oh yeah, recently i read this CS Lewis book- reflection on the psalms
and one point really struck me
it was how we shouldnt envy others just because they dont seem to face the same struggles as u
and how perhaps these struggles are beyond these people

anyways
ive reading the book of job
and i realise like how jobs friends advise wasnt wrong teologically or anything
their intent wasnt really wrong
they just gave advice-alot of it
when it wasnt really needed
tehey didnt look for the root or anything
bleagh
the thing is that instead of mourning with job, sharing in his pain
and encouraging him
they had the best ideas and intentions
and tried to force them on him
i guess im realising im alot like jobs friends
i like to give ppl advice
i like to point fingers at their lives and tell them what to do
but i dun really know how to encourage
i dun really noe how to mourn alongside them
to travail alongside them
to just be there when they need me
to make the suffering a little less and the soothing aliitle more

well to the ppl to whom ive been nothing but good adivce
i apologize
i'll try my very best to learn how to mourn alongside you next time

when it comes to blogging, blagging, doodling online or whatever you call it
hmm
well
many people would sometimes view it as an narcissistic exercise
i mean
hmm
well i guess its the idea of writing stuff for people to read
even my blog
which obviously doesnt get much traffic(i dont expect anyone to read this post)
but yeah
the worry is always there that people will eventually read what we write
formulate opinions and judgements on us
and yeah
come to own little conclusion on us
should i write down this- will it make me look shallow/like an ivory tower/ like so depressed emo junkie/ like some prude
do we write to impress?
do we write so that people can keep up to date with us
or maybe think a little kinder of us than we deserve

well
after such an expository
i havent actually made any points
so i guess i shd start
i guess blogging is
well
being public, but yet
gah
i guess i write because i figure if i stop writing, one day i fear id lose the ability to put my brain on paper
which i think is already happening
i blog because im a social misfit(well thats one reason)
i have no idea how to say the things i want to say face to face
hiding behind a computer screen
i guess it gives me super powers

the question is raised
what shd i blog about
the happy moments
the sad moments
the minute details of my life or the great big happenings- which are too few and far between
shd i blog about crap
or try to sound meaninful and insightive

i think im beginning to realise that the important thing is to be honest, even when blogging
many people feel my blog is depressive, well at least was depressive
well, on one hand, maybe i am/was a sad depressed emo junkie or something like that
or maybe i only blogged when i had something to whine abt
the happeir moments, which were fewer, i kept to myself
but trying not to be crude
thats my business
like ling quan once told me
since u wanted to post it
y not
its, the same i guess as speaking your mind
blog from the heart
and i guess from the mind/brain
no point worrying abt critics
cos we'll find them no matter the form of expression/except those they dont see
if people would gather their final observations of us from what we scribble on the internet
well
its speaks more about who they are than who we are
blog if u have something to say
blog when u have something to say
blog what you have to say
i guess, be it happy sad, deep, shallow, disturbing, encouragine, total nonsense
its a blog isnt it?
not some masterpiece or portfolio after all
blog and let the readers read
at their own peril and digression

time has crept up on us
now all our j1s have graduated
now we're a bunch of old fogeys
with only our memories, as proof of who we were

time has gone and taken away the ease
given us an awkwardness a silence hard to break
so much has gone on
how do u talk about it
how can u say the same things
when i, u, we're no longer the same
we've gone and grown up
grown apart
and whos to blame
how do you tell friends-forever-supposedly
that we're worlds apart

friendship adapts evolves i guess
but what are we now
i dun really know
we dun exist simply for the sake of hanging or going out
so what do we exist for
good feelings and good will die off sooner or later
are we dead yet

they've opened a starbucks at thompson plaza...... whooooooooooooo
ok fine
it has been opened for some time now(thx for the heads up short one)
but yeah i am living under a rock
the unmistakable conclucsion is that my standard of living thus goes up blah blah blah
and our ruling government is doing such a great job
heee
wadever

im thinking of getting a new guitar
this cheena brand called segovia
or something
yes i know, unknown brand from some cheeena factory and all
but hey
it sounded not bad k
and its not exactly budget bursting
lalala

anyways
ive decided to share one of my crazy dreams here
right here on my blog
whoo
no really
ok
actually it kinda sounds really corny and stuff
it has to do with the whole ideal of the rennasience man
you know the whole da vinci kinda guy
inclined in both the science and the arts
both an inventor and a philo/psycho hahaha kinda guy
i mean yeah
i could do without the potrait painting part
especially creepy potraits of women and stuff
but yeah
to be a complete man
holistic and stuff
ok maybe not that strong in the physical department and stuff
but using both halves of the grey matter and stuff
ive always loved the arts
eh
well
at least i think i do
and yeah
i guess my aptitude lies in the sciences
gah
all i know is that right now
both halves of my brain is rotting in army

anyways id like to right something abt one crazy dream that i no longer entertain
thank you, special person
for
for being you
too hardworking, too nice to disturb
for being so much fun to talk to
all the notes u lent me to photocopy
all the waking me up during f math lectures and stuff
u were
surreal i guess
to me in awhile
i guess im writing all this because ive finally grown out of it
i mean i guess i always had the biggest crush on you for a time
but i realise now
ur in a class of your own
hahaha
im much too
hmm
peasantry

anyways
i thank you
for being gracious with me
if i was too
hmm
too me
i'll always consider you to be such a great friend
one of my best
even though we dun talk tt much anymore
thanks for entertaining my calls on all the wrong days
and the promise of free donuts even though i got none
for always being you
so encouraging and stuff
yeah for being too nice
dun mug too hard
it'll give u wrinkles
thanks for being in awhile
uncorruptible and stuff
blah

anyways
thanks for meeting me for breakfast at bk and stuff
even with all the background disturbances and stuff
hahaha
yeah strange
all the definingg moments at pasir ris involve u
well at least in my mind
lalalal
may u find happiness in the coming year
yeah
find joy and all the contment in this life and the next

felicity

candycane dreams, mistletoe madness
oh whistful heartaches
wont you tarry with me awhile
forelorn longing, languid ruminations
let me catch my breath
let me stay the night
im falling sliding slipping drowning

dying

wont you be my anchor, my core

id give the world to stay
id lose myself to find you
you will be found
wont you
wont you

one totally randome thing i must say
im not the only freak
handsome wan also wants to get an auto license
so there

well todays a funny day
just found out one of my oldest friends(as in ive known him for way too long)
has gotten attached
not just but for a few months
sneaking around behind my back and stuff
lol

well
anyways
ive decided to do some random post on my likes and dislikes
since well
its christmas
and in case anyone wants to get me a really last last minute gift
hee

well lets see
i like
orange juice
cheese
er
good food in moderation
shopping(no im not a h******)
eh
the piagu piagu water dispenser from action city(even though i dont own one yet)
eh
music-christian rock
a house with a white picket fence hee

bleagh
anyways
i seem to have reached another point
where the water seems to have gotten stale
and im going nowhere
bleagh
dunno wad to say really

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! Last Thursday I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). In June I had a shoot-out with rival gang lords on the 5 near LA (-76 points). Last month I helped across the street (6 points). Last Wednesday I put money in 's expired parking meter (14 points). In February I got in line at the supermarket at the same time as someone else and I didn't yield (-8 points). Overall, I've been nice (262 points). For Christmas I deserve a shiny red ball! Sincerely, quekjr

lol i know this is ripped from LJ but i couldnt resist posting it

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

Daydream delusion
Limosine Eyelash
Oh, baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wine glass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet cakes and milkshakes
I am a delusioned angel
I am a fantasy parade.
I want you to know what I think.
Don't want you to guess anymore.
You have no idea where I came from.
We have no idea where we're going.
Launched in life.
Like Branches in the river.
Flowing downstream.
Cought in the current
I'll carry you, You carry me.
That's how it could be
Don't you know me, Don't you know me by now.

i have to share this poem
bleagh
for those of you who dont know
its from the movie Before Sunrise
one of the indie greats
gosh
i think its the best romantic film ive ever watched
but yeah
i guess sunday duties arent a total waste
well aside from staring my favourite actor and all
lalalal
anyways
i guess it got me thinking about conversation and how im really weak in that department
and how its not just about the talking but its about the connection

before i shoot myself in the foot or rather
having shot myself in the foot
i guess id better try and make sense of my previous outburst

firstly, im not pointing fingers at anyone blaming them for being caught up in boys university and army
and all
heck no matter where i go, i guess table talk is table talk
although i dont talk about boys
.................................................
but what i feel is that
hmm
gosh how to put it

its just that i feel we havent lived up to our calling
u know
its like how we used to advertise
sfc- not just a group who meets to pray

but i dunno
maybe we should have met to pray more
its not something about living up to expectations
but we forgot our fundamentals
not that we didnt pray and all
but
hmm
well
not to put down the whole bdae culture
in fact i was quite blessed by it
but yeah
hmm
somehow i dunno whether im just confused but some bdae plans were more intricate than our plans for prayer meetings

yes
its something ideological and all
but well
sfc
i just i guess expected more from myself
u know
being a SAINT FOR CHRIST member and all
i guess i had the high and lofty view of being beyond a normal group
i guess i forgot that being a group brings with it all the normalcy of problems, abit of politics here, and squabbles there
i just i dun know
maybe im going through a midlife crisis
you know
when im growing older
balding, getting a beer belly and wondering what happened to the dreams of my youth

gosh
no im not balding

i know no one ever talks about it
but well, i realised everytime i went out with aloy we talked about GOd
what HE was doing/is doing and stuff
i mean yeah
he doesnt hang out with us much anymore
and im guilty of not hanging out with him much too
but yeah

i just i guess
wish we were more orientated to the name that we bear

maybe its some hidden desire to be special or something
gah
i just wish, the admonishments, the encouragements, the spurring on
the iron sharpening iron
would i guess
be more obvious in the spiritual sense

maybe its just army getting to me
discolouring my world and making me a cynic
ahaha
but
i dunno
its just i guess
being ideological
living up to ideas is a tough bargain

sorry
im feeling confused
its like a sudden epiphany has caused my house of cards to come crashing down

but yes
we could have been so much more
what happened

and for those who thing im ruing some forsaken relationship
im not
its something i find altogether more serious

any group that deviates from its original aims and visions will ultimately lose itself
i guess that's what happened to us
we started of as a bunch of people
wanting to impact the school
wanting to bring revival
then we became caught up with each other and ourselves
and sooner or later
it feels now like we're more of a social club
a birthday club so to speak

fun and outings are fun and good
yes
but i guess we stopped supporting each other enough spiritually and focused more on social and emotional ties

tts wad i feel sometimes
its kinda sad
really
the state of things
how they've detoriated
not that its not my fault
but i guess we forgot
that while we did step down
we never should really have stepped down

i guess we failed la
we forgot
got distracted
when there was so much potential for spiritual growth
and well
fellowship that really brings out the best in people
but no
we concentrated more on what everyone else was interested in
and while yes
gossip and relationships are juicy
i think we've really missed the mark
bleagh
maybe im becoming deaf and dotard
but somehow this has been bugging me

we were supposed to be more than this
we are supposed to be more than this
we are more than this
but why arent we?

i realised i forgot to blog about guys day out ytd
ahahha
well i went to play badminton with a bunch of church ppl
and ended up christmas shopping with leslie poh and gerald ho
hahahah
super fun
and i got alot done too
wheeeeee
a disclaimer

just because i enjoy shopping
it doesnt make me a h*****

anyways
ive realised how alot of my tastes have changed
gosh
we went to starbucks
and the toffee nut latte was
wow

i used to swear by americano
but now im starting to wish starbucks was always on christmas specials
maybe its because ive learnt to live without a caffinne shock

anyways
today at fish and co. was interesting
on one hand i think im becoming hard of hearing
gah
too much loud rock music
how it will affect my sound career
gah
dont want to think about it
for the time being
anyways
ive realised how weve really all moved on
table talk for them revolves around their school lives and their social lives
and for guys like me around army and the lack of our social lives

bleagh

through some parts i felt quite removed
like ive become some stranger
entropy has a way of affecting friends
i guess
we all move on
and we dont always co-exist on the same frequency forever

well

hahahaha
i cannot resist
but i shall try my best

i have realised how some people have managed to remain NOT attached
let me repeat
NOT attached
its funny really how there is a SHORTage of UN-attached personnel
(if anyone asks, im talking about ian lau)
lol
lol

im getting the feeling that this post is totally random and pointless
but well

im thinking of changing my blog
i still love the minimalistic background
but well
i used to blog i guess
in a sense to assure myself of my existance
like how if i write down a part of me onto a fragment of the internet
i'll somehow have left my mark

but i guess i really haved changed from those times
i blog because
well
because i feel like saying alot of things sometimes
but there isnt really an audience

hai
i dont know why i cant seem to keep a monologue going in one direction
maybe its the depression i get from not being out of camp on a sunday
well
the bright side is i'll finally get to watch the indie classics:
before sunset
and
before sunrise

lalalala
i do enjoy romanticism in moving pictures and literature if done tastefully
but well
i guess im not that sentimental in real life

ive developed a liking for reading classics even though im no lit student
i want to read dante's inferno, homer's odessy and iliad and a translation of beowolf before i die
although id probably die from the attempt

i believe a bloggers post should reflect his psyche
and yes
mine is kinda random and disjointed at the moment
i feel like the whole metaphysical narrative is starting to become disordered

on a last note
i wish i knew kevin(sfc pres 06-07)
was enlisting so soon
i wanted to go out with him for a quick drink at least once
gah
and now he's in mohawk
omg
hai
well
we'll see after his confinement
maybe some arrangement will appear and all

im gonna die from all this randomness

blogging bcos im probably not gonna be able to blog for awhile

got alot of duties in camp

bleagh

9 points

brandon

please take 2 from me

*goes on my knees in a totally shamless act of emotional blackmail*





anyways

ahahah

this news is a week old

but i got a small scar of the letter "i"

on my left thumb

no im not into some new form of sado masochistic mortification

but yeah

i got it because had the brilliant idea of going round the medical centre in a wheel chair like 10 times in a wheelchair and i scratched myself on the wheelchair break
well it was fun(when ur only in a wheelchair out of choice)


lol

i know

my life is boring and bo liao

no great news about social outings

and great parties

and stuff



i stay in camp alot

bleagh

sorry timmy

sorry handsome wan

i dont want to do some sai gang in gedong

bleagh

id rather go cheer as they give out your chocolate bar

when u become some super popular musican

remember me ok

give me some business let me learn some sound stuff behind the scenes

and yeah

free memoriabilia and stuff
10% off all profits from sales

but i guess

God has been mercyful

as much as i havent exactly gotten the slackest treatment

or the most comfortable postings

yet i guess He's bringing me through all of this



i screwed up so many times on tuesday

but well

it turned out alright

i hope



anyways

just something thats been bugging me
but i suddenly feel old
gosh
no really
especially when i attend youth service recently
so many young personnel of whom i dont know 10% of their names(nor do i really plan on finding out)
now that all the old ones have moved on to young adults
i kinda feel stranded
in a strange land
gosh
well
like ive been saying
room for remorse but no regrets
yes i could have done more
served more
did more sound duties
but i guess i needed to learn how much church life really mattered
the hard way
i guess its Gods way of teaching a stubborn pig like me


so i guess i'll give it a shot
and do my best while im still in youth
no room for regrets

some days i feel like crying
other days i wish i could just lay down and die

but i go on
because i know that You are bringing me through this all
and i know You are good
oh so good
live the dream
look for a house with a white picket fence
lol

u may think the previous post was all fluff and happiness

but dont be fooled

ive still gotta book in tml

and live goes on

more crap, well almost literally

me blogging again
whooo
lol
sorry
i think ive grown more retarded recently


u may think halfway through this post that it is all fluff and happiness and somehow jeremys gone nuts
but dont be fooled
ive still gotta book in tml
and live goes on on its sucky tread
well done

well for starters
ive finally gotten to eat at the fig and the olive
wahahah
me and mr lian
not a bad place
if ur willing to spend 10 dollars for a touch of mediterranian
good stuff
kebab with olive bread and all that

hahah
ive just ended a week of off
and well
hmm
spent most of it in church(our new location)
helping with the new set up
it now looks soooooooooooooo professional
(hehe since i helped)
whahahahah
on another note
i feel the move of location is really good
in some ways i guess the move helps bring people out of a mode which they found really comfortable
a breath of fresh air
good
i think

anyways
i havent really blogged about what ive learnt during wallaby
hmm
it was a surreal trip
seemingly neverending
isolation
hahah
sounds like suvivor
but i guess ive realised how futile certain whims of mine were
we've all in the business of growing up
and i guess ive made quite some progress through the trip
wahahah
if i may say so myself

speaking of surreal experiences
i think my good friend tim25136512631 has had quite some in this past year
lol, the last time i used a simple alphanumeric name substitute someone found it funny
strange really
ive been thinking how else to hide his identity
anonyms like mr sfc, mr life concert, tim meyers, timmy emmanuel, mr buikit batok, mr chocolate bar,
gosh
i dun noe
maybe i should just call him handsome wan or something
bleagh

anyways
just a pickle on my mind
but it struck me
that even with all the ups and downs ive seen through with him(though not many)
the one that i found that really defines him would be during the prep stage for life concert
when a certain handsome wan was seriously rebuked by a man with defective face muscles
well handsome wan, never forget the lesson u learnt then
i dun know, but i feel through the whole road up to life concert, learning from that rebuke was the best/worst thing u went through
no matter how high u fly mr handsome wan, how many bars u get, or how big ur fan club grows
remain humble, remain teachable
and yes
remember as president of ur evergrowing tim wan fan club,
i reserve all paraphernalia merchandising rights
hee
oops
did i say something wrong
hahahah

anyways
todays sermon was by andrew yeo(gosh drools wahahha im in his fan club too)
anyways
it was about dreams
about how we should always hold onto our God given dream
well because its God given
sorry if i missed the point
i was busy laughing at the jokes
hai
the irony
funny preachers sometimes mislead people from the main message with their jokes
the more deadpan(emphasis on dead) ones make their point quite clear but fail to catch peoples attention
hai
well
anyways
hmm
yeah i guess i have kinda forgotten the dreams i used to have
not one for dream chasing
but yeah
hold on to your God given dreams
because they are God given
hmm
although i do have this (american) dream
of living in a nice house
with a white picket fence, beautiful wife and all that
lol
i think im another poor fool corrupted by western media

bleagh


anyways
cheers
to all those who will finally earn 1k plus a month and own a cool sword
on a side note
ive got a hongkee acquantance who
in london worked as a bank clerk
and earned 12 pounds an hour
doing the simple math of a 9-5 job 5 day work week
tt adds up to about 6 k a month
gosh

drools

ive decided
im gonna throw away my future job ambitions and uni education
fly to london and work as a bank clerk
and by the time i reach senior clerk
i'll come back and buy the whole of potong pasir
ahahhahahaha
and i'll own the opposition land, and i'll declare it a new state
jemland or something

ahhh
sweet bliss
lol
if u want to be called sir
go to macdonalds
if u want a sword
buy it at ceasars
but well, i guess ur way isnt tt bad too
ahahhahaha
cheeros
we need to go drinking sometime soon man
ahhhhhhh
and to all the people who do use my tagboard
strictly english please
i find chinese repulsive
even if u are my little sister

and yes all good things come to an end
and so i book in
and find myself in some vulgar alternate dimension
where assholes sit at the top of the ladder
gosh
what can i do
but suck my thumb and hold on
if ive learnt one thing at all
its not that life gets any better
but we become better people

throughout the whole of wallaby,

one thought really struck me,

how im really directionless and clueless in this life

i dont know where i want to go

i dont have any idea what i want to do

all i have are some vague premonitions

im back

i guess it wasnt really a wasted trip
i did watch a whole season of heroes
and hmm
well
i did read 8 books
1. the historian
2. eleven minutes
3. crime and punishment
4. the sea
5. alice in wonderland
6. blink
7. kite runner
8. the wind up bird chronicles

wad was it like?
it was like
well going to a far away place for a really long time
not so much suffering from the conditions but rather the homesickness

well
at least im home now

one last post before i go
this one to the person at home who puts a smile on my face every time i book out
and makes me feel like crying when i have to book in
my grandma
not that she'll read this
but yeah
i guess i need to capture her in a moment too

she's old she's frail
she's taken care of me through the years
i remember how i used to hate her nagging and her fussing
but im starting to miss it now

everytime i book out and see her
she seems weaker
frailer
she cant move around as much
and she seems to forget a whole lot more
i want to spend so much time with her
before i lose her more
im scared for the day when i book out and realise ive lost more of her

i rmbr how i booked out and found out she fell
i rmbr how i booked out and found our she went for an op
maybe its because im getting bigger, but she seems to be getting smaller than i rmbr

gosh
i dont know
we're dying, every second every minute every hour
i wish we'd learn to live like we knew we are dying

sorry for the melodrama

a record of a conversation(well as best as i can remember it)
(forgive me if i cant recall the exact wording, i'll try to keep the essence of it)
(for anonymity sake, i'll call the other person tim2)
hahahahahhahah

context: late one night, after dinner, after drinks(at 711) walking away from jose's house
tim2: i feel that this group of friends is drifting apart
me:well i guess we should have expected it
me: anyways, we should always remember, we came together to be more than a social club
me: we should always stand for more, we're saints for christ remember
tim2: ahah, well i think we've drifted away from that

then the conversation drifts away to some lame shit about taiwan and aus

timmy, im praying for u even as ur in taiwan
take care bro

i want to hold on to a moment, a memory,
i want to relive it for eternity
but time moves on without me
and i feel ive lost it now
u said ive earnt a place on your wall
well, u've no idea whats on mine
i wish i could go back
but all i can do is to go on
trying to honour what we stood for
yup
trying to honour what we stood for

to another important person
im sorry
i didnt mean to make u feel sad
it was i guess, an expansion of my ego and my self pity
shouldnt have dragged u into my abyss
i should be bringing u more smiles than creases
i guess, well smile for me
i'll be back stronger- i hope
i still need to pass you your present rite?

we're broken people in a broken world
trying to make sense of it all
we're broken people in a broken world
trying to hold it togetehr
we're broken people in a broken world
trying to hold on to each other

and to a short, efficient snail
hmm
i guess you're right
emo is retarded
but i love being grumpy

how long have I been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright everything's alright

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

well, since id better update before this place gets deader, like thats possible
anyways
i guess i should write something about something........ duh
well at least something close to my heart

well
being the socially deprived, and stunted person i am
i guess i should take a while to appreciate the people whom i do call friend

something i find really interesting


i entered jc thinking id hate all ac boys guts
maybe it was 10 years of education behind that
haha
then my sfc pres became an ac guy
and i met chaos
haha
and i soon unlearnt what 10 years of flying sa colours taught me

hahaha
well
maybe i do bully chaos abit too much still
but hey
at least i dont do it maliciously......

the same ticket, mine black, his white,
jigsaw pieces too
didnt know we'd carry around the same false hopes and wishes, the same memories and realised dreams

crazy world aint it
well maybe 2 out of many isnt such a bad track record
anyways
im going to wallaby tml
and it seems for some reason that no matter who i try and meet up with
its fated not to happen
meh
its sucks, more than i thought it would

You are my strength when I am weak.
You are the treasure that I seek.
You are my All in All.
Seeking You as a precious jewel.
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool.
You are my All in All.

daresnt i hold on
even as my world come crashing down
who else do i have

im so so scared
i dont know how to face another day
but You
You are there
even in the darkness
wiping away the tears that refuse to fall
piecing me back together even as i shatter

help me God
to hold onto You even as everything else slips away

i throughly enjoyed myself, wind in my hair and all that
thanks
wish it lasted longer
but i guess that's my doing
hmm

you are
amazing
don't let anything tell you otherwise

we are who are,
no more, no less
cause even if the world doesnt admit it
we're not the one's off axis

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

i dont know,
it never stops raining around these parts
where is my sunshine? please dont take it away

i think i may have just found the light again

just watched hairspray...
amazing how much i enjoyed it
havent watched a "happy" movie in a long time

haha

well
its the first long weekend ive gotten in some time
time to rest and get refreshed


...........and there comes a time in one's life,
when one begans to consider...................



and no jiayan, my name isnt teddy......................

back from a long long tekong trip
well
any trip to tekong is too long
especially when it ends up burning my weekends
well
seen enough casualties for a life time
this time it was a guy who lost a bit of the tip of his index finger

one thing i did learn was that all the people in my unit who carry 3 bars on their shoulders tend to be a******....
well
i guess there are lots more, but i guess its poignant when these specimens in question wield such power...

u'd expect that having the talent and character to warrent promotion, these people would be a level above the rest

all ive figured out is that they stink alot more than the rest

bleagh why talk about them

just when i thought i was getting used to it
it gets worst

now i just figure im getting used to the way things stink

i just got my weekend burnt due to the army half marathon cover
gosh
i dont think i'll forget it for some time to come
how often do we get casualties who die?

i wasnt that involved in his case i guess





am i always so disconnected from others

someone dies in front of me,
accidents happen around me
and i dont feel a thing inside




well on another note
i met this really cute girl at the ahm

......

a picture i find really relevant


Indifference. by ~Ejsz on deviantART

how could i come to such a point

where all i thought i was

all i believed in now seem so contrary to my path



have i become so easily what i despised



how could it be so easy to fall out of love



how can the heart grow so cold, the well grow so dry



when at last the cirucmstances are turning up



would i lose myself



am i too far to save

is my throat too dry to cry out



i thought i would be nothing without Him

right now, i'm not nothing

just something very self-dillusioned

something very miserable

something lost



not much better huh

but i dont know anymore

i really dont

seem to have lost the ginger bread trail

or maybe im just unable to see it anymore



help me someone

im getting alot of weekends burnt until national day parade
so yeah
dun expect for updates
but here's one
just to breath some life into these dry bones

To love is to risk not being loved in return.
But risk we must, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing

Pulled all of that off someone elses blog

i would've made a commentry on it but well
ive just realised im in no position to
love, i dun know well enough
fear, maybe too well

anyways at this point id really just like to thank someone
for really encouraging me,
for being there (well maybe not in person)
hmm
well at least for paying attention to me
the messages you send me, may not seem like much
but they do lift my spirits when im feeling down in camp
thanks for being that special special encouragement

anyways,
just some random thoughts:


i've been wondering if He were to ask me
"do you love me?"

how would i answer
how could i answer
i'd love to say yes
and mean it
but how could i dare

i dont love Him with my time
i dont love Him with my money
i dont even dare to lose face for Him

but i dont dare say i dont
because
well
because im scared to
to admit that maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with my faith
something wrong with me

that even with everything He's ever done in me and done for me, i havent learnt how to love Him back

at least St. Peter dared to answer that he loved Jesus at least at the level of a friend

am i too cold to feel
too hard to save
too close to the edge to make it back

a writer i love wrote(not word for word cos i cant rmbr)

that its in the realization that we dont feel like loving God, or dont love God much
that we come to love Him more

i guess its in realising that id so often chose some other distraction
some other fix instead of Him,
i guess its then i find my feet
and can walk to Him

well
its not much
but i figure at least if He asks me
"Do you love me?"
i know what to say



help me to

whence mirth and merriment mix
does sorrow with joy flow
such beauty till now have i not beheld

by jonah 33

Search me, know me
Try me and see
Every worthless affection hidden in me
All I'm asking for is that You'd cleanse me, Lord

Create in me a heart that's clean
Conquer the power of secret shame
Come wash away the guilty stain of all my sin
Clothe me in robes of righteousness
Cover my nakedness with grace
All of my life before You now I humbly bring

how perfectly despicable
incompetent imbecile

so what if he does that for a living
driving me around in circles
wasting me time
so what if it may affect his rice bowl

that pusillanimous wimp
that arrogant bastard

so what if he's so much weaker
striking me in the back
i could have, should have beaten him to a pulp
as i stood over him

oh my God
am i still so far from what i should be
so much pride
so much apathy
wheres the humility
wheres the empathy

how perfectly despicable
incompetent imbecile
that pusillanimous wimp
that arrogant bastard

what kind of man am I
where's Your grace, Your love, Your mercy?


help me to find my way to Your mercy seat
to the place where im made more than i could ever be

im just beginning to see

all the brokeness inside

in me

in those around me



why are we so afraid of letting others see how weak we really are

how frail

why must we put up this mirage that we can take it

that we can hold it together

when we're really struggling to breathe

struggling to keep afloat



we're crying out for help on the inside

but we're too proud to show



all the pain, disappointment, hurts

broken dreams, broken hopes, broken lives......



we yearn and pine for someone to hold our hands through it all

to give us that little bit to make it better

to tide us over



but no one ever seems to hit the spot



we cut ourselves, our hands/our hearts

to numb one pain

we run and run

seeking solace and forgetfulness

our tears fall, we harden our caloused hearts

but we fall too many times

and end up broken

inevitable

maybe



thank God i found Him

or rather

He found me



the one who will hold our hands

carry us on His back

collect our tears

and mend our hearts

the one who makes it alright

who holds together our reality

even as it seems to split at its seams



teach me Lord
to be merciful
to love those who need Your love
to look past the cold exterior and see the needs
to learn to love as You love
purify my heart
make me as clean as snow again

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love

You come to me with your scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry,
I'm fine
But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you
They don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everwhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your handI will help you hold on
Tonight, tonight

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everwhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend aloneI
'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night away from me
Away from me

when i first got my posting
i was dumbfounded
i had been praying and asking God give me a good posting
but when i heard i got 41 SAR
well
my heart dropped

sad, down
disappointed with God
i felt betrayed by the one i knew most faithful

with all the voices aoround me telling me i shd be demoralized,
what was i to do

i had to go back to camp on sat
just to immunise some new recruits

dragged my feet to church afterwards

as in the previous few weeks
found most of it disinteresting at first

its hard really
when ur in a ministry when almost everyone is in a different time zone

its like everyone is either ahead
or behind

having walked the path
or not even on the road yet

on one hand, i yearn to have people to struggle alongside me
on the other, i guess
i guess i dont like to be vulnerable
i dont want people to pity me

when i feel let down by God
and stranded from His people

but He who is faithful even when we're faithless
i guess He always will be
Even when He was doing all those wonderful things for the people up front
He spared someone to come share with and comfort me
as i sat at the sidelines
someone to just sit there with me
as i broke down in tears
as i sobbed

i didnt plan on crying
but i guess God knew better
it feels so much better now thats its out
all those feelings of disappointment and betrayal
not that it makes easy to walk the road
but i guess
i guess i needed it

part of me wanted so much to find company in other sources
something else to numb the pain and tide me over these tough times
and to hold onto to
something like prozac
well not exactly
prozac doesnt exactly count as human company

hmm

i guess
hmm
maybe its not time yet
hmm
i have no idea

as He leads i suppose

i guess im learning how to be vulnerable
not to just hide in the dark
but to well
allow others to help tide me over
i guess i need to learn how to cry again

Falling inside the black-skillet

This song is self explanatory

Tonight I'm so alone
This sorrow takes ahold
Don't leave me here so cold
Never want to be so cold

Your touch used to be so kind
Your touch used to give me life
I've waited all this time, I've wasted so much time

Don't leave me alone
Cause I barely see at all
Don't leave me alone,

I'm falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back
Dreaming of the way it used to be
Can you hear me

falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back
Falling inside the black
Falling inside
falling inside
the black

You were my source of strength
I've traded everything
That I love for this one thing
Stranded in the offering
Don't leave me here like this
Can't hear me scream from the abyss
And now I wish for you my desire

Don't leave me alone cause I barely see at all

so all around falls to the ground
and im left stranded... struggling to breathe

too weak to kneel
too frail to let go

i find an old familiar shadow envelope me again

who's there to catch me
to keep me from the brink
i wish i could tell myself i could
but i've bluffed myself once too many

so i plunge
down down down
will there be any of me left after i hit the ground?

dig-an anatomy

I had a big idea
I had a crazy eye
I broke the sacred seal
I told a lazy lie

I've had my conscience bent
I've had my patience tried
I've been up in the desert and down by the river side

Will the eagle fly
If the sky's untrue
Do the faithful sigh
Because they are so few

Remember when I cried
Remember when you knew
Remember the look in your eyes
I know I do

And count the stars to measure time
The earth is hard, the treasure fine
To the sea, I crawl on my knees

Feel it coming in
Feel it going out
Water covers sin
Blood covers doubt
So I begin again
Again the kneeling bow
There was a time that I might have surrendered
But not now

Consult the cards to measure mine
The earth is hard, the treasure fine
To the sea I crawl on my knees

Consult the cards to measure my
The earth is hard, the treasure fine
At the sea I wait on my knees
At the sea I wait on my knees
At the sea I wait on my knees

i love this song...
maybe because it seems so real to me

this song talks about sin and falling away
and the dilemma we face in entering God's presence and doing God's work because of our very sin
it also talks about how this dilemma eats us up from the inside..
we who have tasted God's goodness and encountered Him...how we will never forget our encounter with Him... and yet..

it speaks so much about the struggle we face in returning to God after our sin
of how the vicious cycle continues
where we are forgiven
but return to our sin
and have to come crawling back to be forgiven again and again

of how we struggle so to humble ourselves before God

and yet
the beautiful thing is that it is a melachonic song of eventual victory
of how we who have tasted His goodness
will never let go
till we make it
at the sea, i wait on my knees

so often we tell ourselves we cant possibly lonely
we have friends around us
loved ones
bosom pals who have our backs and to whom our hearts we share

we say that we have friends and so we should be happy

but we find ourselves sad
and melachonic
lacking colour despite the vividness of our social lives

but we bluff ourselves
we cant be sad
we cant be lonely
we're much better than that
at least we should be

but a voice tells us we're not
that welling discontentment that springs up from and unknown depth in our hearts

sometimes i guess we forget
the difference between appearance and existance
we dont look lonely
but thats because we're good actors
we dont look sad
because we've trained our plaster smiles

whats so wrong with lonliness anyway?
isnt sadness just another emotion
short-lived though unpleasant
like its sunnier counterpart?

isnt all that we pursue
this happiness
this end of the rainbow crap
just a passing phase?

there is hole in the depths of our hearts
one that we try to ignore
or cover up by filling ourselves with friends and meaningful activities
but nothing fits

we forget about the fundamental view
nothing good abt fundamentalism
just that sometimes
looking at the question of purpose does get things into balance

we were created for Him, by Him, through Him
only something in His will, from Him can fill us
because we were made that way

may we not be doomed to chase pretty rainbows
all our lives
and at the end
to be found wanting
still as empty
but with no more time left to give
to hold onto everything but lose all?
or to give up everything
just to gain...
the one thing that truly comes free

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

so im left here wondering why

u take me in even with my iniquity

my indifference

my indecisiveness....

so many times i want to go my own way

to chase after pretty rainbows



thought myself stoic

but now i see the truth

of the approval that i so seek

i guess im scared of being vulnerable
but truth is, embracing one's weakness is strength
in some paradoxical fashion

ahh
paradoxes
they run through even the fabric of a metaphysical reality
but on a more personal level
i guess in admitting my spiritual level isnt alright
i guess i grow in love for Him

sometimes i wish i could go further than the admitting part
sometimes i wish i could be more
be better
help me find a way
back to that place
where everything fades
and only love remains

lifehouse-only one

She's got a pretty smile it
covers up the poison that she hides
She walks around in circles in my head
waiting for a
Chance to break me a
chance to take me down
now i see this burden you gave me is too much to Carry
too much to bury inside

i guess you're the only one
that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one left standing when everything else goes down
You're still the only one,
you're still the only one

It's all shallow and all so appealing
I'm up to my ankles and i'm drowning
Anyway in a sea of sarcastic faces familiar places
everything looks Quite the same here
it's all confusingly
amusing bitter and tainted The picture you painted to me

i guess you're the only one
that nobody changes
i guess you're The only one left standing when everything else goes down
you're still the only one
Who will never change faces
i guess you're the only one left standing When everything else goes down

just 'cause it's all in your head
Doesn't mean it has to be in mine
don't believe what you said
still can't get it out of my mind

I've tried to find myself in approval
i've already been there
already done that
it got me nowhere
It brought me nothing
but a good place to hide in
no one to confide in now

I guess you're the only one
that nobody changes i guess
you're the only one who will never Change faces
i guess you're the only one

When you close your doors, and make darkness within, remember never to say that you are alone, for you are not alone; nay, God is within, and your genius is within. And what need have they of light to see what you are doing?
epictetus -discources

found this quote ironically when i was searching for some spiderman 3 stuff
dont ask me how
but i think it speaks much

especially for us botaks
on far off islands or camps
even when no one sees
or at least when no one we care about sees

we are never alone

i loved the wind on tekong
to most it provided relief and refreshment
but i guess i saw in it something more
its biblical to meterphorise God with the wind
especially the Spirit person of the Godhead(this isnt gonna be a theology lesson)
i guess i began to take the wind as a sign of God's promise
of his presence and protection with me
especially on the days i needed it more

maybe i was overdramatising wind
but i guess there is some truth
that God is always there with us
sometimes the knowledge is enough
other times we need a nudge to help us hold on


to those on a god-forsaken island
well not really
but yeah
when the cold wind blows
know that Gods Spirit is still moving
and He is watching out for us

hmm
wads new
i guess its food for thought how sometimes we can walk a road so long but not walk very far on it

hmm
its amazing how fickle i am
how i can..........

well at least for today im on track
at least i hope i am

so often things lose their meaning
and i find myself like a zombie
going around without purpose

i wish i could learn how to cling
to remain
to hold on to purpose
to hold this track

so often we get tired and disillusioned
and end up chasing other illusive dreams

keep me
wont u
keep me
ps. on a seperate note, i bought new shoes
haha

hmm
wads new
i guess its food for thought how sometimes we can walk a road so long but not walk very far on it

hmm
its amazing how fickle i am
how i can..........

well at least for today im on track
at least i hope i am

so often things lose their meaning
and i find myself like a zombie
going around without purpose

i wish i could learn how to cling
to remain
to hold on to purpose
to hold this track

so often we get tired and disillusioned
and end up chasing other illusive dreams

keep me
wont u
keep me
ps. on a seperate note, i bought new shoes
haha

tossed up and down in the waves
i find my grip slipping
appalled at my lack of discipline and stability
somethings gotta give

i know i need you
but is knowing enough

i wish i were more
but thats just not the case
am i even enough
will i ever be?

well
im now a medic in training
for those of you wondering
and for those of you who have no medical background,
we dont train poking needles into our buddies
we poke cannulas
ahahah
wadever

anyways
i guess hmm
well ive been really idiotic as of late
doing imbecilic things
lalala

well at least im having the time of my life over there at nee soon
anyways
i guess this song really ministered to me
tts y im posting it
duh

Almighty God,
the great I am
immovable rock,
omnipotent, powerful,
awesome Lord
victorious Warrior c
ommanding King of Kings,
Mighty Conqueror

and the only time, the only time I ever saw Him run

is when He ran to me,
took me in His arms
held my head to His chest, said
"my son's come home again"
looked at my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
with forgiveness in His voice he said
"son, do you know I still love you?"

it caught me by surprise,
brought me to my knees
when God ran


the day I left home, I knew I had broken His heart
I wondered then if things could ever be the same
then one night, I remembered His love for me
and down that dusty road ahead I could see
I saw Him run to me

it caught me by surprise
brought me to my knees
when God ran

character

an epiphany
haha
no
actually i read it from my devotional material
character is who you are when no one is looking
what you are willing to stand for when people are
it is who you strive to be
and what you can be trusted with

well
according to that,
hmm, im a bastard,
and nothing much significant
but anyways
well
enough pessimism for once
amidst all my headaches and heartaches, i think this song has moved me so yeah

I’ve waited all my life to be here face to face.
I never knew that I could feel this kind of grace.
The way You show me that
Your blood has washed me clean,
Could never be erased; it lives inside of me.

Take me to that secret place,
Where I can only see Your Face,
And nothing else will ever feel this way.
You take away my guilty stains,
The things I’ve done that I can’t change,
It’s only by the Power of Your name.

I stand here in this place,
See the Glory on Your Face,
Taken by the wonder of Your name.
I’m desperate for Your touch,
Never needed it so much,
Cause all I want is You.

When all the things around me have fallen to the ground
I’m always thankful for the love in You I’ve found.

who am i

who am i
identity has always posed a philosophical dilemma
but no, i shall not attempt to take on scopes quite beyond me
at least not at my current exposure to intelligent activity

rather, ive been troubled by this question in a more localised sense
who am i
who do i claim to be
what am i actually beyond all the masks and make up

sometimes i dont dare think about it
not because im scared of the possibilities
but rather
my struggle in formulating an answer reflects on how little i know myself
well after certain incidents and some self reflection
ive learnt some new things about myself

im a coward
and a bigot
a pharisee
an elitist
and a brat

well thats a good start i guess
i guess....

well, ive thought of closing down this blog
cos well
its hard to upkeep especially when i dun have com access 5 and a half days a week
but i guess i shall let it live, maybe even if only for a while longer

10 weeks in tekong have pass by
and well
i dun noe why but the last week was probably the most miserable
maybe its because i fell sick
or maybe

hai
entropy is getting to me
whether we like it or not time flows forward
things move on and events cant be reversed
and im left with so many regrets

this cny proves to be the most lonely one yet
with my sis and mom overseas, and the notion of booking in looming
hai

i guess i am an elitist
and maybe alot of things worse than that
i wish

hai

i would give so much just to go back a year or two
but i cant
i guess its about making the most of the present
hopefully i havent screwed it up too much yet

i feel like im sinking
like im losing part of myself
some how i just cant seem to find my place
help me..... please

well, ive thought of closing down this blog
cos well
its hard to upkeep especially when i dun have com access 5 and a half days a week
but i guess i shall let it live, maybe even if only for a while longer

10 weeks in tekong have pass by
and well
i dun noe why but the last week was probably the most miserable
maybe its because i fell sick
or maybe

hai
entropy is getting to me
whether we like it or not time flows forward
things move on and events cant be reversed
and im left with so many regrets

this cny proves to be the most lonely one yet
with my sis and mom overseas, and the notion of booking in looming
hai

i guess i am an elitist
and maybe alot of things worse than that
i wish

hai

i would give so much just to go back a year or two
but i cant
i guess its about making the most of the present
hopefully i havent screwed it up too much yet

i feel like im sinking
like im losing part of myself
some how i just cant seem to find my place
help me..... please

sometimes i dont know how much more i can take
sometimes i just dont know

Betrayal
So many dreams and whims,
so many impeteous dreams
yet all i do is fall
far far by the wayside
sometimes the blood flows
sometimes the tears fall
yet so often the cock crows
and You are three times denied

will i just go on and on on this carousel?
running back and forth like a pandoleum?
how many times before i cant get up?

so weak and frail,
yet i dare pride myself
will i be left weeping bitterly
or has the well run dry already
has winter come?
or is this heart of stone turned from clay colder still?

i dont know when any of this will ned
but i do know this

His grace is sufficient for me
Not simply because it has to be
but because it is...

For He made Him who knew no sin,
sin on our behalf
that we may know the righteousness of God in Him...

will i remain?

im the prodigal that never learnt
the junkie struggling to kick it
countless times i strived to make it
but fall so far from the mark

so is this my babylon
my road of perdition

its tiring to have to get up
sometimes i dun noe why i try

just noe that ive got to keep going
lest i shrivel up and die

wish i could see the pot of gold
but i cant even see the rainbow

wish there was a silver lining
but the skies too dark over

All the times I thought to reach up,
all the times I had to give up.

sometimes i wonder what to make of heaven

if only i could find my way
if only............

sometimes i think im alright alone
but sometimes.........

when the cold wind blows

i wish


so many ifs
but well
not for a lack of intent
but for a lack of capability i suppose

King or cripple what have I become?
Beneath these kingly robes there lies a fragile man
What made me a king can sometimes cripple
All that you give can sometimes rob my innocence

Why do you let us walk upon a cliff so steep
When deep below the sea there lies a bed of gold
And if this should be our battle place
Don't let me fall, don't let us fall

Keep me, wont You keep me, keep me, wont You keep me

I love to hold the hand of one who healed the blind
And saw the leper run into your arms of love
King or cripple, they were the same to you
You took the broken man and you treat him like a king

Ive decided to change my blog song
well
not that the previous one is bad but i guess a little change cant hurt
the lyrics are simple yet amazing
and it can be very ministering
especially on lonely tekong nights