before i shoot myself in the foot or rather
having shot myself in the foot
i guess id better try and make sense of my previous outburst

firstly, im not pointing fingers at anyone blaming them for being caught up in boys university and army
and all
heck no matter where i go, i guess table talk is table talk
although i dont talk about boys
.................................................
but what i feel is that
hmm
gosh how to put it

its just that i feel we havent lived up to our calling
u know
its like how we used to advertise
sfc- not just a group who meets to pray

but i dunno
maybe we should have met to pray more
its not something about living up to expectations
but we forgot our fundamentals
not that we didnt pray and all
but
hmm
well
not to put down the whole bdae culture
in fact i was quite blessed by it
but yeah
hmm
somehow i dunno whether im just confused but some bdae plans were more intricate than our plans for prayer meetings

yes
its something ideological and all
but well
sfc
i just i guess expected more from myself
u know
being a SAINT FOR CHRIST member and all
i guess i had the high and lofty view of being beyond a normal group
i guess i forgot that being a group brings with it all the normalcy of problems, abit of politics here, and squabbles there
i just i dun know
maybe im going through a midlife crisis
you know
when im growing older
balding, getting a beer belly and wondering what happened to the dreams of my youth

gosh
no im not balding

i know no one ever talks about it
but well, i realised everytime i went out with aloy we talked about GOd
what HE was doing/is doing and stuff
i mean yeah
he doesnt hang out with us much anymore
and im guilty of not hanging out with him much too
but yeah

i just i guess
wish we were more orientated to the name that we bear

maybe its some hidden desire to be special or something
gah
i just wish, the admonishments, the encouragements, the spurring on
the iron sharpening iron
would i guess
be more obvious in the spiritual sense

maybe its just army getting to me
discolouring my world and making me a cynic
ahaha
but
i dunno
its just i guess
being ideological
living up to ideas is a tough bargain