havent been blogging for a long while
sorry
if anyone reads my blog at all...
school has been murder
ouside school activities... hmm
well
lets just say tt i comparatively prefer going to school sometimes

anyway
there has been a role-play in my head going on for some time

Hi, i'm Simon
Hi Simon
I'm.... a leper....
Everyone in the circle doesnt seem stunned...
a man seating next to him pats Simon on the back with what's left of his hand....

welcome to Lalaland
also known as the leper association

nowadays, u dont even need to be a leper to have no friends
people walk around, with a chip in their shoulder,
their disposition crying out unclean

Maybe for that reason we treasure the account of the leper so much
because Jesus not only brough healing to him
but He touched him
something people wouldnt think of doing

we call ourselves the follower's of Christ,
a people called by God, to walk in his ways, and in a way,
become a small piece of Him on earth
but how many times do we shun the social and spiritual lepers around us?

true faith has a way of showing itself
commitment, time, spiritual fruits...
but looking retrospectively,
i seem to have none
yeah
i noe im shallow
but it seems that public opinion is all for letting loose of every inate thought and opinion,
as if everyone wants and deserves to know

well enough of that line of thought anyway

hmm
talked to someone recently,
although i must admit i wasnt to intothe the conversation
but yeah
touched on something important
how do we know if we are called to a place
according to the persons answer, if we are there, usually we're called there
and something else about a sense of purpose, and knowing about knowing
hmm
the first one i suppose goes for every situation,
but the other 2?
well
the conversation was quite a roundabout
probably my fault, cause i naturally assume everyone to be psychic.
hmm
but yeah
got there at last
well
this is my response,
even if i dont feel like staying,
i dread it
i guess i have to drag my feet there
cause i havent been called out yet
so i shall try not to scowl
and try not to beat up those im about to beat up
try
yeah
but yeah, dun ask for some enthusiastic response from me,
cause i dun have one to give u

ebeneezer scrooge

i hate christmas,
i wont hide that fact
at least, i hate christmas church services....
hai
honestly, i sometimes feel like that character from Charles Dickens tale
being too caught up in meaningless chases, in my case, the castle i conjur up in my head
and lose sight of what christmas is really about

i am ashamed of the gospel
i have no choice now but to accept that fact now

i make so many bold promises and proclimations
but i fail to deliver

God forgive this pharisee

so this bear is wounded
yes
badly wounded

despite my sometimes apparently stoic outlook,
at least i hope its stoic
i guess im driven by many basic desires, and emotions
and many of them just so cowardly and shameful
its no wonder i want to appear stoic

the truth is
i guess im scared
im scared of what the world will look like the moment i step out of this topsy turvy one of my own creation
im scared of losing face
im scared of breaking my pride

its quite ironic
im scared of stepping out in faith
but im scared of getting left behind

im probably the butt of many cosmic jokes
no wonder my 7mth old cousin likes to look at me with his ever big eyes and laugh
haha
maybe he senses my struggles and finds it so funny
or maybe he likes fat dudes
lol

on to a side topic that doesnt matter
i like young kids and babies
maybe because they are innocent and arent tt complicated
yet
...

if u're wondering my post seems more unreadable than usual
its because something someone wrote in a card to me touched me
it may suprise you to find out who
but seriously
id better go do some self reflection
hmm
better yet
id better go talk to my big boss
lol
before my heart hardens over again

old hand

the title probably will have nothing to do with the post...
then again, this whole blog probably is the closest thing to spontaneous random
often i start writing something
and by the time im halfway through ive lost the initial inspiration,
and im powering my way through using pure will
i used to think blogging was a form of artistic expression
but looking at my own writing
i guess its probably a playground
for little schoolboys who think of real art, probably similar to what a cow thinks of art
to try and make something out of the sand
hmm
building sandcastles

so often we think and think
but no matter how deep we seem to go
all we need is a little pain, a little reality
and we're back to primitive instinct
hai

so this is what the outer court feels like
to have to look in
im beginning to understand and truly appreciate what someone said some time ago
haah
a synonym for love is time
the first time i heard it i thought what utter rubbish it was
love was love
what did it have to do with time
i guess i had to fall away to realise that time is the one gift we have due to our existance within time-space
when we become part of eternity or when we transcend time
put it whatever way u wish
i guess this commodity will no longer be in our hands
so as the bible says
where our heart is
there our treasure will also be
and time is one of our greatest treasure

taking that view point
i realise that i dont love God
now dont be astonished
i mean
ok
fine
im quite shocked myself
but i suppose looking at the fact that i spent the whole of last week playing 60% computer games during my waking moments
the de facto assumption would be i love com games more than God
which is quite sad
i can understand why Saint Peter could only say he loved God as a friend when asked whether he loved God enough to sacrifice his life for God
hmm
im amazed he could even say that
cos if i was asked that question
i would run from it
deny it
probably find some delusion to catch myself up into
cause the answer just frightens me
then again
the question has always been posed
and i guess ive always been running

Do you love me?

sometimes i wonder if i do at all
since so often my actions and words reflect otherwise
i suppose at this point i shall have to stop and comfort myself that i am probably in the midst of a process whereby i have to learn to love God
but dang
it hurts
the knowledge that saying yes at this point would make me a hypocrite

recently i watched king kong
yes it does rhyme with ping pong but tts not the point
its a good movie
but i cant say i thouroughly enjoyed myself
probably because im embarassed at the fact that the character i identify with the most is black, hairy, and is 20-25 feet tall, and beats his breast after ripping apart T-rexes jaw or any poor creature that makes it mad

hmm
i mean
i like my stubble but really
i guess chris was right in saying that the path we tread is not the easy one
but its the only one we can take
cos if dont take it
well
put it simply
we deny ourselves the only shred of true humanity we ever had
subserveance to God
thats what we were created for i guess
tts y i sigh when we see a beautiful sunset
tts y i close my eyes to escape everytime i get a good americano
tts probably y i like stoning so much too
cos reality is
by twisted nature
we are running towards doom
and our hope is in an upwards struggle

well on a lighter note
ive realised that i havent started my xmas shopping
and it is coming quite soon
hmm
well if ur reading this
and u dont get anything for christmas
dont hold it against me
i started late
dang
my sis got me something
and i dun even noe what she likes
....
hai
well
if im naggy
thats bcos im old
hehe
so i have the right
right.....
for ur info
i think that crazed intoxication is bad
although is spend too much time thinking about it

homesick

read finish problem of pain by C.S.Lewis
good old Lewis
hai
the last chapter really did alot to me
hmm
maybe because i was high on coffee
haha
maybe i shd do all my readings at starbucks
hahahah
but seriously
maybe Gods finally dealing with my view of the world
anyways, gotta say tt yeah,
feeling better than i have ever felt
but then again
i guess further from it all then ever
finally reconciled the role of thinker in a way
i guess there has always been room for the intellectual adoration of Christ
just that maybe not a role well explored by the church
then again
i guess i dun really have the right to say much
except maybe
hmm
i guess just gotta learn as i go along
we learn
bit by bit
we learn
new painful lesson everyday
so here i am,
i guess making a little more sense of it all then i did yesterday
ahah
still probably have no idea at all
but i guess its ok

kiddies

i love kids
haha
no
im not a paedophile
and
no
i do not love kids for how they taste
haha
no lah
hmm
the only thing tt i find irritating is how they seem to enjoy poking my fats and then running away
ahha
ok
seriously
cip at the childcare was fun
enjoyed picking up kids and spinning them
ahha
is tt healthy?
haha
anyways
hmm
im hopeless at art and craft
anyways
hmm
i guess i should look forward to having kids
hmm
strange
wad rubbish am i saying
i find my bro irritating
hahaha
wadever
hai
my sis is talking in the background on the phone
wah lao
so loud
....

struggles-v1.01

hai
lalalla
i guess the moment we say we are willing, problems will crop up
or at least stuff we must deal with
felt really guilty at pre-service prayer ytd
cos ya, i think i felt God wanted me to pray
but for wadever reason,
i kept my mouth shut,..... and ya, think i spoilt the spiritual atmosphere through my unwillingness
maybe its fear,
maybe pride
argh
dunno
i just noe that it sounds really sad
that i ask God to speak to me, but when He does, i dont dare speak out His words...
dang
i guess i have to change my mindset when it comes prayer
in more ways than one
anyways,
rev. Tony's sermon really spoke to me
hmm
actually his sermons always do,
but usually im willing to listen or take it down
im finally realising the importance of unity and community..
although sometimes, id rather be alone
hmm
caring and having concern is the Jesus way i suppose...
so gotta learn to care and have compassion
hai
so hard man
id rather be apathetic
the scary part is he said that apathy, is a satanic spirit,
it is a place of rebellion, where we assume that others are not worth caring about and we go against God's agenda of fellowship within the christian body
and compassion for those not in the christian body
hmm
guess i got lots to deal with man

i guess i also gotta give thanks
that yeah,
my family situation is improving
finally
ahahha
managed to assuage my rage and anger at home
i guess mindset changes are powerful
and i guess ive got lots to make

like i said before,
melodrama is addictive,
that oily, dark, pity-seeking shadow,
i dun
i dun want to be that dwarf who struggles against joy
at least not anymore...
like i said,
i guess i gotta deal with my mindset towards prayer
hmm
maybe tts wads been so lacking in my christian life up till now
well
time to learn to pray again
and to deal with the Cain in me
and least im not branded by God
hahahaha

struggles

after such a spiritual high,
as usual, im left facing the prospect of depression
maybe it aint so scary for some ppl
but truth is,
its a demon that haunts my dreams sometimes
hai

i guess its part of me letting go of the melodrama and the shadow
spiritual depression was something that marked part of my walk with God
rather
i was caught up in deception and was left chasing my behind while the devil watched and laughed...

at least i learnt some lessons


struggle
sometimes i wonder why we have to struggle so much in order to please God
sometimes we struggle to even have the intention to please Him
sometimes the christian life seems marked by struggle and not breakthrough
but i guess as CS Lewis wrote,
God values the process more than the ends
breakthroughs he can grant as he wishes
but the moulding we go through to attain it is priceless
in a sense

i guess another reason why we struggle so much is because of our nature
we are fallen beings
a scourge and accursed
we have been attuned to sin
to rebellion
left on our own, we become proud
we wallow in sin
due to adam, we are now born into sin,
babies when born may not have sinned yet,
but they are already sinful creatures- creatures who if not interfered with, will be let to sin

our christian life is therefore a struggle against our very flesh and nature
and the reason why we fall so much
is that we often dont realise how helpless we are against ourselves

really,
the only way we can achieve the end we desire is to truly surrender,
and crucify our flesh
something we cant rely on our own strength to do,
our own strength of some sinful origin anyways,
maybe not sinful in original creation, but sinful due to its early corruption

anyways
i guess we all have to learn to be in a continual relationship of dependance on God
and to put our old man to death everyday through our surrender and His grace
learning to broken and contride
maybe that is hard road
but maybe
maybe its the only plausible road

sometimes i wonder how so man of God can move so powerfully
be so in touch with the Holy Spirit
but i guess if we choose to look at their lifestyles, their level of consecration
of sacrifice and obediance
we will be put to shame
more shame then we already experience anyways

2 tim 2:20-21
20In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. 21If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.

we consecrate so that we can be useful for holy work
i dun just want to be his tool
but His precision tool

maybe a lofty aspiration
but i guess i need one

i guess in the end its really simple
simple and hard
haha

as St. Paul wrote in his letter to the church in Philippi
continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling(phillipians 2:12b)
with fear and trembling

yeah
fear and trembling
so we struggle on
not because we like it, and not because it is the best way
but because He requires it of us
and therefore we have to
and hopefully
we struggle through to breakthrough
hopefully