been trying to read up the minor prophets in the bible
a normally overlooked bunch of books
but the prose and message in these short books is amazing

anyways
recently i was kinda stumped by what i read in malachi
(no ive not like finished most of the minor prohpets, i happened to start from the back)
anyways the prophet talks about how God chooses Jacob and not Esau

and i was just set to thinking
Esau was the strong, independant, able, hairy(lols) one
Jacobs name means the supplanter, or in simple english, the cheat

and i guess i realised after some background reading and meditation that God doesnt look for the alpha-male
those super talented, and intoxicated with themselves
He chooses cheats, broken people whom He can wrestle down,
(erm not saying that if ur the alpha type God cant use u...)
but i guess its a comfort for me
because i know God can use a altogether not totally honest, supplanter such as myself
as long as i learn to put my confidence in Him, and let Him wrestle me down....


im beginning to think about revival
and how revival is a manifestation of eternity in time

seems counter-intinuitive sometimes noting how revivals seem ephemeral in history
but i guess it has some truth

when Gods people begin to live with eternity in mind
and live towards life, eternal
God can come and turn the hearts of fathers to their children and vice versa
eternal life after all is knowing God
and revival is essentially God coming and letting people know Him
at an intense level

of death on trees and stuff

ah well mr lian,
but i plagarised the whole thing
ahahhahaha
sorry old bean, i doubt i have the literary accumen to write worthy prose or verse in honour of tolkien

but you raised a poignant point....
the final flowering:
When once the darkness again had passed,
and crowned in glory the new king sat fast,
on Mindolluin's slopes you grew,
one last hope that timely bloomed

anyone who says outright that tolkien wrote allegorically obviously doesnt pay any attention to what tolkien claimed...

but anyways

so the white tree is a promise of hope,
of a return of valour, strength, of Isildur's heir
but so long, so long have they waited....
till hope is dead
and only the foolish cherish it
hope so vain it becomes a thing of melachony and beauty

we're waiting for a return of our own
an aged and jaded one, maybe
that timeless curse, death on a tree
that in Him we may all be free

just to inform the deaf and the hard of hearing
i have changed my blog song
well
big whoop
anyways
its now found from the hillsong cd mighty to save
its abit hard to swallow at first
buts its a beautiful song

the white tree

Sign of kings and Numenor's power,
Born from Celeborn's white flower,
Nimloth fair, tall did you grow,
But in Ar-Pharazon you found a foe.

Oh, Nimloth fair, blessed Tree,
The axe did fall, thrice times three,
Nimloth, who Yavanna adored,
Fell to blow from axe and sword.

Yet praises be to Elendil tall,
Who took, before Numenor's fall,
Nimloth's child, small and fair,
In Minas Ithil it blossomed there.

Though thrice it died, to plague or war,
Thrice the king a sapling saw.
Nimloth! Nimloth! Your name is fair,
Your children live whilst kings take air.

But now that time is gone and dead.
No king to lead the country's head.
Nimloth now has no heir,
Gondor has no king to care.

In the Steward's courtyard bright,
The last White Tree, no longer white,
Waiting for the king to come,
There are no Ages of the Sun.

The line of Numenor is gone,
Of those old kings there is not one.
Nimloth bright, you wait in vain,
The kings will not come again!

Ai, Nimloth! Fairer than Tinuviel,
In Numenor once you fell,
Galathilion was whence you came,
From him Celeborn was named.

Fairest Tree, you are no more,
The world has gained a grievous sore.

the past few weeks have been surreal
i mean yes
there was life concert
and i did get to meet up with so many people i missed dearly and stuff
but i think its more than that

hmm
i think i came back from wallaby a changed man
u spend a month in the wilderness,
spamming lifehouse-storm on your ipod just to keep your mood up
stealing other peoples bibles when u can because u forgot to pack your own

the sheer amount of time, helped me get many things down
at least subconsciously

but after a few months, it all seemed to take a downward dip
i realised the mess i made of myself back in singapore
with my insistance on rebellion, and attitude

i guess my big fish came along
and yeah
so im here after the vine died
and im still figuring out what to do with the dead plant

hmm
jan feb and march
hmm
i think i really struggled with many things in my mind
questions that mattered
not that i had answers to any of them

well
the past few weeks have been amazing
not that the storms cleared
but i think ive found my anchor....

thought for food

have you ever seen trick candles?
the kind you put on a birthday cake
and ask some poor sod to blow it out
and laugh as he makes his face red from the effort?
cause the candles keep relighting

well for the uninitiated, trick candles work because of the special wick
its loosely bound instead of tightly
so even when u put it out
there is room in the middle of the wick for smouldering
and thus it relights itself

maybe thats the problem with so many of us
we let our exteriors burn so brightly while we dont let our insides burn
if only we would bring the fire inside
where the wind cant blow it
mebbie we would learn not to blow out

now i know about the narrtive plothole
where some young unassuming kid
will come wide eyed to me and ask what if we dump the trick candles in water
well
im not paid to come up with this
so yeah

as you can infer from my last blog post,
ive been reading and meditating on the book of jonah
you the guy and the big fish thing

i took a nice long walk today from junction 8 to upper thomson road
dont ask me why
and well i thought about why i was so drawn and ministered to by this story

now, there is scholarly debate on whether the book of jonah like several other bible books is myth or reality
such a discussion is beyond me
even if it stories, stories have their place
Jesus told many stories too
so anyways

i think the story of jonah is especially poignant for me,
me being the emotionally deficient, cynical, pessimistic bugger
who'd rather complain all day(if anyones willing to listen)
then go about loving others

its a currently popular doctrine, that of God being a gentleman-
Him being soft spoken, never forcing us, always asking politely and knocking softly
and i do embrace this doctrine,
but as the book of jonah shows us
He's more than just gentleman
we refuse, we turn away, we run in the other direction jump onboard the first ship we see
than God sends a storm and a big fish,
till we're lower than we thought we could go
and we turn back to Him

He's a God who asks politely but insists,
He's a God who speaks softly but firmly,
He's a God who doesnt force our hand per say
but plays punk when He needs to
He knocks softly, but sticks His foot in the door

when CS Lewis says, and Max Lucado quotes that the people who do enter hell are the rebels who finally succeed
i can finally see why.... it must take alot to deter such a unrelenting stalker
oh terrible love, that will not let me go

then the story of jonah moves on to jonah not being happy at what God does
moping and all(gosh a man after my own heart)
and God, in a delightfully irritating and sadistic manner
toys with him by giving him shade and than depriving him of it

We have a God, who upon whim will not hesitate to land us on our bums, and through humiliation teach us how much of an ass we are
ahhh, the God that we serve
(lovely, biblical perspectives supporting my coarser, more ungentlemanly side)


i used to embrace the mantra of the big fish,
how the fact that God will chase and hunt us down even when we run away
thus making it alright for us to run
but i guess after my own big fishes
well
fish innards are already unbearble for some of us when we see/smell them from the outside

You died for me before i knew You
You drew me in and cared for me when i couldnt care less about You
when i said no, You insisted
when i resisted, You persisted
when i tried to run away, You let me fall, then dragged me back kicking and screaming
Oh God of the storm and the big fish
You big, incorrigible, unkindly meanie
for being infinitely more terrible than me
this ungrateful bum thanks You

you werent mine to begin with

Jonah's Prayer
2 "In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave
I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
3 You hurled me into the deep,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
4 I said, 'I have been banished f
rom your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.'
5 The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
6 To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit,
O LORD my God.
7 "When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, LORD,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.
8 "Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
9 But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the LORD."


this passage really moved me
i was drawn to it as i read Anne Rice's Christ the Lord out of egypt
for those with bibles without good refrencing, well part of the beauty of this prayer is jonahs constant quotation of psalms
the book really drew me to a beautiful part of jewish culture
whereby good pious jewish children were taught the psalms and they incorporated such beautiful lines into their depths

but i guess more importantly, it made me wonder
will i only submit to God when im finally at the mercy of gutteral secretions of a big fish
will i turn and run the other way?



im becoming depraved

im giving it all back to you
all back to you
my surrender
im giving it all back to you
all back to you
my surrender
take it all

my minds in a whirl
like someone left it in a blender
i dont know what to think nowadays
there is this storm inside my head threatening to blow over

i miss the days when i didnt need to/couldnt read between the lines
the life of no insinuations,

i miss the days where i pushed the boundaries without guilt
where my myopia made up for my lack of a conscience

i miss the days when i didnt bother

cosmic irony,
that when i decide to give a damn(pardon my language)
the world takes on a bleaker shade

maybe thats just the way i paint it

wont you be my anchor
keep me grounded in this storm

life conc 08

what a blast
i dunno how to put it into words
the sweat tears toil
the euphoria
the craziness
the move of God
the humbling of self
the brocolli
lol

i think the milestone for me this year
well apart from not being able to help much
was really to both see my juniors rise up as well as hmm
i guess getting to know some really amazing people

im realising how little talent and ability i actually have
no this is not self deprication
but if we all realistically look at ourselves
and have a proper knowledge of what skill and talent really is
then hmm
its like they say
the more one knows the more one knows how much he doesnt know
but yeah
i think whats amazing about it is how God calls us, we who have little to honour him with it
and i think sometimes, its like a blessing
because that way we learn to rely on Him more
its kinda like pauls thorn in the side
although maybe we're spared the thorn
and yeah like chaos said
"he kinda made more mistakes?"
but hmm
i guess its a lesson of God moving through our weaknesses

i think its really cool
to know that we have this big christian family out there
who go beyond church or school
who are labouring for the unsaved

and well
although i missed planetshakers this year
i think i didnt miss all that much
cos i got to be a small part of another movement
mayhaps less professional but not lacking in heart or intent
cheeros

part of me wishes to be a big part of all these
the music lights
and the message
i wish i had more outlets
but i guess maybe ive got to become more humbled and broken first

i give up this dream to You
oh giver of dreams
because only in You
can anything really be worth anything

mein kampf

i still remember that day,
when you started up a chat with me as i sat there feeling lonely
something about the finer points of using Kataphraktoi against enemy armies
and made me feel, well a little less alien

you included me
answered my questions, fought my doubts, prayed for me, and made me feel way cooler about myself than you needed to
you were there even when i was difficult
and i thank you

good luck as you embark off the shores of singlehood
friend

reflections from a taxi ride

well,
me and jimmy chaos took a cab home on sunday
ahahha
this particular cab stopped to pick us up just after i prayed "God please give us a cab, we're tired and we need to book in tml"

hmm

well anyways
this really cranky cab driver was telling us how he actually didnt want to pick us up
how he had to do something in potong pasir
and yeah
how he'd recognise our faces and never stop for us again


hahah


but we earthlings spend so much effort filling our world with lights and static
trying to keep the darkness off our streets
attempting to break the stillness
we forget the darkness within
the shadows on tainting our hearts and minds

light brings heat
if only You would come and illuminate mine depths
and thaw out my faculties

You ask me for my dreams and aspirations
but what are they to You,
they count for nothing, but chaff in the wind
not much heavier than air
but take the dreams from a dreamer and what is he left with?

but You ask,
and i've promised it all before
take what You want

my whims and daydreams
they amount to not much
but they are hard to let go off
maybe because they are pretty much all i own

so You're asking me to hand over my future
its nothing much without You
so i guess i can let it go
but i cant
im wilful
and i want my own way
i want to go sinatras way,
and live it my way,
even if that doesnt achieve much

but You ask again,
so i cry
and i try to let go
because i know
You are good

You ask again for my dreams and aspirations
and make me wonder
if i havent really given them up at all
what does surrendering it to You mean anways?
to give You my life? my choices?
the right to let You dictate my course
and what i end up achieving?
or is my pride?
my revelry in my own acumen?

im realising just how rotten my foundation is
and its a jagged pill

to humble my pride,
and tear up this lovely picture i have of myself in my head
and accept that im more immature, flippant and unsaved than i think i am
and turn back to You

gosh i wish id listened more when You asked me to take root in Your word
even the headless chicken seems to have screwed on a noggin
and im not more found than i was 4/5 years ago

gosh, i miss being a kid
being spoonfed
being taken care of

but i guess im not so young anymore
and i should have grown up
maybe thats the problem
ive never really risen up
never learnt to give of myself
but just expected to continue recieving?

so do i step up to the plate?
is it to late?
is there even room?
a place for me to act now
or have i lost the script, am i 2 scenes too late

i dont know anymore
i have no idea what to do,
what to expect
or where i belong anymore
i just knowi have to find my feet
before i waste another year or two

help me to find myself in You

i lie too much, just for the sake of convenience,
i dont know how to speak my mind, let alone my heart

for all my claims of mental acumen, i dont know what to think anymore
its no longer just "i dont know what i want" but more like "i just dont know"
bleagh

hey you, i want to pick your mind,
to know what you're thinking, when you're thinking, while you're thinking it
hey you, you are beautiful

its confusing,
im not sure which direction to go
cant just follow the tide,
not that ive ever,
ive always marched to the beat of a different drum,
like ive been living in antiphase
but even now, it seems that the majority doesnt even seem to be headed in the same directions

id suffer honey mustard just for you

some would say follow your heart,
but its fickle, and mine seems a tad dead

i say everything but what i mean to say,
id lose my mind over you
dont you know me?

where does the wind blow now?