whose face is that in the mirror?

stripping the girth(sorry lian),
someone tagged that about my blog

I like hanging out with thinkers
people with much insight and depth,
people who know what is going on
not that i don't like hanging out with people who fit a more proactive mould
but, well, i like people to debate with
people who can hold their own in a logical debate

then again, i guess such people encourage me to practice introspection
they tell me when im screwing up my own life
like a mirror, they show me what i am,
whether i like it or not

some people think that what i write shows who i am inside
gives people a view into the unadulterated version of my thought and emotional plane
i suppose it does,
then again
emotions are flippant, like the wind, unpredictable and unreliable
my thoughts,
candidly, i don't know what im thinking or what i should think anymore

some say writing helps us make sense of the confusion
it does i suppose
penning down stuff makes them in a sense concrete facts,
not the vague uncertain entity that thoughts often come as
writing then gives us insight into what we think and feel,
letting us focus on what we should then do

i wish such good advice were given to me as to how to deal with apathy

is this really the state of my heart?
emotions are undulating
most of the time by the time i start writing, the initial sentiment is gone

when i started this blog
i wanted to capture in essence, me
my principles, my stands,
the character, that makes me who i am (and other chauvanistic stuff)
then before i could,
got abit messed up
confused, for a time i didnt know what i really stood for.

i guess it's like what CS Lewis writes in A Grief Observed
"my faith was like a house of cards
and God had to knock it down"
and i was left groping around the debris
finding for the parts that were castle,
now, im back to building
he also writes that God will continue knocking down our house of cards as many times as he needs to
wheeee
i think the reason i like that book so much is that for the first time
CS Lewis seemed to find cracks in his logic
and he was left struggling in that fog of uncertainty
something that im so acquanted to

I think I'll for the moment stop trying to figure out who i am
i guess what matters more is what He intends me to become
I just hope that i'll be able to do more than think that way