stunned myself today...
said something in the midst of a highly irritated state
not to anyone in particular
just an inaudible comment under my breath
but i guess the fact still remains

hai
maybe i can excuse that action
it was done in a highly irrationaly state...
where emotions run high...
and good intentions are the last thing we think about

but then again
if i am half the sentient being i pride myself in being
then i suppose its not really excusable

the stuff we say...
the things we do
that come naturally when we don't think
or when emtions run high....
arent they a reflection of who we are under that mask of premeditative action and reactions?

the words and actiosn we plan are a reflection of our intentions...
or maybe the intentions are subtly hidden behind the good-will which exists as a means to some unscruplous end...
but in the end
i guess the ugly side only shows when our mask slip...

the ugly side..
very much part of us
maybe more so than the act we put on to impress people

the stuff i say when no-one hears....
the stuff i do when no-one sees or knows
maybe that is who i am....
the subconscious aspect at least

well
i suppose that being human...
i am in nature... a waif...
a blackguard..
a rebellious fallen.... creature,
the product of sin

hmm
maybe it wasnt always this way
maybe in the beginning man found it easy to please God, easy to submit
but well, man fell, chose not to submit once
and thus lost the control over the will..
lost the ability to submit...
lost the ability love God out of his nature....
i guess it might seem tough
but well
it was always a condition of rebelling against the one through whom we get the all the authority and ability listed above
it was a stupid thing to do... maybe
i mean to hope hold onto the gifts even when rebelling against the source
but well
stupidity reigned i guess..

anyway
as a result
now....
we're a disgusting bunch of by products
creatures by nature supposed to be fair, terrible and awesome
now twisted in their very nature by sin
to become ugly, pathetic, and disgusting

im not making an excuse for who i am
yes, it maybe my nature...
something that i didn't chose but inherited....
but still
being in the state that i am
i am and well should be disgusted at the state i am
the actions i perform...
the result of a nature not of my choosing
still are... sins,
and i am well aware and ashamed of that fact...
well
i guess the only right reaction would be to change
but ya
guess thats what i always trying to do
always will be trying i guess
until maybe im done here
then another path we take up my preoccupation...

hmm
want to end up with a lesson i learnt from a certain elderly and well-respected member of the teaching staff at my alma mater(cough cough... im talking rubbish) Julia Huang....
she wasnt well loved
particularly by me
but i did learn stuff from her

that all the recent hype about the power of the subconscious and the wealth and treasure in unlocking its capabilities is bull
the man being man.... has the tendency to sin
this being subconscious...
the subconscious leaves us open to many things...
and many beings..
some not having very amiable intentions..
so
well
instead, invest in the conscious mind
filling it with culture and knowledge..
making character and culture second nature..
the betterment of the individual
hmm
well
i shall stop here
and haha
maybe start walking the talk........

the more things i presuppose and say
the bigger the hypocrite i become
well
i suppose we all must start by being hypocrites..
but well
let me not be the one to stay there