i stop to gather myself
why the recent condition of my heart?
why the coldness, hardness and rebellion

could it be bcos the minisitry is heading in a direction i no longer want to head in?
could it be tt i feel lost without the ppl i considered my mentors,
now tt they are dealing with a drastic change in their lives?
could it be all the penned up fustration and anger?
wadeva it is,
im finding myself lost and confused
i no longer know where i want to go
and im no longer sure of myself,
of who i am anymore

and then there's you,
the ppl who are supposedly authority over me
u tell me of how u have "more experience than me"
but you don't lord it over me
you tell me tt not being transparent is pride
you tell me tt my not confiding in you means i dont trust Him
means i dont confide in Him

well, im sorry if i dont meet ur expectations
im sorry if im too insecure to be able to trust you
im sorry if i dont find the merits of you being my "leaders" enough to win my trust
im sorry tt perhaps bcos of past issues, i find myself only able to openly confide in a handful of ppl

maybe ur right
maybe i am being proud
maybe i am being arrogant
maybe i dont have a relationship with Him
maybe i dont trust Him

but im afraid all you've succeed in doing is to irk me
you waltz in here, and u expect me to open up to you
what makes you so deserving of my trust?
what have you done for me?
how have you proven urself trust worthy?

you tell me tt if i cant trust you, who i can see, tt i can't trust God who i cant see

Let me ask you this: There was a time when i used to cry to God every night, and i had no one else to confide with. Where were you during those times?
during those times i could only trust in God, and it was only thanks to him tt i made it through, i didnt even know who the heck you were back then
and now you come telling me tt if i cant trust you, i cant trust Him?
what gives you the right to insult everything He has done for me like tt

you say tt i give you disrespect,
well
i agree with you
cos i find myself losing respect for you with every other word that you say