Falling away

i walked on for so long,
came so far
i struggled on, but still did not let go
i thought that i had it made,
that i was finally on the right track
that i was finally making some progress
i thought that such a time would never come,
and yet it did

never thought that part of me would be so hard to give up
but yet even now i refuse to let go of it
that shadow from my past,
that nightmare i long wanted to forget
it still comes back to me
i want to let go of it,
but part of me refuses.

i struggled so much it hurt,
so i decided to numb the pain.
want to stop, but circumstances just keep pounding
so many people around me,
advicing me, telling me what to do
sticking their hands into an area they dont even grasp
what God doesnt dig up,
man chooses to unearth
such stupidity it irks me

one struggle after another
no place of comfort
no one to turn to
no one understands
everyone simply yakking on about what they deem correct
so tired of pleasing others
so tired of even trying
tired of considering about others

So numb, so tired
just want to run away from it all
just feel like falling away
into that hole of self-centeredness
Just want to let go
to stop having to struggle and get carried away
to let someone else do the labour
gave so much yet....

i do not have what it takes to face it anymore
no more strength
just plain tired
just wanna feed my carnality
so i let go
turn my back
give up
walk in the other direction
fall away

little girl

a little girl,
hiding her face from the rest of the world
she searches for someone to love her,
but no one seems to care
she wants someone to be real to her
but she dare's not be real herself.

she lives out a lie
putting all she has into an image,
an image of perfection
hoping that she will find true love and acceptance
but she just cant see
that nobody can love a lie

a myriad of conflicting thoughts in her head,
so many different voices whispering in her ear
doubts arise
confusion ensures
and she fails to hear that still small voice,
telling her that she is loved

can't you see that all HE wants is for you to be real with HIM
can't you just let go of the mask,
let go of the mirage?
is the misery worth it?
or would you rather feed your fears
would you rather be fake?
how can people love a mirage?
is it better to be like by everyone, but not loved,
or loved by some and hated by others?

why do you seek phoney affection?
how can a real person love a fake?
or are you satisfied with empty admiration?

There is one who loves you totally
one who will never grow tired of hearing your voice,
if only you would open your eyes and see him
if only you would look pass yourself and your struggles and see him
see him, him who is always there in the midst of our storm
he who is there no matter how many times we reject him
he never grows tired of chasing after us

if only you would accept that he does things his way
that his ways are above ours

Just let him prove that he is real
Just shut out all the other voices and listen to him
If it is real love and acceptance you seek?
Why do you not give it a chance?

remember

the fire
a mere, flickering shadow of what it once was,
the zeal and passion,
now buried under layers of indifference and non-chalency,
the sense of purpose and commitment,
now a thing long forgotten
the yoke,
no longer a joy but a burden....an onus

am i to be satisfied with this Laodecian neutrality?
to be neither hot nor cold?
to serve out of obligation and not out of compassion?
Lord, how can i come back to that first love,
when my heart is so cold so hard towards you
when i know of you goodness, but am unwilling to submit

Remember....remember the first taste of my love
the first time you encountered me and felt i was real
remember all the things i brought you through
how wonderful it was to be simply dependant on me
remember how i changed you, moulded you,
how i blessed you and brought such joy to your life.
remember, the hope i gave you
the sense of purpose you could have because of me
Simply remember

truth

Thank You God,
for finally opening my eyes
for helping me understand
that though this path carries on for a lifetime
i should take it one baby step at a time
aiming for the end result
instead of procrastinating
pondering
brooding
yes, inquiring the path is helpful
but it only points more accurately the direction
it doesnt help us along the path
help me Lord
to take the first few baby steps
and start up again along that narrow hard path

eternity

emotions
so fickle
so flippant,
a passing fancy,
felt for a moment
and then ........ gone
gone forever
like a wind that has come and gone

but You,
the creator of the universe,
beyond human notions of space and time
Your ways too profound to be understood
Your thoughts too deep to be grasped
yet you loved me,
loved me enough to pay for me in blood

every tear, you collected
every cry you heard,
every heartache you remembered
you never let me walk alone,

even then
i foolishly continue on this path of self disillusionment
looking to the temporal for comfort
looking to the things of this world to satisfy
and in the end
weary and tired
i come back to You
on my knees, crying

Help me Lord,
to stop focusing on the temporal
to stop holding onto all these vague notions and strange sentiments
open my eyes to see
Your love
beyond mere emtions
beyond human comprehension
help me to look pass the temporal
and glimpse into Eternity

little girl

a little girl,
alone in a cold harsh world
her face hidden by layers of mascara
expressionless,
an inaccurate potrayal of the stuggle going on inside
disappointed by the world,
let down by everyone who she cared for
hurt, broken, lost, tired
nobody sees her pain
nobody understands

She struggles on, alone on that unforgiving road
seeking for someone to share the burden with
but everyone she meets just seems to be hidden under layers of mask too
fearing betrayal and rejections,
she cries alone
in her heart, she longs for someone,
to come alongside and help
someone who's trust in which will not be betrayed, someone constant, someone unchanging
she seeks for emphaty
not pity
but no one seems to understand
the misery she feels each day
and so she continues to struggle on
alone
in the harsh dark world

little girl
little girl
if only you would look up and see
that pair of nail pierced hands
reaching to embrace you

"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out"
the only one who fully understands
the only one who can bear your burden
the only one who will never fail you
would you open your eyes?
would you take off your mask?
to let him come and show you his love

stained glass

looking at the world,
from behind a pane of stained glass,
everything a twisted shadow
everything a coloured mirage,
if everyone fails, whom should i trust?
if i cant even trust myself, then in whom can i take hope?
seeing all my imperfections and iniquities, it makes me miserable
his grace, so hard to accept,
his love, ironically seemingly too good for me
and yet he called me

on a long and narrow road
trudging along
with shackles and chains which impede me
all the shadows from my pass, coming back to torment me
all forgetten sins, all unresolved issues,
one by one resurfacing as my flesh slowly wastes away

Lord help me to cry out to You
cause im tired of living this life of struggle
this life of insubmission
open my eyes, show me ur truth
cause im tired of looking at you through a piece of stained glass