recently ive been reading on the gospel of grace and how we are saved by grace through faith... blah blah blah
and yeah
i realise how hard it is reconciling that in my life
as much as i hate legalism

we often differentiate ourselves as christians because of our "relationship with God"
that even demons and satanist know of God, but we are the ones who know him(old english) meaning we have an intimate relationship(positive connotation)
so yeah
we often imply things such as loving God, and holiness

which is a problem,
loving God, would include i suppose, actions, feelings, and (more impt) our posture towards God(as brought up by CS Lewis, a view i totallly support)
however, i often dun act like im in love with Him, im too easily distracted, waste too much time on non-essentials,
i dun feel much love, and yeah my posture basically sucks
alot of christian songs go on and on about how we love God, forever and ever, despite all things and how we will give up our lives for Him,
and those really irk me, they make us hypocrites, acting like we love God when we know nothing about love

holiness is a big problem too
u can sin by intent, or lack of it,
u can sin by simply letting ur mind wander sometimes
u can sin by not doing enough

so yeah today as i tried to worship God, i kinda felt bummed
like who was i, you know, trying to come before God
it felt all kinda fake

i tried to focus on who God is
i mean paul wrote so much about knowing God
having that intimate knowledge that comes from experience and i asked God for that

i was thinking about how God loves me so much
and how i dun reciprocate that in any acceptable way
and it dawned on me
that God is love, He loves us, as some theologians like to say, because it is His nature
and yeah
how can i hope to love Him back
when my nature is fallen,
im an reflection of Him, but as through a fractured mirror

and while i mourned my fallen nature
i guess at the same time i felt the burden of having "to love God" lift
its kinda hard to express
its like i realise that i shouldnt kick myself around so much for not loving Him enough
or not having a lifestyle of worship and all that
not that those are not praiseworthy and deserving our focus
but yeah
they are a goal
but something we work at throughout our lifetimes

what should set us apart as christians rather should be that we firstly accept His love and grace
i mean ideally of course, hypothetically, it should involve loving God back, and living a lifestyle of holiness and all that other stuff they preach about at church
but thats the lifetime goal
not the goal to tick off at the end of the week/month/year

we are saved by grace, through faith
im not playing down holiness
i mean its impt
coming before God with clean hands and a pure heart
but yeah
doest that mean we cast ourselves outside the gate because we fall?
but were fallen anyway right?
even if like our pastors advocate, we keep ourselves from all temptation and become a monk
isnt our nature enough to keep us out?

i recall that nice long passage in acts where paul goes on and on about the great men of God in the bible
big names like abraham and moses
and so on
and how they were credited with righteousness
and all
but they failed too didnt they?
noah got drunk and wasted, and needed his sons to preserve his dignity,
moses was a murderer,
abraham lied and tricked his way though hostile territory
im led to believe that even we heed that call to come out of the world and all that monkhood and hermit lifestyle and being "brought up into God in the high heavens and glory" and all that theological holy smoke
we wont cut it in Gods eyes
we are righteouss through faith

so we accept Gods grace and love
or if we cant, because we're too proud, and obstinate in our legalism, and rather damn ourselves
we ask God to help us
and thats the beauty of grace
not that God doesnt help those who help themselves
but He also helps those who cant