the old man in the cardboard box

desolute, broken
a hollow kernal,
my insides bleeding away

trapped by the past,
clinging on to glories, which like the byzantium empire, lie desolate and forgetten

like a caged beast,
beyond the initial savagery in its eyes
subsists a crushed spirit

oh, woe to those who are left behind
to the forgotten warriors
Valhalla's rejects

serendipity
to be the victorious dead

survivors are the ones who live haunted lives,
negotiating with ghosts from a distant time

maybe one day i will catch up with the times
or maybe it may catch up with me

until then
i guess this murky existance will have to continue
this insipid monochrome will continue to dye my vision
save me

discontent

there has been of late,
a silent knawing at my heart
and uncomfortable discontent with certain dilemmas i face around me
moral choices, maybe not that obvious or clear
issues i don't wish to deal with sprout up
confrontations with aspects i thought natural to my being
and of course
where there are people there are bound to be problems
hahah
it creates a problem
when the rules u set for urself,
the rules behind relationships suddenly seem constricting
and u begin silent coup

hai well
sometimes when we see someone close to us struggle,
we feel pain for them
so many people around me
struggling
hai
honestly, i think it's getting hard for me to voice my opinion
maybe because i have ceased to have a politically correct one
or maybe i just don't know myself anymore

Retrospection

It has been some time since I blogged seriously
haven't really had the time
nor the motivation
the common test is over
did ok I guess
comparatively to others
hmm
I have realized that I lack motivation
I have always known this
but this is the first time it has become a glaring need
usually even in my lackadaisical state i know i can pull through academically
well
guess its time i hit the books
soon
hahah

anyways i have realised that i have many friends around
hmm
this may not seem like a big deal to most people
but to a laconic loner like me
i guess it's really testiment to God's goodness
hmm

realized that i no longer blog poems
haha
it started mostly with poems
maybe ive lost touch with my poetic side
haha
or maybe just havent had the mood

wad tempermental creatures we turn out to be

honestly my spiritual life of late has fluctuated quite abit
ocasional highs interrupting periods of lows
hmm
gotta do something abt it
maybe time for a lifestyle change
perhaps

today service was one of the few times i got minsitered to
hmm
maybe because i got a lecture b4 service..........
haha
hmm
but ya
God ministered to me
in what seems like a long time
hmm
didnt expect him to bring up the area of pride
well
haha
been struggling with pride and a host of areas for some time
hai
miss having someone to share with
hmm
nearly got into a fight with someone
hmm
i didnt do anything
hmm
dunno lah
see how it goes lah

stunned myself today...
said something in the midst of a highly irritated state
not to anyone in particular
just an inaudible comment under my breath
but i guess the fact still remains

hai
maybe i can excuse that action
it was done in a highly irrationaly state...
where emotions run high...
and good intentions are the last thing we think about

but then again
if i am half the sentient being i pride myself in being
then i suppose its not really excusable

the stuff we say...
the things we do
that come naturally when we don't think
or when emtions run high....
arent they a reflection of who we are under that mask of premeditative action and reactions?

the words and actiosn we plan are a reflection of our intentions...
or maybe the intentions are subtly hidden behind the good-will which exists as a means to some unscruplous end...
but in the end
i guess the ugly side only shows when our mask slip...

the ugly side..
very much part of us
maybe more so than the act we put on to impress people

the stuff i say when no-one hears....
the stuff i do when no-one sees or knows
maybe that is who i am....
the subconscious aspect at least

well
i suppose that being human...
i am in nature... a waif...
a blackguard..
a rebellious fallen.... creature,
the product of sin

hmm
maybe it wasnt always this way
maybe in the beginning man found it easy to please God, easy to submit
but well, man fell, chose not to submit once
and thus lost the control over the will..
lost the ability to submit...
lost the ability love God out of his nature....
i guess it might seem tough
but well
it was always a condition of rebelling against the one through whom we get the all the authority and ability listed above
it was a stupid thing to do... maybe
i mean to hope hold onto the gifts even when rebelling against the source
but well
stupidity reigned i guess..

anyway
as a result
now....
we're a disgusting bunch of by products
creatures by nature supposed to be fair, terrible and awesome
now twisted in their very nature by sin
to become ugly, pathetic, and disgusting

im not making an excuse for who i am
yes, it maybe my nature...
something that i didn't chose but inherited....
but still
being in the state that i am
i am and well should be disgusted at the state i am
the actions i perform...
the result of a nature not of my choosing
still are... sins,
and i am well aware and ashamed of that fact...
well
i guess the only right reaction would be to change
but ya
guess thats what i always trying to do
always will be trying i guess
until maybe im done here
then another path we take up my preoccupation...

hmm
want to end up with a lesson i learnt from a certain elderly and well-respected member of the teaching staff at my alma mater(cough cough... im talking rubbish) Julia Huang....
she wasnt well loved
particularly by me
but i did learn stuff from her

that all the recent hype about the power of the subconscious and the wealth and treasure in unlocking its capabilities is bull
the man being man.... has the tendency to sin
this being subconscious...
the subconscious leaves us open to many things...
and many beings..
some not having very amiable intentions..
so
well
instead, invest in the conscious mind
filling it with culture and knowledge..
making character and culture second nature..
the betterment of the individual
hmm
well
i shall stop here
and haha
maybe start walking the talk........

the more things i presuppose and say
the bigger the hypocrite i become
well
i suppose we all must start by being hypocrites..
but well
let me not be the one to stay there

the recent common tests have made me come to several conclusions

for one, i am to a certain extent apathetic abt my academic future...
hmm
didnt really study hard for the common test
didnt study at all for chinese
although i need a d to get into uni
hmm

strangely ive been enjoying the test period
late nights
late mornings
eating instant noodles at home b4 going to sch
hahah

but ya
i come back relatively earlier from school
guess its a kind of break from both the usual rush of school and the mundaneness of the holis
a strange balance

on more serious matters...
honestly i feel kind of left out/behind from the recent hmm
bustle of activity in church
everyone else just seems so enthusiastic and doing so much
i dun share in excitement and passion
makes one wonder
am i really aloof and unfeeling?

at least im not the only one feeling this way
hmm
even though God is really working
can see the enemy's work all around
both in my own life
as well as wad i see in others
hai
i guess it is true that everyday is a struggle, both against our flesh and the enemy
it may seem wierd
but sometimes i feel more attached to sfc people than church people
maybe bcos of the lack of ppl in church around my age grp....

im probably gonna get into trouble for certain actions of mine......
hmm
i dun really feel that they were wrong things to do
but
well
"certain" people dun seem to think so
anyways
it seems my opinion doesnt really matter to "them"
well
to the people it does matter to
im sorry if i dun think the way i shd
and i thank you for caring abt my opinion

i'd really like to use this space on my blog to thank glen ong-the pope....
An ode to the pope.....
haha

thanks so much for your contributions to the youth min
especially in your helping out with the sound system
you are a mentor, teacher, friend and father to us in many ways...
i remember the days when i used to visit your office after school
enjoy air con and ur company
i also the old days of sfc
thanks for making the time really fruitful
i learnt alot from those times
and i really valued those few hours spent in the chapel
they were the most refreshing and valuable hours on school days
and thank you for the things you taught me, the things you said to me to encourage me
many times confusion was just so rampant in my mind
and i was struggling to the point of giving up
but u came along and gave ur two cents
and ya
it made a great difference in my situations

you were always there to spur me on
gently enough not to hurt
but provocative enough to invoke to action...
you gave alot of us the example to follow
gave us hope i knowing that it was/is possible to get so far from wad we in our rotten detestable state are
through your testimony
u gave hope to a pessimistic gloom addict
that maybe it isnt all that hopeless
that we can overcome, maybe not through our own strength but thru Gods...
and i thank you
for everything
may the hard work sweat and tears u invested in me
and the hope, love and expectations you place in me and on me not go to waste
i pray