lorn... lost... nearly

hooked on my own vomit...
pathetic..
disgusting
trapped by my own ill-discipline
trapped by the matrices of my own mind
hardened
repelled
i do what i can to numb the pain....
i walk away

but You call out my name
and it is enough
to hear Your voice crying for me
this undeserving waif
it breaks me

the knowledge of Your grace
building me up and tearing me down
the irony all too painful-
that which i can never deserve
is poured down like rain

How could i ask for more?
yet the painful truth is that i often ask for less
for more kindess- and less love
for painless moulding- and less of a destiny
for less responsibilities- and a dimmer reflection of Your glory
for less pains- and less joy

awesome, terrible, You are God indeed
Your gentle touch- smashing through the defences of my heart
Your unquenchable love and fire- leaving me longing for more, yet cowering in fear
why You took favour in a pusillanimous wimp,
i still fail to fathom
but what choice do i have?
to rebel against the very source of my being
or to submit to that which rebels against my nature

the age old paradox
...

i thank God
that eternity....
eternity is not part of time
and that when i reach beautiful shore (not if-by faith)
this struggle with joy will be a joke of the past.....
lets hope i get there


hmm
i may not be the eternal optimist
but i guess even a diehard pessimist has to submit to the omnipotent