struggles

after such a spiritual high,
as usual, im left facing the prospect of depression
maybe it aint so scary for some ppl
but truth is,
its a demon that haunts my dreams sometimes
hai

i guess its part of me letting go of the melodrama and the shadow
spiritual depression was something that marked part of my walk with God
rather
i was caught up in deception and was left chasing my behind while the devil watched and laughed...

at least i learnt some lessons


struggle
sometimes i wonder why we have to struggle so much in order to please God
sometimes we struggle to even have the intention to please Him
sometimes the christian life seems marked by struggle and not breakthrough
but i guess as CS Lewis wrote,
God values the process more than the ends
breakthroughs he can grant as he wishes
but the moulding we go through to attain it is priceless
in a sense

i guess another reason why we struggle so much is because of our nature
we are fallen beings
a scourge and accursed
we have been attuned to sin
to rebellion
left on our own, we become proud
we wallow in sin
due to adam, we are now born into sin,
babies when born may not have sinned yet,
but they are already sinful creatures- creatures who if not interfered with, will be let to sin

our christian life is therefore a struggle against our very flesh and nature
and the reason why we fall so much
is that we often dont realise how helpless we are against ourselves

really,
the only way we can achieve the end we desire is to truly surrender,
and crucify our flesh
something we cant rely on our own strength to do,
our own strength of some sinful origin anyways,
maybe not sinful in original creation, but sinful due to its early corruption

anyways
i guess we all have to learn to be in a continual relationship of dependance on God
and to put our old man to death everyday through our surrender and His grace
learning to broken and contride
maybe that is hard road
but maybe
maybe its the only plausible road

sometimes i wonder how so man of God can move so powerfully
be so in touch with the Holy Spirit
but i guess if we choose to look at their lifestyles, their level of consecration
of sacrifice and obediance
we will be put to shame
more shame then we already experience anyways

2 tim 2:20-21
20In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. 21If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.

we consecrate so that we can be useful for holy work
i dun just want to be his tool
but His precision tool

maybe a lofty aspiration
but i guess i need one

i guess in the end its really simple
simple and hard
haha

as St. Paul wrote in his letter to the church in Philippi
continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling(phillipians 2:12b)
with fear and trembling

yeah
fear and trembling
so we struggle on
not because we like it, and not because it is the best way
but because He requires it of us
and therefore we have to
and hopefully
we struggle through to breakthrough
hopefully