crazed intoxication

feeling moody and confused
oh cruel grace
to give a man hope
now im tearing away from the inside
so im not beyond it
argh

giving me a piece of you
now my puzzles messed up

sfc handing over ceremony was really interesting
only one person cried
dang
now i lost a bet

finally realising how cold and thoughtless ive been
wish i could go back and change things
but ive sown
and failed to sow
now to reap the fruits of barreness

did i really think it would turn out alright?
holding on so tight to my own delusions

its like a bad victorian tragedy
laughter turns to tears
it must be a jest, a theatre run by fools.

trying hard to love
but argh
i can tolerate people who are unassuming.

every rose has thorns
and ive drawn back my hand far too many times

scars run deep,
some wounds are still fresh,

scared of pain
scared of misplaced hopes

so where do i go from here?

gosh
i hate you
i try to believe that
but i just cant
and i cant let go

cant i just fly away?
cant i just sober up to a different reality
where reality doesnt cut so bad?

so i am an elitist
fine
i will admit to so much
and i will stop there

oppurtunity cost

a friend of mine who shares the same name as me informed me recently that in the true spirit of econs, he dropped econs because of its oppurtunity cost was too high, and there was unlimited demands on his time

well
a conclusion i came to recently is that most(no at all sadly) jeremy's are brilliant
hee

well
my proof is simple
parents must be pretty smart to name their sons jeremy, which by the way is a brilliant choice of name
thus if the gene lottery goes well enough
more often than not, the child should end up inheriting intelligence
wahahhahaahha

but seriously
it got me thinking of alot of things
mainly the value of our actions

sometimes i do wonder what if
what if i had not come to sajc
wad if id chosen a different cca
some of the what ifs are scary and i refuse to note them down here

but i guess the counting the cost is a major part of life
and im glad to say while there were many bad decisions
i dont really have regrets for my actions over the past year
i met alot of people, good people who im glad to call my friends
ive also learnt a whole lot which i wouldnt give away

i guess the only regret i have is not doing more
not living more
not being more effective

recently some social interactions have left me perturbed
maybe its not gossip to talk about other ppl
but hmm
do i find him obnoxious
honestly abit
or maybe more than abit
but then again
i find myself obnoxious
haha
maybe thats why i choose to spend time with him
even though he isnt my favourite person on the planet
and i noe what its like to feel alone
and well
if he really is all that bad than i guess more than others he needs God rite?
i guess learning to love includes learning to love those who are hard to love

well
God did
for me

anyways
just want to blog on a single incident that really moved me
the farewell party for the j2s
hmm
i noe feet-washing can become a ritual
but yeah
it was an interesting experience
getting to wash my juniors feet
was well as some ppl suprising me by insisting on washing mine
im not really sure which is more humbling
having to wash someones feet or having to watch people u respect humble themselves
ah well
God bless the j1s in their future endeavours
may God's protection guidance and special favour be with them
may they count the cost and find it worthwhile

what i would give to take the disappointment from your eyes
to be your hero once again
by the die has been cast
and all i can do is regret and walk on....


i like eric not because of his genius but because he sees love as one on the outside staring in
never to taste it for himself

havent enjoying talking in such a long while
at least some of my conversations today werent disappointments

hmm
tot alot of things through
honestly
i guess it took me 2 long years to learn a lesson

at least its not 40
but other than that ive nothing much to show for it
at least by my own standards
ive been thinking of what it means to leave a legacy
but then im probably not qualified to talk abt that
so i shant
i shall just say
that sometimes,
what we really want
is that which we think we despise
and sometimes
what we need
is what we have bred ourselves to hate
what excitement
whee

its been some time now
feeling kinda laid back
well
im usually kinda of laid back so i guess its deja vu

hmm
what to say now since im online
i usually have lots to say when im mulling about on the bus or in front of a book
but when i on the com
most of it disappears

lets start by saying that i think a name which declares God as our light is beautiful
well chosen

names mean alot
mine means that God has uplifted
i probably havent lived up to it cos im not really walking on cloud nine now
but what does it mean to have YAHWEH lift us up?

maybe ive not learnt to surrender enough
to be broken
may we all learn this virtue without having to be cast down

many things have gone on since i last blogged
for one bT2 results are out
i did quite ok
except for physics -b and gp -b4
hai
maybe i should work harder
maybe

im tired of getting distracted
i dunno but something just gnaws away at me from the inside
knowing that we're supposed were supposed to do so much more
but yet
yet

maybe im losing it
maybe im lost

help me to be found again
found by love and grace

BT2 is over
Wow
Amazing
i barely studied for it at all
hope i dun do too badly
but i thank God for these couple of days to catch my breath

went for the FIRE conference
must say,
blew my mind
i havent danced in God's presence for so long
too long

stabbing close to my heart
so yeah
maybe i have been holding on to the past and refusing to learn to accept the changes God brings
may i not end up burrying my talent in the ground

so maybe ive lived in apathy for too long
let my faith become a thing of comfort and not of action
anyways
i guess its time for a change
if only i knew exactly what to do

I must admit
maybe im biased towards German preachers

reminds me of a good joke:

1 british man-a fool
2 british men-a social club
3 british men- an empire

1 german man- a brilliant man
2 german men- a political party
3 german men- a war

hahahahahha
quoted from the movie Nuremburg

may i learn to lose my dignity for God's sake

i thought i knew you all along
you're so much more
and i find myself falling for you..... again

oh God,
wont you just draw me back
a heart hardened by habit
a mind closed by training
if only you would come along and set things right again
and tear my world apart

come melt the apathy
come and blow my mind
im not afraid of fire anymore
come burn...... deep

deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfall,
all your waves and breakers have swept over me

come overwhelm me again
leave me in awe and wonder
break me
make me
consume me

hai
gosh
finally im off the hook and not on roster
and when i should be happy
i miss touching the sound console board...

i think the preacher was right
we are identified by what we do
and i guess im too used to being the sound guy

actually i love that vocation
hai
but i guess its for the better, that i take a step back
guess if i really want to serve in that capactiy,
i should integrate myself deeply in church first

truth is,
i dont want to be the source of a double standard,
id rather not serve, than serve while breaking ministry rules...

i dun noe, recently, well i guess times have really changed much
never knew i was capable of disappointing people that much
never thought of myself as anyones hero
but i guess i was at a point to some people
so how does superman feel when he lets people down?

i dun noe
but im no stalin
and i guess i realise how much i messed up
well

some people think ive got it all together
but truth is, i just am clearer on how far things are apart....

i guess im being drawn
by truth
and your character
just
hai
sometimes i wish i wasnt the way i was
but i guess i dun have time for that comfort
just well do what i can do to the best of my abilities, and hope
ahha