i hate christmas,
i wont hide that fact
at least, i hate christmas church services....
hai
honestly, i sometimes feel like that character from Charles Dickens tale
being too caught up in meaningless chases, in my case, the castle i conjur up in my head
and lose sight of what christmas is really about
i am ashamed of the gospel
i have no choice now but to accept that fact now
i make so many bold promises and proclimations
but i fail to deliver
God forgive this pharisee
so this bear is wounded
yes
badly wounded
despite my sometimes apparently stoic outlook,
at least i hope its stoic
i guess im driven by many basic desires, and emotions
and many of them just so cowardly and shameful
its no wonder i want to appear stoic
the truth is
i guess im scared
im scared of what the world will look like the moment i step out of this topsy turvy one of my own creation
im scared of losing face
im scared of breaking my pride
its quite ironic
im scared of stepping out in faith
but im scared of getting left behind
im probably the butt of many cosmic jokes
no wonder my 7mth old cousin likes to look at me with his ever big eyes and laugh
haha
maybe he senses my struggles and finds it so funny
or maybe he likes fat dudes
lol
on to a side topic that doesnt matter
i like young kids and babies
maybe because they are innocent and arent tt complicated
yet
...
if u're wondering my post seems more unreadable than usual
its because something someone wrote in a card to me touched me
it may suprise you to find out who
but seriously
id better go do some self reflection
hmm
better yet
id better go talk to my big boss
lol
before my heart hardens over again
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Friday, December 16, 2005
old hand
the title probably will have nothing to do with the post...
then again, this whole blog probably is the closest thing to spontaneous random
often i start writing something
and by the time im halfway through ive lost the initial inspiration,
and im powering my way through using pure will
i used to think blogging was a form of artistic expression
but looking at my own writing
i guess its probably a playground
for little schoolboys who think of real art, probably similar to what a cow thinks of art
to try and make something out of the sand
hmm
building sandcastles
so often we think and think
but no matter how deep we seem to go
all we need is a little pain, a little reality
and we're back to primitive instinct
hai
so this is what the outer court feels like
to have to look in
im beginning to understand and truly appreciate what someone said some time ago
haah
a synonym for love is time
the first time i heard it i thought what utter rubbish it was
love was love
what did it have to do with time
i guess i had to fall away to realise that time is the one gift we have due to our existance within time-space
when we become part of eternity or when we transcend time
put it whatever way u wish
i guess this commodity will no longer be in our hands
so as the bible says
where our heart is
there our treasure will also be
and time is one of our greatest treasure
taking that view point
i realise that i dont love God
now dont be astonished
i mean
ok
fine
im quite shocked myself
but i suppose looking at the fact that i spent the whole of last week playing 60% computer games during my waking moments
the de facto assumption would be i love com games more than God
which is quite sad
i can understand why Saint Peter could only say he loved God as a friend when asked whether he loved God enough to sacrifice his life for God
hmm
im amazed he could even say that
cos if i was asked that question
i would run from it
deny it
probably find some delusion to catch myself up into
cause the answer just frightens me
then again
the question has always been posed
and i guess ive always been running
Do you love me?
sometimes i wonder if i do at all
since so often my actions and words reflect otherwise
i suppose at this point i shall have to stop and comfort myself that i am probably in the midst of a process whereby i have to learn to love God
but dang
it hurts
the knowledge that saying yes at this point would make me a hypocrite
recently i watched king kong
yes it does rhyme with ping pong but tts not the point
its a good movie
but i cant say i thouroughly enjoyed myself
probably because im embarassed at the fact that the character i identify with the most is black, hairy, and is 20-25 feet tall, and beats his breast after ripping apart T-rexes jaw or any poor creature that makes it mad
hmm
i mean
i like my stubble but really
i guess chris was right in saying that the path we tread is not the easy one
but its the only one we can take
cos if dont take it
well
put it simply
we deny ourselves the only shred of true humanity we ever had
subserveance to God
thats what we were created for i guess
tts y i sigh when we see a beautiful sunset
tts y i close my eyes to escape everytime i get a good americano
tts probably y i like stoning so much too
cos reality is
by twisted nature
we are running towards doom
and our hope is in an upwards struggle
well on a lighter note
ive realised that i havent started my xmas shopping
and it is coming quite soon
hmm
well if ur reading this
and u dont get anything for christmas
dont hold it against me
i started late
dang
my sis got me something
and i dun even noe what she likes
....
hai
well
if im naggy
thats bcos im old
hehe
so i have the right
right.....
for ur info
i think that crazed intoxication is bad
although is spend too much time thinking about it
then again, this whole blog probably is the closest thing to spontaneous random
often i start writing something
and by the time im halfway through ive lost the initial inspiration,
and im powering my way through using pure will
i used to think blogging was a form of artistic expression
but looking at my own writing
i guess its probably a playground
for little schoolboys who think of real art, probably similar to what a cow thinks of art
to try and make something out of the sand
hmm
building sandcastles
so often we think and think
but no matter how deep we seem to go
all we need is a little pain, a little reality
and we're back to primitive instinct
hai
so this is what the outer court feels like
to have to look in
im beginning to understand and truly appreciate what someone said some time ago
haah
a synonym for love is time
the first time i heard it i thought what utter rubbish it was
love was love
what did it have to do with time
i guess i had to fall away to realise that time is the one gift we have due to our existance within time-space
when we become part of eternity or when we transcend time
put it whatever way u wish
i guess this commodity will no longer be in our hands
so as the bible says
where our heart is
there our treasure will also be
and time is one of our greatest treasure
taking that view point
i realise that i dont love God
now dont be astonished
i mean
ok
fine
im quite shocked myself
but i suppose looking at the fact that i spent the whole of last week playing 60% computer games during my waking moments
the de facto assumption would be i love com games more than God
which is quite sad
i can understand why Saint Peter could only say he loved God as a friend when asked whether he loved God enough to sacrifice his life for God
hmm
im amazed he could even say that
cos if i was asked that question
i would run from it
deny it
probably find some delusion to catch myself up into
cause the answer just frightens me
then again
the question has always been posed
and i guess ive always been running
Do you love me?
sometimes i wonder if i do at all
since so often my actions and words reflect otherwise
i suppose at this point i shall have to stop and comfort myself that i am probably in the midst of a process whereby i have to learn to love God
but dang
it hurts
the knowledge that saying yes at this point would make me a hypocrite
recently i watched king kong
yes it does rhyme with ping pong but tts not the point
its a good movie
but i cant say i thouroughly enjoyed myself
probably because im embarassed at the fact that the character i identify with the most is black, hairy, and is 20-25 feet tall, and beats his breast after ripping apart T-rexes jaw or any poor creature that makes it mad
hmm
i mean
i like my stubble but really
i guess chris was right in saying that the path we tread is not the easy one
but its the only one we can take
cos if dont take it
well
put it simply
we deny ourselves the only shred of true humanity we ever had
subserveance to God
thats what we were created for i guess
tts y i sigh when we see a beautiful sunset
tts y i close my eyes to escape everytime i get a good americano
tts probably y i like stoning so much too
cos reality is
by twisted nature
we are running towards doom
and our hope is in an upwards struggle
well on a lighter note
ive realised that i havent started my xmas shopping
and it is coming quite soon
hmm
well if ur reading this
and u dont get anything for christmas
dont hold it against me
i started late
dang
my sis got me something
and i dun even noe what she likes
....
hai
well
if im naggy
thats bcos im old
hehe
so i have the right
right.....
for ur info
i think that crazed intoxication is bad
although is spend too much time thinking about it
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
homesick
read finish problem of pain by C.S.Lewis
good old Lewis
hai
the last chapter really did alot to me
hmm
maybe because i was high on coffee
haha
maybe i shd do all my readings at starbucks
hahahah
but seriously
maybe Gods finally dealing with my view of the world
anyways, gotta say tt yeah,
feeling better than i have ever felt
but then again
i guess further from it all then ever
finally reconciled the role of thinker in a way
i guess there has always been room for the intellectual adoration of Christ
just that maybe not a role well explored by the church
then again
i guess i dun really have the right to say much
except maybe
hmm
i guess just gotta learn as i go along
we learn
bit by bit
we learn
new painful lesson everyday
so here i am,
i guess making a little more sense of it all then i did yesterday
ahah
still probably have no idea at all
but i guess its ok
good old Lewis
hai
the last chapter really did alot to me
hmm
maybe because i was high on coffee
haha
maybe i shd do all my readings at starbucks
hahahah
but seriously
maybe Gods finally dealing with my view of the world
anyways, gotta say tt yeah,
feeling better than i have ever felt
but then again
i guess further from it all then ever
finally reconciled the role of thinker in a way
i guess there has always been room for the intellectual adoration of Christ
just that maybe not a role well explored by the church
then again
i guess i dun really have the right to say much
except maybe
hmm
i guess just gotta learn as i go along
we learn
bit by bit
we learn
new painful lesson everyday
so here i am,
i guess making a little more sense of it all then i did yesterday
ahah
still probably have no idea at all
but i guess its ok
kiddies
i love kids
haha
no
im not a paedophile
and
no
i do not love kids for how they taste
haha
no lah
hmm
the only thing tt i find irritating is how they seem to enjoy poking my fats and then running away
ahha
ok
seriously
cip at the childcare was fun
enjoyed picking up kids and spinning them
ahha
is tt healthy?
haha
anyways
hmm
im hopeless at art and craft
anyways
hmm
i guess i should look forward to having kids
hmm
strange
wad rubbish am i saying
i find my bro irritating
hahaha
wadever
hai
my sis is talking in the background on the phone
wah lao
so loud
....
haha
no
im not a paedophile
and
no
i do not love kids for how they taste
haha
no lah
hmm
the only thing tt i find irritating is how they seem to enjoy poking my fats and then running away
ahha
ok
seriously
cip at the childcare was fun
enjoyed picking up kids and spinning them
ahha
is tt healthy?
haha
anyways
hmm
im hopeless at art and craft
anyways
hmm
i guess i should look forward to having kids
hmm
strange
wad rubbish am i saying
i find my bro irritating
hahaha
wadever
hai
my sis is talking in the background on the phone
wah lao
so loud
....
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