struggles-v1.01

hai
lalalla
i guess the moment we say we are willing, problems will crop up
or at least stuff we must deal with
felt really guilty at pre-service prayer ytd
cos ya, i think i felt God wanted me to pray
but for wadever reason,
i kept my mouth shut,..... and ya, think i spoilt the spiritual atmosphere through my unwillingness
maybe its fear,
maybe pride
argh
dunno
i just noe that it sounds really sad
that i ask God to speak to me, but when He does, i dont dare speak out His words...
dang
i guess i have to change my mindset when it comes prayer
in more ways than one
anyways,
rev. Tony's sermon really spoke to me
hmm
actually his sermons always do,
but usually im willing to listen or take it down
im finally realising the importance of unity and community..
although sometimes, id rather be alone
hmm
caring and having concern is the Jesus way i suppose...
so gotta learn to care and have compassion
hai
so hard man
id rather be apathetic
the scary part is he said that apathy, is a satanic spirit,
it is a place of rebellion, where we assume that others are not worth caring about and we go against God's agenda of fellowship within the christian body
and compassion for those not in the christian body
hmm
guess i got lots to deal with man

i guess i also gotta give thanks
that yeah,
my family situation is improving
finally
ahahha
managed to assuage my rage and anger at home
i guess mindset changes are powerful
and i guess ive got lots to make

like i said before,
melodrama is addictive,
that oily, dark, pity-seeking shadow,
i dun
i dun want to be that dwarf who struggles against joy
at least not anymore...
like i said,
i guess i gotta deal with my mindset towards prayer
hmm
maybe tts wads been so lacking in my christian life up till now
well
time to learn to pray again
and to deal with the Cain in me
and least im not branded by God
hahahaha