im here in nam. reading a book chaos promoted
and suddenly epiphany
i realise how i was mislead and well i wouldnt call it wasting a good 7-8 years of my youth
because im learning how een the most crappy experiences we go through and the most retarded mistakes we make, God still comes and uses it for His glory and our good....

but incomplete doctrine and teaching (i wont go so far as to call it wrong as wrong is a strong word)
has caused me to go round in circles for quite awhile
chasing my own tail and several illusive rainbows and dreams
living in uncalled for guilt and shame
trapped in that sick cycle of self-deprecation
tearing myself down needlessly countless times

i mean no fault of wrong motive of theirs
teaching us about the need for holiness which is swell
and calling us to repent of our sins and turn to God
which is all butterflies and roses

but they leave us there, with this idea that with accountability and Gods strength, overcoming should be no problem
and then we fail
we fall slip slide
and we dont want to tell no one
cause the whole accountability plan was nice in theory
but some of us didnt fit into it


and then we kick ourselves over our lack of ability
our stark decadence
our sin
and we feel condemned


we try to enter into Gods presence
but were not able to seperate ourselves from our sin in our heads
and we trick ourselves into thinking us unworthy
we long to be inhibited in Gods presence
but we've grown to be too selfaware for that

we decide to damn ourselves
since Gods too stoic to do it Himself
and we waste so much precious time
so much time
on meaningless guilt trips

if only they taught us properly about grace
not just that its wad we recieve that we dont deserve
but also that we're bound to fail
that success rate isnt what makes up the victorious christian life
that focusing on guilt isnt the way
thats its ok to not be ok
that we should learn to accept Gods love
that forgiveness comes before repentance
not the other way round
so we would come to God
without running around trying to earn brownie points first