I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind
In your mind
Changing myself, just to stand alone in your eyes
In your eyes
Pull me in, take me out, make me over

lifehouse rocks
lols
well aside from stating the obvious
if you think their records are good,
you should see them perform live

and i shall dispel the myth
they are not a christian band?
and yeah
although their lead singer/songwriter is
as per their interview
they are in it for the music

so anyways, for those interested
how am i
mmmmmmm
i dont really like answering that question at this point
cause, well good besides being a generalisation, isnt fitting at all
and i'd probably give a sardonic answer like "breathing" (sorry emm)
but i guess i really should reflect abit?

well im not exactly rejoicing in my present circumstances
well euphemisms aside
mm
im kinda enjoying going around visiting?
maybe too much
been to some churches i find quite comfortable
haha
but no ideas yet
gosh
how am i on a personal spiritual basis?
gosh
i have no idea how to answer that
i guess that doesnt mean anything good?
i guess im not exempt from disappointment and doubt

but i guess like whats new right
like i said
this isnt just a search for a new church
i think ive lost/never had much a sense of purpose/destiny
so its kinda a roadtrip to find that

if i dao ur msgs
well tts bcos im antisocial and dun mind being mean
if you didnt know that already
well
maybe i shd include that into my introduction next time

hi im jeremy quek
im mean and slightly antisocial

so anyways
to be honest
i dont miss rcc
although i guess i act like i do sometimes?

i havent really been contemplating the present predicament
been filling my time with things to do
i guess avoiding the questions with answers i dun have
or dun want to admit

being busy is fun?
i guess
makes it seem strange that there was a time i did little but hurt alot
from basically just musing

but i do miss having a ministry
gosh
maybe i made it an idol
but i do miss the days
when we sat round with a guitar
and play the few songs we did master
sing our hearts out
too caught up in just the act to taint the intent
it wasnt grand
but it changed me inside
slowly

where do i go from here?

im being a big idiot
and i dun know how to proceed

i hope i dun lose myself
i hope i dun lose you

wishful thinking of a depraved mind

so your utopia breaks apart, and your world crashes in around you
chips hit the floor as all you ever trusted dulls and changes to plastic
oh what a happy deluded lot we were
thinking that it would last forever

so what are we now?
what will we show ourselves to be?
im the troll from under the bridge
im the thing that goes bump in the night
im the disfigured face behind the painted mask

want to know the truth?
im loving this,
every moment of it
because the presumptions are gone
where chains of burecracy and social expectations fall loose
and anarchy reigns
finally we can discover whom we really are

but You reached out into my darkness

today was kinda brought close to tears
by the passage in matthew 5
the beattitudes
which talk about how God blesses the poor in spirit.... etc

the speaker mentioned how our poverty is like those of beggars
who in our shame dare not show ourselves in the light
but hide in darkness just reaching out our hands for alms

and how God comes, and reaches down to us
and brings us up and out of the darkness

all good, nice and important lessons
but how much of it do we end up remembering and applying
before routine and life comes and dilutes it or takes it away

its so easy to go from one moment being humble
to delighting in ones own "humility" or breakthrough in thought

but i guess thats the uphill struggle we all fight

and that moment
that glimpse of Your face
of touching part of You in worship

must count for something
shdnt it?

im not really looking for a church primarily
and i dun really have a plan?
im just looking for God where He may be found
to go to that place where trivial pursuits fade, yet make sense
and see where He leads from there

for those of you whom i havent told yet
im going
erm
im not dying of cancer, nor am i going overseas
but yeah
ive decided that one season of my life is behind me
its strange really
i used to despise church hoppers
but now im one?
mmm
theres this principle, that its not only what you're running from
but what you're escaping towards
but i dun have such lofty goals

ive lost something
and im just trying to find it
to find that bit of myself
im not trying to justify myself
and i wont

im at peace with myself and God
and i guess thats plenty for me

strange
i started by asking God to bring me beyond the superficiality into something deeper
something that counted
something alongst the lines of fulfilling destiny
im not sure how ive come to this place
maybe its my own willfulness
well
out into the wilderness
even after years
Nebuchadnezzar managed to humble himself

mmmm
so far those whom feel led to invite me please do
i kinda hate planning my own itinerant
so it'll help

and for those who think im sadly deluded and running away
then go practice your christian virtue and pray for my soul
or something useful along that line instead of giving me ur disapproving comments

because of chao yuans blog,
after spotting "blue like jazz" in a christian bookshop
ive taken the plunge
and well although ive not stumbled upon that amazing alluring passage abt love,
both the failing of our own fleshly love, and the all consuming, all giving, all taking love of God and how as christians we should emulate that love

but i think ive already been quite taken by the author
with his vulnerability
he's honest, and tries at depth while trying to make sense
and he's a CS Lewis fan

well,
he may not have insight like Lewis
but he tries
and thats important

and i found his recounting of how he messed up a date to watch romeo and juliet
by mentioning sacarstically they're dead to some girls who happened to comment how they wanted to experience love like R&J
maybe im a fatalist
but i think its very true his point
how we pursue love, expecting our worlds to change when we find love
but we will be disappointed by it
bitterly

well
of course death is a change too

mmm
he said something in mention
the point he was making was kind of how in sudnay school
they tend to teach "children stories" of noah and the animals and the garden of eden
without realising how much stout, and immense and "adult" christian truth is hidden there
i depraved and twisted mind picked up on this immediately
noah's story is an amazing tale on Gods faithfulness to the faithful

but they forget dont they
that its also a tale of Gods judgement on mankind
leading to genocide save a handful

they forget too
the faithfulness noah possessed
those whom we see express the like now
we label zealots and cult leaders

to build that boat, at a time when before that there had never been a storm of that kind
in the face of the probable scoffing and mocking cries

probably a suitable alliteration we see in some wierdoes who build nuclear fallout shelters for themselves in fear of the pending nuclear apocalypse

and we are an evil people
evil in inclination from birth

perhaps the relief we have is that God did promise noah no more floods of that type
that he would never again kill like that

strange they dont teach this side of the story in church
i mean sure, you can justify that God has the right to wipe out the evil
but people nowadays arent really accepting of any reason or ideal which justify large scale taking of life
too many misled reasoning and ideals have led to the holocaust and the mass murdering of babies

mmm

so rarely do they talk about the judgement of God
how his judgement is swift and terrible
how our God really is a terrible terrible being, and i mean this in all respect

now under a convenant of grace,
they so rarely talk abt judgement
about how because of all that God has done for us,
if we spit on His grace
even those from Sodom and Gomorrah are in better standing than us

yes yes
we dont preach on such stuff to prevent ourselves from sounding old fashioned, fundamentalistic and dogmatic
but it is true

was it right for God to kill all these people without giving them the choices and chances we get nowadays?

well that question is flawed
because we have no idea what kind of choices or chances and under what circumstances they lived in
the had the stories of adam and enoch didnt they?

but even if we are to answer that lousy question the answer is still yes
God has the right

it is not for us to call God unfair
because He is fair, not in our notions but beyond them
evil does deserve judgement
that He chose to show us such grace
yet we still spit on it

we cant shy away from his judgement and embrace his grace
then again we were doomed from the start
only through Him can we ever make sense of Him

no
im not interested really in revamping any childrens ministry
cos i dun have a better idea
although i think teaching kids they we are damned beyond correction
but grace equivocally exists is an attractive idea
although i think it'll give them nightmares
i think kids should learn from the start
that we live in an unfair world
and we are damned creatures all of us
more the sinners and mockers than noah
yet God went beyond Himself
and let us be like those animals which boarded the ark

a remnant that remains for Him
not by our merit
but because He chooses us
and yes, by all means remind them of His faithfulness His promises, His love and His provision
but not without the full picture
the terrible and loving God
not the benevolent and ever-pleasing grandfather


but i think im fumbling with faith again
what it is to me really
personally
not what some congregation has sold me for the past few years

im not, and have never been the kind who will kneel down on the altar and cry for a lost generation again and again
although i do feel such pangs once in awhile
they are far and in between

im not able to accept any doctrine or teaching wholesale without some misgivings
and i treat interpretations of the word exactly as they are interpretations

im probably not what they would call a healthy memeber of the congregation
and im no noah
i think identify more with those who mocked him

maybe the reason im still around is because i fear the raging waters

im not going to sit around and assume these misgivings will disappear with time
after i get used to things
or community some how assimilates my rough corners

i dun subscribe to a policy of submit just because
it works for mindless nuts like you
but not for everyone
show me something worthy of submitting to and i will
im not gonna be held hostage just because there are others
vulnerable ones
young ones

im gonna find my faith
not giving a damn about the rules of our religon anymore
to go find God where He may be found
no matter what people say
after its my faith im trying to find
not my face in front of You

i caught an opera on friday
enjoyed quite abit suprisingly
though i didnt like the ending, though no fault of puccinis other than the fact that he had to die before writing the ending
i identified alot with the notions of unrequited love, of going all out for someones smile
and sadly, i identified with how we can be so cold and so terrible

its been a rollercoaster of late
but whats new right?
except
this sunday has been a first for me
a first whereby the idea of changing church has gone from a notion of toying
to something im seriously considering
for all my noble reasons for staying
ive become something incapable of nobility
and ive lost all the human parts of me that can be tied down

anyways
on to greener pastures
i am thouroughly blown away by tan chao yuans blog

one of the funniest and most memorable jokers i have ever known

he never fails to lower my guard and then blow me away with that secret guarded depth he hides behind the facade of lame corniness and shameless bantering and joking

i think thru him im beginning to really grasp a line i read in a book "a million little pieces"
we laugh because it sure beats crying about the sad state of our lives

another imperfect quote, since my memory lacks graphic accuracy

and a misquote
because life with tan chao yuan is rarely sad,
and the the tears still do flow, cause he makes us laugh too hard

but he'd better not read this lest his head inflate

im so bummed
and i think part of me inside is dying
maybe this is the way things have to go
to let the wilfulness die off

its sobering really
to know these sides of ones self
and still dare us dream of grandeur

sometimes i wonder
am i doing all of this just to get some attention
like some ADD kid
just to get some pity points

or have i gone beyond that
and just forgotten how to be fine

we all need help sometimes
sometimes we need a shoulder to lean on

sometimes i wonder if that could be my all
to live for others
to be stoic and strong and act alive for the sake of others
but i dont think im made of such stiff stuff

and to be honest i doubt that i care

maybe i just need some rest
to find some respite wherever that is
but ive found myself in You
in the moments when everything else didnt matter
except screaming Your name with the lungs i had left

maybe i dont love You
maybe its all a facade
like how my life doesnt point in that direction

maybe
maybe
but if this facade is all i have
then so be it
cause i choose this facade over the reality that is presented to me
so please bear with me awhile
till my love for You changes from this act of a pharisee
to something real inside

i dont know why
but i still want to be the shoulders you can lean on