recently ive been reading on the gospel of grace and how we are saved by grace through faith... blah blah blah
and yeah
i realise how hard it is reconciling that in my life
as much as i hate legalism

we often differentiate ourselves as christians because of our "relationship with God"
that even demons and satanist know of God, but we are the ones who know him(old english) meaning we have an intimate relationship(positive connotation)
so yeah
we often imply things such as loving God, and holiness

which is a problem,
loving God, would include i suppose, actions, feelings, and (more impt) our posture towards God(as brought up by CS Lewis, a view i totallly support)
however, i often dun act like im in love with Him, im too easily distracted, waste too much time on non-essentials,
i dun feel much love, and yeah my posture basically sucks
alot of christian songs go on and on about how we love God, forever and ever, despite all things and how we will give up our lives for Him,
and those really irk me, they make us hypocrites, acting like we love God when we know nothing about love

holiness is a big problem too
u can sin by intent, or lack of it,
u can sin by simply letting ur mind wander sometimes
u can sin by not doing enough

so yeah today as i tried to worship God, i kinda felt bummed
like who was i, you know, trying to come before God
it felt all kinda fake

i tried to focus on who God is
i mean paul wrote so much about knowing God
having that intimate knowledge that comes from experience and i asked God for that

i was thinking about how God loves me so much
and how i dun reciprocate that in any acceptable way
and it dawned on me
that God is love, He loves us, as some theologians like to say, because it is His nature
and yeah
how can i hope to love Him back
when my nature is fallen,
im an reflection of Him, but as through a fractured mirror

and while i mourned my fallen nature
i guess at the same time i felt the burden of having "to love God" lift
its kinda hard to express
its like i realise that i shouldnt kick myself around so much for not loving Him enough
or not having a lifestyle of worship and all that
not that those are not praiseworthy and deserving our focus
but yeah
they are a goal
but something we work at throughout our lifetimes

what should set us apart as christians rather should be that we firstly accept His love and grace
i mean ideally of course, hypothetically, it should involve loving God back, and living a lifestyle of holiness and all that other stuff they preach about at church
but thats the lifetime goal
not the goal to tick off at the end of the week/month/year

we are saved by grace, through faith
im not playing down holiness
i mean its impt
coming before God with clean hands and a pure heart
but yeah
doest that mean we cast ourselves outside the gate because we fall?
but were fallen anyway right?
even if like our pastors advocate, we keep ourselves from all temptation and become a monk
isnt our nature enough to keep us out?

i recall that nice long passage in acts where paul goes on and on about the great men of God in the bible
big names like abraham and moses
and so on
and how they were credited with righteousness
and all
but they failed too didnt they?
noah got drunk and wasted, and needed his sons to preserve his dignity,
moses was a murderer,
abraham lied and tricked his way though hostile territory
im led to believe that even we heed that call to come out of the world and all that monkhood and hermit lifestyle and being "brought up into God in the high heavens and glory" and all that theological holy smoke
we wont cut it in Gods eyes
we are righteouss through faith

so we accept Gods grace and love
or if we cant, because we're too proud, and obstinate in our legalism, and rather damn ourselves
we ask God to help us
and thats the beauty of grace
not that God doesnt help those who help themselves
but He also helps those who cant

im was planning to maybe post up the rest of the vietnam pics i took, but im too lazy, and blogger proved to be uncooperative the first time round
so that will take some time to get done
since im the kind of procrastination anyways

mmm

wells,
christmas is over-rated
i think growing up takes away alot of the magic?
presents are cool, till u realise the financial pressure something like christmas puts on ur parents?
hahaha
gosh
i think i like being a wet blanket some times

mmm
for those of you who didnt make the trip down to chc to watch tim wan's cameo,
the drama totally rocked
like wow
really really impressive
if u dun believe me, go look for the webcast
nothing like seeing it urself to believe it

i think our beef never was with the rules or myopic focus on revival
i think what i hated was that you let that goodboy revivalist personnae get set up as the societal archetype
which now that i think about it really kinda sucked
i mean wad happened to different body parts making up one body?

so much about holiness and consecration
but u let so many, too many fall through the holes
sure u preached abt reaching the lost, and loving others
but u allowed for the social labels and isolation

while Jesus dined with sinners
we became much like the pharisees in our close-knit group of "holy consecrated" people
Jesus loved the sinners
sure we did at first, when they were still new, fresh, unassimilated
but did we continue to show love when a year or two down the road
they seemed unchristian to us?

labels, suspicious eyes and feeling of being a second class christian
how many people have we lost because of these

im here in nam. reading a book chaos promoted
and suddenly epiphany
i realise how i was mislead and well i wouldnt call it wasting a good 7-8 years of my youth
because im learning how een the most crappy experiences we go through and the most retarded mistakes we make, God still comes and uses it for His glory and our good....

but incomplete doctrine and teaching (i wont go so far as to call it wrong as wrong is a strong word)
has caused me to go round in circles for quite awhile
chasing my own tail and several illusive rainbows and dreams
living in uncalled for guilt and shame
trapped in that sick cycle of self-deprecation
tearing myself down needlessly countless times

i mean no fault of wrong motive of theirs
teaching us about the need for holiness which is swell
and calling us to repent of our sins and turn to God
which is all butterflies and roses

but they leave us there, with this idea that with accountability and Gods strength, overcoming should be no problem
and then we fail
we fall slip slide
and we dont want to tell no one
cause the whole accountability plan was nice in theory
but some of us didnt fit into it


and then we kick ourselves over our lack of ability
our stark decadence
our sin
and we feel condemned


we try to enter into Gods presence
but were not able to seperate ourselves from our sin in our heads
and we trick ourselves into thinking us unworthy
we long to be inhibited in Gods presence
but we've grown to be too selfaware for that

we decide to damn ourselves
since Gods too stoic to do it Himself
and we waste so much precious time
so much time
on meaningless guilt trips

if only they taught us properly about grace
not just that its wad we recieve that we dont deserve
but also that we're bound to fail
that success rate isnt what makes up the victorious christian life
that focusing on guilt isnt the way
thats its ok to not be ok
that we should learn to accept Gods love
that forgiveness comes before repentance
not the other way round
so we would come to God
without running around trying to earn brownie points first

now im in ho chi minh city
thankfully the hotel provides free wifi
and my mom brought her laptop
mmm we touched down at erm 2ish 1ish if u take reference from local time, they are one hour behind spore

so yeah
really cool place, although its taking some getting used to

traffics kinda nut,
lots of scooters and motorbikes swarming around
they're travelling slowly though(not that theres room to speed )

crossing the road is also kinda crazy,
u step right out into the midst of the swarm and it flows around u as u make ur way across

i kinda feel like joshua stepping into the jordan everytime i cross

after checking in and getting comfy in our room
my mom and I visited an art museum
some really cool oil on canvas paintings
now im not sure if we were allowed to take photographs
but oh wells it was worth the 1 dollar we paid

then we walked around a Vietnamese flea market and saw all the polo Ralph Lauren knock offs and finally ate some Vietnamese beef noodles for dinner

supper was at tutti frutty yoghurt
over here, u pay for ur desert by how much it weighs
a lot of DIY

night traffic was heavier than day traffic
it was scarier also because of the lights

so yeah all in all had fun

so yeah, now im reading the ragamuffin gospel by brennan manning, chaos fav author

here's something interesting from todays reading

the story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God.

"They wont let me in God, because im a sinner"

"What are you complaining about?" said God. "They wont let Me in either."

Often hobbling through our church doors on Sunday morning comes grace on crutches- sinners still unable to throw away their false supports and stand upright in the freedom of teh children of God. Yet their mere presence in teh church on Sunday morning is a flickering candle represetning a desire to maintain contact with God. To douse the flame is to plunge them into a world of spiritual darkness.

There is a myth flourishing in the church today that has caused incalculable harm: onc e converted, fully converted. In other words, once I accept JEsus Christ as my Lord and SAvior, an irreversible, sinless future beckons. Discipleship will be an untarnished success story; life will be an unbroken upward spiral toward holiness. Tell that to poor Peter who, after three times professing his love for Jesus on the beach and after recieving the fullness of the Spirit at Pentecost, wasw still jealoujs of Paul's apostolic success.

Often i have been asked, "Brennan, how is it possible that you became an alcoholic after you got saved?" it is possible bcause i got battered and bruised by loneliness and failure; because i got discouraged, uncertain, guilt-ridden, and took my eyes off Jesus. Because the Christ-encounter did not transfigure me into an angel. Because justification by grace through faith means I have been set in right relationship with god. not made the equivalent of a patient etherized on a table.

some people have asked me what im looking for in a church

i tell them, im not only looking for a church

if i answer honestly,

i think it would be something along the lines of a church where the preaching is intellectual and theologically sound enough, while still being entertaining,

where the worship is loud, uninhibited, while still being techinically sound, and full of great riffs, in-tune gifted singing, and talented musicians not full enough of themselves such that they contribute but dont over do it

and a sound system that kicks ass, and makes all the talented people sound better

where the people there are beautiful, but not in love with themselves, they are deep but not too beyond reach,

and the frienships are fast, strong but not clingy,

where the people all love each other on so many levels but dun end up cliquey

and the table talk is fun, full of rubbish half the time, but the other half, serious meaninful objective, brilliant and enriching and touch the issues so close to the depth of our hearts

no seriously

what i really want now is to find a church

where i can live in, grow in, contribute to, and just really encounter God in

where if possible, i can find some like minded friends who will push me on

where i wont mind pourng my sweat and blood into again,

i want to find a place that wont reject me, just because i sin, or because im tied down by certain vices that im unable to give up at the moment

who wont label me bad or wrong just because i believe in slightly different things or thing differently

who preach about the victorious life, but at the same time now how falliable i am and teach me how its all about Gods grace, not about how holy i manage to keep myself, not about how many hours i manage to pray while staying awake

a place that will help me find my destiny,

even if its quite outside the archetype of a revivalist or an evangelist

so anyways, i just came back from FACT CAMP 2008 with ang mo kio Methodist church
its chaos church, for those not in the know

so anyways
thanks chaos
it was real pleasant
although at first i was apprehensive
and it was weird, going to a church camp of another church,
it turned out pretty well

Josiah was a kick ass group
sure, we weren't exactly made up of similar people,
and they werent very enthu or siao on at the start
but we came together to play games and talk crap
and it became a melting pot, where we discussed really lame things such as cheesy pick up lines
and hannah montanna
hahaha
but seriously, we opened up to each other abit, and thats when we bonded, so it was way cool

and yeah, i got to know some really awesome people
sure most of them were younger than me by a couple of years, some even more
but i was thoroughly impressed by some of them
and i guess it kinda makes me regret that i didnt do more for God when i was younger
still they said i look young, so that should count for something

i kinda wish the camp was longer so i could get to know people better, but i guess any longer and chao yuan might end up with eye bags he can carry stuff in
we may keep in touch, maybe not
well it was great,
you all were awesome
till we meet again, if we meet again

anyways God didnt speak in that "clear audible" voice
and im still not sure where im headed,
but yeah
i learnt quite a bit
and thats wads impt
so yeah
maybe the deadline i gave myself for settling down in a church is running down
but i thank God anyways, for showing that He's still there
and that im still in his Hands

well im running out of things to say,
which really is a reflection of the degratory state army life left my creative writing ability
so im off i guess
cheeros

because i now have a phone with a camera and bluetooth capabilities
i shall start off this post with a photo of the best drink ever
toffee nut latte
and yes
i had one today
=D

annals of a civillian

me being the chivalric gentleman that i am
i allowed an entire 80 minutes to pass
but in the end i still won
ordering at 1321
and being served 1323
i totally won
hahahahaha

i mean sure the guy serving me doesnt deserve to be called a barista
smiling while serving people is obviously not part of his skill set
and he over frothed the milk which resulted in a rather foamy latte
mmm

oh wells
these minor setbacks still do not spoil the sweet taste of victory

score one for my new found career as a civillian
oh wells
on with the rest of my life

and angels fall from the sky

you've lost your wings and your grace, all you're left is a pretty face

those who know what im talking abt probably wont read my blog
which is good

why did you give so much
how could you lose so much just to fit

i dont regret it,
but i dont think id want to go thru it again
hopefully im not compelled to

you let them take your innocence
you let them take your glow


it wasnt exactly discomforting
and i can totally see why others are into it
you can lose yourself in the midst of it, the sensuality, the surreality
become a new person, whatever you desire to mould yourself into
well within limitations
but its just not my thing

let them rape the things that set you apart

to me it kind of felt like an epileptic fit gone rabid
part of me wished i could foam at the mouth at will

and yet your eyes still twinkle

mmm
the company was not bad though
seeing familiar faces in an unfamiliar environment
its interesting to observe how friends change, and grow
or in some cases fall so far from what we assumed

or have your eyes always twinkled
even when your smile goes hollow

something went really cold inside
when i glimpsed into your new world

while u become the painted mask others forced on you
and your eyes go on twinkling forever
like the last light from a dying star

wad happened to you
you still smile nowadays
but seeing it just makes me mourn for you

y am i so coldly and rationally walking away from all i "believe" and "treasure"?
y arent i hurting inside?
y dun i feel a thing

apathy is a disease

but my secret lies hidden within me,
no one shall discover my name!

those are the translation of one of the most famous lines from the aria nessun dorma
arguably pucinni's best aria

had an interesting talk with lian ytd over coffee late at night
i brought up the point how morality is not mathematically sound on the surface
that when u add up the factors arithmatically it doesnt match
he came to the point that often our morality is dependant on remoteness
how whether "necessary evil"
is good or bad dependant on how remote we are from the act
we talked then about lots of the controvesies regarding the christian faith
alot of the harder to swallow paradoxes

but yeah
im how am i?
i think ive kinda become detached from everythings thats going on
i just feel so far away from it all

so detached from faith
so detached from sin
it helps when im with other ppl
but even then
i just feel so far away

sometimes i just feel like breaking out of my skin
breaking free from all that constraints
i mean
yeah
maybe its bcos im fat or wad
but its not merely physical
i just wish i could transcend all the limitations
all the lethargy,
lack of talent
circumstances
and do something actually worth doing

they were all wrong
it wasnt our secular nature nor rcc which held us down
the bible was right in one way
our living is the thing which ties us up
we need to die first before we gain the freedom to live

i feel like breaking something

get me out of this
im suffocating

time is fiction by edison glass

And I'll say to you
I want so much more right now
So you taught me to listen
And I can feel the change
Hear the whisper of the summer leaves
To the rhythm of your heartbeat

I stay up late, look at the pages
Where rhythms are made by the scratch of a pen
Watching you leave, I look at your movements
A beauty that sings from the song in your heart

I can hear it
You told me I can be a plug
All I have to do is believe
And I all I need to do is breathe
So I can feel you

I stay up late, look at the pages
Where rhythms are made by the scratch of a pen
Watching you leave, I look at your movements
A beauty that sings from the song in your heart

Time is fiction.

would You define me

need i mention that tommy E was amazing?
hahaha
gosh
i no longer dare to tell people that i play guitar

so the concert was a blast
mmm
and the conversations with chaos today were amazing as well

various quotes:

chaos- i like girls who like guys with big heads and ear piercings

chaos- u should get a big head(like how?) and ear piercings too.....

as much as it seems like a match made in heaven,
some how, when talking abt getting an orange afro(dun ask me how he manages to bring such things in the conversation)
chao yuan caught the attention of this ang moh girl
who apparently sweeps him off his feet leaving him speechless
needing tim wan to help answer this girls request as to where a costume shop can be found
(wow, she apparently wants to match his dress sense)
our hero(well not really) apparently has taken to the bleached hair, lip pierced specimens

mmm

so i guess when u come to get me u'll be sporting a new blond-bleached hairdo and a lip piercing
and an indeterminable western accent

mmm
maybe u shd change ur name to amanda too or something

i think im losing my breath

actually regarding the movie mentioned 3 posts ago
its showing at cathay picturehouse
its called tokyo!
its 3 short films
but i didnt really like the middle one
the 3rd one though as i mentioned was fantastic

but you wash over me
you wash over me like rain
and you wash over me
you wash over me like sunshine

i dont know wad to feel anymore?

a pic from one of my fav short movies ive ever seen
shaking tokyo
nothing i can say would do much justice to it?
and i dun think u would be able to catch it unless of cos some bum uploads it online
mmm
so well
you deprived ppl remain deprived

but i think somehow my world has started to tremble too
and there is much fear and a freezing of time
i wonder if that one button that makes a difference exists
for me

i wanted to add this song to my blog, but this is the best i could do, cos i can only find videos of this song

YouTube - Lifehouse - From Where You Are

do you ever get that feeling
where you're so tired of routine, you just want to run away
from everything familiar
do you ever feel lost, like you dont know where ur headed, but you know its not on the up and up

do you ever feel the despair, knowing what lies ahead isnt all sunny and roses


somedays i feel like tearing out of my flesh
no this isnt some alien spawn living under my sternum talking

but sometimes, even when im having the time of my life
i just feel the futility of it all
arent we supposed to be soaring?

the horizons are supposed to be infinite
but we dont seem able to get 3 feet off the ground

theres something missing
something lacking
it isnt even about fulfillment of dreams
cos even if we get there
big whoop
what then

what does all this
matter?
why should it

ambition
it makes a strive for higher heights
but for what
we put ourselves through the mental, and psychological somersaults
to get to what landing?
a better cafeteria?

they werent wrong you know
the hard headed fundamentalist

we're given freedom but we arent made for it
it was wrong to cage us, yes
but they did show us the importance of dreams
even if their version was outdated and irrelevant

now we're left with an open cage and open skies
but we've lost that road in the sky

help me
fly away from this land of winter
to the place of perpetual sun
cause i cant take this cold no more

when im with you,
my heart doesnt exactly skip a beat
but the world seems nicer
and i cant help turning back to see you smile

I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind
In your mind
Changing myself, just to stand alone in your eyes
In your eyes
Pull me in, take me out, make me over

lifehouse rocks
lols
well aside from stating the obvious
if you think their records are good,
you should see them perform live

and i shall dispel the myth
they are not a christian band?
and yeah
although their lead singer/songwriter is
as per their interview
they are in it for the music

so anyways, for those interested
how am i
mmmmmmm
i dont really like answering that question at this point
cause, well good besides being a generalisation, isnt fitting at all
and i'd probably give a sardonic answer like "breathing" (sorry emm)
but i guess i really should reflect abit?

well im not exactly rejoicing in my present circumstances
well euphemisms aside
mm
im kinda enjoying going around visiting?
maybe too much
been to some churches i find quite comfortable
haha
but no ideas yet
gosh
how am i on a personal spiritual basis?
gosh
i have no idea how to answer that
i guess that doesnt mean anything good?
i guess im not exempt from disappointment and doubt

but i guess like whats new right
like i said
this isnt just a search for a new church
i think ive lost/never had much a sense of purpose/destiny
so its kinda a roadtrip to find that

if i dao ur msgs
well tts bcos im antisocial and dun mind being mean
if you didnt know that already
well
maybe i shd include that into my introduction next time

hi im jeremy quek
im mean and slightly antisocial

so anyways
to be honest
i dont miss rcc
although i guess i act like i do sometimes?

i havent really been contemplating the present predicament
been filling my time with things to do
i guess avoiding the questions with answers i dun have
or dun want to admit

being busy is fun?
i guess
makes it seem strange that there was a time i did little but hurt alot
from basically just musing

but i do miss having a ministry
gosh
maybe i made it an idol
but i do miss the days
when we sat round with a guitar
and play the few songs we did master
sing our hearts out
too caught up in just the act to taint the intent
it wasnt grand
but it changed me inside
slowly

where do i go from here?

im being a big idiot
and i dun know how to proceed

i hope i dun lose myself
i hope i dun lose you

wishful thinking of a depraved mind

so your utopia breaks apart, and your world crashes in around you
chips hit the floor as all you ever trusted dulls and changes to plastic
oh what a happy deluded lot we were
thinking that it would last forever

so what are we now?
what will we show ourselves to be?
im the troll from under the bridge
im the thing that goes bump in the night
im the disfigured face behind the painted mask

want to know the truth?
im loving this,
every moment of it
because the presumptions are gone
where chains of burecracy and social expectations fall loose
and anarchy reigns
finally we can discover whom we really are

but You reached out into my darkness

today was kinda brought close to tears
by the passage in matthew 5
the beattitudes
which talk about how God blesses the poor in spirit.... etc

the speaker mentioned how our poverty is like those of beggars
who in our shame dare not show ourselves in the light
but hide in darkness just reaching out our hands for alms

and how God comes, and reaches down to us
and brings us up and out of the darkness

all good, nice and important lessons
but how much of it do we end up remembering and applying
before routine and life comes and dilutes it or takes it away

its so easy to go from one moment being humble
to delighting in ones own "humility" or breakthrough in thought

but i guess thats the uphill struggle we all fight

and that moment
that glimpse of Your face
of touching part of You in worship

must count for something
shdnt it?

im not really looking for a church primarily
and i dun really have a plan?
im just looking for God where He may be found
to go to that place where trivial pursuits fade, yet make sense
and see where He leads from there

for those of you whom i havent told yet
im going
erm
im not dying of cancer, nor am i going overseas
but yeah
ive decided that one season of my life is behind me
its strange really
i used to despise church hoppers
but now im one?
mmm
theres this principle, that its not only what you're running from
but what you're escaping towards
but i dun have such lofty goals

ive lost something
and im just trying to find it
to find that bit of myself
im not trying to justify myself
and i wont

im at peace with myself and God
and i guess thats plenty for me

strange
i started by asking God to bring me beyond the superficiality into something deeper
something that counted
something alongst the lines of fulfilling destiny
im not sure how ive come to this place
maybe its my own willfulness
well
out into the wilderness
even after years
Nebuchadnezzar managed to humble himself

mmmm
so far those whom feel led to invite me please do
i kinda hate planning my own itinerant
so it'll help

and for those who think im sadly deluded and running away
then go practice your christian virtue and pray for my soul
or something useful along that line instead of giving me ur disapproving comments

because of chao yuans blog,
after spotting "blue like jazz" in a christian bookshop
ive taken the plunge
and well although ive not stumbled upon that amazing alluring passage abt love,
both the failing of our own fleshly love, and the all consuming, all giving, all taking love of God and how as christians we should emulate that love

but i think ive already been quite taken by the author
with his vulnerability
he's honest, and tries at depth while trying to make sense
and he's a CS Lewis fan

well,
he may not have insight like Lewis
but he tries
and thats important

and i found his recounting of how he messed up a date to watch romeo and juliet
by mentioning sacarstically they're dead to some girls who happened to comment how they wanted to experience love like R&J
maybe im a fatalist
but i think its very true his point
how we pursue love, expecting our worlds to change when we find love
but we will be disappointed by it
bitterly

well
of course death is a change too

mmm
he said something in mention
the point he was making was kind of how in sudnay school
they tend to teach "children stories" of noah and the animals and the garden of eden
without realising how much stout, and immense and "adult" christian truth is hidden there
i depraved and twisted mind picked up on this immediately
noah's story is an amazing tale on Gods faithfulness to the faithful

but they forget dont they
that its also a tale of Gods judgement on mankind
leading to genocide save a handful

they forget too
the faithfulness noah possessed
those whom we see express the like now
we label zealots and cult leaders

to build that boat, at a time when before that there had never been a storm of that kind
in the face of the probable scoffing and mocking cries

probably a suitable alliteration we see in some wierdoes who build nuclear fallout shelters for themselves in fear of the pending nuclear apocalypse

and we are an evil people
evil in inclination from birth

perhaps the relief we have is that God did promise noah no more floods of that type
that he would never again kill like that

strange they dont teach this side of the story in church
i mean sure, you can justify that God has the right to wipe out the evil
but people nowadays arent really accepting of any reason or ideal which justify large scale taking of life
too many misled reasoning and ideals have led to the holocaust and the mass murdering of babies

mmm

so rarely do they talk about the judgement of God
how his judgement is swift and terrible
how our God really is a terrible terrible being, and i mean this in all respect

now under a convenant of grace,
they so rarely talk abt judgement
about how because of all that God has done for us,
if we spit on His grace
even those from Sodom and Gomorrah are in better standing than us

yes yes
we dont preach on such stuff to prevent ourselves from sounding old fashioned, fundamentalistic and dogmatic
but it is true

was it right for God to kill all these people without giving them the choices and chances we get nowadays?

well that question is flawed
because we have no idea what kind of choices or chances and under what circumstances they lived in
the had the stories of adam and enoch didnt they?

but even if we are to answer that lousy question the answer is still yes
God has the right

it is not for us to call God unfair
because He is fair, not in our notions but beyond them
evil does deserve judgement
that He chose to show us such grace
yet we still spit on it

we cant shy away from his judgement and embrace his grace
then again we were doomed from the start
only through Him can we ever make sense of Him

no
im not interested really in revamping any childrens ministry
cos i dun have a better idea
although i think teaching kids they we are damned beyond correction
but grace equivocally exists is an attractive idea
although i think it'll give them nightmares
i think kids should learn from the start
that we live in an unfair world
and we are damned creatures all of us
more the sinners and mockers than noah
yet God went beyond Himself
and let us be like those animals which boarded the ark

a remnant that remains for Him
not by our merit
but because He chooses us
and yes, by all means remind them of His faithfulness His promises, His love and His provision
but not without the full picture
the terrible and loving God
not the benevolent and ever-pleasing grandfather


but i think im fumbling with faith again
what it is to me really
personally
not what some congregation has sold me for the past few years

im not, and have never been the kind who will kneel down on the altar and cry for a lost generation again and again
although i do feel such pangs once in awhile
they are far and in between

im not able to accept any doctrine or teaching wholesale without some misgivings
and i treat interpretations of the word exactly as they are interpretations

im probably not what they would call a healthy memeber of the congregation
and im no noah
i think identify more with those who mocked him

maybe the reason im still around is because i fear the raging waters

im not going to sit around and assume these misgivings will disappear with time
after i get used to things
or community some how assimilates my rough corners

i dun subscribe to a policy of submit just because
it works for mindless nuts like you
but not for everyone
show me something worthy of submitting to and i will
im not gonna be held hostage just because there are others
vulnerable ones
young ones

im gonna find my faith
not giving a damn about the rules of our religon anymore
to go find God where He may be found
no matter what people say
after its my faith im trying to find
not my face in front of You

i caught an opera on friday
enjoyed quite abit suprisingly
though i didnt like the ending, though no fault of puccinis other than the fact that he had to die before writing the ending
i identified alot with the notions of unrequited love, of going all out for someones smile
and sadly, i identified with how we can be so cold and so terrible

its been a rollercoaster of late
but whats new right?
except
this sunday has been a first for me
a first whereby the idea of changing church has gone from a notion of toying
to something im seriously considering
for all my noble reasons for staying
ive become something incapable of nobility
and ive lost all the human parts of me that can be tied down

anyways
on to greener pastures
i am thouroughly blown away by tan chao yuans blog

one of the funniest and most memorable jokers i have ever known

he never fails to lower my guard and then blow me away with that secret guarded depth he hides behind the facade of lame corniness and shameless bantering and joking

i think thru him im beginning to really grasp a line i read in a book "a million little pieces"
we laugh because it sure beats crying about the sad state of our lives

another imperfect quote, since my memory lacks graphic accuracy

and a misquote
because life with tan chao yuan is rarely sad,
and the the tears still do flow, cause he makes us laugh too hard

but he'd better not read this lest his head inflate

im so bummed
and i think part of me inside is dying
maybe this is the way things have to go
to let the wilfulness die off

its sobering really
to know these sides of ones self
and still dare us dream of grandeur

sometimes i wonder
am i doing all of this just to get some attention
like some ADD kid
just to get some pity points

or have i gone beyond that
and just forgotten how to be fine

we all need help sometimes
sometimes we need a shoulder to lean on

sometimes i wonder if that could be my all
to live for others
to be stoic and strong and act alive for the sake of others
but i dont think im made of such stiff stuff

and to be honest i doubt that i care

maybe i just need some rest
to find some respite wherever that is
but ive found myself in You
in the moments when everything else didnt matter
except screaming Your name with the lungs i had left

maybe i dont love You
maybe its all a facade
like how my life doesnt point in that direction

maybe
maybe
but if this facade is all i have
then so be it
cause i choose this facade over the reality that is presented to me
so please bear with me awhile
till my love for You changes from this act of a pharisee
to something real inside

i dont know why
but i still want to be the shoulders you can lean on

I'm here waiting for something new to break my heart
So callous laden, I can't feel a thing at all
Will You catch my fall?

From lost and not found, to run and not hide
My hand inside... Your hand

Fear is keeping time with the beating of my heart
I'm doin' way too much thinkin'
And it's tearing me apart
Then I, I feel You reach for me

From lost and not found, to run and not hide
My hand inside... Your hand
Losing my grip falling so far
My hand inside Your hand

I hear Your voice and follow
So hard to believe, and still I go
Yeah still I go

ive always claimed to have known its all a farce
that community was a formality
and group vision belonged to only a few selected elite
something a rogue like me could never hope to grasp

then why am i hurting so much inside?
even when the dust seems to have settled
and people seemed to have moved on

ive lost myself

and honestly im not trying too hard to get found again
it seems so many people are just throwing themselves into the fray

im in no hurry to plunge in myself

i make no claims to justice
no presumptions of greatness

we clash we fight we bleed we die

and the crowd are just more amused for all our vanity

how could we
we who have no faces ever hope to change the world

run run run
till u cant anymore
till ur legs give way
till u hit the wall

fall down
through the ground
let urself be taken under

u scream u cry
u make some noise
if only they would hear u
if only they would heed ur calls

but no ones listening
no one hears
autism has plagued our world

so dive
deep inside
till u fine urself
or a place to hide

cos when night falls
and red moon glows bright
dark creatures howl
and spectres aflight

fire rages
illuminates us
reveals what we're worth

will i survive Thine infernal blaze
or become chaff to the wind?


when did you become so beautiful, when did you learn how to fly
now im left behind
down on terra
staring up into the heavens
mouth agape

the lights
the stage
the riff
the wild cheers
the screaming crowd
the driving music
that flawless crazy solo
that haunting drawl

everyone getting their feet off the floor
throwing their hands up
singin, shouting, screaming their hearts, lungs and guts out
going crazy for Jesus
multitudes across the denominations,
a gamut in a chorus of unity
belting out that anthem for One

that unrelinquished joy
of lost and abandonment
praise, just praise
worship, what else could matter
the thousand other thoughts just driven so far
mere words turn hazy
only lifted hands and intoxicated utterances

Oh that irresistable, uncontainble invitation to worship
to dive deep in over our heads

how have we wondered so far from it

its a sad beautiful spectacle
the killing of a dream

but reality calls?
yeah rite......

you all talk about doing the right thing,
abt being right before God

strange really
seeing how both sides seem to be fighting in the name of God
and doing what is right

deja vu
reminds me of the christian crusades and islamic jihads of medival times
the funny thing is
the arabic breathren proved more humane

so what gives you the right to promote your brand of truth
arent we all just bumbling fools
groping around in the dark?

iron men, like their feminine counterparts
can only bleed from the inside

im so so tired
and i have no idea what to do

cant i just sleep this one out?

we're like wildflowers
tossed aside after we wilt
becoming no more than compost

but such is our eternal glory
that ephermal blooming
once and no more

and death

from which any real life starts

Broken - Lifehouse

im stealing this off dudleys blog, because... hahah no one is allowed to post a lifehouse song without me posting it too =p
but really this song goes out to all those rejects, those without hope, without purpose
who hold on to a promise for dear life
because we have no other to hold onto

the broken clock is a comfort
it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can stop tomorrow
from stealing all my time
and i am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best
like you've already figured out

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating
in the pain
there is healing
in Your name
i find meaning
so I'm holding on
holding on, holding on
i'm barely holding on to you.

the broken locks is a warning
you got inside my head
i tried my best to be guarded
i'm an open book instead
i still see your reflection
inside of my eyes
they are looking for purpose
they're still looking for life

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating
in the pain
there is healing
in Your name
I find meaning
so I'm holding on
im still Holding on, im still holding
i'm barely holding on to you.


im hanging on
another day
just to see what
you would throw my way
and im hanging on
to the words you say
you said that i will
will be okay

the broken light on the freeway
left me here alone
i may have lost my way now
but havent forgotten my way home

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating
in the pain
there is healing
in Your name
i find meaning
so I'm holding on
i'm still holding, i'm still holding
i'm barely holding on to you.

?summer's gone and shot himself
and we're stranded in the wake

so now the leaves are off the trees
and the fields lose their golden promise

one by the one the sparrows fly
off to evergreens

but im tied down in rural county
by bonds not unkindly

no more good men left in these parts
they're off seeking a star

the forlorn left to tend dying embers
poor gypsies misfits sad clowns

winters coming so they say
bramble, thistles frost and snow

will the lake freeze over
will our hearts grow cold

bleak at its bleakest,
can hope survive

but we were made for higher winds and awesome storms
we were made for open skies
bring winter, that unrelenting jezebel
raise the winds of assyrian ire

cos today we soar, we fly
today we come alive

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

so heres the promised blogpost
anyways the scoop
leslie poh is probably attached
my proof- no normal guy talks on the phone to another guy for an hour on a saturday night
and yeah, he's been saying its time or something along those lines?
whahahahhhaha

so there
and no matter how vehemently he tries to defend himself,
its probably some vain attempt to cover his tracks and misdirect us
no matter what kind of figures and proofs he tries to throw my way,
theres no mathematical way he can prove his innocence
so i can choose to be unconvinced
and there we have the dilemma of truth for a postmordernist

mmmmm
read in hosea how mercy and truth were not found in israel
and from that we can infer that mercy and truth are important
(some annotations state that mercy in this case refers to devotion to God)
and it is true
that truth is important

but we live in an age which teaches us that truth isnt absolute
that it is relative and we make our own truths?

and as much as it is true
that for many of us, the bible is true and God is real because we choose to believe it
it isnt a complete view
as even if we dont believe it still would be true
but we have no way of proving it?
but thats the problem of postmordenism?
u cant prove anything because perception has the plausability of being skewed?

i wont go into a defence about truth
but i will say this
i think it is true on one hand that anything people tell us or we find out ourselves has a high probability of being coloured?
and that its quite impossible for us to grasp truth on our own

but i believe God, if He is truth and being God he must be, can reveal truth to us
(this is kinda a defence against agnosticism as well?)
but yeah
of course then we raise the issue that because of the free will He gave us
we can choose to accept or reject the truth He presents to us
but thats a seperate issue?
and so in all things and towards all sources of "wisdom" and "knowledge coupled with good intent"
we have to practice the art of being critical
asking God to come guide us into truth

thats my beef at this time
because with all the shit thats going on around me
and so many well meaning and good intentioned people(i find these sort of ppl the most irritating by the way)
id say this much at risk of insulting the whole lot?
but i dont believe a single one of them at face value
i mean im sure that some of them may be right
and maybe in some way, they all may be right, but theres some miscommunication on both sides
but it doesnt matter
i have the truth God gives me
and thats enough
i have to trust that He is soveriegn enough over my common sense and judgement
and so i'll believe this
that i just walk right now where He asks me to walk
and stay or leave at a whims notice according to how i feel Him directing
and i owe no one explanation or justification
because its my spiritual life on the line here
church life, community life, blahhhh
its important
but if i forfeit my own walk with good
i become as good as a pharisee
which i must admit is quite attractive

Oh God, may truth be inscribed on my heart
may it permeate my being and bring the freedom You promised
to live in truth, to be found in You

Our iniquities are many,
we are wanton like those without restraint
save me from my sin, into Your presence
let mercy flow like a river

to speak Your truth
to be Your light

havent visited this place in awhile
hahaha,
not that there's much external motivation to blog
mmm not that there isnt much to blog about
cos there's been alot going on recently? u know like when shit hits the fan, we all get a fair share?
but yeah
havent felt up to it

mmmm
id love to say its because of writers block?
but that would be terribly egoistical because it would assume that i normally am linguistical and creative?
but im not
actually the norm is me usually having nothing to say, occasionally intermitten by splotches of half boiled half sane, cranky, verbal diahorrea

mmm
i usually like to blog after taking long, senseless walks on saturday nights
by long and senseless i mean hour long affairs, whereby any other sane, pragmatic person would hop on a passing bus and cover the ground between the 7-8 bus stops in between while i choose to take in the sights, or at least the lack of it, on foot.....

mmm
today or well since its one in the morning,
yesterday, i took a nice stroll from novena united square to one stop before casurina
mmmm
im not a health freak or fitness enthusiast?
if anything it was probably to absolve the incurred guilt of 4 donuts?

i think there should be some human rights decree whereby people arent forced to consume more donuts than they want to?
3 were willing iniquities... the fourth one was the penalty for loosing some lame chinese number game

so anyways
mmm
actually for same reason im reminded of that all-american legend/hero forest gump
my second most favourite american
hahahah
my first favourite american is george w. bush
for so candidly and naturally, revealing unabashedly the hoax and joke that is the office of the american presidency?
so anyways,
our loveable, semi-retard of an american folk hero after his mother dies
takes a lovely long run across america several times
(u'd realise that no one notices the plot hole that he doesnt need to eat)

mmm
ive actually been meaning, and considering to blog abt the topic of dreams

but every time, i think about it
i find myself not in a position to talk about it?
not that i dont have dreams, or disbelieve in them
cos i do have them
and not the flippant sort about ramly burgers or doing stage dives

the dreams worth having are the epic ones
sadly they're the ones abit beyond us as well

i usually dont
tell people about my dreams
not that im scared they'd laugh at me or look down on my dreams
but because i guess i realise how far i am from them and how they're out of my league

dreams empower people to take steps to greatness
but it hurts
when i look back and realise its been 6 years and im no closer to my dreams?

maybe my dreaming affects my ability to settle down and embrace my status quo
but mmm
i cant be one of those, who'd rather embrace present circumstances instead of what could be or should be?

so after a week plus of consideration
i still have no idea what to do with my dreams
bleagh

"Silence" by jars of clay(maybe my next blog song, not that it counts or anyone listens to it)


[verse]

Take

Take till there's nothing

Nothing to turn to

Nothing when you get through

Won't you break

Scattered pieces of all I've been

Bowing to all I've been

Running to

Where are you?

Where are you?



[verse]

Did you leave me unbreakable?

You leave me frozen?

I've never felt so cold

I thought you were silent

And I thought you left me

For the wreckage and the waste

On an empty beach of faith

Was it true?



[chorus]

Cuz I...I got a question

I got a question

Where are you?



[verse]

Scream

Deeper I wanna scream

I want you to hear me

I want you to find me

Cuz I...I want to believe

But all I pray is wrong

And all I claim is gone



[chorus]

And I...I got a question

I got a question

Where are you?

Yeah....yeah

And where...I...I got a question

I got a question

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

so, ive got nothing left
and if you so choose to practice the good art of approximation
i guess i am nothing
emptiness is strange
maybe this is my caricature of hell

all the nutters from the zoo
will bleed you dry and spit on you

till we have faces of our own
ones that hold together, by Your grace

oh to sing Your praise
to behold the wonder of Your face

there only seems to be silence left

im in a dilemma,

inconsistancis always manifest themselves
and ive got plenty

what do you do when how u live, what u believe and the circumstances around you are all at odds?

anyways feel like posting the lyrics of this song by thousand foot krutch...
haha they're a heavy rock band but yeah

"Go"
I know the way you feel
The way you view incompetence
So we have to remedy
Our extreme lack of confidence

I love the way you move
You cover me like oxygen
Touched by your innocence
We come to you with hearts open

I love the way you are
The way you move, the way you speak,
And I like the way you heal
The hole inside, that's incomplete

I know the way you feel
The way you view incompetence
I have to remedy
And make this up again

And when I feel this way, it's hard not to let...

[Chorus]Go, when I feel, like I feel, the way I feel
Go, I"m into you, just help me find a way this time
Go, when I feel, like I feel, the way i feel
Go, let it grow, wind me up and let me go

I love the way you twist, the way you're so mysterious
We'll have to stay in line, to let you know we're serious
I know the way you've seen, the way your hands have covered me
Touched by your gratitude, I'll break the skin and come undone

Stand up, the itme is now
Look at the faces in the crowd,
Do you want to just be one?
Or will you choose to overcome?

Stretch, take off your hurt
Leave your anger in the dirt
No more feelings, let it work
Let the growing take over

sometimes we get so tired of everything
so bothered by whats around us
that we throw ourselves at whatever walls we can find
seeking any sensation but that despair and hurting that comes from inside

i dont hate all of you
i hate myself for letting me be affected by you

houdini was right
the hard part isnt disappearing
its in the reappearing afterwards which is the problem

watch me as i go
go become nothing

so my house of cards collapses once again
it never ends does it
break me down crush me to nothingness
tear me away
till all thats left is whats thats real

over and over,
it never seems enough does it
when will sick cycle stop

im tired
of trying but never getting there
when
how
why

You speak a few words into the midst of the storm
nothing changes
but it everything becomes alright
does it?

if you must know
no im not ok
does it matter?
not really
do i care?
i guess i do
do i want to talk about it?
i cant even find words for myself

i hate it when well meaning people try and put up an intellectual or scientific defense of their Christian faith



no, im not becoming a staunch atheist or agnostic

my beef is this,

God needs no defense

salvation should never be guarded from a position of defense....

its cringe worthy when people attempt to convince others with half baked hearsay

and facts they pull from the internet when they dont really have empirical evidence



God didnt ask us to prove him, to do a lab test on Him to show He's there

why bother to try and impress intellectuals with numbers and facts and anthropology



believe God and His word because you choose to,

His wisdom is foolishness to the worldly wise anyway

i think id rather be fool

isnt a fools hope all that we have

i'm doing this because? probably to kill the sianness

Rules of the Taggy Quiz:

A] People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B] Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

Here are my answers:



#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?

feel betrayed? sorry retarded answer.... wellll i dont have a lover, so its kinda hard to hypothesise...mmm seems contradictory these themes of love and betrayal, almost like a soap drama..... i mean id love to be benevolent and say id forgive the person, but im probably too selfish for that..... well if it ever happens we'll see





#2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?

day dream or REM dream?

well if its REM dream probably not the ones where i was chased around by some maniacal clown

day dreams....mmmmm too many to chose from......to become something great, sorry sounds corny.... sorry but yeah, i guess thats the parallel emphasis running through my wishful thinking





#3. If you could be at one place right now, where would it be?

on some island paradise with a cocktail with the tiny umbrella in my hand, and a unlit havanna in my mouth(i dont smoke but id like to touch an actual havanna



#4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?

duh



#5. What's your ideal lover like?

someone sweet but not diabetes inducing,

intelligent, but not too much more than me, mmm with a slightly twisted sense of humour, able to put up with my nonsense, can understand thoughts i wrestle with,



but more importantly, to be someone deserving of admiration? i guess with some amazing traits and a peculiar sense of self and identity(being a person rather than a social byproduct)



and hopefully decent looking enough (oh well, cant i be allowed to be abit shallow?)



#6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

well we're all amazingly blessed already because we are loved by some One....

but i think that being said and used as the norm, i guess it is a blessing to be capbable of loving someone



#7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?

hopefully long enough?



#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

let it remain a secret?



#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?

many things.... well there's always army

and i guess much discontent with the state of my own life, and the state of things around me





#10. What do you want most in life?

to eat some good beef pie? no seriously

to become something i would be proud of?(sorry if it sounds wierd)





#11. Is being tagged fun?

gee whiz





#12. How do you see yourself in ten years time?

single and poor





#13. Who is the current most important person to you?

my doppelganger





#14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

good question.... mmm

someone with a mind, with opinions i guess id respect, quirky enough to be interesting,
i dun really know what to say

bleagh

#15. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
id rather not, but id probably end up being single and poor


#16. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be?
i already have my younger brother?
but i guess i wouldnt mind a little polar bear

#17. What are one of those things which you would prefer not to do?
the quiz maker obviously doesnt have very good grammer....
mmmmmm
not have to serve out the rest of my ns?

#18. What kind of person do you think you are?
not a very kind one?
mmmmm

#19. What do you define as a bad day?
every other day? lol
sorry its just me being moody
i guess tiring days, where i get to see alot of the uglier side to people, where nothing gets achieved and i just end up a day older, which seems to happen alot.....
actually even then its usually ok... mmm i guess the days which dont live up to expectations




#20. If you have to choose between love and friendship, what would it be?
isnt friendship a form of love?
ok fine, lets pretend i understand the poorly phrased question for a moment......
id want to say love bcause i guess i take my friends for granted too much
but i dont think im ready for it


well then now it comes down to who i want to see do this quiz
mmmm well
if u dont get chosen
its a)because im not really interested in how u might answer
b)i think you're predictable
c)you're answers will probably be too politically correct/optimistic/mushy that id live better not knowing?
or d) because i dont know that you read my blog
so if ur insulted, well mmm ur in category d?

anyways
so here
erm lian, tim, joelynn, yvonne
the rest of you even if u did the quiz i wouldnt go hunting for ur answers so bleagh

highlights in her hair
my epiphany
sparkle in her eyes
crucifies me
nudge, sway, pout, glance
takes me, breaks me, crushes kills me
oh to hold you for awhile
reduce me to nothingness within
ardent bliss, summer serenades
this hollow shell, this masquerade
would you love me?
would you know me

im so tired of all the pretences
the "good intetions" and the holiness
and all

maybe thats why im drawn to the real assholes
because they're the least likely to wear masks

dont you know me by now?

so we're all just good monsters
wearing masks and running about

why i need grace

this is kinda overdue
actually its something thats been at teh back of my mind for about a week now

its something i realised from clarence stephens sharing during cell(the older ppl one)

his sharing was bsed on king asa
if you look him up in the old testament
you'd realise that he is the one of the few kings whom they talk about as being fully committed to God

this title probably only being shared by david and solomon(i may be mistaken)

when teh bible calls a person fully committed to God, it isnt a case of hyperbole or being metaphorical
this dude was one of the few who turned back to God, tore down the idols in his land, disposed of his idol worshipping mother
and redirected the peoples focus to God.
in the face of unsurmountable odds, he trusted in God,
and a bunch of ten thousand odd israelites won against a million enemy soldiers without raising their arms(im meaning weapons here)

what a faith,
what a wholeheartedness
yet in the later part of his life, he forsake God for security in man
and when rebuked by a prophet of God
instead of repenting
he took it out on his people by oppressing them
and trusted in physicians instead the God who moved miracles through him

if such a wholehearted, Godly man, who saw God defeat the millions for him
could fall

much less me
with my many doubts, iniquities
the many idols and high places i erected in my life

what hope do i have...
i dont have the faith to conquer the multitudes to start with
what happens when the enemies rise up to take me
whats there to stop me from trusting in man?

asa fell,
solomon was drawn away from God

wisdom cant save a man from temptation
much less my doubts

so what chance do i really have
what kind of fools hope can i really hope to bear

this poor idol exalting fool

ive just read habakkuk
and well,
of all the minor prophets,
i think its one of the coolest
because while the rest of them tell others what God wants to say
this guy risks possible judgement by asking God the questions

and i guess there is a lesson in point for us
that we should ask God why, how and all the other important matters that press in on our hearts

im thouroughly amazed by the wisdom God has given some young people
hahaha
to set our eyes upon God,

its true
i guess
its all that matters
when we set our eyes upon Him
we will be hidden in Him, as the storm passes

fine me in Your river
where streams of living water flow
where im washed clean
whiter than snow
i go under
die
and made anew
where Your Spirit falls
like a dove
and changes everything
and everything else

Zechariah 11:4-17 (New International Version)
Two Shepherds
4 This is what the LORD my God says: "Pasture the flock marked for slaughter. 5 Their buyers slaughter them and go unpunished. Those who sell them say, 'Praise the LORD, I am rich!' Their own shepherds do not spare them. 6 For I will no longer have pity on the people of the land," declares the LORD. "I will hand everyone over to his neighbor and his king. They will oppress the land, and I will not rescue them from their hands."
7 So I pastured the flock marked for slaughter, particularly the oppressed of the flock. Then I took two staffs and called one Favor and the other Union, and I pastured the flock. 8 In one month I got rid of the three shepherds. The flock detested me, and I grew weary of them 9 and said, "I will not be your shepherd. Let the dying die, and the perishing perish. Let those who are left eat one another's flesh."
10 Then I took my staff called Favor and broke it, revoking the covenant I had made with all the nations. 11 It was revoked on that day, and so the afflicted of the flock who were watching me knew it was the word of the LORD.
12 I told them, "If you think it best, give me my pay; but if not, keep it." So they paid me thirty pieces of silver.
13 And the LORD said to me, "Throw it to the potter"-the handsome price at which they priced me! So I took the thirty pieces of silver and threw them into the house of the LORD to the potter.
14 Then I broke my second staff called Union, breaking the brotherhood between Judah and Israel.
15 Then the LORD said to me, "Take again the equipment of a foolish shepherd. 16 For I am going to raise up a shepherd over the land who will not care for the lost, or seek the young, or heal the injured, or feed the healthy, but will eat the meat of the choice sheep, tearing off their hoofs.
17 "Woe to the worthless shepherd,
who deserts the flock!
May the sword strike his arm and his right eye!
May his arm be completely withered,
his right eye totally blinded!"

so this is our babylon

this was a rather troubling passage in zechariah
why? because before it was a passage on God blessing, Jerusalem,
then after that
suddenly in zechariah 11:1
it turns, and talks about the desecration of Israel
and then this
a passage about shepards

now shepards biblically, usually have postive connotations
church leaders, and even Jesus himself
but over here the verses talk about foolish shepards
and shepards that couldnt care less about the flock

a broken and contrite heart, You wont despise
You promised to care for us
we lowly meek ones

well, lets start with some very obvious truths
firstly that,
God does give special provisions, and cares especially for the poor, the weak and the meek

You given me these little ones
these weak ones
they are mine

another truth
God sometimes lets terrible leaders rule His people
the Herods, the Ahabs

i wish it were as i acted
that i didnt care
but i do, as much as i hate to admit it
so there will be hell to pay
if u lead them astray

so the line of reasoning goes on like this
when the leaders walk astray
and dont keep to the straight and narrow
God has no choice but to cast them out
and this He will do,
according to His character
Him being just

the thing is God cares so much for the lowly meek poor ones
but God has to judge His people as a whole
yes, He will send others to come and tend to the meek
but His favour
and unity
cannot dwell on such a people

so everyone,
especially the meek ones
lose the benefits of Gods favour
and unity

i never was one for authority
maybe it was a thing for juvenile rebellion
but if any good came out of it
its that in a time such as this
i dont struggle or hurt much when the powers that be make a joke of themselves

and maybe i have changed,
for such a time as this

well the foolish shepard in the end loses his right arm leg etc
the very offices of his service and more, but thats not the point

we
we who know, who think who percieve, (all that which being sentient gives us the privelige of)
it becomes our responsibility,
to pasture the flock
to protect especially the meek
even when the world comes crashing down
and lady babylon comes with her debauchery to the land
we have a call to fulfill
right where we are

im not paid to be politically correct
so here

lol

not all of it is funny

but yeah

read in zechariah a whole excerpt where God chided a bunch of israelites when they asked if they should fast

seems really strange at first
God scolding people for fasting

but i guess as i thought about it
and reread the verses leading on
i guess the issue is not so much the fasting as is the intention behind it

problem is so often we engage ourselves in so many religous activities for our own sake
so that we may feel better about ourselves, so that we may become more justified
we pray and do our quiet time so to meet that quota
so when others ask after us we can show them how fine and dandy we are

in zechariah, the passage goes on to ask the israelites to administer justice to show mercy and compassion
all the things our pretence so often does not extend to
sure we love our friends but its hard to love the unlovable
we administer justice and are plentiful merciful to ourselves and our kindred
not bad but consider that even mafiastos know how to take care of their own

we forgo building relationships with the outcasts, the queer, the difficult
the alcohlics, the bengs, the crude
in the name of keeping our minds and lifestyles pure
we choose to isolate ourselves from those more "secular"

we forget that Jesus dined often in the presence of tax collectors and prostitutes
that He chose to focus His ministry instead on temple sacrifices and service
would throw Himself in "unclean" situations so that He could administer justice, mercy and compassion

may we never make an idol out of church and church activity
and forget that loving comes before service

1 Kings 19:11-14
11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
14 He replied, "I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too."

to the daft, this passage is not by a minor prophet......
buahahahhaha

anyways, just some background
to those unacquainted with this passage from the bible
its about this really cool dude named Elijah,
an anoited prophet of God in the truest senses
worker of miracles and all
he called down fire, called forth rain, brought widow's sons to life and the like

so yeah
this particular passage happens after a high point in his life
a great spiritual and political victory for israel
he suddenly faces great discouragement at the hands of an evil queen called jezebel

hais,
women problems seem to plague mankind
right from the original sin
although of course, if one would ask, there was a time where women werent a problem
hahaha
yeah
before eve was created.....

so anyways, this jezebel, being the archetype of the alpha female, which apparently isnt of much spiritual value, bauhahaha
persecutes him
and so he runs away

being the good man of God he is, he lived before Christ came, so we cant call him a christian, at least i think so,
he doesnt contemplate suicide, which is apparently a form of great rebellion against God
but yeah,
asks God to end his life

as much as i am a self proclaimed lover of the psalms
truth is the kind of passages that really tug my heart are the ones like these
the ones about Abraham, Issac, Jacob, Moses, David, Jonah, Thomas, Peter, Paul
of liars, cheats, adulterers, murderers, doubters, betrayers and the like
great men of God, who move mountains,
and then at one point or other fall on their faces in the midst of the valley


i need these verses
because for one such as myself, a doubter,
so often i taste the goodness of God and yet i turn my back and run
i struggle against the joy and abundant life
i taste and percieve the holiness of God and yet struggle with my sin and iniquity, or rather fail to struggle with
i encounter the true and living God, but go away barely changed
or fall back into discouragement and end up a hardened bitter person
i need these verses because they show me that as hopeless as i am
im just like any other great men of God
great not of any virtue of my own but the very fact that our God is great
and He is in the eternal business of picking us up and putting us back again


so back to elijah
seeing his discouragement
God gives him rest and chow
God shows him great signs and wonders
but above and beyond that
God speaks to him in that still small voice

and there lies the key

we need the still small voice of God
more than running away
more than sabbaticals and binges
more than miracles


because despite all the joy that we christians claim we have
i wake up on weekdays and despise booking in every morning
on weekends i get out of bed sometimes reasonably amiable and hopeful
and return to it worn out and lonely
waves of circumstance come crashing in
unamiable buggers come by and touch our lives, so often in unedifying ways

and we long in our mire of self pity and despair
for it all to end
for the wind to sweep us away,
the earth to shake
and the fire to come and consume us
to run away and wait for the big fish

but the truth is
we need God
to come and tell us in that oh so still and small voice
that everything will be ok

and till that happens
we will never be able to cover our faces
and submit our hurts and grievances,
fears and anxieties,
sins and iniquities,
flesh and failings
all back to God
and let Him make the difference

oh God
would that You speak
that we may hear Your words for us
and let it make all the difference in our lives

well, im rushing my blogposts now because my wireless is failing me
erm yeah, im sitting like 2m from the transmitter
any further and it seems that i cant get a connection so yeah

anyways, to put on a great show that i do treasure what the people around me say
i shall try to post about the more poignant statements made my those around me recently

anyways
cheryl was talking me today
and she happened to mention my jonah post and all
and she raised, i guess, a valid point that the book of jonah kind of ends abruptly
that it ends with the dead vine
and God giving a monologue
and teaching jonah a lesson
it doesnt go on to tell us jonahs response

hmm
after much thought
i think abrupt as it is
the book has the most perfect ending it could ask for
it ends with God speaking, and doing something in the life of His servant,
His work and His word,

and well
noting that the bible's focus should be on God rather than the idiosyncrisies and shortfalls of His people
i think it is fitting
the way i see it, which may seem plenty pessimistic,
no matter what response Jonah gave
be it grumbling more against God, or repenting and learning
no response would be a fit reply to the work of God, and thus a satisfactory

this is what makes Gods grace truly amazing
that no matter how we respond to it,
it is never truly a response worthy enough of what God has done

Jonah's response is therefore kind of irrelevant, forgive me for being so blatant
sure some people would love to find out how Jonah, probably would fall down on his face
and turn his life around
but that would be his struggle
encouraging as it may be

the real crux would be our own response to what God has said and is saying
the message of tough love
of His soveriegnty,
and the fact that He loves every other irritating, descpicable bugger out there as much as us

sure it would be inspiring and encouraging to hear how other rotters make it
but yeah,
we should never be distracted from the truth
that anyone only ever makes it by Gods grace.....


on to something probably more utterly rubbishy
lianny raised an amusing anxiety to me over the phone
how his well, oddities may somehow affect the possibilities of him finding his better half in the near future

lols
well
hmm
i guess i have nothing to say to that out of personal experience
other than the fact that that is one of the anxieties i have as well

we're part of the bunch of wierd people that others would probably label as "that funny person"
which basically means one who is eccentric and possibly slightly off his rocker

hmms

we dont fit into any social stereotype
or rather
i guess we choose not to or insist that we dont
out of probably the disgust at being part of a bigger picture
and the great egoistical pride we take at being different

so anyways
what exactly do we do about ourselves
when we march to the beat of a different drum from everyone else
or at least simply insist that we have our own groove

when we look at creation
as CS Lewis would write, that the metaphysical narrative has the kind of syncopated qualities one would expect to find in some fantastic fiction....
well those being my paraphrasing of his words to be exact, my memory isnt photogenic
i guess as much as you would find central themes, repeating patterns and enough similarities to slow waltz, lindy hop and all other names of dance, which i honestly dont care about enough to remember, in the play of life
life and time, works out with an off beat, track of controlled chaos in the background and forfront, or at least i percieve it to be


theres nothing wrong with being the only one in a crowd not tearing
not on your knees
theres nothing wrong with thinking when the rest are feeling
maybe we're just wired differently

i guess being one of the offbeats isnt such a bad thing
its the figuring out of how we learn to combine our lack of community rhythm with the song everyone else mindlessly blares out into something beautiful, or at least not assaulting to the senses.....that is the challenge...


since anyways
God created us all unique
i guess it was in His wisdom and plan
to create all of us different and yet to unite us
variety in the midst of perfect unity

well
we work towards utopia?
a mammoth dream i would suppose
(havent really answered the problem of finding a mate i suppose)

but anyways
i guess ive been thinking about what a dear someone said to me
something alongst the lines of lowering ones expectations, and thus allowing oneself not only to avoid disappointment but to be pleasantly suprised fairly often
well i regurgitated it a couple of times in my mind
(i think meditation works kinda like the four stomachs of a cow)

but i think as christians it would be dishonouring to GOd
if we lower the standards of our ambition
i mean yes, as little kids we often dream of limitless plains and high mountains
and later on in life find out that empty open plains dont provide much shelter from the rain or the cold and the higher the ground, the more painful when we fall off

micheal chabon writes in one of his books
that a hope fulfilled is half disappointed
and i think that has plenty of substance....

but we have a hope that already does not disappoint
salvation isnt just about dying and going to a happy place
its about seeing every single promise of God work out in our lives....

haha
ironic isnt it
to hear all the optimistic pleasantries from a self proclaimed pessimist
but im starting to believe that there is room for the pessimist in the kingdom
forgive me for my egotism
but i think pessmism, provides excellent fodder for a better and deeper understanding of grace
buahahahahah