the wound

I thought it was gone
I thought it was past
that aged wound,
that stung my heart so many moons ago,
i thought i had forgotten all
the pain,
the heartaches,
yet they resurface yet again,
bringing me anguish,
making me struggle.

My bane,
the one who bore me,
one who claimed to love me,
yet in my time of weakness caused me so much pain.
The source of years of agony,
one who i once held dear.

No kid should be told that he is not loved because he is stupid
no kid should feel that his value depends on his studies
no kid should have to doubt whether his mom loves him
no kid should hate going home
no kid should loathe waking up the next day
no kid should have to hate his life
no kid should have to cry himself to sleep
no kid should have to go through that sort of torment
especially when he is only eight.

So many years have passed,
i thought i was over it
i had grown tougher
i thought that i had let go of that pain
i thought that i had forgiven
yet i held that grudge
unable to let go
unable to forgive

Grown distant
strangers dwelling in the same house
greetings a formailty
practiced just to show a facade
yet the silence harboring a deep rift
a contempt

It would be better to let go
to just let everything pass
but im not willing
not willing to forget the pain
wanting to administer my own twisted, sadistic brand of justice
provoking, making life miserable,
not only for the one i hold in contempt,
but myself
letting us all suffer
so that you will have a slight taste of the bitter misery i felt
no kid should have to feel that there is no purpose in life
no kid should have to loathe the next morning for the problems they bring
i cried out to God every nite
asking him to just carry me through
asking him to make all the anguish i felt go away
asking him to make the situation better.

even now, that season long past
the shadow it casts upon my heart still perturbs me
i never heard her apologize for the pain
i never felt her love, genuinely
each time she said, i love you, it seemed so hypocritcal
my sub-consciouss tells me that no mother will let her child go through that.
but i noe it has to be release
it cant stay this way forever
but i dont noe how
Lord help me
Cause i noe that you forgave me, this sinner who wronged You
who didnt deserve Your love
Help me to please You
help me to submit, to lay down my rights.
Cause i simply can't
I can't do it on my own