people

growing up i guess,
finally getting a hold of everything,
and ya,
realised how much ive slacked/fallen in standard
so many things i would have not given a second thought to doing,
as of late, i have been indulging in
the high discipline i was once drawn to
well its gone

hmm
been chatting with some ppl,
haha its strange really
talked with the one guy who joined ministry around same time as me
had a good time chatting
but ya, realised alot of things
hmm

starting to understand people better
its amazing really
people just never cease to both amaze and disappoint
i guess the truth is that people have depth
and well, there are so many layers to see
and i guess as u get to know more layers,
you get to know them better

at this point i really want to apologize to many people
i have been a bad example and a hypocrite
did some things that are not right
some things which i told others not to do
and ya,
im sorry for not being a better role model
but ya, gonna change that
trying to set a standard now
hehe

ohya, the pope graduated today
for those of you who dont understand, dont think too hard
its an insiders issue
haha
well really proud of the pope
ahhaha, well done pope, hai
miss the old days of SFC & service
those days where the discipline was really high and where Gods presence was really in our midst
dunno where those days have gone
hmm, is tt beyond us now?
i wonder

pharisee

starting to feel like a hypocrite.
wad i advice people to do,
i barely manage to heed myself.
frankly, i dont even try sometimes.
im honestly not sure of myself anymore,
what happened to the convictions?
what happened to the commitment?

is this what is left of me?
a hollow shell?
a whitewash tomb?

hai, searching again for purpose,
i know it has not disappeared,
i have just lost sight of it.
now im trying to find it again

God help me, to come back
to a place where the motivation is simply to please You
where i am lost in Your love again
Please
cause im getting broken inside,
and starting to hate the empty shell that i am

is it abt me?

recently i have been thinking alot about the current situation
to be honest and frank,
i wouldn't say that the problems have gone away
in fact, i think they have become rather well defined.

wad i blogged abt just now(the post below this one)
well i wouldn't put a disclaimer that it isn't partially about me
i mean sure, after the Os i havent had the oppurtunity to get caught in the rain on a rooftop,
and some stuff was overly exaggesgerated, like the stuff abt ending it prematurely(i tot it would give it some drama, haha, watching too much chinese serials)
but ya,
i guess i am struggling abit(alot) with certain stuff.
its like my foundation has began to show its weaknesses
and all the stuff i used to hold onto tightly and belief in strongly
well lets just say that i am not so sure about them anymore

to be frank,
i thought of leaving for awhile
some may call it running away,
i may call it taking a break
but it does not really matter
i already know that i am a coward, so what difference those it make?

i seem to going around this the wrong way so i think i'll get to the point
well, as much as things have really changed,
many events are not pleasant
well lets say some things have happened that well,
i guess convinced me to stay for at least some time to come

firstly, i guess it's God and what he is doing and saying to me
but well, honestly, i haven't really given him much space to work with
hai, i guess it's true that the only thing that can limit God's work in us is well, us

secondly, people
funny really,
i seriously did not expect encouragement to come from such a place
well i shant give a discourse about that.
well i just sincerely want to thank the person who encouraged me recently,
i think you know who you are
i must say it really is a joy to know you
and well, not going into the more minute details
well you have been a great friend
Thanks, i appreciate it

other than the person, i guess other people have led me to decide to stay awhile
its really ironic
sometimes, when you clean up after others,
as much as it is tiring,
it keeps you going
i dont really know how it actually works like that but never mind
that is not important
put it this way,
i dont want to be a discouragement to some people whom are close to me
and ya, i guess i realise that even though i am frankly not that good an influence
i guess i am an influence
so ya,
if i wanna help them, then i guess i must help myself
well, to those people, if you know who you are,
well keep going k
we will get there together someday
i hope
haha
but seriously, keep going,
honestly, i think some of you got a better chance of making it than me
just need to iron out your foundation and some issues,

dunno lah,
i want to help so many people, but truth is i cant
i cant even help myself sometimes
im no superman
i guess thats why i was so drawn to marvel superheroes such as spiderman
they help others at the cost of their own social live and happiness
well what to do, i guess i have to keep trying
at least now my mindset is better
i used to have a mindset similar to that of the british national health system
"give treatment to everyone, then after that there will be less to take care of"
as a result, i guess it started to feel really sucky as more and more just piled on
well, now i suscribe to the chaos theory.
chaos is the only constant
and ya, i guess just leave my POSITIVE mark on who i can
after all, im no superman
and ya, saving the whole world is Gods job not mine
just do what i can, and well, hopefully it will be enough

confused

a man stood on a dank, damp rooftop
his mind lost in a world of its own,
he seemed unperturbed by the storm brewing overhead,
being caught up in the inner turmoil within

looking up,
the panorama of raindrops falling brought his mind back to reality,
cool raindrops on his face, stung his heart like shards of glass
warm tears, intermingled with precipitation flowed down

the external bleakness,
just served to mask and magnify the confusion within
circumstances like the overcast weather, had shaken him
his principles and beliefs crumbled

looking over the edge,
he contemplated ending the pain prematurely,
but at the last minute, cowardice took over,
and broken and humiliated, he withdrew from that thought
kicking himself for not daring

but then a voice rang out in his head,
"does it take more courage to run away forever to an uncertain place
or to face the the uncertain realities?"
and he knew he had to go on,
cos somewhere out there,
were people counting on him,
people rooting for him
people he did not want to hurt with another act of stupidity on his part

the man, broken and wretched,
a hollow shell of his youth
as much as the world had changed around him
he had changed with it
and now he no longer recognized himself
he had lost his innocence, ignorance and bliss
in exchange for doubts, paranoia and reluctance

but he had also grown up,
albeit too late,
ironically, he began to treasure purpose and beliefs
just when he had lost grip of his own

he closed his eyes and indulged in the storm
for a moment, forgetting his train of thought

then he turned around and headed indoors.
back to the problems, back to the pain
back to the search for his lost beliefs and puprose
only this time, with a reluctant vigour
after all, there were people counting on him,
he couldnt let them down could he?

A fool is a person who harps on how lousy and undeserving he is
and then goes on to indulge in the ultimate escapism,
thus hurting those around him
if he was so much a lesser being than others,
why hurt them in order to escape the pain himself?
shouldn't he rather bear the burden for their sake?

sure life sucks,
but there are others, things, and purposes worth living for
and the person who overlooks these things is one of the biggest suckers of all

After Os

promised myself that i would blog after my Os
but honestly, my brain aint thinking straight

i guess as much as it holds a stigma, and the mugging sucks,
the Os was a needed distraction,
got me to sit back and look at myself and problems
and honestly, i guess i'm not so confused anymore,
uncertain, but not overly disorientated or clouded up
now thats its over, well firstly i have to thank God for bringing me through it
really wouldnt have survived without him

now that it's over, i guess i have got to deal with certain issues that have plagued me
honestly im uncertain of where i should go or what my purpose is.
i guess its partly abt which institute to go to
but well, not sure about certain other organizations anymore
i shant digress much on this matter, cos ya dont think it's good to tell others about it
might discourage some

well, it really made me think about faith, about why i trust Him
it also made me consider my reasons for trusting in Him

He holds my future in his hands
being outside of time and looking in, i guess he knows what He is saying and doing
yet sometimes, it seem so much like a foriegn notion
and i begin to doubt

many people doubt how free will can still exists in conjunction to predistination,
but the more i think about it, i guess it kinda makes sense.
if u see God as a being trapped by time, then i guess if he knows what happens then,
it wont really be uncertain and left to choice
but truth is
God isnt bound by it.

eternity isnt the neverending passage of time
is it something outside of it
You exist outside of our dimension, beyond our constraints,
time itself is Your creation,
even the "now" is merely for us where our time touces Your eternity

You give us free will, and it plays out through time
You see the choices we make, before we make them,
but ya, we still make the choices, You dont force them on us
like a story by a writer,
we are Your creation, but just as much as You made us,
we are constant to ourselves, playing out the way we choose to.
truth is even though the story is planned out,
we, the characters still do what we choose to do
our choices if viewed from Your eternity, probably are just as certainty
but in the passage of time, are just as much choices.
well, this i guess is what we get when 3 dimenstionals such as ourselves
try to comprehend the omni-dimensional One

well, part of what i've been trying to analyse,
is my response to conditions, and what it should be
Whether to be the cold dark pessimist or the warm coloured optimist
truth is, as i ponder abt it, i beging to realise that the answer is not in an extreme of either end
extremism of ideals, isnt this what led to so many problems and disputes in history?
in biblical times, the extremes of faith or works led to much confusion and in the end
rendered both useless to the point whereby believers had to be rebuked
God did not call us just to have faith alone or to just do good works, but to both,
and to more importantly, obediance
similarly, as i look at both modals, i realise that both arent perfect
chasing rainbows at the cost of neglecting the darker truths is escapism
embracing the darkness at the cost of love would be misery
what we are called to, rather is i guess like the real world, a fusion of the extremes
to deal with both the love and the pain
after all
both are just as important realities
and exluding one would be foolishness
after all, as paul said, "i have become all things to all men"
in the same way, i guess we deal with each circumstance as is best called for
dealing with the pain with optimism so as not to give up hope
but accepting the fact that the pain is real and might last
while, good times shd be enjoyed without much restraint, while not holding on too tight to it
after all, we are called to be as gentle as doves while as sly as a serpent
therefore, i guess the modal should be based on Jesus
haha
feel like such a bathos(anticlimax)
but seriously
i guess he dealt in a real way with both pain and joy
and in the end still did God's will
extreme moderation with results
ahaha
as dom once told me, dont be a pessimist, be a realist
encouraging to those who need it, discouraging those in the clouds(jking only)
haha
well i guess that is what is called depth,
being multi-faceted but having one common and deep foundation, Him
letting Him live out through our lives in the way that pleases his will.

reality

so much has happened,
thought i was steadfast enough
but a wave of circumstance came crashing in,
and i was thrown about

bitter, like gall in one's mouth
truth hurts, and i guess nobody likes to get hurt
(well, at least emotionally)
people come people go
those i thought i could hold onto now mostly gone
well, what to do
as that song goes cest la vie
what a fool i was to wish i could stay there for ever
well, as a teacher i respected greatly once said
there is a four letter word to get u thru all this: cope

letting go of so many foolish dreams and aspirations,
well i guess thats what growing up is all about
then again as a phrase now generally unknown goes
experience is the mother of illusion

no longer dwelling on the past and the emotions
no longer paralysed by fears
but now i find myself cold, slightly hardened
no more zest or zeal, just a pessimistic real view of the world
no more skip in my stride(if there were any)
now a dragging of feet as i perform my obligations

life neither rosy and beautiful nor cold and unforgiving
rather, a fusion of the extremes
well, i must admit i learnt some lessons
that there's no point dreaming about great things unless i take the first few painful steps towards them
that i cant really hope to achieve much by myself, and that i should learn to pray for grace to do Your will day by day
that i should no longer take faith and trust for granted.
that zeal and passion should be treasured and nutured by the will
that people wont be forever there and i should learn to treasure them

my greatest regret thus far is that in losing the ignorance, for at least what i hope to be, a clearer view of reality,
many reservations arise,
no longer dare to throw myself head on into stuff any more

i really admire those who still can
they, knowing the true state of things can still throw themselves into what they believe to be the right course of action without worrying of stumbling
some may call that fanaticism
i call it faith

hai, well i dont suppose i can have the cake and eat it at the same time
at least even after i find the value of fellowship, of faith, of fervency,
i can still enjoy them a little
i guess i cant really complain.
cos ive gotten so much more than i deserve already

a bastard child treated like a prince
a ragged fool, who u took into ur arms
i thought i deserved so much more
but i know realise i have infinitely more than i could ever hope and dream to deserve
and yet, u promise me infinite blessings.
it really shows what an idiot i have been
hai, well
time to stop focusing on this fool,
and focus on the fool's creator
after all, his foolishness i cant hope to comprehend

cant really concentrate on mugging
so ya, last night and today morning i've been fiddling around with music on my blog
mugging aint fun, but wad to do?
no choice hai (sucks thumb)

well put the ayashi no ceres theme song but then someone said not nice:'(
i guess its the interlude part which spoils it.

anyway, put some other music on
hope its nice =D
hehe
i know it clashes with the dong haeng cartoon
so u can pause the cartoon if u want

just dont ask me where the music from k
hahahahahha

the mugger speaks

really wanted to blog, but ya
busy mugging

as much as i hate it, i think this period has been a real eye opener
i must say God has been faithful(he always is)
but ya, can really see his hand at work

many things have become clear
and i guess i've realised the stupidity i suscribed myself too

this past half a year has been
well turbulent
so many downs, and unfortuantely not as many ups
and ya, for the first time seriously began to have tots abt leaving a certain group
but i shant digress on that now
lets just say that i guess i'll stick around awhile
cos ya, God apparently doesnt want me to go

well, wad to do?
hehe
learn not to rely on others for fellowship but be more pro-active
take the iniative
haha
sound so fake

but seriously lah
i guess cant rely on toking to dom, anthon, xie and cc to pass the time in church
must learn from my da ge, LQ and take care of ppl

gonna end with this
its a song by a Christian band called parousia

ever so often i complain
on how life's been unfair to me
on how i deserve so much more
than what i possess currently

and its a sentiment that makes no sense
when i look at what i have at your expense

its an unequal trade
and i cant fathom why
You're so willing to
accept my sorrow
in an unequal trade
for Your inexplicable joy
how could i ask for more?