I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
Friday, November 26, 2010
listening to emo songs on youtube, boys like girls, a fine frenzy and snow patrol
it promises to be a slow and boring night
oh wells
been feeling kind crappy this week
on another note
i think im learning more how to appreciate family
which i guess is great
dasgopherophbp'r
lost the mood to study, do any work or anything remotely productive
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
part of me is wondering where have you been all my life
where have i been all my life
i think part of me is having a crisis of purpose
again
i know rhetoric about the metaphysical is pointless
and ive been down this neural walkway before
but i think theres a part of me that craves for that rush and awe again
im not really a nice guy
i get bored real easy
bored of people
well some people
and yes, im a terrible elitist
sometimes i wish i were either much smarter or much dumber
not smart enough to ride the undercurrent but not dumb enough to be ignorant
to percieve the door but to be keenly aware how beyond me it is
havent had to do much work or much else
was watching the first episode of californication on tv
yeah i know
a dinosaur show
maybe im catching up on some lost youth or something ala michael jackson, dont worry im not going to go change my skin colour or hit on small boys
i know ive used this quote before,
but its scary
how you can miss something you've never had so much
Friday, November 05, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
ive decided to google it out of curiousity and to kill some time
lols
i think most of what they say out there on the net is probably crap
but yeah
some interpretations ive come across
1. we need or think we need accountability
2.denotes thrift and much activity in all occupations.
3.Needing to focus on making simple, basic decisions
Having a wide variety of options
4.means that you are emotionally and spiritually intense, or that you are in search of new ideas and new challenges 5.Groceries offer an endless and tempting variety of things. To dream of being in a market means you are faced with tough choices, all of which look perfect and inviting. You are shopping not just for material things, but for things that relate to your emotional or social needs. You might be concerned of making the wrong choice in spending your money/attention/energy.
lols
now im just wondering if the lack of coherence btwn articles is just a sign that these interpretations just pull words out of their asses trying to find a suitable explanation....
kinda like qm
as long as the math fits if we abuse it enough
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
i think my mind works alot like an episode of the simpsons
lackign coherence, and going all over the place
so anyways
.
.
.
while walking back to hall today, i had that fleeting feeling again
something akin to what CS Lewis describes as that sheer northerness
im hoping its the same, but in a post-mordernistic world can experiences every be similar?
but yeah
that sense of awe and lonliness of the sheer scale of the world around us
i think one draw back of living in a globalised world is that we lose a true perspective of size
shrinking distances make us seem so much larger and all important
we lose our sense of relativity to sheer vastness
the heights, depths and volume of reality
i used to romanticise stoicism
but i think as ive grown (hopefully i have)
i learn more about of the virtues of weakness and vulnerability
how sometimes being simple and fragile is much
i wish i knew what pursuing something at all cost would feel like
honestly,
im just shit scared
Thursday, October 14, 2010
ok fine, maybe i like it cos im a geek but anyways
The Square Root of 3 by Dave Feinberg
I'm sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three
The three is all that's good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine
For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic
I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality
When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three
As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer
We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands
Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed
Friday, October 08, 2010
inch chua @tab
went to tab at delfi orchard
and caught the set by inch chua
omg
she sang aqueous oblivion and find fix and save from her ep
and i felt like melting
mmm
after it stupid moss managed to prod me into taking a picture with her and
well i wouldnt say chat with her cos i was too shy
but yeah
it was great talking to her
gosh
im like pulling a fanboy moment here....
but yeah
whoo inch chua whooo
Saturday, October 02, 2010
beer plus ping pong not equals beer pong
i guess anytime i go out with that bum its fun
lols
didnt know drinking beer and playing ping pong at the same time could be so fun
thank God for friends who can read me like an open book sometimes
and on a side note, i need to learn to be less socially awkward
Friday, September 10, 2010
how did we become so lost
because there isnt the lost cause of revival to fawn over?
have we simply lost marx's opiate of the people?
sometimes i wish it could be more easily rationalized
we learn in quantum mechanics that light, energy and momentum are quantised
meaning they exist in distinct packages
maybe purpose and reason exist in distinct quantities too
i only know im kinda short on both at the moment
we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.
~crash, 2004
Monday, September 06, 2010
school started for a week plus and well its been taking some getting used to getting back in schedule
new hall, new environment
cant complain though, im not in aerospace having a crazy timetable packed with too many modules
i have so much to be thankful for
so many people i should be grateful for
i think i dont do it enough
appreciating people
well although it doesnt make much sense to do it here
since they probably wont see it cause they dont read it
but yeah thanks so much
mh for being my friend even though you one of the coolest guys i know
hahaha
room full of blues was great, but i think opening up to each other was better
thanks zaids for being so patient, willing to put up with our nonsense and all
thanks buddy group leaders for bearing with me jayce and tdd who is gone now
thanks eeli for probably being the only one who still reads... haha maybe not the only one but yeah
my talk with mh was great, made me realise people see the way i carry myself and the way i treat other people around me really does affect the people around me
id admit, i struggle alot with loving people
no thats a lie
i dont really try to put up a struggle
there are people i simply dont like, and i dont put in the effort to be civil to them
i just ignore them
i know that apathy being the antithesis of love is evil and all that
but
i guess the state of my life right now
maybe thats why i dont really like to blog nowadays
because it sometimes means coming to terms with the ugliness i see in myself
the apathy, the jealousy, the callousness, the narcissism
and no,
no cause for concern or worry,
this isnt some bout of depression and self pity
its just honest, harsh realistic introspection
reminded how some days it seems like we have existance forced upon us without our permission
and we're dragged kicking screaming cursing into day
baptised by trial and fire into a hostile world, which reflects for us to see the ugliness of our souls
but yeah
im grateful, at least on the days when it does strike me
for the friends ive made who stand by me, and make me remember that there is warmth and love in the world,
that though we dont have much, we have each other
cheers
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
friends i was out with today with brought up an interesting point
that instead of sa i should have gone to one of the top schs in singapore
get a proper education
then instead of getting the mindset that i probably wouldnt get a scholarship if i tried
i would be driven and all
maybe be in some ivy league place somewhere far away challenging myself
maybe
if u asked me a few years ago if i would change my choices if i could turn back time
i would probably refuse
but time it seems makes a fool of us all
i mean like why the hell not
go to some place where they would groom me to be the best
get teachers to brainwash me: that i have a bright future and am the future leader of tomorrow and all that bull
maybe things would be better
maybe id be out there right now seeing the world, having the rest of my life laid out ahead of me
maybe id have a little something called ambition
doesnt the world and everybody like to see that in a person
and with that a whole lot of swagger and attitude
heck, i may even be one of them elitist bastards, (i seem to have met alot recently)
pompous jerks who only aim for the top and trample on everyone who doesnt get out of their way
well ive met enough of these "highfliers" to think that it probably doesnt make a difference
heck, maybe all the real highfliers are busy flying too high studying overseas at havard or mit to meet me, so my uneducated opinion is simply just that
my favourite author whom i havent quoted in awhile did note that its useless talking about what might have been because in any case,
it isnt
and aside from what is (though some quantum mechanics metaphysicist may say with their metaphysical theories of alternate universes sprouting everytime we make a decision)
there is no other
some days though, i do wish i knew what i wanted
maybe it wouldnt be too bad even if it proved to be some illusive dream
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
and secondly, because i no one would care if i told them how these little things irritate me
forgive me if im too overcritical of preachers.... its just me i think
1) I have a thing against preachers quoting einstein... actually i have something against most people quoting einstein....
they think they lend credibility to what they say just because the mention the name of one of the greatest minds....
einstein was not a christian, and while he had jewish heritage, i doubt he was observing....
while he was not an atheist either, unless preachers intend for me to embrace my theistic sprinkled with agnosticism leanings
hai
i just feel strongly that normal people should try to refrain from making such quotations which make them seem, ironically in this case, retarded...
2) ur little experiment with the benjamin franklin quotation while interesting for playing on academic stereotypes, failed in other ways
the whole point of that refrain to me seemed to be more about the importance of care, especially the care for the details and the intangibles....
it seemed to me more like a reminder to brush my teeth and tie my shoelaces than a useful note to be mindful of sin....
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
this brief sobriety called life
love laughter warmth and merriment grow flourish bubble up
but entropy catches up and we are soon lost in the cold vastness of space
so intoxicated by our own youth,
we forget the ephermal fleeting nature of our existance
here for our brief day in the sun
and before we know it
gone
the ancients built pyramids and cast numbers in stone,
hoping to be remembered in ignomy long after their passing
you were so full of love and promise
but you were snatched away so suddenly
before we could erect our own monuments or scream our message into the darkness
you will be missed
and i do know that the world is an alot colder place
now that your gone
mr congeniality
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
and i have been in seoul and loving it
haha
sorry to all those whom i told that i wasnt going to seoul
i tot we were going to dajeong or something like that
we are but we are spending more time in seoul first playing
woots
but yeah
beautiful place
nice ppl
cant really get kimchi, but the rest of the food isnt half bad
the clothes sizes here are abit small though... which makes it abit hard to shop
maybe i'll just get shoess
sorry
being materialistic again
but yeah
i just love being out of singapore
and korea is a beautiful place
makes one wonder whats wrong with the current place i live in
hahaha
Friday, May 07, 2010
lols
thanks so much ming han
for being a slacker
so i didnt have to be the only one stuck in school up at 3 doing a report....
hhahhaa
i would buy you a drink but you dont drink so i'll just buy myself two
anyways, what a perfectly retarded way to end my last night of the first semester
hope i didnt screw up my research too badly....
oh wells
nothing a stiff drink cant solve
its sad really how people are still getting hurting over it
its been what nearing one year now
why cant some retards just learn to let go
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
actions cannot and do not act at a distance
there's always a field mediating the stress
i guess im realising that there is no point keeping some things the way they are when all thats between us is dead space and stale air
time to cut myself free and move on i guess....
we keep telling ourselves that we've moved on, that we dont care anymore
but i think the problem is that we havent and we cant....
never thought that the weirdos and outcast would be the ones who'd hold on to what we had so tightly
a little gem i found on youtube... loving the glockenspiel...
its not a xylephone... xylephone notes are made of wood....
Saturday, April 10, 2010
i don't "emo"
"emo-ing" is what teengaers do when tehy try to make sense of the angst and confusion a change in hormones bring
I simply dont have the time or emotional energy to emo
yes, i do contemplate a gamut of thoughts and emotions, remininsce in the past, rue my mistakes and missed chances while cling on to the flukes i consider my triumphs...
i do view my future and general lack of direction with trepidation and sometimes carry a sense of melachony others may not deem healthy,
but there is no real need to worry about me..
im not some younge puberscent adolescent who might cut his wrist at mere heartbreak
i may need a drink to tide me through the night
but i wake up the next day and deal with my own shit
because thats what adults do right??
i just hope we never outgrow laughing chilling hanging around
i hope we never run out of time to lavish on the unproductive, spending hours just chilling or singing out of tune
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Friday, April 02, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
i must say, i didnt really like the first episode much
mmm
not that it was bad
but i guess i felt out of mode
seeing that sacarstic, cooky anti-hero,
who i must admit to semi-idolizing; thrown into a mental institution
well why do i like the character so much?
maybe i resonate with the sacarsm and the meaness
but teh second episode kinda grew on me
it reminded me that no matter, how strong, or apathetic we think we are
we all have needs
we all can get hurt
and we all have psychological defects one way or the other
and while its hard
its worthwhile trying to still be humane
and i guess im giving up without trying?
i guess for me this will always been one of those
what could have been crossroads
but things as they are arent too bad
and i dont think i want to try fixing what isnt broke,
everything except my heart i guess
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I keep telling myself to wait, for a better time, that next week, month or sem will be the opportune time, but ive missed too many, waited for spring to find the trees falling off the leaves again...
to come back for my bounty, only to find it claimed by another...
Letting every chance to live pass me by
I keep telling myself I don’t really know what I want, but even when I do, I think Im too used to acting like I don’t
I think im too scared, too caught up in wanting to be nice…
what am i actually afraid of?
their glances their glares
making a fool of myself?
of losing things, ive nvr really owned?
what is this reaching out yet recoiling in trepidation...
to fear the familiar and the unknown
why am i still here...
a place strange yet too much familiar
we never really do change do we
we grow up
grow stronger
grow older
grow wiser
but still the same demons and skeletons
still a small insignificant blip on the radar
the trivia on the bottle cap
But nobody remembers the nice amiable, amicable guys; the footnotes
I want to be missed, I want to be remembered… maybe im being narcisstic here, but at least im being honest.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
ok maybe im being biased because there was carlsberg on draft, free food, and i got to be part of a band for one night
but yes
the whole cny annual dinner was really a blast
and im so proud of all my band mates
penguin, ashley, joe and especially li hui
mmm
there was abit of nerves
but once we started, i think we did pretty darn good
i just hope the photos dun come back to haunt me
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
i think ever so often
we find ourselves labelling ourselves along the lines
im a basketball kinda guy
or a debate kinda guy
or in my case... a slack... oh wells, thats not really a thing
but tts my point
mayhaps because of how much we dont have a clear idea of self
we latch on to these things or ideals
these things bigger than ourselves, like parasites
hoping we'd count for more
just because we're into running every other night
or we can do calculus better than mere mortals
mm in case u get the impression i run every other night i dont
but thats not the point either
just happened to see this video of this 8 yr old kid doing calculus
so i guess ive lost my edge as well
i think we're so much more than the things we're into or good at?
each of us is capable of so much kindness and resolve
i think it's really sad if any of us belittle ourselves just because we cant run a mile without dying
or cant dance, or cant grasp 4 dimensional hyperspaces in our heads for that matter
Sunday, March 07, 2010
we all want to be needed, and need to feel wanted....
but i lack the intestinal fortitude to admit that i need you........
I guess God was right when he figured it was not good for man to be alone
and yeah
i guess we are friends, although i hate the semi-church tag...
kinda sensitive to it... its complicated i guess
i apologize in advance for being a lousy friend... i'll try my best...
i need you
i guess
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
other than learning about various interesting happenings
i was reminded of something that really helps me
there are so many what ifs in life
what if i was smarter, taller, more handsome,
what if i went to some elite sch instead of everyones fav sch in an opposition ward
but when we do that we are talking rubbish
senile rot if i may so call it
what did not happen does not exist....
yes it could have been, but how are we to know
unless some alternate dimension is out there, with a jeremy,
who is smarter than me, more charming and maybe even gay....
and people change and drift apart
and we lose the things we used to stand for, and the ground gets taken from under our feet
but im thankful that at every stage of my life since i can remember,
well maybe except one very awkward stage
ive always had friends to chill with on a daily basis
i think thats been one of my greatest blessings
if you dont know who he is, well you better not be studying phyics or science for that matter
cos he is a nobel laureate.....
actually before i came to ntu i didnt even know who he was
hahahaha
oh wells
but im glad fedor asked me to go for the talk
i dont know
its kinda like stuff came together in my mind again?
mmm
maybe thats not a good sign, since every major decision i make seems to be based on signs ala paulo coehlo style
well i chose ntu because of the ad on the back of a bus
and i left my previous church because of..........
but i guess it was comforting to hear how topology, a pure math could be analogous to the path of fermions
cause ive been tryign to understand closed plane curves to no avail
but yeah
i guess i should put more thought into it before jumping into pure math instead of applied math as my major
Friday, February 26, 2010
we could choose the hands we were dealt
the way things are now, theres so much to be thankful for
i guess
but it seems that our lot is the dearth of dreams
for a moment there i thought i found another
but it seems we're lonely poor souls in this waking world
if only we could chill, joke, laugh and mess around forever
i dont want these days to end
Friday, February 12, 2010
the first song in a long time to give the chills
This great evil - where's it come from?
How'd it steal into the world?
What seed, what root did it grow from?
Who's doing this?
Who's killing us, robbing us of life and light?
Mocking us with the sight of what we might of known?
Does our ruin benefit the earth, aid the grass to grow and the sun to shine?
Is this darkness in you, too?
Have you passed through this night?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
to become something more of dread than joy
i think it has to do with how we lose the magic growing up
disillusioning really
the money and the food are the same, but i guess we lose the best parts of ourselves as we mature sometimes
i just cant stand relatives who honestly dont need to know asking me why im studying mathematics and what kind of a job im gonna do in the future
or asking me why im not attached yet, or telling me i put on weight
honestly, who cares
not everyone studies for the sake of finding work in the future
i cant stand cny
cos its a reminder that even the things we used to treasure and look forward to
we one day will no longer
and that blood isnt always thicker
Thursday, February 04, 2010
maybe im out to prove something
i was sitting eating my dinner in canteen b(yes really sad) and i noticed that the sky was that particular hue it always reaches just before it gets dark
and then it started raining
and for a moment there
i felt that tinge in my heart
that longing that we get when we're percieving something beautiful and we wish for someone to share it with
i guess i wouldnt mind
having someone to share the beautiful things in life with
the sunset sky
the rain on the window pain and the thunder
the beach in Nice, France
listening to stormy by lifehouse while in the back of a jeep surrounded by wilderness
some moments i must admit
it gets lonely looking at the sky alone
men without chest
its probably the subconscious realisation that i lack the ability to write anything truly beautiful (maybe it has something to with being a math student)
i think the mark of any good writer is he manages with simple words to transcend the form and peek into something nebulous and unobtainable
cheryl chen once mentioned to me, that its God's way of doing things, to let the dreams He gives us die, before fulfilling them in His time
well i dont know about the second part
but i think dead dreams are what i have plenty of now
im no renaissance men, and looking at my lack of wonder, i wont make it as a philosopher either
sometimes i wonder if i throw myself into mathematics not as some form of self-mortification
i guess there is beauty in math too.... somewhere somehow
but its form is alot more abstract than im capable of on any normal day
i think ive gotten good at walking away from churches
well i was never very good at integrating in the first place
but i fear that its become something of a habit
wait did i just make a pun
oh well it wasnt intended
and i am good at calculus, its the social thing i struggle at
so we rent our clothes and grovel in the dirt
because we are dust,
mere dust
on another note
it seems my blog has found a new follower
well thank you so much
i think its flattering that you consider anything i write worth reading
although it may very well have been by mistake
and might i say you right much more beautifully than i could ever hope to
and i must apologize to mr lian for borrowing your title
but on somedays, i think i for one lack the moral courage to face the next day
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
but yeah
cant help myself
lols
anyways
a bunch of sch mates were like bringing up the question of what characteristics i like in a girl
and it dawned on me today(the events are quite far apart)
that what i would look for in a partner would be inspiration
i think if you do get together with someone
that person should be someone who inspires you to be better than you are
better than you think you are or can be at any rate
im making it sound like im asking for a joan of arc or a mother theresa
but anyways
it seems like wishful thinking
cause if i really do meet someone amazing who inspires me
i doubt id be much of an inspiration myself
oh wells
hopeful thinking is free isnt it
Thursday, January 14, 2010
a song,
dedicated to memories bittersweet
and to moving on
to having the moral courage to face the day ahead
and to being human
Oh, how I've tried to get you out of my head.
And I lied, broken words I said.
Never thought I'd walk on this street again.
Standing where it all began.
Tried to forget when I left this town,
But it takes me right back when I come back around.
Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night.
I'm back there by your side.
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away.
Counting backwards while the stars are falling.
Oh, how I find every subtle thing screams your name.
It reminds me of places of times we shared.
Couldn't live locked in these memories.
Now I'm chained to my thoughts again.
And I tried to forget when I left this town,
But I'll take you right back if you come back around.
Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night.
I'm back there by your side.
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away.
Counting backwards while the stars are falling.
I need some shelter, I need some safety.
Photographs, they haunt me lately.
Chasing shadows as the evening takes me.
I'm still searching, but the picture's fading.
Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night.
I'm back there by your side.
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away.
Counting backwards, still counting backwards.
And no where else has ever felt like home.
And I can't fall asleep when I'm lying here alone.
I replay your voice, it's like you're here.
You move the earth, but now the sky is falling.
Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night.
In my mind, I'm back by your side.
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away.
Counting backwards while the stars are falling.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Falling slowly
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along
Again another blogpost i cant identify with but for the sake of rememberance
they showed once on the tv in the hotel in KL
and yeah i fell in love with the whole idea of the show
shaky camera shots
dialogue so real, its trivial at times
everyday dialogue where we dont say what we mean,
and the bittersweet ending
how love is an impossibility and an incovenience at times
how we just go on living
if u havent heard the song u should
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley
well as u probably can guess, this is the poem in the movie invictus
a favorite of mendela during his time of imprisonment
i think the magic of the movie was more of mendelas story than the boks but thats just me
i wish i could identify more with this poem but i think i fall rather short
anyways... i thought id let this blog die, but i gather maybe i should at least make an update once in awhile
mmm
maybe the age of narcissism has died out
or maybe i dont have an opinion anymore
whatever the case
check out invictus
if not for the fake rugby
for the story of a man who after 30 years in jail came out ready to forgive those whom put him there