some lamentations

i like to just write out my feelings in free verse, helps alot with my thinking

below are Some of the things that i wrote(the better ones)
recently

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The questions forever they torment me,
"why are God's desires not mine?"
My logic it tells me that wantinf what he wants is right
cause he makes it worth it
and he keeps me going
But my heart is weary and tired.
I am wary of failing, wary of falling,
wary of messing up, wary of getting disappointed and dillusioned.
Wary to the point where I don't want to try again in case I fail and start wallowing in despair.
This paralysis, this helplessness, my obsoleteness, it irks me, grinds in my head
I cant help but feel at fault.
Yes, willingness and yieldness is a choice,
taht we have to make despite of our feelinfs and our situation, but my inability to come to a decision- it makes me feel WRETCHED.
After all that time. haven't i learnt?
have i not grown enough, matured enough, to lay down my all and surrender to him?
Must I still struggle on, continue to be a dragged on?
Despising being dragged by a yoke, yet nwilling to cut it away.
Time to just close my eyes and let go.
Plunging into the Jordan is never easy.
All or nothing
For I am but a fool, and if i'm not God's, then i would just be a breathing corpse, without life, without purpose