Hey, just wanna share something that really encouraged me, i found this at a korean christian cartoon site, and ya, it really makes sense

Loving You

What does it mean to love God?
to adore You?
to draw near to You?
to treat You as a friend?
to fear You with reverance and awe?
to please You?
to submit to You?
to obey?
to live in You
to let You burn in me?
to let You live through me?
to give my life to You?
to die for You?
Is it one of the above, or all?
Can loving You even be quantified?
Can it ever be good enough for You?
Teach me what it means to love You Lord

After the storm

Finally, the truth like a brilliant ray,
glimpses through the overcast gloom and doom.
the confusion clears, the struggle seems to have ended

You are sovereign and all i need is You
You dug up my pain, use it to make me dependant on You
You know what you are doing
I dont.
Encounter me through the pain
Drive me deeper into Your truths

I said that i submitted to You
Guess You're making me live out my words.
Well, i accept the pain, You have Your way.
Mould me, prune me, teach me
Lord i'm frail.
Lord i'm weak
Help me to be devoted to You
Help me to be surrendered, perfectly submitted to Your will
Make me completely after Your heart
take me undividedly

Your ways are higher than mine,
I can't even begin to percieve Your simplest thoughts
You are true, You are faithful
You will never forsake me.
Lord i cry out
do Your work
let my deep cry out to Yours

All in all

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus Lamb of God worthy is your name
Jesus Lamb of God worthy is your name

Taking my sin my cross my shame
Rising again I bless your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Lord i'm in distress,
Lord I'm in anguish.
So many thoughts and doubts remain pertinent in my mind
So much confusion
Do I love You?
If yes,
Why
Why can't i proclaimn that
Is my affection for you that shallow?
Why this dispute within me?
I want to cry out
to cry from the depth, the reccesses of my heart.
I know You hear our cries,
so i cry out to You
This is how i am,
Unforgiving, selfsufficient, non-chalent, hardened, rebellious, unyielding.
Lord come and change me.
You hear my every plea
Even this one which i fail to utter without feeling like a hypocrite.
Lord come
Please
I need You

the wound

I thought it was gone
I thought it was past
that aged wound,
that stung my heart so many moons ago,
i thought i had forgotten all
the pain,
the heartaches,
yet they resurface yet again,
bringing me anguish,
making me struggle.

My bane,
the one who bore me,
one who claimed to love me,
yet in my time of weakness caused me so much pain.
The source of years of agony,
one who i once held dear.

No kid should be told that he is not loved because he is stupid
no kid should feel that his value depends on his studies
no kid should have to doubt whether his mom loves him
no kid should hate going home
no kid should loathe waking up the next day
no kid should have to hate his life
no kid should have to cry himself to sleep
no kid should have to go through that sort of torment
especially when he is only eight.

So many years have passed,
i thought i was over it
i had grown tougher
i thought that i had let go of that pain
i thought that i had forgiven
yet i held that grudge
unable to let go
unable to forgive

Grown distant
strangers dwelling in the same house
greetings a formailty
practiced just to show a facade
yet the silence harboring a deep rift
a contempt

It would be better to let go
to just let everything pass
but im not willing
not willing to forget the pain
wanting to administer my own twisted, sadistic brand of justice
provoking, making life miserable,
not only for the one i hold in contempt,
but myself
letting us all suffer
so that you will have a slight taste of the bitter misery i felt
no kid should have to feel that there is no purpose in life
no kid should have to loathe the next morning for the problems they bring
i cried out to God every nite
asking him to just carry me through
asking him to make all the anguish i felt go away
asking him to make the situation better.

even now, that season long past
the shadow it casts upon my heart still perturbs me
i never heard her apologize for the pain
i never felt her love, genuinely
each time she said, i love you, it seemed so hypocritcal
my sub-consciouss tells me that no mother will let her child go through that.
but i noe it has to be release
it cant stay this way forever
but i dont noe how
Lord help me
Cause i noe that you forgave me, this sinner who wronged You
who didnt deserve Your love
Help me to please You
help me to submit, to lay down my rights.
Cause i simply can't
I can't do it on my own

a new struggle

Why do i find it so hard to love You?
Why is there such a struggle within me to say I love You without feeling like a hypocrite?
Is it me?
Why is there no more excitement in doing your will?
No more joy in simply fellowshipping?
no more excitement in doing your will?
Have i grown cold?
Have i stopped loving You?
Why have i grown so weary?
I feel so obsolete,
unable to please you,
unable to change.
Lord i long for the times when i delighted in doing your will,
I long for times when it was second nature to want shine your light.
Lord bring me back to that place,
bring me back to my first love for You.
For the struggles have caused my heart to become rough and calloused
and numbed my emotions,
and the fire that once burned on the lamps has started to flicker.
Lord i need You
teach me how to love You again
draw me close
cause i noe that without the lifemaker,
wad am i?

Breakthrough

Recently God brought me a personal breakthrough.
It has been a refreshing change to the pervading struggle i face.
Lets hope this fallow period lasts longer than my previous ones(less than 1 wk)

Lets see...
I guess during this period, due to previous events and struggles, i got really tired
it was as if i was in a routine of testing, a rut of struggling which i could not get out of
i got really tired
wanted to give up
refused to surrender to God

But then he heard my cry
He answered
first he told me that he loves me not for wad i can do for him
but for who i am
then he told me to submit
then he told me that although i felt like i was in a rut
but i was growing
and that he saw my pain and anguish
and he collected my tears
and that even though i cried
i was growing
when i heard that, i cried and cried

he feels out pain, our brokeness
he cries alongside us
when we feel wretched
he feels it too
when we struggle to submit
he still loves us
He l0ves us no matter what
it makes us feel so broken sometimes
to know that we are loved even when we fail
it makes us feel so unworthy
so hard to accept his love and grace
but i guess thats why struggling on is worth it
Because He loves us

Something beautiful

something beautiful
something good
all my confustion
he understood
all i had to offer him was brokeness inside
and he made something beautiful out of my life

In my time of struggle, this hymn really spoke to me
Sure, it may be older than my dad
but its just so meaningful

nowadays, the more popular music(hillsongs, planet shakers)
have nice lyrics, beautiful tunes
and are so meaningful emotional, and can be sung again and again when im feelin alrite
but when im struggling
they just make me feel so hypocritical
and then during those times when i sang this hymn to myself
i just cried
its so simply yet complex
so deep
a depth which emotionality doesnt reach

Can't hear his voice,
Can't see his hand
Just can't percieve,
can't understand
All my iniquities,
cheapen his grace,
My own helplessness,
breaks me inside

Why oh God?
Why can't i change?
Why must i always be trapped in this cycle of sin
A cycle of failing, a cycle of iniquities?
I want to cry out:
"Lord change me and use me, mould me Lord,
I want to be a vessel you can use, vessel for noble use"
Yet my heart seks after other things
Things not according to Your will
pleasing my fallen flesh
Take me the rock higher than I
where all other things will grow dim
Help me to give up the ok and the good,
for the best, Your best

the angst

The lies, the discrimination, the anger,
all symptoms of my inability to live for You
Its disturbing that after so long, i haven't changed much
Have i changed at all?
Maybe yes, but is it enough?
I want more, i want to change faster
I'm so tired of failing, so tired of thes poor excuse for a christian.
I'm tired of people not being able to see God's love pouring out from me
Teach me Lord how to love again
Is it too much to ask, that you change me?
That you use me?
i thought i was mature, but i'm still childish
I thought i had grown but in reality it wasnot by much
I thought that i had changed, but i'm still just as weak
I thought that i had surrendered, but im still held on
i thought that i had yielded, but i'm still sitting on the throne
Im just so so far from the end point
and im worn out
Tird of knowing the path to walk but not perservering on it
this makes me feel so wretched inside
to know his grace, his mercy, his love his power
but unwilling to submit
So weak, so frail, so helpless
Lord help me
Change me grow me
mature me use me
dont let me fall
im slipping Lord
hold onto me

in my loneliness, You are there
to reveal Your righeousness in my despair
Jesus I long for You,
there's no one else,
No one like You

And I cry holy, worthy, glory majesty
You reign on high
over all the earth
You are my Lord,
My God and king

As i sing this song softly to myself
I can't help but feel torn
I know i'm supposed to focus on you
and in my wretchedness i need all the more to look to You
but i find it so hard
to just look past my own faults and to see Your grace
I know that in my weakness, your grace is made perfect
But i know i must submit
I must be yielded to You
but i'm not

Oh, To let you take reign in me
to let you live out through me
Why is that such a struggle?
Isit because i'm not walking in your presence?
Somethings gotta give soon
Either my own will, or my hold on the lifegiver
Its so tiring, my heart is so heavy, so down, so torn
as the psalmist cried out to You
"take me to the rock higher than I, than all the worldy things will grow dim in the light of Your glory"

Argh

There is a new storm building up within me.
so many wild thoughts flying around
so many vague emotions welling up within me
I try to make some sense of it,
but i'm too caught up with the circumstance then to find the root
The discrimination, the irritation,
my own ability to love others
My complacency, my fallacies
my pride, my self sufficiency,
my own will.
Have i not died to self?
Have i not denied my flesh?
or do i continue to sit on the throne of my own life

Oh Lord, that you will help me to lay down my life before You.
That You will help me to take up my cross.
I want to live for You
I want to shine for You
I want the depths, the reccesses of my heart to cry out and long for You.
I want to be on fire,
to have true zeal
a zeal not dampened by circumstances or emotions.
There must be more Lord.
Why is this vessel, this instrument so dull, so blunt?
Why am i so ineffective?
unable to do Your will.
Is it because of my pride? or my own will?
Isit because of the way i think?
Am i caught up too much in my own thoughts that I can't do anything
Why can't i cry out?
Help me Lord
I can't even seem to yield
Give me the ability to

Who's in control

Lord I'm not satisfied with a superficial understanding,
a superficial faith
Do i serve to impress others?
Lord help me to stop running away from the problems.
Help me to let You teach me through them
Help me to stop deadening myself to the pain and instead
accept it, learn from it, and walk through it with You

God in my weakness ur grace is made perfect
the question is: who is in charge?

Lord help me.
Help me to stop relying on my own strength
to stop focusing on the pain
to stop sinning
to stop brooding alone

Lord help me to stop hiding my flaws from You
Help me to be frank
to be honest

I know i dont have to be perfect
just need to serve the Perfect God
Christ living through me

More Doubts

Why can't i believe in You?
Why can't I trust?
I know You know what You are doing
And you want the best for me
However, i just can't seem to entrust You with everything
I still doubt.
Lord help me, help me.

Sunrise, sunset
Like the earth revolving the sun
So i am, tring to run after You
But s omany times, the path seems shrouded in darkness
And You don't seem to be there
But i know you are there, You always are
I just have to stop turning my back on You

struggle

Why is it so hard for me to struggle?
Why do I find it so hard to give it up when for others it seems so easy?
Is it me? Why can other people seem so fruitful and full of love, while i find it so hard to be effective?
Why can't my life be surrendered to You?
Why do some people find it so easy to live for You?
Why do I find it so hard to be pure, to be holy?
Why do i find it so hard to desire for your will in my life?
I'm so lost, i'm so confused.
Others see me as good, as mature, holy, God fearing
but I know i'm not
You know i'm not.
I'm just a fool, just an idiot
Lord, fix me up.
It's killing me inside, this constant struggle,
this internal conflict.
Lord i want to go to a deeper level,
I want to mature, to grow.
Help me Lord.
I don't want to continue struggling.
I want people to start noticing the change in me
I want to start taking action.
Lord, i want to start be your reflector.
I know you've done so much, but Lord it doesnt seem to be enough
I want more, i need more
I'm so far from Your voice.
Im so paralysed
I can't seem t want to do Your will.
I don't desire to pray and intercede,
I don't feel like loving Your people.
I don't feel like testifying Your goodness
WHy can others want what You want so easily
How come they feel like following You
Why are their paths so clear cut, so unclouded
Wo clear, no confusion
Why can't i grow, why can't i reach a higher level?
Above this playing field where i stuffle and doubt
Why can't i simply do Your work and long after Your will?

U luved me

You loved me Lord
You loved me so much
You sacrificed so much for me
I struggle to be grateful
I struggle to give you my life
I struggle to even live my life in a way that pleases you
I can't even seem to honour your sacrifice
Your question: " do you love me?"
it tuggs at my heart, making me want to cry
Yet you love me
You love me though i struggle
You love me though i fail
You love me even though sometimes i fail to reciprocrate your love
Lord, your love is so wonderful, so perfect,
and it makes me all the more wretched when i see how you love me,
this fool who can't even keep his promise to you
Help me Lord
For you are not a God who forsakes those that cry out

surrender

Surrender,
all that i am,
my will,
my thoughts,
my struggles,
my pessimism,
my desires,
my flesh.
Am i able to?
I hold on so tightly,
to my own crowns.
The very thorns that pierce my side,
in my stupidity i hold dear.
When you pull at them,
i refuse to let go,
my hands bleed, my heart aches.
I'm left trapped in a state of wretchedness
unable to forsake You,
yet not willing to lay down my crowns
Wanting to grow,
yet not cutting loose the constraints
I cry out in pain and despair
Why is it so hard to surrender, why must it be so pain?
WHy is it so hard to let go?
Lord help me

Doubts

Lord, why do you love me?
Even with all my faults,
my inability to surrender,
my constant procrastination, my doubts,
my pertinent thoughts, many of which are not about You.
My many failings,
my broken promises.
My will which is not according to yours,
my haste and rashness in making promises i can't keep
my mood swings,
My rebelliousness, my anger
My resentment, my begrudgement
my ...my wretchedness

Why?

Why do ppl let go?
Why do they hold unto sin?
WHy do they embrace deception?
Why do they delibrately work on in dillusionment?
Why?
Why do they forsake all that is pure and good, and chase after temporal things?
Why do they make a mockery of things,they know to be true, things that they once held dear?
Why do they harden their hearts & walk on the path of doom when they once claied that they would never turn back that way?

I wish i didn't care, I wish i could be numb
that way it won't hurt so much.
Wish I could just harden my heart and get a gd night sleep.
Must i always be the one who bothers, who broods who worries who dwells?
Must I suffer alone?

Am i so useless, that all i can do is to anguish over your fallen state, while unable to help you; unable to aid you; unable to be of any assistance?
Am i that obsolete? that i can only stand back and watch while you run into a wall?
am i that useless that all i can do is to pray for you?

Can't i show weakness? Can't i be the vulnerable one for once?
Can't i be the one who needs the help, needs the support?
Must i always be strong? mst i always be the one ho suffers in silence, wears a mask and continues to lease out help to the needy?
why cant i be selfish for once and just sit there and wait for others to help me?
Must i always be the one who helps others?
It is a tiresome life being the hero
it is always tiring to give without recieving

I wish i could cry out but i'm paralysed, and left feeling helpless.
I cry inside while wearing a mask
Yet You say in Your word that if I cry out You will answer.
so i take a breath and put all that i am into that one cry
and give it all that i am....

Wretched

We percieve but don;t comprehend,
we observe but can't do anything.
We feel wretched but can only lament.

In the silence, in the solitude,
my mind churns and broods, and all i percieve is my own foolishness.
Why is my geart so feeble and fickle?
but in his gracae mercy and love he has cosen me. and i am is. so what choice do i have?
but to yield and lay down self.


I'm weary and tired.
must i struggle on alone?
Can't i have anyone there to support me? To encourage me?
To spur me on?
or is there no one there to help the weary, the tired,
the lost, the broken and the wretched.

some lamentations

i like to just write out my feelings in free verse, helps alot with my thinking

below are Some of the things that i wrote(the better ones)
recently

???
The questions forever they torment me,
"why are God's desires not mine?"
My logic it tells me that wantinf what he wants is right
cause he makes it worth it
and he keeps me going
But my heart is weary and tired.
I am wary of failing, wary of falling,
wary of messing up, wary of getting disappointed and dillusioned.
Wary to the point where I don't want to try again in case I fail and start wallowing in despair.
This paralysis, this helplessness, my obsoleteness, it irks me, grinds in my head
I cant help but feel at fault.
Yes, willingness and yieldness is a choice,
taht we have to make despite of our feelinfs and our situation, but my inability to come to a decision- it makes me feel WRETCHED.
After all that time. haven't i learnt?
have i not grown enough, matured enough, to lay down my all and surrender to him?
Must I still struggle on, continue to be a dragged on?
Despising being dragged by a yoke, yet nwilling to cut it away.
Time to just close my eyes and let go.
Plunging into the Jordan is never easy.
All or nothing
For I am but a fool, and if i'm not God's, then i would just be a breathing corpse, without life, without purpose

so much has happened so fast, too fast.
don't think i'll try to describe in detail.
the issue btwn a monkey and a bear, issues of the other members of my cell,
my own struggle with my family, with loving God, with being on fire,
with submitting and surrendering to God
seeing my best friend, xie, have family problems, he backslided, for abt 4 mths

got really tired with it all.
felt so much like quitting my walk
felt so much like just wallowing there and letting the burden fall to someone else
felt like giving up and not having to worry anymore
felt like slacking

but i guess God has been really gracious. He pulled me through it all, and at least up to now, i havent let go of his life line yet.
i guess he has been using this period of time to mould me and shape me
even though it hasnt been pleasant.
one of the most clear cut changes is that now i'm no longer so reserved in doing things and saying things.
just too tired with not doing anything.
i guess i also learnt to rely on God more,
to put problems in his hands,
learnt to pour out my feelings and thoughts to him,
to communicate more with him.

i really want to thank some people who have encouraged me in this time, and have allowed God to use them to speak to me.
they are Glen and Caryn- for enduring all my rubbish and giving me counsel, Dom- for listening to me and mentoring me, Ling Quan-for lending a ear and encouraging me, Cheryl Chen- for being my cell leader, Xie- for not backsliding all the way, my other cell members- for the things you said, Teresa- for lending me that book which really spoke to me, you have encouraged me so much, my "granddaughters" for getting on track with God and being so encouraging

there is so much to say
so much to try and tell the world
so much to try and make sense of myself

the events of the past three months alone
so hard to describe, words seem like an understatement
all the emotions, all the confusion, the inner storm, the inner conflicts
the tiredness, the weariness, the wretchedness.
yet in the midst of it,
learning submission, learning grace, learning again the true meaning of brokeness.
looking into a mirror, no longer tinted by my own perceptions
and coming to terms with who i am.
Learning wad it means to serve,
learning wad it means to love,
to struggle on with others

testing

testing one two three...
can you hear me
does this thing even work