recently ive been reading on the gospel of grace and how we are saved by grace through faith... blah blah blah
and yeah
i realise how hard it is reconciling that in my life
as much as i hate legalism

we often differentiate ourselves as christians because of our "relationship with God"
that even demons and satanist know of God, but we are the ones who know him(old english) meaning we have an intimate relationship(positive connotation)
so yeah
we often imply things such as loving God, and holiness

which is a problem,
loving God, would include i suppose, actions, feelings, and (more impt) our posture towards God(as brought up by CS Lewis, a view i totallly support)
however, i often dun act like im in love with Him, im too easily distracted, waste too much time on non-essentials,
i dun feel much love, and yeah my posture basically sucks
alot of christian songs go on and on about how we love God, forever and ever, despite all things and how we will give up our lives for Him,
and those really irk me, they make us hypocrites, acting like we love God when we know nothing about love

holiness is a big problem too
u can sin by intent, or lack of it,
u can sin by simply letting ur mind wander sometimes
u can sin by not doing enough

so yeah today as i tried to worship God, i kinda felt bummed
like who was i, you know, trying to come before God
it felt all kinda fake

i tried to focus on who God is
i mean paul wrote so much about knowing God
having that intimate knowledge that comes from experience and i asked God for that

i was thinking about how God loves me so much
and how i dun reciprocate that in any acceptable way
and it dawned on me
that God is love, He loves us, as some theologians like to say, because it is His nature
and yeah
how can i hope to love Him back
when my nature is fallen,
im an reflection of Him, but as through a fractured mirror

and while i mourned my fallen nature
i guess at the same time i felt the burden of having "to love God" lift
its kinda hard to express
its like i realise that i shouldnt kick myself around so much for not loving Him enough
or not having a lifestyle of worship and all that
not that those are not praiseworthy and deserving our focus
but yeah
they are a goal
but something we work at throughout our lifetimes

what should set us apart as christians rather should be that we firstly accept His love and grace
i mean ideally of course, hypothetically, it should involve loving God back, and living a lifestyle of holiness and all that other stuff they preach about at church
but thats the lifetime goal
not the goal to tick off at the end of the week/month/year

we are saved by grace, through faith
im not playing down holiness
i mean its impt
coming before God with clean hands and a pure heart
but yeah
doest that mean we cast ourselves outside the gate because we fall?
but were fallen anyway right?
even if like our pastors advocate, we keep ourselves from all temptation and become a monk
isnt our nature enough to keep us out?

i recall that nice long passage in acts where paul goes on and on about the great men of God in the bible
big names like abraham and moses
and so on
and how they were credited with righteousness
and all
but they failed too didnt they?
noah got drunk and wasted, and needed his sons to preserve his dignity,
moses was a murderer,
abraham lied and tricked his way though hostile territory
im led to believe that even we heed that call to come out of the world and all that monkhood and hermit lifestyle and being "brought up into God in the high heavens and glory" and all that theological holy smoke
we wont cut it in Gods eyes
we are righteouss through faith

so we accept Gods grace and love
or if we cant, because we're too proud, and obstinate in our legalism, and rather damn ourselves
we ask God to help us
and thats the beauty of grace
not that God doesnt help those who help themselves
but He also helps those who cant

im was planning to maybe post up the rest of the vietnam pics i took, but im too lazy, and blogger proved to be uncooperative the first time round
so that will take some time to get done
since im the kind of procrastination anyways

mmm

wells,
christmas is over-rated
i think growing up takes away alot of the magic?
presents are cool, till u realise the financial pressure something like christmas puts on ur parents?
hahaha
gosh
i think i like being a wet blanket some times

mmm
for those of you who didnt make the trip down to chc to watch tim wan's cameo,
the drama totally rocked
like wow
really really impressive
if u dun believe me, go look for the webcast
nothing like seeing it urself to believe it

i think our beef never was with the rules or myopic focus on revival
i think what i hated was that you let that goodboy revivalist personnae get set up as the societal archetype
which now that i think about it really kinda sucked
i mean wad happened to different body parts making up one body?

so much about holiness and consecration
but u let so many, too many fall through the holes
sure u preached abt reaching the lost, and loving others
but u allowed for the social labels and isolation

while Jesus dined with sinners
we became much like the pharisees in our close-knit group of "holy consecrated" people
Jesus loved the sinners
sure we did at first, when they were still new, fresh, unassimilated
but did we continue to show love when a year or two down the road
they seemed unchristian to us?

labels, suspicious eyes and feeling of being a second class christian
how many people have we lost because of these

im here in nam. reading a book chaos promoted
and suddenly epiphany
i realise how i was mislead and well i wouldnt call it wasting a good 7-8 years of my youth
because im learning how een the most crappy experiences we go through and the most retarded mistakes we make, God still comes and uses it for His glory and our good....

but incomplete doctrine and teaching (i wont go so far as to call it wrong as wrong is a strong word)
has caused me to go round in circles for quite awhile
chasing my own tail and several illusive rainbows and dreams
living in uncalled for guilt and shame
trapped in that sick cycle of self-deprecation
tearing myself down needlessly countless times

i mean no fault of wrong motive of theirs
teaching us about the need for holiness which is swell
and calling us to repent of our sins and turn to God
which is all butterflies and roses

but they leave us there, with this idea that with accountability and Gods strength, overcoming should be no problem
and then we fail
we fall slip slide
and we dont want to tell no one
cause the whole accountability plan was nice in theory
but some of us didnt fit into it


and then we kick ourselves over our lack of ability
our stark decadence
our sin
and we feel condemned


we try to enter into Gods presence
but were not able to seperate ourselves from our sin in our heads
and we trick ourselves into thinking us unworthy
we long to be inhibited in Gods presence
but we've grown to be too selfaware for that

we decide to damn ourselves
since Gods too stoic to do it Himself
and we waste so much precious time
so much time
on meaningless guilt trips

if only they taught us properly about grace
not just that its wad we recieve that we dont deserve
but also that we're bound to fail
that success rate isnt what makes up the victorious christian life
that focusing on guilt isnt the way
thats its ok to not be ok
that we should learn to accept Gods love
that forgiveness comes before repentance
not the other way round
so we would come to God
without running around trying to earn brownie points first

now im in ho chi minh city
thankfully the hotel provides free wifi
and my mom brought her laptop
mmm we touched down at erm 2ish 1ish if u take reference from local time, they are one hour behind spore

so yeah
really cool place, although its taking some getting used to

traffics kinda nut,
lots of scooters and motorbikes swarming around
they're travelling slowly though(not that theres room to speed )

crossing the road is also kinda crazy,
u step right out into the midst of the swarm and it flows around u as u make ur way across

i kinda feel like joshua stepping into the jordan everytime i cross

after checking in and getting comfy in our room
my mom and I visited an art museum
some really cool oil on canvas paintings
now im not sure if we were allowed to take photographs
but oh wells it was worth the 1 dollar we paid

then we walked around a Vietnamese flea market and saw all the polo Ralph Lauren knock offs and finally ate some Vietnamese beef noodles for dinner

supper was at tutti frutty yoghurt
over here, u pay for ur desert by how much it weighs
a lot of DIY

night traffic was heavier than day traffic
it was scarier also because of the lights

so yeah all in all had fun

so yeah, now im reading the ragamuffin gospel by brennan manning, chaos fav author

here's something interesting from todays reading

the story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God.

"They wont let me in God, because im a sinner"

"What are you complaining about?" said God. "They wont let Me in either."

Often hobbling through our church doors on Sunday morning comes grace on crutches- sinners still unable to throw away their false supports and stand upright in the freedom of teh children of God. Yet their mere presence in teh church on Sunday morning is a flickering candle represetning a desire to maintain contact with God. To douse the flame is to plunge them into a world of spiritual darkness.

There is a myth flourishing in the church today that has caused incalculable harm: onc e converted, fully converted. In other words, once I accept JEsus Christ as my Lord and SAvior, an irreversible, sinless future beckons. Discipleship will be an untarnished success story; life will be an unbroken upward spiral toward holiness. Tell that to poor Peter who, after three times professing his love for Jesus on the beach and after recieving the fullness of the Spirit at Pentecost, wasw still jealoujs of Paul's apostolic success.

Often i have been asked, "Brennan, how is it possible that you became an alcoholic after you got saved?" it is possible bcause i got battered and bruised by loneliness and failure; because i got discouraged, uncertain, guilt-ridden, and took my eyes off Jesus. Because the Christ-encounter did not transfigure me into an angel. Because justification by grace through faith means I have been set in right relationship with god. not made the equivalent of a patient etherized on a table.

some people have asked me what im looking for in a church

i tell them, im not only looking for a church

if i answer honestly,

i think it would be something along the lines of a church where the preaching is intellectual and theologically sound enough, while still being entertaining,

where the worship is loud, uninhibited, while still being techinically sound, and full of great riffs, in-tune gifted singing, and talented musicians not full enough of themselves such that they contribute but dont over do it

and a sound system that kicks ass, and makes all the talented people sound better

where the people there are beautiful, but not in love with themselves, they are deep but not too beyond reach,

and the frienships are fast, strong but not clingy,

where the people all love each other on so many levels but dun end up cliquey

and the table talk is fun, full of rubbish half the time, but the other half, serious meaninful objective, brilliant and enriching and touch the issues so close to the depth of our hearts

no seriously

what i really want now is to find a church

where i can live in, grow in, contribute to, and just really encounter God in

where if possible, i can find some like minded friends who will push me on

where i wont mind pourng my sweat and blood into again,

i want to find a place that wont reject me, just because i sin, or because im tied down by certain vices that im unable to give up at the moment

who wont label me bad or wrong just because i believe in slightly different things or thing differently

who preach about the victorious life, but at the same time now how falliable i am and teach me how its all about Gods grace, not about how holy i manage to keep myself, not about how many hours i manage to pray while staying awake

a place that will help me find my destiny,

even if its quite outside the archetype of a revivalist or an evangelist

so anyways, i just came back from FACT CAMP 2008 with ang mo kio Methodist church
its chaos church, for those not in the know

so anyways
thanks chaos
it was real pleasant
although at first i was apprehensive
and it was weird, going to a church camp of another church,
it turned out pretty well

Josiah was a kick ass group
sure, we weren't exactly made up of similar people,
and they werent very enthu or siao on at the start
but we came together to play games and talk crap
and it became a melting pot, where we discussed really lame things such as cheesy pick up lines
and hannah montanna
hahaha
but seriously, we opened up to each other abit, and thats when we bonded, so it was way cool

and yeah, i got to know some really awesome people
sure most of them were younger than me by a couple of years, some even more
but i was thoroughly impressed by some of them
and i guess it kinda makes me regret that i didnt do more for God when i was younger
still they said i look young, so that should count for something

i kinda wish the camp was longer so i could get to know people better, but i guess any longer and chao yuan might end up with eye bags he can carry stuff in
we may keep in touch, maybe not
well it was great,
you all were awesome
till we meet again, if we meet again

anyways God didnt speak in that "clear audible" voice
and im still not sure where im headed,
but yeah
i learnt quite a bit
and thats wads impt
so yeah
maybe the deadline i gave myself for settling down in a church is running down
but i thank God anyways, for showing that He's still there
and that im still in his Hands

well im running out of things to say,
which really is a reflection of the degratory state army life left my creative writing ability
so im off i guess
cheeros

because i now have a phone with a camera and bluetooth capabilities
i shall start off this post with a photo of the best drink ever
toffee nut latte
and yes
i had one today
=D

annals of a civillian

me being the chivalric gentleman that i am
i allowed an entire 80 minutes to pass
but in the end i still won
ordering at 1321
and being served 1323
i totally won
hahahahaha

i mean sure the guy serving me doesnt deserve to be called a barista
smiling while serving people is obviously not part of his skill set
and he over frothed the milk which resulted in a rather foamy latte
mmm

oh wells
these minor setbacks still do not spoil the sweet taste of victory

score one for my new found career as a civillian
oh wells
on with the rest of my life

and angels fall from the sky

you've lost your wings and your grace, all you're left is a pretty face

those who know what im talking abt probably wont read my blog
which is good

why did you give so much
how could you lose so much just to fit

i dont regret it,
but i dont think id want to go thru it again
hopefully im not compelled to

you let them take your innocence
you let them take your glow


it wasnt exactly discomforting
and i can totally see why others are into it
you can lose yourself in the midst of it, the sensuality, the surreality
become a new person, whatever you desire to mould yourself into
well within limitations
but its just not my thing

let them rape the things that set you apart

to me it kind of felt like an epileptic fit gone rabid
part of me wished i could foam at the mouth at will

and yet your eyes still twinkle

mmm
the company was not bad though
seeing familiar faces in an unfamiliar environment
its interesting to observe how friends change, and grow
or in some cases fall so far from what we assumed

or have your eyes always twinkled
even when your smile goes hollow

something went really cold inside
when i glimpsed into your new world

while u become the painted mask others forced on you
and your eyes go on twinkling forever
like the last light from a dying star

wad happened to you
you still smile nowadays
but seeing it just makes me mourn for you