disappointed,
maybe i am,
with the world, with the church
but i guess mostly with myself
fallen so many times
its amazing really
we can find the most absymal reasons to fall
i guess that's human nature
we suck, why, because we're not good at doing anything else

then again maybe that's why i have such a hard time understanding love
i guess before u can love others, u must learn to love yourself
its scary really
that maybe i'm more disappointed with myself than He is of me

well i guess then i have to learn how to place my hope in one who wont disappoint
maybe i've found Him, then again, i probably dont trust enough
well i guess i have to start somewhere

guess i have to start being real
with myself, with others
with Him
but
but maybe i dont really know how
if i wear a mask to hide myself from myself
how to take it off
if u ask me who i am
i cant honestly answer you
maybe i can, if u consider "i dunno" as an answer
well i suppose i cant gripe until ive started
but where to start
hai

maybe
maybe im just scared
of all that possibly could be inside
rejection, lonliness, jealousy, brokenness
pride
oh twisted pride
my turkish delight
my sin

then again
life without Him is unbearable
i guess this is what hell is
life without Him...

i suppose CS Lewis was right
Heaven, if we get there will appear to work backwards through our mortal life,
the events we go through are the stepping stones in which we become what in eternity we should exist as.... not only the end product, but the process is something that focuses on God

i suppose hell is alot like that
in the end
not only the burning sulphur, but possibly the knowledge that we missed the whole point of life
will burn
and possibly worst

haha
just thought of a funny quote
"such wasted potential"
i picked it up from charles xavier
yes
the xman bald dude
haahah
well i suppose if like me,
u spend most of your time living in a fantasy world in your head
u end up thinking of comics
especially the fantasy u indulge yourself in looks alot like the pages of some dark gruesome manga

maybe thats my mask
maybe i should learn to live without my choice escapism
my drug
hai
tough tough
maybe thats why i dont noe myself
always have been too fearful
allowing myself to escape from the tough questions,
to a world where the pain is
is
experienced through the eyes of another
where everything is melodrama
some dark joke or cliche
well
for a time
i used to be addicted to the melodrama we can force upon the world around us
maybe those days arent as gone as i supposed
well what to do
we learn, bit by bit, we learn

maybe thats why i find it so hard to socialise sometimes,
too trapped up in my own world
of perfect characters....
haha
well
perfectly melodramatic if i may put it that way

maybe that's why i have such a hard time accepting life...
cos it doesnty play out like a jap anime
where everyone has a svelte figure, where love occurs far too often albeit under stupid circumstances,
and where little boys and girls contain in themselves some doomsday device

haha
maybe that is the realisation of some innate dormant desire to make a difference
well i suppose there is some truth,
that we all have the potential to make some world changing differences
i just wish the path was as easy and as well-defined as in manga
haha

well at least i have such a desire, even if it doesnt surface
sometimes i wonder if i have emotions
at all
haha
dunno
most of the time, i feel numb-non emotional
some would argue that is an emotion, but
hai
dunno lah
want to stop thinking whether that is because of the way i am or whether it's some lousy excuse
time to stop the excuses i suppose
i need sleep
hehe
well at least that's a more legal form of escapism other than my fantasies