I've seen you in the clothes you made
Can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

(cut)

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Time...time...time...time...time
Won't leave me as I am
But time won't take the boy out of this man

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

The more you know the less you feel
Some pray for others steal
Blessings are not just for the ones who kneel... luckily

just so the old one knows,
ive been using the only birthday present i ever recieved from you,
and yeah....
i think i learnt something today....
usually id prefer to claim to have been reminded of stuff rather than having learnt
cause yeah, it conjurs the mental picture that i know alot?
but im learning that i have alot of knowledge, but i dont really know alot

so yeah

anyways, todays study was on jonah(i know ive posted on him before)
and yeah i think i learnt that God never allows us to give up?

ive always been under the impression that God is omniscient and omnipotent
but ive always thought that i held the self destructive "give up" button
i guess the awesome/aweful thing is that for those of us who give our lives to him
we dont even have full control of that

i was reminded of several other things
one being how pagans(non-christians- im using this as allegory, not that non-christian= pagainsitc) many times put us christians to shame in the directness and simplicity of their faith, or how they apply and live out what they believe...
we're the ones in above our heads, believing in one way of life
but falling so much short.

i was also reminded how as much as people preach how we should bring the right attitude and intentions to God when we pray, essentially the "right" way/things to pray
the truth is that this isnt/shouldnt be
God wants us to come to Him/before Him
even if its for the wrong reasons
so often we've taught new believers to come to God first, not focus on changing
but we dont practice that ourselves
even if our prayers are self-serving, about how pissed we are, or how much we need financial success
i think better bringing these to God then not at all

for those who know or dont
i think the previous year was amazing
really like a storm shaking my boat
i think ive learnt so much more about love
not some mushy concept
but the real backbone of christianity

theres so much i d want to say about it
but so little i think im entitled to say

my resolutions for this year we're now into
to know God more,
and to know His love and grace
and hopefully to learn to respond to these in a more deserving way

recently ive been reading on the gospel of grace and how we are saved by grace through faith... blah blah blah
and yeah
i realise how hard it is reconciling that in my life
as much as i hate legalism

we often differentiate ourselves as christians because of our "relationship with God"
that even demons and satanist know of God, but we are the ones who know him(old english) meaning we have an intimate relationship(positive connotation)
so yeah
we often imply things such as loving God, and holiness

which is a problem,
loving God, would include i suppose, actions, feelings, and (more impt) our posture towards God(as brought up by CS Lewis, a view i totallly support)
however, i often dun act like im in love with Him, im too easily distracted, waste too much time on non-essentials,
i dun feel much love, and yeah my posture basically sucks
alot of christian songs go on and on about how we love God, forever and ever, despite all things and how we will give up our lives for Him,
and those really irk me, they make us hypocrites, acting like we love God when we know nothing about love

holiness is a big problem too
u can sin by intent, or lack of it,
u can sin by simply letting ur mind wander sometimes
u can sin by not doing enough

so yeah today as i tried to worship God, i kinda felt bummed
like who was i, you know, trying to come before God
it felt all kinda fake

i tried to focus on who God is
i mean paul wrote so much about knowing God
having that intimate knowledge that comes from experience and i asked God for that

i was thinking about how God loves me so much
and how i dun reciprocate that in any acceptable way
and it dawned on me
that God is love, He loves us, as some theologians like to say, because it is His nature
and yeah
how can i hope to love Him back
when my nature is fallen,
im an reflection of Him, but as through a fractured mirror

and while i mourned my fallen nature
i guess at the same time i felt the burden of having "to love God" lift
its kinda hard to express
its like i realise that i shouldnt kick myself around so much for not loving Him enough
or not having a lifestyle of worship and all that
not that those are not praiseworthy and deserving our focus
but yeah
they are a goal
but something we work at throughout our lifetimes

what should set us apart as christians rather should be that we firstly accept His love and grace
i mean ideally of course, hypothetically, it should involve loving God back, and living a lifestyle of holiness and all that other stuff they preach about at church
but thats the lifetime goal
not the goal to tick off at the end of the week/month/year

we are saved by grace, through faith
im not playing down holiness
i mean its impt
coming before God with clean hands and a pure heart
but yeah
doest that mean we cast ourselves outside the gate because we fall?
but were fallen anyway right?
even if like our pastors advocate, we keep ourselves from all temptation and become a monk
isnt our nature enough to keep us out?

i recall that nice long passage in acts where paul goes on and on about the great men of God in the bible
big names like abraham and moses
and so on
and how they were credited with righteousness
and all
but they failed too didnt they?
noah got drunk and wasted, and needed his sons to preserve his dignity,
moses was a murderer,
abraham lied and tricked his way though hostile territory
im led to believe that even we heed that call to come out of the world and all that monkhood and hermit lifestyle and being "brought up into God in the high heavens and glory" and all that theological holy smoke
we wont cut it in Gods eyes
we are righteouss through faith

so we accept Gods grace and love
or if we cant, because we're too proud, and obstinate in our legalism, and rather damn ourselves
we ask God to help us
and thats the beauty of grace
not that God doesnt help those who help themselves
but He also helps those who cant

im was planning to maybe post up the rest of the vietnam pics i took, but im too lazy, and blogger proved to be uncooperative the first time round
so that will take some time to get done
since im the kind of procrastination anyways

mmm

wells,
christmas is over-rated
i think growing up takes away alot of the magic?
presents are cool, till u realise the financial pressure something like christmas puts on ur parents?
hahaha
gosh
i think i like being a wet blanket some times

mmm
for those of you who didnt make the trip down to chc to watch tim wan's cameo,
the drama totally rocked
like wow
really really impressive
if u dun believe me, go look for the webcast
nothing like seeing it urself to believe it

i think our beef never was with the rules or myopic focus on revival
i think what i hated was that you let that goodboy revivalist personnae get set up as the societal archetype
which now that i think about it really kinda sucked
i mean wad happened to different body parts making up one body?

so much about holiness and consecration
but u let so many, too many fall through the holes
sure u preached abt reaching the lost, and loving others
but u allowed for the social labels and isolation

while Jesus dined with sinners
we became much like the pharisees in our close-knit group of "holy consecrated" people
Jesus loved the sinners
sure we did at first, when they were still new, fresh, unassimilated
but did we continue to show love when a year or two down the road
they seemed unchristian to us?

labels, suspicious eyes and feeling of being a second class christian
how many people have we lost because of these

im here in nam. reading a book chaos promoted
and suddenly epiphany
i realise how i was mislead and well i wouldnt call it wasting a good 7-8 years of my youth
because im learning how een the most crappy experiences we go through and the most retarded mistakes we make, God still comes and uses it for His glory and our good....

but incomplete doctrine and teaching (i wont go so far as to call it wrong as wrong is a strong word)
has caused me to go round in circles for quite awhile
chasing my own tail and several illusive rainbows and dreams
living in uncalled for guilt and shame
trapped in that sick cycle of self-deprecation
tearing myself down needlessly countless times

i mean no fault of wrong motive of theirs
teaching us about the need for holiness which is swell
and calling us to repent of our sins and turn to God
which is all butterflies and roses

but they leave us there, with this idea that with accountability and Gods strength, overcoming should be no problem
and then we fail
we fall slip slide
and we dont want to tell no one
cause the whole accountability plan was nice in theory
but some of us didnt fit into it


and then we kick ourselves over our lack of ability
our stark decadence
our sin
and we feel condemned


we try to enter into Gods presence
but were not able to seperate ourselves from our sin in our heads
and we trick ourselves into thinking us unworthy
we long to be inhibited in Gods presence
but we've grown to be too selfaware for that

we decide to damn ourselves
since Gods too stoic to do it Himself
and we waste so much precious time
so much time
on meaningless guilt trips

if only they taught us properly about grace
not just that its wad we recieve that we dont deserve
but also that we're bound to fail
that success rate isnt what makes up the victorious christian life
that focusing on guilt isnt the way
thats its ok to not be ok
that we should learn to accept Gods love
that forgiveness comes before repentance
not the other way round
so we would come to God
without running around trying to earn brownie points first