excuse me? do u noe where i can find joy

in case ur wondering

no, i am not refering to the name of a girl

just some distant shangri-la that ive heard of in folklore

hmm

no really

what is joy?

i suppose the most direct answer would be delighting in our identity in God, and in what he has done for us on the cross, and in the love and glory that we can bring to Him......

but than that would be quite far from what im capable of thinking about

at least for now, with my brain running on half the oxygen needed

lol

excuses

but really,

for me, for now

i guess its learning not to resent, and bring Him, something sacrificial

something pleasing...

something of worth

a side note, i want to change my blog song, but thats later....

hmm

i dunno,

joy hasnt exactly been one of my strengths..

i learnt to sigh since primary school

stare at the clouds and lament my situation

wallow in the melodrama of life, and the like

hmm

well

i guess one could call it perspective...

looking at the sides we choose to see

but i refuse to see joy as seeing the birds chirping and the rainbow and the flowers

hmm

i guess joy is seeing all the shit in life and knowing that God has everything in order....

well

we're seeking Heaven arent we

and i guess we'll nvr reach there until we finally let go and learn to look up

and learn to rejoice in the fact that we cant do anything rite and that everything has been set in place for us already

walking on a knife's edge

i guess the only thing we fail to see sometimes is the omnipotent One who asked us to walk the line carrying us

well

if we could percieve such mysteries

well i guess we'd see more of Heaven playing out through our lives.

hey, its me in the library typing again
seems like boredom drives people to blog,
i must live a terribly boring life
hmm

so much has happened,
now i find myself in a queer state of affairs
hmm
i guess on one hand im staying for now
on the other, i dont really wish to burden myself with the extra affairs of a local parish.... lol

hmm
well God's been speaking
in strange languages...

now He's sayign things like i need to find joy
joy in service
joy in living for Him
i guess He is right

like He can ever be wrong...

i suppose that other than with fear and trembling, we need to work out our salvation with a smile on our faces and a skip in our stride
wheee

well
whatever it is, i suppose i must press on
it is the only way... to reconcile my faith with my life
anything inbalanced will sooner or later have to reconcile...
id rather be the one to do it
i guess im learning to answer for my stubborness and aloofness in the past.
we reap what we sow
we get to taste the bitter harvest of our mistakes and stupidity...
well at least im happy
or im trying to be

whee

i guess im finally realising,
that depth is not how difficult our words are,
or how complex our algorithms appear to be...
its simply how what is on the inside, and how the crux of the matter, that finally being God, is reconciled and amplified throughout,
beyond wording and numbers,
the essence of being,
being captured, because that is what we know and hold onto.

here i am in school blogging
wow
its amazing
so much free time in sch
none at home
this world is imbalanced
everything abounding in all the wrong places.

i guess this rule applies to more than just my leisure distribution

its strange really,
i had to depart from an insistance on certain things i considered to be my cornerstone in order to find myself.

no i have not lost my faith or backslided,
and no i have not suddenly accepted some occultic doctrine
at least i hope ive not.

i guess its just learning to accept and make do with what i have left
or at least what ive been given
i suppose its learning one deep truth,
that u nvr really own ur life until u give it away to God freely

maybe i stopped trying to hold on and survive
so i finally learnt to live

then again
there are so many unreconciled areas and factors in my life
and as all good physics and sociatal algorithms tell us
all imbalances will be reconciled one way or the other,
its just a matter of the speed, smoothness of the transition and i suppose how pleasant the transition

maybe im buying myself time,
maybe im running away again
seems to be the only thing im really good at doing.

or maybe i need to heed that b-grade line...
u have only been fleeing
you havent learnt to run

i wanted to blog daily, or at least weekly,
but now i think if update at least once a month, it would be above expectations....
lol
the pass months/weeks have been really amazing
in terms of consistency,
i think my walk has never been as consistent.
but i guess to other people it would never look so slipshod
i have begun finally to understand some truths, and some archetypes, and norms that i accepted till now have fallen away.
conventions have been lost, at least some of them are lost to me
its quite interesting really
so much to do
and im enjoying 90 per cent of it
more than i could have expected.
yet the joys and comforts i held to in the past are gone
if i seem to go on rumbling without a point, its probably cos i dun noe how to put my point into words
i have nvr been one for beautiful expression
so i shant try
i once told someone i didnt like making promises especially since i probably wont keep them
i used to believe that it was better to be sincere, and just try
since we probably will fail
i guess im coming to realise how sometimes we must promise even when we tread a knife-edge,
because we have no other choice
because if we arent willing to give our futures to Him,
and go against all that fate may throw against us
we will never become all that He intends for us to become

havent been blogging for a long while
sorry
if anyone reads my blog at all...
school has been murder
ouside school activities... hmm
well
lets just say tt i comparatively prefer going to school sometimes

anyway
there has been a role-play in my head going on for some time

Hi, i'm Simon
Hi Simon
I'm.... a leper....
Everyone in the circle doesnt seem stunned...
a man seating next to him pats Simon on the back with what's left of his hand....

welcome to Lalaland
also known as the leper association

nowadays, u dont even need to be a leper to have no friends
people walk around, with a chip in their shoulder,
their disposition crying out unclean

Maybe for that reason we treasure the account of the leper so much
because Jesus not only brough healing to him
but He touched him
something people wouldnt think of doing

we call ourselves the follower's of Christ,
a people called by God, to walk in his ways, and in a way,
become a small piece of Him on earth
but how many times do we shun the social and spiritual lepers around us?

true faith has a way of showing itself
commitment, time, spiritual fruits...
but looking retrospectively,
i seem to have none
yeah
i noe im shallow
but it seems that public opinion is all for letting loose of every inate thought and opinion,
as if everyone wants and deserves to know

well enough of that line of thought anyway

hmm
talked to someone recently,
although i must admit i wasnt to intothe the conversation
but yeah
touched on something important
how do we know if we are called to a place
according to the persons answer, if we are there, usually we're called there
and something else about a sense of purpose, and knowing about knowing
hmm
the first one i suppose goes for every situation,
but the other 2?
well
the conversation was quite a roundabout
probably my fault, cause i naturally assume everyone to be psychic.
hmm
but yeah
got there at last
well
this is my response,
even if i dont feel like staying,
i dread it
i guess i have to drag my feet there
cause i havent been called out yet
so i shall try not to scowl
and try not to beat up those im about to beat up
try
yeah
but yeah, dun ask for some enthusiastic response from me,
cause i dun have one to give u

ebeneezer scrooge

i hate christmas,
i wont hide that fact
at least, i hate christmas church services....
hai
honestly, i sometimes feel like that character from Charles Dickens tale
being too caught up in meaningless chases, in my case, the castle i conjur up in my head
and lose sight of what christmas is really about

i am ashamed of the gospel
i have no choice now but to accept that fact now

i make so many bold promises and proclimations
but i fail to deliver

God forgive this pharisee

so this bear is wounded
yes
badly wounded

despite my sometimes apparently stoic outlook,
at least i hope its stoic
i guess im driven by many basic desires, and emotions
and many of them just so cowardly and shameful
its no wonder i want to appear stoic

the truth is
i guess im scared
im scared of what the world will look like the moment i step out of this topsy turvy one of my own creation
im scared of losing face
im scared of breaking my pride

its quite ironic
im scared of stepping out in faith
but im scared of getting left behind

im probably the butt of many cosmic jokes
no wonder my 7mth old cousin likes to look at me with his ever big eyes and laugh
haha
maybe he senses my struggles and finds it so funny
or maybe he likes fat dudes
lol

on to a side topic that doesnt matter
i like young kids and babies
maybe because they are innocent and arent tt complicated
yet
...

if u're wondering my post seems more unreadable than usual
its because something someone wrote in a card to me touched me
it may suprise you to find out who
but seriously
id better go do some self reflection
hmm
better yet
id better go talk to my big boss
lol
before my heart hardens over again

old hand

the title probably will have nothing to do with the post...
then again, this whole blog probably is the closest thing to spontaneous random
often i start writing something
and by the time im halfway through ive lost the initial inspiration,
and im powering my way through using pure will
i used to think blogging was a form of artistic expression
but looking at my own writing
i guess its probably a playground
for little schoolboys who think of real art, probably similar to what a cow thinks of art
to try and make something out of the sand
hmm
building sandcastles

so often we think and think
but no matter how deep we seem to go
all we need is a little pain, a little reality
and we're back to primitive instinct
hai

so this is what the outer court feels like
to have to look in
im beginning to understand and truly appreciate what someone said some time ago
haah
a synonym for love is time
the first time i heard it i thought what utter rubbish it was
love was love
what did it have to do with time
i guess i had to fall away to realise that time is the one gift we have due to our existance within time-space
when we become part of eternity or when we transcend time
put it whatever way u wish
i guess this commodity will no longer be in our hands
so as the bible says
where our heart is
there our treasure will also be
and time is one of our greatest treasure

taking that view point
i realise that i dont love God
now dont be astonished
i mean
ok
fine
im quite shocked myself
but i suppose looking at the fact that i spent the whole of last week playing 60% computer games during my waking moments
the de facto assumption would be i love com games more than God
which is quite sad
i can understand why Saint Peter could only say he loved God as a friend when asked whether he loved God enough to sacrifice his life for God
hmm
im amazed he could even say that
cos if i was asked that question
i would run from it
deny it
probably find some delusion to catch myself up into
cause the answer just frightens me
then again
the question has always been posed
and i guess ive always been running

Do you love me?

sometimes i wonder if i do at all
since so often my actions and words reflect otherwise
i suppose at this point i shall have to stop and comfort myself that i am probably in the midst of a process whereby i have to learn to love God
but dang
it hurts
the knowledge that saying yes at this point would make me a hypocrite

recently i watched king kong
yes it does rhyme with ping pong but tts not the point
its a good movie
but i cant say i thouroughly enjoyed myself
probably because im embarassed at the fact that the character i identify with the most is black, hairy, and is 20-25 feet tall, and beats his breast after ripping apart T-rexes jaw or any poor creature that makes it mad

hmm
i mean
i like my stubble but really
i guess chris was right in saying that the path we tread is not the easy one
but its the only one we can take
cos if dont take it
well
put it simply
we deny ourselves the only shred of true humanity we ever had
subserveance to God
thats what we were created for i guess
tts y i sigh when we see a beautiful sunset
tts y i close my eyes to escape everytime i get a good americano
tts probably y i like stoning so much too
cos reality is
by twisted nature
we are running towards doom
and our hope is in an upwards struggle

well on a lighter note
ive realised that i havent started my xmas shopping
and it is coming quite soon
hmm
well if ur reading this
and u dont get anything for christmas
dont hold it against me
i started late
dang
my sis got me something
and i dun even noe what she likes
....
hai
well
if im naggy
thats bcos im old
hehe
so i have the right
right.....
for ur info
i think that crazed intoxication is bad
although is spend too much time thinking about it